Older parents-WWYD?

[goldenboy]

Seems the subscriptions are $29-50/month? Seems worth it. My 80+ pop fell and probably wouldn't have spent the night on the living room floor waiting for a neighbor to find him if we had it.

The one my sister found was $300 to activate plus $70/month. She can afford it but it definitely feels like gouging to me.

fatnslow- Yeah, she already has an Alexa and that's where I'd probably go with it, just add a few of those around the house...

[mcski]

I found a couple non subscription options but it’s been a while and I can’t recall the brands now but there are a few. I ended up opting on placing some cameras inside so I could check in remotely as needed as i knew my dad would never use the help button anyway. And I certainly didn’t want the call going to first responders likely to break down the door since my dad was too deaf to hear knocking or the doorbell

[fatnslow]

The one my sister found was $300 to activate plus $70/month. She can afford it but it definitely feels like gouging to me.

fatnslow- Yeah, she already has an Alexa and that's where I'd probably go with it, just add a few of those around the house...

It's a pretty good way of parents maintain some dignity and have a emergency backup plan just in case. In many ways the subscription base option adds one more layer vs having Alexa call someone directly.

[KQ]

My mom is still doing quite well at her age, but she fell last month. I'm not super concerned about it- she fell asleep watching TV and fell getting up out of a rocker-style Lazy-Boy. We made her get a more solid chair so it's easier to push off of when she gets up, but we think she should probably have some sort of watch or medi-alert necklace just in case.

Anybody have something to recommend? Some of these cost a ton for the subscription, too- which she can afford but I feel like they're just gouging seniors and it annoys me.

Oh I'd be conconcerned if I were you (not to freak you out but seriously). Don't get lax, get her the medic alert necklace and take her to the doc for a full check up. Falls in the elderly greatly increase dementia.

[goldenboy]

^^ Thanks- she did go to the doctor and all is well, though a necklace or something similar was suggested, so here we are.

[hikesalot]

We like the Echo Show - can drop in to talk and see them. We also have used webcams in bedroom, kitchen, living room that we can check remotely.

[sb]

Good luck with it then.

[evdog]

My mom is still doing quite well at her age, but she fell last month. I'm not super concerned about it- she fell asleep watching TV and fell getting up out of a rocker-style Lazy-Boy. We made her get a more solid chair so it's easier to push off of when she gets up, but we think she should probably have some sort of watch or medi-alert necklace just in case.

Anybody have something to recommend? Some of these cost a ton for the subscription, too- which she can afford but I feel like they're just gouging seniors and it annoys me.

We just got a medical necklace for my mom last week. She is in BC so same vendors won't be available down here but I found a few things to look for. One was a service that has fall detection. So if she falls and gets knocked out or can't move, the device will detect the fall and notify the support center to call for help. If she moves within 30 sec the auto call is cancelled and she'd have to hit the button herself. It is waterproof and can be worn in the shower which is a major area of concern. She has had a few falls, mostly on carpet, but if in a bathroom and out cold my dad may not hear her or realize she's been in there a long time (he has Alzheimer's) so she may not get help without it.

I picked a service that is run by a national org with service locally by volunteers. Cost was either 55 or 75/mo with the fall detection. She gets a necklace with button and a base unit that connects to landline. If the button is pushed the support center can talk to her two-way via the base unit. It is loud. If they get no voice response they call the house phone. If no answer there they will call any neighbors we list as contacts, or anyone else within 5-10min who can come over and check in. If none of them are reachable, they call an ambulance. We set up a lockbox outside with a house key in it, and both the lifeline service and neighbors have the code so anyone responding can get in. If the call is triggered by fall detection the service tries two way voice call, then house phone, then ambulance. And maybe call neighbors after. Seems like a pretty good system to me, and fairly simple. Everything has battery backup in case power goes out and you're required to test press the button monthly.

Other systems I looked at had some similar functions but I used this one best. And liked the volunteer aspect. Everyone in the parents town seem very helpful and caring.

[frorider]

When I read articles or talk to friends about dealing with elderly parents, two things come up semi regularly:

societal pressure for one of the daughters (regardless of her career responsibilities) to take the lead on providing the care (incl temporarily leaving her job) while the brother(s) work on their golf games.

And the stress of providing care out of a feeling of obligation despite the fact that the parent kind of treated the son or daughter really badly or even abusively when they were younger.

Grateful that my parents were and are great people, makes it somewhat easier now.

[old goat]

When I read articles or talk to friends about dealing with elderly parents, two things come up semi regularly:

societal pressure for one of the daughters (regardless of her career responsibilities) to take the lead on providing the care (incl temporarily leaving her job) while the brother(s) work on their golf games.

And the stress of providing care out of a feeling of obligation despite the fact that the parent kind of treated the son or daughter really badly or even abusively when they were younger.

Grateful that my parents were and are great people, makes it somewhat easier now.

I can count on the fingers of one hand with a few left over the number a times a son brought in an elderly parent to the office. Son-in-laws zero. If it's not a daughter that brings them it's their daughter in law.

[riser4]

I took my dad to a lot of appointments. It was taxing. I took my FIL to a handful but I didn't go in because I wasn't authorized to and he didn't want me to.

[BC.]

I can count on the fingers of one hand with a few left over the number a times a son brought in an elderly parent to the office. Son-in-laws zero. If it's not a daughter that brings them it's their daughter in law.

I guess I’m the one then…..but as an only child, I probably don’t count in your equation. I’ve been dealing with both my 80+ yo old parents (who live separately/alone)….and an hour each away from me….I’ve been in the wringer for awhile now. This thread does help me.

I would assume the next steps are having both going into assisted living facilities….the late night calls/ during work calls for falls/emergencies has reached a limit. I’m having a really hard time doing it all/ for both of them at the same time/but different houses. I’m gonna need help from professionals. My life/work/family sees me struggling to try to help both my parents out/ who need help. We can’t afford for me to take time off for work/ my sick/personal days are almost all gone (god forbid I/my wife/or kids get sick).

I read this thread daily to just try to get ideas…because many are going through the same situations with our aging parents. They deserve peace/I just have to figure out the best way to give them that.

[gravitylover]

@BC when the dementia set in my wife had to leave her job and start something for herself from home. About the same time I had a heart attack and became less useful and he had to move into a facility. As fucked as these places are it'll have to happen or you'll go nutz. You'll still spend hours each week managing their care but you don't have to be onsite (too often).

As far as the women being stuck with it, not always. I've at least driven my FIL to most doc appts and taken him solo a bunch of times. I took him for his Covid shots too when she was laid up with a broken ankle.

I have too much going on with my dad since he called me crying to say goodbye a few days ago and can't type it all out right now. I'm fukn exhausted.

[liv2ski]

Damn gravitylover, you have so much on your plate these days, I don't know what to say and just hope you can hang in there.

[mcski]

I guess I’m the one then…..but as an only child, I probably don’t count in your equation. I’ve been dealing with both my 80+ yo old parents (who live separately/alone)….and an hour each away from me….I’ve been in the wringer for awhile now. This thread does help me.
.

Maybe a combo of only child syndrome combined w some guilt for being a spoiled teenage jackass. At any rate, I went to countless appts and spent countless days/nights with my dad in the hospital as well. It def took a toll, but I wouldn’t trade the time, and was lucky I could manage it work wise. Many times he said, don’t worry about me, you gotta live your own life. And maybe I should have parked him in a care home at some point but it all worked out in the end

[BC.]

Maybe a combo of only child syndrome combined w some guilt for being a spoiled teenage jackass. At any rate, I went to countless appts and spent countless days/nights with my dad in the hospital as well. It def took a toll, but I wouldn’t trade the time, and was lucky I could manage it work wise. Many times he said, don’t worry about me, you gotta live your own life. And maybe I should have parked him in a care home at some point but it all worked out in the end

Agreed…I do think as my dad goes downhill the last year(s), we are getting closer…..much more than when I was growing up. Taking care of him/ as he struggles….is like how he took care of me as an infant. Changing/bathing/feeding/socially/shopping, etc.

The hardest part now are these falls in the middle of the night/day…he just can’t get up on his own…and I’m 30+ miles away….the phone ringing in the middle of the night/day is coming more and more…and at work, with teaching/coaching…I just can’t leave “when I need to”. I tell him to call 911…but he won’t do it anymore/doesn’t want the ambulance to come.

From this thread….I know each of our situations are unique…but being able to read about the struggle/ get ideas of how to solve issues is a huge help. For me, not having anybody else (siblings/aunts/uncles, etc) to help. I have to do it alone x2….I need to find the balance of making both my parents comfortable and me still staying healthy for my wife, kids, friends, and my career.

For right now, I think the best situation would a type of rehab center? where he and my mom could be at for just a few weeks….where they can get daily PT, the nursing care they need, just to be able to get their strength back in their legs/core/backs so they can move around better without the threat of falling…..and feel better about themselves.

I don’t even know if this type of service is even available in our area? I’ve reached out to our local social services and our county center for aging…hoping they might have ideas? They are both retired teachers (40+ years)…so they deserve some help. He and my mom are not quite ready for full time assisted living yet/ but it’s coming soon.

[mcski]

I recommend trying to get him an Rx for PT and OT. I was lucky in that my dad got really into exercise which helped him immensely. And the OT helped him w strategies and techiques to get himself off the floor when he would inevitably fall. Even when he was a double amputee, the skills were really useful. He would never ever call 911. He’d barely call me unless he was really stuck. Hence, why I put cams up in his apt. It was easier for both of us and huge piece of mind not having to wonder why he wasn’t answering the phone or just to do a quick chk if I heard any loud thuds downstairs.

PS- I always found really good home help by asking attendants in the rehab facilities he visited if they knew of anyone that might be interested. They always had some family member that was lol

[gravitylover]

Damn gravitylover, you have so much on your plate these days, I don't know what to say and just hope you can hang in there.

Ya just keep on keepin' on. What else, right? Falling apart won't do anyone any good.

@BC if they move into a facility they'll get sent to the hospital every time they fall so be aware that it adds a hassle layer when you have to go deal with that then sign them out and transport them back yourself.

[KQ]

Mom had a stroke on Wednesday. Currently in hospital but moving to rehab tomorrow. She is left side neglect and on top of that has now tested positive for the flu.

Other than that she looks pretty good for 92. Long term recall is great but is easily overwhelmed by too many questions.

[JohnF]

Sorry to hear. Hate it when something else, flu, mrsa, just adds to it.

[KQ]

Sorry to hear. Hate it when something else, flu, mrsa, just adds to it.

She's been hacking up a lung for a couple weeks now. The day before the stroke I had her at the doctor for it and they did lung x-rays and what not. Doc thought it was nothing big and prescribed her a z-pack. Today the hosp. said she tested positive for influenza.

Re: Left side neglect -

[Meadow Skipper]

Vibes for KQ.

[frorider]

Sorry to hear this KQ.

[riser4]

Vibes for KQ.

And her mom.

[KQ]

Thanks. It is what it is. She's 92.

This just popped into my feed. It's something I've been thinking about. Seems like this would be a good thing to teach in school with other real life skills like money management.

This Is The Biggest Life Event That Millennials Don't See Coming