Tammy Wynette cannot be reached for help-Divorce advice

[oftpiste]

Embrace the silence and peace! I loved living alone when it all came down. There was definitely some adjustment period, but eventually it just became wonderful. No one to answer to, check with, clean up after, schedule around except yo bad self. It's a gift.

[liv2ski]

I am so use to doing most everything for everyone I think I would be lost alone. Would need pets for sure

[Supermoon]

I’ll give it 3 months.

I did just fill out an app to volunteer at the humane society here so it’ll either get me my fix or I’ll have ten dogs by summer.

Embrace the silence and peace! I loved living alone when it all came down. There was definitely some adjustment period, but eventually it just became wonderful. No one to answer to, check with, clean up after, schedule around except yo bad self. It's a gift.

It is wild to like go to dinner or go to a movie and not have to check in with anyone or ask permission. It’s a bit of a mind fuck to not have to answer to anyone

[byates1]

^ I literally just met this chick who could be great. I have not answered to anyone for a decade. Not sure I can give that up. I'll report back.

[Danno]

Embrace the silence and peace! I loved living alone when it all came down. There was definitely some adjustment period, but eventually it just became wonderful. No one to answer to, check with, clean up after, schedule around except yo bad self. It's a gift.

I generally agree. I became a better parent when it was my turn and I enjoyed the hell out of the solo, but it did take some adjusting. I think it was MUCH harder for my ex.

[Bunion 2020]

^ I literally just met this chick who could be great. I have not answered to anyone for a decade. Not sure I can give that up. I'll report back.

What kind of Van does she drive?

[Todd Zander]

No need to rehash my story but the excerpt is that we are split 50/50 with the 4 kids, she moved into her grandparents vacant house in the interim, working towards submitting a final decree that my hope is signed by christmas.

The limited contact via email only regarding the children has been a fucking godsend and I cant believe how much better life already is.

[lowsparkco]

I got a studio apartment junior year of university and from then on always liked living solo. It never lasted very long, but I think there’s something to be said for leaning into it.

I’ve got a friend who just split up with her fiancee earlier this year. She’s renting a basement apartment from a girlfriend. She’s been juggling going out with a few different guys. It seems like none of them are a very good fit but it beats being alone so why not another date? I keep trying to encourage her to embrace being single and living solo. It’s almost like a vibe you can’t fake that potential partners can feel.

[lowsparkco]

No need to rehash my story but the excerpt is that we are split 50/50 with the 4 kids, she moved into her grandparents vacant house in the interim, working towards submitting a final decree that my hope is signed by christmas.

The limited contact via email only regarding the children has been a fucking godsend and I cant believe how much better life already is.

That’s great. I remember finally getting a week or two of peace after moving out from my first marriage. It sucks when a relationship gets so toxic that just being away from it is a relief, but that’s how it has gotten with us.

It certainly helps to reinforce that you’re making the right decision which can be a godsend.

[Todd Zander]

Weve currently got all of my childhood lego bins and their small but growing collection spread out over the entirety of the living room carpet, she would have flipped her shit.

[riser4]

Weve currently got all of my childhood lego bins and their small but growing collection spread out over the entirety of the living room carpet, she would have flipped her shit.

Wear shoes or slippers and lean into it

[Mustonen]

I’ve mentioned it before here, but those first few days/months of having my own space were glorious and I could almost literally feel years of stress from constant conflict, mood swings, and contempt shed off of me like old skin.

Weve currently got all of my childhood lego bins and their small but growing collection spread out over the entirety of the living room carpet, she would have flipped her shit.

Hah. Keep that going. Also, I never got my childhood Lego bins or matchbox cars out of her basement after the divorce, so count yourself lucky I guess. Not sure exactly why she’s holding on to them, but I file it away as reason #2,523 why leaving that situation was 100% the right call.

[raisingarizona13]

My best advice is to not get married in the first place. With a success rate of around 50% it's not with it and what's the point? Do we really need the government to tell us that we are together?

F no and F the government and establishment norms.

[TBS]

Wear shoes or slippers and lean into it

“I would walk barefoot over Legos for you”
—Sign in our local book/toy store

[oftpiste]

I am so use to doing most everything for everyone I think I would be lost alone. Would need pets for sure

I feel you. And you might be surprised when you get to choose what you do for home instead of it being an expectation.

[anotherVTskibum]

My best advice is to not get married in the first place. With a success rate of around 50% it's not with it and what's the point? Do we really need the government to tell us that we are together?

F no and F the government and establishment norms.

The 50% that don't work is one big reason why getting married makes sense. Divorce provides a legal framework for separating assets and sorting out custody of kids. Given the same relationship parameters (shared assets and/or offspring) without the framework to work through can be even more complicated.

Another is illness and death--there are legal protocols around that for married folks that don't exist for those who are in a committed relationship that doesn't exist in the eyes of the government.

[tgapp]

okay so i gotta say - i'm envious of all y'all who are like "fuck my ex, never talking to her again". this is a hard sentiment to articulate, because it seems like the narrative around ex's is either "fuck em" or "i wanna fuck em still" - a polarity of absolute rage/anger/resentment or still having teh feelz for, with very little nuance.

i think that anger, being such a strong emotion, numbs you to a lot of more complex emotions. i wish i had cause for anger, but in the final analysis, my ex and i made a series of fatal mistakes that doomed our romantic relationship. coming out of that, she took ownership of her actions (as did i), grew as a person, put in the work, and is now a phenomenal human being.

my experience now post-divorce has been that, even having certainty in my decision (divorcing was the right decision for a myriad of reasons), AND, even being in the healthiest, most beautiful, rewarding relationship of my life, i still find myself feeling a profound sadness, a sense of loss, and a judgement that i am somehow a failure for my first marriage ending in divorce - all in the midst of feeling a tremendous amount of joy, contentment, and hope.

sorry for waxing longwinded here. i guess what i'm trying to say is - i think having a lot of feels is normal. and they're gonna take as long as they're gonna take. running from 'em sure as shit won't help.

[Supermoon]

my experience now post-divorce has been that, even having certainty in my decision (divorcing was the right decision for a myriad of reasons), AND, even being in the healthiest, most beautiful, rewarding relationship of my life, i still find myself feeling a profound sadness, a sense of loss, and a judgement that i am somehow a failure for my first marriage ending in divorce - all in the midst of feeling a tremendous amount of joy, contentment, and hope.

One thing I’ve been trying to do is thinking of my marriage as a successful 13 year relationship. Luckily we ended it before we hated each other.

It doesn’t make it less sad, or end the what-ifs, but I don’t know what I’d be like if I had to also navigate those feelings. I think it would be harder to move on.

[oftpiste]

The taking of ownership is the key thing here. If they don't, then it's not 'fuck 'em', but 'Is there anything in the continuation of any kind of relationship that is necessary or still serves me?' In some cases there's just not either one.

okay so i gotta say - i'm envious of all y'all who are like "fuck my ex, never talking to her again". this is a hard sentiment to articulate, because it seems like the narrative around ex's is either "fuck em" or "i wanna fuck em still" - a polarity of absolute rage/anger/resentment or still having teh feelz for, with very little nuance.

i think that anger, being such a strong emotion, numbs you to a lot of more complex emotions. i wish i had cause for anger, but in the final analysis, my ex and i made a series of fatal mistakes that doomed our romantic relationship. coming out of that, she took ownership of her actions (as did i), grew as a person, put in the work, and is now a phenomenal human being.

my experience now post-divorce has been that, even having certainty in my decision (divorcing was the right decision for a myriad of reasons), AND, even being in the healthiest, most beautiful, rewarding relationship of my life, i still find myself feeling a profound sadness, a sense of loss, and a judgement that i am somehow a failure for my first marriage ending in divorce - all in the midst of feeling a tremendous amount of joy, contentment, and hope.

sorry for waxing longwinded here. i guess what i'm trying to say is - i think having a lot of feels is normal. and they're gonna take as long as they're gonna take. running from 'em sure as shit won't help.

[Kevo]

My brother pretty much disappeared from my life 14 years ago after he got married. He and I were close, but I barely knew his wife before they got married. Both times I had met her had been really strange. I can detail those stories if the collective somehow thinks it's pertinent to the story.

He and his wife became super religious and cut off my parents. He hasn't spoken to them in 6+ years after some kind of blow up. He all but cut me out but keeps in touch via text or phone calls every now and then. He has two kids that I do not know. Extended family all thought it was his wife that caused the dramatic isolation and distance, but I've tried to withhold that conclusion since I don't know his wife at all.

I've seen my brother a total of 3 times since he got married and never for more than a few hours. I basically have no idea what is going on in his world.

He has led me to believe that he's really successful- multiple VP+ positions with exits at tech and data companies.

I heard from him today- his wife is separating from him. It sounds like a complete mess. Somehow he and his wife are broke and have been living out of Airbnbs while his kids are in private schools. He said he has been spending $5k+ per month trying to solve mystery illnesses that his wife has and she hasn't worked in over a decade. This is all news to me.

His wife has now kicked him out saying that he isn't a good father and blames him for all of their problems. His son has a recent knee injury while my brother was alone with him at home- apparently he got his leg stuck in a couch cushion and then his wife got an MRI showing some kind of injury and is putting together a paper trail about him being an unsafe parent and saying that my brother somehow inflicted the injury on the son.

As best I can tell his kids are his entire world. I told him he needs to retain legal counsel ASAP. He mostly agreed but is worried he won't be able to afford it.

I tried to be there for him and told him to call me 24/7 if he needs anything and offered to get on the next flight to come visit him or buy him a plane ticket to come see me for Thanksgiving.

He is currently staying at a church friend's place and his wife and kids are losing their current rental on Wednesday so he is planning to stay nearby to help them move to some other rental.

The other complication is that my parents were extremely heartbroken by being cut off from my brother and from their grandkids. My dad came really close to dying a few years ago and my brother didn't call or come to see him. My parents now live close to me and are finally in a good place mentally and emotionally about the situation and don't plan to ever see my brother again.

My brother was talking about reconciliation with my parents today, maybe because he starting to escape the craziness of his wife a bit? I have no idea about how to bring my brother back into the family if that is what he wants. Getting my parents' hopes up and then having my brother go back to his marriage and cut them off again would probably kill them.

Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. I'm really not sure what to do for him. It feels like he has been stuck in a vortex or black hole for 14 years.

[lowsparkco]

It’s natural and healthy to mourn the loss of a marriage. The hardest thing in the world was having my ex-wife come back and ask if we had made a mistake. When you break a promise to someone that you meant to last a lifetime there’s going to be some guilt and shame.

I think, for me, the solution became to remember the good times. I am grateful for my first wife. We gave each other an amazing gift for nearly fifteen years, our time, our intimacy, or dreams. But, you can’t live in the past. We changed into people that weren’t very compatible and fortunately loved each other enough to let go. As much as I value her, my life is 100% better today than I ever dreamt it could be. I feel like although we didn’t last until death do us part, we did fulfill our sacred contract to each other and that is enough.

[lowsparkco]

My post was written in response to Tgapp’s. Didn’t want to make a huge quote mess, but Kevo, I’m sure you’ll get some responses, we just posted at the same time so I haven’t gotten a chance to read your post.

[Art Shirk]

Kevo, sorry man. Went through almost the exact same thing. Wrote a long post but redacted and will PM

[byates1]

My brother pretty much disappeared from my life 14 years ago after he got married. He and I were close, but I barely knew his wife before they got married. Both times I had met her had been really strange. I can detail those stories if the collective somehow thinks it's pertinent to the story.

He and his wife became super religious and cut off my parents. He hasn't spoken to them in 6+ years after some kind of blow up. He all but cut me out but keeps in touch via text or phone calls every now and then. He has two kids that I do not know. Extended family all thought it was his wife that caused the dramatic isolation and distance, but I've tried to withhold that conclusion since I don't know his wife at all.

I've seen my brother a total of 3 times since he got married and never for more than a few hours. I basically have no idea what is going on in his world.

He has led me to believe that he's really successful- multiple VP+ positions with exits at tech and data companies.

I heard from him today- his wife is separating from him. It sounds like a complete mess. Somehow he and his wife are broke and have been living out of Airbnbs while his kids are in private schools. He said he has been spending $5k+ per month trying to solve mystery illnesses that his wife has and she hasn't worked in over a decade. This is all news to me.

His wife has now kicked him out saying that he isn't a good father and blames him for all of their problems. His son has a recent knee injury while my brother was alone with him at home- apparently he got his leg stuck in a couch cushion and then his wife got an MRI showing some kind of injury and is putting together a paper trail about him being an unsafe parent and saying that my brother somehow inflicted the injury on the son.

As best I can tell his kids are his entire world. I told him he needs to retain legal counsel ASAP. He mostly agreed but is worried he won't be able to afford it.

I tried to be there for him and told him to call me 24/7 if he needs anything and offered to get on the next flight to come visit him or buy him a plane ticket to come see me for Thanksgiving.

He is currently staying at a church friend's place and his wife and kids are losing their current rental on Wednesday so he is planning to stay nearby to help them move to some other rental.

The other complication is that my parents were extremely heartbroken by being cut off from my brother and from their grandkids. My dad came really close to dying a few years ago and my brother didn't call or come to see him. My parents now live close to me and are finally in a good place mentally and emotionally about the situation and don't plan to ever see my brother again.

My brother was talking about reconciliation with my parents today, maybe because he starting to escape the craziness of his wife a bit? I have no idea about how to bring my brother back into the family if that is what he wants. Getting my parents' hopes up and then having my brother go back to his marriage and cut them off again would probably kill them.

Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. I'm really not sure what to do for him. It feels like he has been stuck in a vortex or black hole for 14 years.

Fucking women.

[AdironRider]

Kevo, I think there is a lot of nuance to your scenario that is not going to solicit the most accurate advice, which is the nature of the internet I suppose, but I will say that I think the reward is worth the risk for your brother and parents to attempt to reconcile.