Tammy Wynette cannot be reached for help-Divorce advice

[AK47bp]

You get hungry you eat something, you get tired you get some rest.


Best advice I ever received from my HS football coach.

[BmillsSkier]

Vibes anonalias, that's a hard sentence to read re: looking a marriage in the eye and calling it quits (paraphrasing).

Oh, and +2 on calling bullshit on wishing anyone here physical/mental pain, much less death, no matter who the intended target is. Who the fuck are you?

That said, if I ever have to ski with anyone who uses the word privilege in a way that only a jagoff SJW would, I will not hesitate to push your ass off the lift at its highest point and then bum a smoke at the top to toast your demise.

[oftpiste]

Vibes anon. The mercurial nature of this is one of the toughest parts. One minute you feel like things aren't so bad, the next you are completely upside down.

You probably won't, but feel free to PM me if you just want to talk through any of it and we'll figure out how to do that. I know from whence you speak. I'm so sorry. What you are dealing with is close to the worst thing a man can experience.

[DBdude]

it's a roller coaster

when we did mediation there were no lawyers involved. the final agreement was looked at by both our lawyers

when the ex and i went in to the process, we were on the same page about everything. the mediator was suspicious that we were plants from the state because we didn't argue about anything and reiterated time and time again the main thing was raising the kids and keeping the trauma drama down

the one marriage counseling session we went to was another story because I started to mock the counselor and was asked to leave. that was fun... we only did that once

[Gcooker]

it's a roller coaster

when we did mediation there were no lawyers involved. the final agreement was looked at by both our lawyers

when the ex and i went in to the process, we were on the same page about everything. the mediator was suspicious that we were plants from the state because we didn't argue about anything and reiterated time and time again the main thing was raising the kids and keeping the trauma drama down

the one marriage counseling session we went to was another story because I started to mock the counselor and was asked to leave. that was fun... we only did that once

This is pretty well where I'm at right now. House is sold, bought a new place, separation agreement is done. We started discussing splitting items in the house so there may be some room for arguments. But I couldn't really give a fuck about most of it. Lost some weight, getting laid, having fun. There are still ups and downs and that will likely go on for a lonnnnggg time. Split up 2 months ago this week, things have happened extremely fast, still feels like I'm in a bit of a haze.

[XXX-er]

Also, the fact that I have a lawyer is a serious sticking point for her. She doesn't want to do mediation/etc. because the divorce papers (which she finally read, part of what set her off tonight, I think) say I have a lawyer who will be representing me throughout the proceedings. I offered to fire him, and get documentation to that effect. Then we could both go engage an attorney together, equal footing. She didn't go for it..... She didn't go for anything, other than total capitulation. Which is tough to give....

Up here if you have to go back in front the judge and I did he or she will ask both parties if they got independant legal advice before signing a legal seperation agreement

[LHutz Esq]

Also, the fact that I have a lawyer is a serious sticking point for her. She doesn't want to do mediation/etc. because the divorce papers (which she finally read, part of what set her off tonight, I think) say I have a lawyer who will be representing me throughout the proceedings. I offered to fire him, and get documentation to that effect. Then we could both go engage an attorney together, equal footing. She didn't go for it..... She didn't go for anything, other than total capitulation. Which is tough to give....

I would not go self-represented without thinking it through very carefully. In some cases it is useful for one party to give a fixed amount so the other can have a one off meeting with a lawyer of their choosing. This often results in more realistic expectations. Again not knowing your jurisdiction - I doubt that you can have one lawyer represent both of you as this would be the definition of a conflict. Sometimes, you will have one lawyer draft an agreement based off of the parties mutual wishes (as set out in the minutes of a mediation for example) - but here each party needs independent advice. Here at least, an agreement can be set aside if it is unfair and one party did not have legal advice. (of course there is more to it than that)

It is really unfortunate that she is unwilling to consider mediation. My unscientific guess is that the far majority of folks who mediate find a settlement and are far happier with the results then those who go the court route. However, for it to work everyone needs to be committed to it (kind of like rehab I guess).

Another option, if it is available to you - is collaborative law. Both sides have representation, however all parties including the lawyers agree that if it goes to court the parties need to get new lawyers as the CL lawyers can't act. The upside is that the lawyers are just as invested in getting a resolution as you are and their isn't the perverse incentive that we have in law - the longer it goes the more the lawyer makes. The downside is that it can be expensive if you just can't get an agreement without going to court.



Good- luck man

[spindrift]

That said, if I ever have to ski with anyone who uses the word privilege in a way that only a jagoff SJW would, I will not hesitate to push your ass off the lift at its highest point and then bum a smoke at the top to toast your demise.

Spoken like a true privileged snowflake. Sorry if your delicate ego is bruised by reality. Just sayin...

[Kevo]

Lost some weight, getting laid, having fun.

Fuck yeah, Gcooker.

Be prepared to keep your distance when she realizes homeboy that she was cheating with is a piece of shit.

[BmillsSkier]

Spoken like a true privileged snowflake. Sorry if your delicate ego is bruised by reality. Just sayin...

I have no idea what you’re talking about man. No one does for that matter. What snowflakes and privilege and any other buzzword has to do with divorce and a divorce thread is beyond us. Hence a very tongue in cheek reaction to that rather odd addition to the discussion.

But carry on I guess. I’m sure mtngirl will be all over it when she comes back.

[ACH]

Just like jumping out & castigating random people or groups because of some innocuous occurrence that has no facking bearing on matters of equality or injustice. It's thinly veiled self worship. Autofellatio yer heart out birdy.

Narcissism at it's finest

[DBdude]

mediation is not binding

we tried two mediators - the first, I despised, the mediator was very biased towards my wife and was pushing for alimony. The fact that my ex had a job history of earning more than me didn't phase the mediator one bit

the second was great

it's just a meeting, or a series of meetings, it works, it works

it doesn't, it doesn't

[Rip'nStick]

To Gcooker and anon, just know that this is just the start and your ex will never truly be out of your life if you have kids. We went to mediation, got a separation ageement, all good. Good working relationship. I got a new job and then... served papers of divorce, custody, child and spousal support. $14,000 in legal fees and we ended up with the same agreement. Just a waste of money. Now years later she told me she was taking a 6 month yoga teaching class and I needed to watch the kids every weekend, that I had agreed to it on the phone. The phone logs doesn't show us on the phone when she said we agreed.... she gave up on that lie.

It never ends, you just have to find a way to make it good for the kids and isolate yourself from it. Same story from divorced women I know.

[Rip'nStick]

To Gcooker and anon, just know that this is just the start and your ex will never truly be out of your life if you have kids. We went to mediation, got a separation ageement, all good. Good working relationship. I got a new job and then... served papers of divorce, custody, child and spousal support. $14,000 in legal fees and we ended up with the same agreement. Just a waste of money. Now years later she told me she was taking a 6 month yoga teaching class and I needed to watch the kids every weekend, that I had agreed to it on the phone. The phone logs doesn't show us on the phone when she said we agreed.... she gave up on that lie.

It never ends, you just have to find a way to make it good for the kids and isolate yourself from it. Same story from divorced women I know.

[Gcooker]

To Gcooker and anon, just know that this is just the start and your ex will never truly be out of your life if you have kids. We went to mediation, got a separation ageement, all good. Good working relationship. I got a new job and then... served papers of divorce, custody, child and spousal support. $14,000 in legal fees and we ended up with the same agreement. Just a waste of money. Now years later she told me she was taking a 6 month yoga teaching class and I needed to watch the kids every weekend, that I had agreed to it on the phone. The phone logs doesn't show us on the phone when she said we agreed.... she gave up on that lie.

It never ends, you just have to find a way to make it good for the kids and isolate yourself from it. Same story from divorced women I know.

Yes I hear you and have thought a lot about that very thing. She'll be in my life forever, ironically for better or for worse. Kids are number 1, thankfully they're young and adaptable. But I know full well this isn't going to be a walk in the park. Just working on me and the kids.

[Marshall Tucker]

^ Ms. MT in her words had "a starter marriage." married 1m outta college, litterally walked out just shy of 5 years later. no kids. This was after a fair amount of problems and conseling. asked for nothing. The last time she's even spoken to him was 1987. Seems a bit odd to me you would spend about 10 years of your life with someone and just leave like that, but I guess it happens. Both stayed, albeit in in different parts, of the same major city. YMMV.

[anonalias]

Vibes anon. The mercurial nature of this is one of the toughest parts. One minute you feel like things aren't so bad, the next you are completely upside down.

You probably won't, but feel free to PM me if you just want to talk through any of it and we'll figure out how to do that. I know from whence you speak. I'm so sorry. What you are dealing with is close to the worst thing a man can experience.

Thanks. I do appreciate the thought. You may hear from me.... I’ve got a pretty good support system with a handful of good friends who have gone above and beyond listening to my kvetching and crazy stories....

Truly, she had me doubting myself the last couple days. She hit me hard when I was at a low point and kept it going for 48 hours.... a couple weeks of that and I’d have had a hard time pushing through, I think. The about face was a difficult but welcome reminder of who she is, how unreliable she is as any kind of emotional safe place, and her very casual relationship with the truth and honestly characterizing past events.

[delco714]

OK...so....maybe she's a little manic. Came home tonight, and the script had flipped from "let's be good friends. Give me a hug when you leave for the day or for goodnight. Are you sure you don't want me to stay here for a while? We could just hold each other....." - to - "our custody agreement does not work for me (we'd agreed to two nights/week each and alternating fri/sat/sun), we're back to a weeknight and every other weekend." and "you need to be out of here immediately. I need you gone."

I think she has too many voices feeding her shit for her to have any consistency, and she doesn't have enough of a center to find her own consistency. I think she has some reasonable friends/family, and she talks to them and we end up in a fairly good place, considering. ...and then she has some batshit friends, and, well, here we are.

Also, the fact that I have a lawyer is a serious sticking point for her. She doesn't want to do mediation/etc. because the divorce papers (which she finally read, part of what set her off tonight, I think) say I have a lawyer who will be representing me throughout the proceedings. I offered to fire him, and get documentation to that effect. Then we could both go engage an attorney together, equal footing. She didn't go for it..... She didn't go for anything, other than total capitulation. Which is tough to give....

Emotional humans being emotional

Part of the process unfortunately..teetering on the edge of denial and anger to acceptance..

All normal..

Hang In there

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[delco714]

^ Ms. MT in her words had "a starter marriage." married 1m outta college, litterally walked out just shy of 5 years later. no kids. This was after a fair amount of problems and conseling. asked for nothing. The last time she's even spoken to him was 1987. Seems a bit odd to me you would spend about 10 years of your life with someone and just leave like that, but I guess it happens. Both stayed, albeit in in different parts, of the same major city. YMMV.

Sounds familiar..it does happen

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[Gcooker]

Questions for you guys that are in 50-50 kid custody situations... how do you break up the time? week on week off?

[XXX-er]

its somewhere between the easy going joint custody gig with kids coming and going as life dictates

and no contact between the estranged parties except thru the lawyers

and the kids runs from the car to the house prisoner exchange style

[DBdude]

week on week off and what ever help car duty needed on off week. the door at my place is often unlocked and the keys to my house are stashed where everyone knows where they are. we live a mile apart. so free come and go

also flexible for any family events on ex side and taking them skiing for me. just flexible, always... the ex probably has them more than me because her family is pretty active

it's about the kids. take it as it comes

[Harry]

Questions for you guys that are in 50-50 kid custody situations... how do you break up the time? week on week off?

I already posted it in this thread, so it is now buried somewhere in here, but this is what my cousin did:

1) keep the house, and the kids live there.
2) rent a 2-bedroom apartment nearby.

Kids stay put, same school, same friends, same pets. Adults rotate through a week on, a week off.

YMMV but it worked well for my cousin. Kids now mid-20's and doing very well.

[concretejungle]

Questions for you guys that are in 50-50 kid custody situations... how do you break up the time? week on week off?

2-2-3. I think it's the best for the kids (if they're younger) and it's the best for me. They see you both fairly often and it's easy to maintain your single life. If you have any further questions ask but I think it allows the kid(s) to see both parents often enough and you can still do your thing (work, play, etc.).

I couldn't share a place with my ex but it works for some.

There are no "exchanges" between us as she or I drop her off at school and the other picks her up on the exchange day. Her mother picks up and drops off her stuff that gets transferred (bikes, skis, etc.) in my garage but I live a block from her school.

[Cono Este]

If it makes you feel better to know, I got kicked out of my mediation. Waited outside while my life was carved up. My ex showed up in business attire? She had no job. I was very cool in cutting her a check for 33% of my premarital assets, mostly for the kids to have a good home, and she wouldn’t include a relatively tiny 401k of hers in the figures. I couldn’t help but be a smart ass.

Tell her to get a lawyer, most of these guys don’t want a fight, and they will do your work for you.

When we closed on my mansion 3 months later her Dad was at the closing. I asked the realtor “Are we selling tickets to this?” Took my half and bought a new k1200 gt that day. Screamed to myself under my helmet at 100 mph.




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