T'was the night before Mitchell
T’was the night before Mitchell, when all through the league
Not a player was sleeping; the world would soon see
The names were all waiting, those tested and not
And come early morning, some names would be caught
The owners all fretted, played cool, but were stressed
When visions of empty seats would mean rain outs at best
The fans would now realize that under the cap
Was a God’s honest cheater, a hero now trapped
When out of the courtroom, once Barry the batter
Did spring from the bench and receive such a clatter
But now in each city, no fan could remain
Convinced that their team had played clean in the game
The names on the list of the new-written doc
Gave the sorrow of winter to a summertime flop
When what to his wondering ears should arrive
But a bevy of names Selig wished he could hide
Then a little old man who Bud once had hired
Presented the outcome that should get him fired
More cutting than Peavy’s, as heavy as Webb’s
The names were all shouted, Bud wished he was dead
“Now Barry! Now Raffy! Now Big Mac and Sosa!
“Your names will not be held alone any longer!”
“Come Clemens? Come Gagne? Big Papi and Wagner?
“The gasp of your fans will drown out all the laughter!”
As loose change in sofas compiles through the year
The scornful remarks Barry’s haters held dear
Were high as the sky, but suddenly silent
As he now had friends in the “cheater” department
And then with a chuckle, the laughter re-grew
They pointed at Selig, “We’re laughing at YOU!”
He wondered aloud how they could be scoffing
“Because you’re as shifty as loose rabbit droppings!”
He was dressed all in red-face, but he knew the truth
For he had a hand in the falling of Ruth
And Aaron’s miraculous, jaw-slacking record
Was now in the shadow of steroids forever
His eyes, how they widened! His brow, what a furrow!
His cheeks were as red as a drunk John Turturro
His tense little mouth in a frown just as always
A look on his face like he’d pinched one off…sideways
The truth had come out, he had known all along
He’d known of the steroids, he’d seen them grow strong
Now Mitchell, the hired man, brought forth all the knowledge
Of wood bats whose stats were once reserved for college (ping!)
The press was all there…yes they, too, were witness
To players whose bodies defied normal fitness
Though Mitchell did not seek to slander their name
Reporters were part of the mess all the same
He spoke many words, that Mitchell did he
Erasing the fans’ Barry-Bonds-scapegoat-glee
The problem was bigger, much bigger it seemed
Than most of the hypocrite fans once believed
He sprang from his pulpit, no podium here
He’d spoken the truth of a game once revered
The heard him exclaim of the glove, bat, and ball
“These used to be sacred, now shame on you all!”
"The mind, once expanded to the dimensions of larger ideas, never returns to its original size."
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