Poll: How many of you idiots think you could kill a gorilla?

[ZomblibulaX]

A bat absolutely changes things. Chimp can’t swing no bat.


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Have you not been paying attention?

[frorider]

….

[stealurface831]

ah rearry?

One swing and bobo is done.


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[BmillsSkier]

It’s actually a hydraulic alligator snapping turtle.


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Better than pangolin.

[Ted Striker]

Bring it!
Attachment 382032

If this really goes down there'll be Pieces of a Man all over the cage.

[JimmyCarter]

If this really goes down there'll be Pieces of a Man all over the cage.

As long as it’s televised I’m all for it!

[BmillsSkier]

As long as it’s televised I’m all for it!

According to google, Any Which Way But Loose took home $104.3MM in box office. I'm smelling a financial windfall here.

Someone tell Bobby to get ready for my Singer order once we get this fight off the ground.

[stealurface831]

If someone can procure a wild chimp and we are each given a bat, I will 100% fight that thing, PCP or not.


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[::: :::]

Yea and Connor McGregor isn’t that strong either. I bet I can deadlift close to what he can, good chance I can out lift him. Do I think I stand a chance in hell of beating him in a fight? Fuck no.

Guess what, I am also stronger than just about any dog. Do I think I could take a mean 40 lb pit bull in a fight? Fuck no.

Chimps and dogs primarily fight with their teeth. We are soft and have no good defenses for their bites. About the only effective tool we have against them is to choke them out. Good luck with that.

I’ll happily chip in $50 to watch you fight a chimp though.

I vaguely remember a story about a guy who killed a cougar that attacked him by shoving his fist down its throat and hanging on for dear life until it died

[Viva]

If someone can procure a wild chimp and we are each given a bat, I will 100% fight that thing, PCP or not.

First things first, what have you go against chimps? Did a chimp steal your high school sweetheart, beat you at poker, or something?

[stealurface831]

I vaguely remember a story about a guy who killed a cougar that attacked him by shoving his fist down its throat and hanging on for dear life until it died

I’ve heard that one too.


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[retirwntm]

Am I reading this poll wrong or is it

“How many of you idiots would it take to kill a gorilla”?


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[subtle plague]

Doesn't timberridge have some in his menage

[JimmyCarter]

Am I reading this poll wrong or is it

“How many of you idiots would it take to kill a gorilla”?


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Two. One to dress like a baby and climb in the enclosure and one to alert the zookeeper

[schindlerpiste]

How do I kill a gorilla with my bare hands?

Here's how you do it:

Cut off your bare hands. This is going to hurt and will probably kill you, but hey, you want the gorilla dead right?
Get yourself some highly lethal poison and barbecue sauce. Shit… you probably should have done this before cutting your hands off. Well, you’re bleeding out so better get your shit together quick.
Figure out how to get the barbecue sauce open and mix it with the poison. Don’t get it on your stubs. You don't wanna poison yourself, that’ll be an embarrassing one for the parents to explain at your funeral.
marinate your hands in the mixture. Yum!
use your stubs to throw your hands at a gorilla. At this point you may be wondering why couldn't you have used one hand instead of both. Well, sir, attacking a gorilla wasn't smart to begin with so why the hell would we start now. But back to the plan, you will want to pray that he’s a barbecue sauce kind of man and not honey mustard.
if the gorilla eats it, your job is done. You can get help, or more than likely die now. If he doesn't eat it, then congrats. You will be world famous for your awfully embarassing failure. Good job makin your folks proud!

...from a website

[Meathelmet]

Fine. Chimp can have a bat and some time to figure it out. I still fuck that thing up.

Give the PCP a rest for a while, young whippersnapper...

You would have absolutely no chance against a chimp. Like 0%. Well, I give it 2% chance, accidentally clawing its eyes while screaming like being eaten alive.
Which you would be. I can flip&roll&smoke guys weighting +40kg in JJ/BJJ. That skinny chimp was a totally different ballgame, those hands are like vices.
You would be clawed & bitten blind, raped and after the coitus, eaten. Deal with it.

Hell, I have been attacked by German Shephard, twice...And as uncomfortable as those experiences were , I´d chose a daily attack from one instead of going face-to-face with a chimp. And I won 2/2 of those bouts.

[Art Shirk]

I may have told this story before but its appropriate here as I have some anecdotal input, the lifeblood of TGR. In college, my sophomore dorm roommate and then later my housemate for Junior and Senior year, was the son of one of the richest men in Central America. So weird shit happened once in awhile with too many stories to tell there. One of them involved a monkey.

My buddy woke me up one morning and said we had a meeting to go to at the airport. He liked to be cryptic because it was fun to fuck with us. Most good stories with him started with a vague request for accompaniment, so I knew I should go. So we head to the airport and basically get waived through to the tarmac and some little warehouse where a guy meets us and hands my buddy a cage with a fucking monkey in it. I later learned it was a pretty run of the mill spider monkey. They probably were pets for some Californians, I dont know, but the way this went down led me to believe this thing didnt have its fucking shots.

He lived in our dirty college house. He sat on the couch, he ate from the fridge (mainly eggs and fruit), he slept in a cage but he was out a lot. For the human-like things he did, we couldnt get him to stop shitting everywhere so he wore a diaper. The point is that we interacted with this guy and for a small dude, he was strong as shit. Just trying to wrestle things away from him could tell you everything you need to know. If you magnified this guy by 5-10X, into chimp form, he'd rip your arms off and beat you with them with a smile on his face.

End of the story isnt good. He got into the freezer and ate frozen melon balls we had soaking in booze. We thought for sure he had alcohol poisoning. My buddy took him to some sort of Dr. Nick vet for final accommodations and was told that his stomach actually froze. Poor Tonio.

[MagnificentUnicorn]

I might not be able to take a chimp but I’ll fuck your ass up for damned sure.


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Oh Lordy, you’re a stupid young man, have you been drinking


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[I Skied Bandini Mountain]

Remember this dude? He had his hands full with some run of the mill street monkey. If it was a chimp he'd be dead, fucked, and eaten.

[Timberridge]

I may have told this story before but its appropriate here as I have some anecdotal input, the lifeblood of TGR. In college, my sophomore dorm roommate and then later my housemate for Junior and Senior year, was the son of one of the richest men in Central America. So weird shit happened once in awhile with too many stories to tell there. One of them involved a monkey.

My buddy woke me up one morning and said we had a meeting to go to at the airport. He liked to be cryptic because it was fun to fuck with us. Most good stories with him started with a vague request for accompaniment, so I knew I should go. So we head to the airport and basically get waived through to the tarmac and some little warehouse where a guy meets us and hands my buddy a cage with a fucking monkey in it. I later learned it was a pretty run of the mill spider monkey. They probably were pets for some Californians, I dont know, but the way this went down led me to believe this thing didnt have its fucking shots.

He lived in our dirty college house. He sat on the couch, he ate from the fridge (mainly eggs and fruit), he slept in a cage but he was out a lot. For the human-like things he did, we couldnt get him to stop shitting everywhere so he wore a diaper. The point is that we interacted with this guy and for a small dude, he was strong as shit. Just trying to wrestle things away from him could tell you everything you need to know. If you magnified this guy by 5-10X, into chimp form, he'd rip your arms off and beat you with them with a smile on his face.

End of the story isnt good. He got into the freezer and ate frozen melon balls we had soaking in booze. We thought for sure he had alcohol poisoning. My buddy took him to some sort of Dr. Nick vet for final accommodations and was told that his stomach actually froze. Poor Tonio.

This is a great story. And I'm pretty sure a chimp could take a spider monkey.

[Danno]

I may have told this story before but its appropriate here as I have some anecdotal input, the lifeblood of TGR. In college, my sophomore dorm roommate and then later my housemate for Junior and Senior year, was the son of one of the richest men in Central America. So weird shit happened once in awhile with too many stories to tell there. One of them involved a monkey.

My buddy woke me up one morning and said we had a meeting to go to at the airport. He liked to be cryptic because it was fun to fuck with us. Most good stories with him started with a vague request for accompaniment, so I knew I should go. So we head to the airport and basically get waived through to the tarmac and some little warehouse where a guy meets us and hands my buddy a cage with a fucking monkey in it. I later learned it was a pretty run of the mill spider monkey. They probably were pets for some Californians, I dont know, but the way this went down led me to believe this thing didnt have its fucking shots.

He lived in our dirty college house. He sat on the couch, he ate from the fridge (mainly eggs and fruit), he slept in a cage but he was out a lot. For the human-like things he did, we couldnt get him to stop shitting everywhere so he wore a diaper. The point is that we interacted with this guy and for a small dude, he was strong as shit. Just trying to wrestle things away from him could tell you everything you need to know. If you magnified this guy by 5-10X, into chimp form, he'd rip your arms off and beat you with them with a smile on his face.

End of the story isnt good. He got into the freezer and ate frozen melon balls we had soaking in booze. We thought for sure he had alcohol poisoning. My buddy took him to some sort of Dr. Nick vet for final accommodations and was told that his stomach actually froze. Poor Tonio.

This is the kind of quality content that TGR is known for, bravo.

[Bunion 2020]

This thread delivers in the dog days of summer. HOF potential.

[Benny Profane]

ah rearry?

Man, I would hate to see what happens when he gets signed and then goes into a nasty slump and strikes out for the third time that game and comes back to do a Paul O'Neill in the dugout.

[climberevan]

My ankle has been grabbed by a chimp, black belt BJJ master aint got shit on them.

Would have lost that tugging war 11-1, but luckily a Polish lady with a hose came to rescue.

This.

I was on a "guided" hike once in Sumatra to check out "wild" orangutans. It turns out the "guides" there just feed the orangutans from their backpacks, and the apes are only semi-wild anyway.

I was carrying a backpack too, and one of the females came down to our height and kind of went for my pack. At some point we ended up sort of shaking hands. That second or two with her hand on mine told me, very viscerally, that I was absolutely NOT in control of the situation. She could have killed me in seconds.

Luckily she let go and the idiot "guide" told us to run, so we did. It was fucking ludicrous. Eventually she stopped following us and all was well.

No drugs were involved in this encounter. I did wake up naked in the bathroom later that night after partying, though, but that's another story.

[Benny Profane]

Remember this dude? He had his hands full with some run of the mill street monkey. If it was a chimp he'd be dead, fucked, and eaten.

I think the kick was key. Remember that.