work bathrooms = SLAY3D

[Hong Jong Fuey]

I am a bit spoiled by our work bathrooms. We have endless periodicals, a personal heating/cooling unit (good for winter), and industrial strength flush. I've frequented it all too often over the past 3 days seeing as I have basically been pissing out of my ass. That all came to an end today, when I was introduced to Charcocaps. I expect to be shitting diamonds shortly.

[Bigdump]

Out surfing early in the morning. Winter - fullsuit. Had been to world famous El Tarasco's in Manhattan Beach the night before. Waves are big so we are sitting way outside and the urge comes over me! My stomach is growling and the stench from the neckline of my wetsuit was nearly making me puke! Public restrooms up on the strand - quite a long ways away at the time. I look out towards the horizon and the ocean has decided to tease me by not pushing through any waves. This went on for another 15 minutes. Finally I gave up and started to paddle in. I wind up catching the soup in and drop my board on the sand and start to book up towards the bathrooms - still 250 yards away. You guessed it , about half way there I sharted violently and I new there was no need to keep running. I though that I was going to turn inside out! So I walked the last 100 yards feeling the goosh in my wetsuit. When I made it to the bathroom there was nothing left to do but peel off my fullsuit, turn it inside out and hose it off in the shower. Needless to say I had shit all over myself - you know how tight those fullsuits are. So after about 15 minutes of cold shower I was able get it back together and get back into the water no worse for wear. This was my first taste of the El Tarasco Super Deluxe! I have since gotten used to this wonderful media. Too bad I live so far from there now.

[skarekr0w]

^^^^^ WINNER. Wetsuits are the bomb for holding everything in.

[Caucasian Asian]

I should not eat jalapeno peppers anymore.


That is all.

[DeeAre]

This stuff

works

[PearlJam09]

Last night: couple of cold ones + cheddar and ale soup + nachos + lactose intolerance = moderate to severe destruction this morning

[A2thaK]

I’ve got a pretty good story for everyone. I head down to my wife’s parents house for a long weekend. So after a giant meal of some good Tex-Mex for lunch, my wife and I go to meet a good friend I haven’t seen in a few years at a local sports bar. About three beers in, I start feeling the upcoming eruption. My stomach starts boiling and howling at me to go relieve the pressure. So, I casually get up and head to the bathroom. To my horror, the one stall is closed with a broken sign on it. I probably would have used it anyways if the bathroom hadn’t been full of dudes waiting to use the two urinals. FUCK! So I return to the table, and hope to just bear it out. I start getting the sweats, and begin to worry about shitting my pants. So, I stand up, and say I will be right back. Unfortunately, the front door to the bar and the bathroom are two opposite directions from our table. So of course, my wife asks, “Where are you going?” to which I reply, “Don’t worry about it.” No dice. She insists on knowing where I am going. So I proceed to tell her and my friend that I am about to slay my pants and that the shitter in the bar is broken.

I proceed to run into my car (there is nothing really close, its one of those places that are outside a mall parking lot) and haul as fast as I can to a hotel (about ½ block away, the closest sign of relief). I run in and start looking for the bathroom, which I sprint to. I barely get my pants past my asscrack when I explode all over the wall, back of the toilet, and a little actually makes it in the toilet. Well, now I can’t sit down and finish after the destruction I just caused. I do a quick wipe, and quickly sneak into the adjacent stall. While I am sitting there finishing the job, some poor soul wanders into the bathroom, opens the stall I just slaughtered and exclaims “Oh my God!” I swear I hear him start to gag. He immediately leaves. I finish, feeling so much better, I wash my hands and exit.

I walk out of the bathroom to a wedding party filling the reception. A big wedding party. And they are all looking at me with a combination of laughter and disgust. I am forced to walk past all of them, and get in my car to head back to the bar. My wife tells me I’m disgusting. My friend laughs. Both unaware of the carnage I caused down the street.

[Meanfruit]

^^^^^
Hehehe, that's an awesome tale

[DeeAre]

I generally regard my morning defecation as the highlight of the day. Under the best of circumstances, it's peace, quiet, solitude, and a break from staring into my monitor. So, then, it's a major downer when I've set up shop in the corner (handicap) stall, only to have another restroom patron fling the door open and take their place at the stall right next to mine. The person can sometimes be identified by their shoes. Well, just a hot minute ago I was doing my bidness and my boss' boss saddles up next to me, just as my turd was reaching critical mass. Being the fat-ass old curmudgeon personality-less douche that he is, the mere sight of him inspires violent rage inside of me. In this environment, it only took a quick glance at shoes, now only 18 inches from my own, to know who had stolen my peace. Around here, only this guy rocks the tassled loafer. You know,


Leave it to my douchebag boss to ruin my deuce session, all wide-stanced, grunting, squirting and shit. Why don't you go eat some more meat loaf for lunch you fucking fat ass.
Taking a shit and having someone walk in is like banging your hot wife/gf/concubine and having your mom walk in right as your blowing your wad. Not cool at all.

[/blog]

[Pura Vida]

A few months ago signs were posted all over our office crapper. On all stall entrances as well as inside the stall. Whoever made it loves some clip art as there was some nice flair on the borders as well as a toilet illustration. The sign had something to the point of people need to carp in the bowl, not on the seat, please don't high mark with shit shrapnel etc and that the bathroom was now being monitored to catch the bathroom bandito(s). I guess the final straw was when someone had brutally high marked both stalls, crap smeared on the seat, handicrapper plugged, and poo stained toilet paper on the floor.

After about a week the signs were removed and the slayage was more reasonable. Well this week it looks like the bathroom bandito has returned, as I was peacefully doing my business in the handicrapper someone came in (didn't recognize the shoes) and posted new versions of the sign: "Guys, IT"S HAPPENING AGAIN! Please check the bowl and the seat before you leave the stall. What is happening is disrespectful to your coworkers and to the cleaning crew. If this continues cameras will be installed!" Not as much clip art this time, but plenty of different colors and styles of font. The camera threat made me chuckle, as is that even legal? and what is someone going to stream shit cam to their computer? The resourceful employee knows that if you enter a stall that's been bathroom banditoed there's other less trafficked crappers in the buildings where you can slay in peace.

[Parvo]

The hotel next to my office is getting a large addition and the construction crew has discovered our bathroom is slightly nicer than the blue rooms they have on site. I don’t know what they feed these guys, but christalmighty they’re turning our office loo into a third world country.

[DEVO]

Our office building has several unisex bathrooms around the common halls. These bathrooms all have two locks, a push button on the lever and a deadbolt. When you flip the lever on the deadbolt over, a sign on the outside of the door goes from "vacant" to "occupied".

The other day after getting back after lunch I get the urge to shit. So, I head down to the hall to one of the bathrooms. As I approach, I can see the little sign says "vacant". I give a little "yes!" to myself and grab the door lever handle. The door handle is also unlocked, but when I open the door there is a rather attractive woman standing there, skirt hiked up around her waist, pulling up her pantyhose. She screams and for some unknown reason my response was......"JESUS!!!"

I shut the door and stand outside for a second. I hear her rush up and lock the door and flip the deadbolt lever to "occupied". Then I hear her say "OCCUPIED!"

Yeah, no shit sherlock.

[DeeAre]

I'm in the middle of my 3rd week at a new job and my bowels are still adjusting to the new environment. There's no regularity. Been a couple of glimmers of hope, but so far no rhythm. I expect my gut to lock down when I travel, but only like 5 blocks removed from my old office. wtf?

[SKIORFORGETIT]

some great stories in here

[SKIORFORGETIT]

The mens shitter on my main floor is directly across the hall from my office. On Monday, this asshat comes down from the 2nd floor and fucking destroys the shitter. Loud 5-10 second farts, mixed in with random machine gun farts. His ass is literally throwing up for minutes, and I have bank VP sitting in my office. We are chatting, and I'm trying to keep a straight face.

Captain Butt-Trumpet opens the bathroom door, he cant see my client, and yells- 'Whatya think of that, Stone? Nice work huh?'

He walks into the doorway of my office to chat, sees the VP, and turns 8 shades of red and leaves. I was fucking mortified....

holy fuck

[SKIORFORGETIT]

not a slay, but just one of the nights I was drunk in college I took a shit and threw up at the same time

[Rip'nStick]

Had been to world famous El Tarasco's in Manhattan Beach the night before.

This was my first taste of the El Tarasco Super Deluxe! I have since gotten used to this wonderful media.

I miss the super deluxe too. Regular for lunch, workdays or weekend. But you always had to remember to be near a good peaceful bathroom 2 hrs after consumption.

But damned that was a good burrito.

[Rip'nStick]

not a slay, but just one of the nights I was drunk in college I took a shit and threw up at the same time

Had this experience in a Port-a-Potty. Not really drunk. It was horrible. Sometimes you just have to pass if humanly possible and I am not that easily upset. What do Phish fans eat??? Whatever it is it is not right

[SimB]

Bump it up!

Ok, after reading through this whole thread, fighting to stay on my chair, I've spent most of the time on the floor. I gotta say, it's inspiring to read this shit! Got me thinkin' bout some of my own master pieces.

Note: About high-marking, happend to me 2/3 times today! Both of 'em over the rim, put some effort into it ya pussies!

[carvedog]

Roasted garlic. If you need to slay and leave a "presence", it is highly recommended.

After a half of a bulb for appys a day before, I absolutely killed my bathroom here. My wife stops in a good 15 minutes later, for some chit chat but mostly to use the loo. I warned her.

She laughed and said something like " i been smelling your ass for 15 years. You don't scare me."

Bwaaaahhahhhha. Ten seconds later she comes from the back, eyes wide, tears starting to form, "what the fuck did you do back there?"

I tried to tell her.

That is all.

[SimB]

haha, that has happened to me to! Not with my wife though, mostly cause I'm not married... But I can't count the times I've gone to the crapper at a friends house thinkin' "this i gonna be sweet", only to find out that he'd been there seconds earlier destroying the place! Done it back a couple times so it's all good

[hafilax]

The only thing this thread is lacking are (is?) pictures.

[SimB]

only question is, who will bring it to the next level?

Would give the job description "splatter tech" a new meaning...

[NorEasterSkier]

I was out to lunch today, and I noticed an old lady (70ish) walked into the bathroom just seconds before me. I walk in the bathroom, and she has her pants halfway down as she's crapping herself! I don't think I've ever seen something so vile, so disgusting in my entire life. As I walked out, a mother was walking her daughter into the bathroom, and I told her, "Don't go in there." They didn't listen, and the little girl let out a shrill scream.

I actually went across the street to use a gas station restroom which had pee all over the seat (typical in a gross women's room). Far better than the alternative was.

As we were leaving, the woman was sticking her head out the door, calling for "help" to one of the waitstaff. I didn't stick around to see the carnage that followed. I'm not sure if I can eat at a diner anymore.

[SimB]

That is pretty disgusting man...

In my travels, I've noticed that old people are more tolerant to farts and doodies though. Like this one time, me and my brother were having a conversation with our grandma and here fella, who's about 80. Suddenly he just let's one rip! And this isn't some weak ass under the covers fart, this one would blow the leaves off a tree. I look at my brother and I can tell he's barely holdin it together, but we manage to keep our faces straight and go on talkin. Only to hear my own grandma shoot a salute, as if to say "oh it's on mister!". How tha hell is this possible? Two old farts (had to) hanging around chatting while having a world chamionship in who can freak out the young people the most

I gotta say, that kinda bumped me out a bit...