Older parents-WWYD?

[mcski]

Sounds a little like a friends mom that got water on the brain either due to a fall or the start of Alzheimer’s. It came on rather fast as her brain had basically started shrinking. Hope that’s not the case here but it sounds kinda similar

[skiJ]

Art -
I read MRI -
cranial ? ??

old terminology, but I remember hearing about a neurologist evaluating CT scans for evidence of brain activity ( colors, Good colors )

If it was a cranial MRI, I'll Be quiet.
( but If you don't have cranial imaging I would ask about that... )


(( my other thoughts are not optimistic - Except a page up, several say, when the end comes, let it be short.

( Dad lived with dementia for at least six years ( eleven by his assessment ) ))


with love, Art -

skiJ / tj

[old goat]

Sounds a little like a friends mom that got water on the brain either due to a fall or the start of Alzheimer’s. It came on rather fast as her brain had basically started shrinking. Hope that’s not the case here but it sounds kinda similar

That would be obvious on an MRI of the brain, which I believe she's had.

[Art Shirk]

Thanks skij and others. It was a brain MRI and that didn’t bring up any red flags.

And definitely no falls, mcski. I suppose Alzheimer’s but it really does seem out of nowhere.

OG, on the list for a full neurology appointment now too. Did have neurologist check out MRI but it was part of the whole circus of scatter shot tests and maybe not a deep dive.

Thanks again Gents


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[Cisco Kid]

Took my dad to a doctor that specialized in old people when dad started having trouble walking without falling down. After a few written tests and seeing dad lose his balance when he moved a certain way the medical advice he gave was ALWAYS use a walker and get rid of the car because cognitively, he was thinking like a teen ager. And like a teenager he drove his car 200 yds to the end of the street and back that night out of spite. I had to disable it. I saw dad fall putting him into the nursing home when he went to get the mail after saying he didn't need a walker for that.

Any elder care specialists in your area?

[KQ]

Took my dad to a doctor that specialized in old people when dad started having trouble walking without falling down. After a few written tests and seeing dad lose his balance when he moved a certain way the medical advice he gave was ALWAYS use a walker and get rid of the car because cognitively, he was thinking like a teen ager. And like a teenager he drove his car 200 yds to the end of the street and back that night out of spite. I had to disable it. I saw dad fall putting him into the nursing home when he went to get the mail after saying he didn't need a walker for that.

Any elder care specialists in your area?

When my friend took away her father's car under doctor's orders he was so pissed that when he got home he drove ever piece of farm equipment around the farm like a mad man.

[lowsparkco]

It's hard watching them age.

I lost my Dad early this year and although my Mom seems to be doing great, these memory lapses scare the hell out of me. She refuses to lay off the sauce, too. I wouldn't call her a big drinker, but she's the kind of gal that can seem pretty drunk after one drink sometimes. Unfortunately that doesn't stop her from having two more. She called me yesterday in regards to some pretty important business stuff. We had chatted real briefly while she was at a party, I could detect a slight slur, almost just told her to have fun and hang up, but we were on a tight time frame. Told her to simply send me a certain document as an email. She calls at 9 AM the next morning and has zero recollection of the whole conversation.

The funny thing is that she was working full-time with a Master's degree when she had me, had been married for 5 years, already had my sister 17 months earlier, and was 26 years old. So weird sometimes to think of her only being that much older than me. I pray I make it to 73 and have my faculties.

[mcski]

My dad said the hardest thing he ever had to do was take his dads keys away (in his late 80s), so my dad gave it up on his own when he turned 80 even though Inyold him he was still fine to drive at that point, but he stuck to it

[KQ]

It's hard watching them age.

I lost my Dad early this year and although my Mom seems to be doing great, these memory lapses scare the hell out of me. She refuses to lay off the sauce, too. I wouldn't call her a big drinker, but she's the kind of gal that can seem pretty drunk after one drink sometimes. Unfortunately that doesn't stop her from having two more. She called me yesterday in regards to some pretty important business stuff. We had chatted real briefly while she was at a party, I could detect a slight slur, almost just told her to have fun and hang up, but we were on a tight time frame. Told her to simply send me a certain document as an email. She calls at 9 AM the next morning and has zero recollection of the whole conversation.

The funny thing is that she was working full-time with a Master's degree when she had me, had been married for 5 years, already had my sister 17 months earlier, and was 26 years old. So weird sometimes to think of her only being that much older than me. I pray I make it to 73 and have my faculties.

Got to get her to stop. Maybe have her doctor counsel her? My mom's doc told her it was okay to drink which totally pissed me off. Why would he tell a 90yo who is on all kinds of meds that? Just like driving I think there is a time to stop drinking.

My mom was drinking on the sly because she knew I would dump if I found it and I was right because drinking is what lead to her fall and pelvic fracture and this current nightmare I'm living.

Cleaning out her apt I found half gallons of vodka stashed everywhere.

[riser4]

Vibes.

[gravitylover]

Once I'm past 75 or so if anyone tells me to stop drinking/smoking weed/etc. I'll ignore them. If they tell me again I'll tell them where to go. I mean really, at that point you've earned a few more good buzzes.

[old goat]

Once I'm past 75 or so if anyone tells me to stop drinking/smoking weed/etc. I'll ignore them. If they tell me again I'll tell them where to go. I mean really, at that point you've earned a few more good buzzes.

That implies you don't ignore them now, which means that when you're 75 there won't be any reason for them to tell you to stop.

[KQ]

Once I'm past 75 or so if anyone tells me to stop drinking/smoking weed/etc. I'll ignore them. If they tell me again I'll tell them where to go. I mean really, at that point you've earned a few more good buzzes.

That's fair so long as you don't ask them to help you when you fall and break a hip.

Risk management benefits you and your loved ones.

[muted reborn]

My 90 year old Mom drinks, still drives, and is on a lot of meds. So far so good but she's not allowed to drive my kids anywhere as of 2 years ago and that really pissed her off.

Also she gave her SS# to someone calling from Malaysia last month and now thinks she never got her $45k inheritance from her Dad in 1998 and she is trying to track it down. God help me.

Anyone have a parent have a knee replacement? I'm guessing it's going to be a huge ordeal for her. She is very out of shape and has congestive heart failure, among other issues, so rehab is not in her vocabulary or a real ability of hers.

[dunfree]

Had a parent replace both knees (separately) and two aunts who replaced them both at the same time. With a good group it’s surprisingly uneventful. Get them to rent an ice machine.

[mcski]

90 year old TKR?! That’s pretty extreme for that age but I guess if she’s otherwise healthy. My brother in law had it in his early 70s. Surgery was ok but the knee hasn’t been great for him. I know other people that have had them and the anecdotal satisfaction rate is about 50% among the ones I know. Ymmv

[dunfree]

I know at least 12, everyone is happy, age 65-80

[Shredhead]

I know at least 12, everyone is happy, age 65-80

I just had a TKR @ 65 and I’m doing great. But still have a lot of pain and sleep does not come easily. Not sure I’d recommend it for a 90 year old.

We’re visiting my 93 year old FIL in Chicago.
He was a dishwasher at the Red Onion in Aspen in 1954. Brought his little girl up skiing
and he did a great job. We love him dearly.

He’s wealthy, healthy and we have a a lot of resources in the area, so he can still live at home alone currently. But he’s really starting to suffer from dementia and we’re here exploring options.

The amount of chat bot phishing calls on his home phone is ridiculous. I’d like to get rid of it, but he’s old and wants a landline.

[KQ]

PSA: Do everything you can to convice your older relatives that it is their best interest to take care of things like downsizing and choosing a retirement community while they can still make the choice themselves otherwise it will be done by someone else, stressing them because of lack of control as well as burdening family esp. if they don't live close. It's the kindest thing they can do for themselves and their family. They must put their pride aside. No one is going to be young and spry forever and there is no shame in moving into this stage of life.

When choosing a retirement community, if they don't have an assisted/nursing section make sure they allow for outside care to come in - not all do.

Remind them that they are only one fall away from a nursing home and studies show that falls in the elderly greatly increase cognative decline. To that I can attest.

Mom is finally doing better after 3wks back in her retirement community. She is in the assisted section now but still has access to the entire complex. It's a lovely place and I'm grateful that she can be there. That said I can tell you that with each move, from the intial fall, to the hospital, then to rehab and finally back to the retirement living facility she suffered mental and physical setbacks that caused her to stop eating and contributed to irrational fear. It took her a min. of 2wks to recover from each move and during those times it seemed like she might not make it.

At this point I feel like I could write a handbook on how to navigate this whole process as well as where and what to buy to outfit a safe & comfortable assisted living apt. Maybe I should ditch the "Ask KQ Claus" thread and start a "KQ the social worker for elderly" thread.

[gravitylover]

Sorry KQ

With my FIL any interruption to his routine screws him up for a few days. Yesterday as we walked in to visit him for a few minutes the doctor had just gotten there and spewed a bunch of shit ending up with the old guy headed to the hospital in an ambulance. After 4 hours or so with me sitting in the car with the dog they decided to release him but we couldn't get him into my minivan. We tried to get him a ride back in an ambulette or something but his med ins. declined it We went home and got a lower car that we could get him into and brought him back to his place. He didn't get any of his mid-day meds and didn't eat so he was angry and his sugar went nuts. Today he was mumbling and nearly incoherent because they screwed up the morning meds. Such a fucking mess and we get the privilege of paying through the fuckn nose for it. My dad has similar but less dramatic problems with his place and getting his meds at the right time too making it 4 assisted facilities that we've dealt with now that suck.

I really want my fil and my dad to pass at this point, it really will be the kindest and best thing for both of them

[KQ]

Sorry KQ

With my FIL any interruption to his routine screws him up for a few days. Yesterday as we walked in to visit him for a few minutes the doctor had just gotten there and spewed a bunch of shit ending up with the old guy headed to the hospital in an ambulance. After 4 hours or so with me sitting in the car with the dog they decided to release him but we couldn't get him into my minivan. We tried to get him a ride back in an ambulette or something but his med ins. declined it We went home and got a lower car that we could get him into and brought him back to his place. He didn't get any of his mid-day meds and didn't eat so he was angry and his sugar went nuts. Today he was mumbling and nearly incoherent because they screwed up the morning meds. Such a fucking mess and we get the privilege of paying through the fuckn nose for it. My dad has similar but less dramatic problems with his place and getting his meds at the right time too making it 4 assisted facilities that we've dealt with now that suck.

I really want my fil and my dad to pass at this point, it really will be the kindest and best thing for both of them

So sorry! Yeah... have to take Mom in the Subie. No way she's getting in one of my trucks.

I am so grateful for the retirement community where my Mom lives. The staff is wonderful and she had finally settled in and is happy with her new studio (she was in a 1br/den apt in the same community).

I get you on the "wishing they would pass." Ain't no shame in wanting a peaceful end. During this whole ordeal everytime my phone rang I thought for sure it was going to be someone telling me she'd passed. Got a call from the retirement home the other day and the first thing they said is "this is not an emergency."

Hang in there. I've finally stopped crying for the most part after 2 months and almost feel human again. I hope you too can reach a point of rest and ease.

[muted reborn]

Thanks for any advice KQ. My sister is flying to us in January and we are going to do the "what retirement place" talk with my Mom. The awkward part will be when she asks "why can't I live with one of you instead?"

And then we have to figure out if we all can afford what she wants, since she is running out of money in about 4-5 years.

[Buster Highmen]

++++

My partner is still taking care of her 95 yo dad and 93 yo mom in the house in which my mil was borne. Cooking, cleaning, shopping, appointment driving and she comes home wasted virtually every night. It's sucked. Her dad makes Archie Bunker look like a girl scout. Then there's feeding the 10 pasture horses, 1 remaining dog and 4 cats.

And now we have covid with no real backup.

[plugboots]

++++

My partner is still taking care of her 95 yo dad and 93 yo mom in the house in which my mil was borne. Cooking, cleaning, shopping, appointment driving and she comes home wasted virtually every night. It's sucked. Her dad makes Archie Bunker look like a girl scout. Then there's feeding the 10 pasture horses, 1 remaining dog and 4 cats.

And now we have covid with no real backup.

W
T
F
I’m so sorry.

[Cisco Kid]

That sucks. I've heard of more than a few sad tales of nonagenarians behaving as domineering narcissists. And from your spot nothing you can do but offer support and advice. Sell the horses?

"You'e one fall away from a nursing home" was what the doc told my 86 yo dad. Dad agreed but said he had always been lucky. "I fell on the bed the couch and my chair. I'll be fine". Doc was right and I was lucky to be there when he fell at the mailbox and hit his head on the street. Went from ER to the nursing home. I saw it as a part of the process and a blessing as now he wouldn't be sitting home all day every day living on cashews and milk.