Older parents-WWYD?

[frorider]

Damn KQ, rough road but some hope in there.

As my parents hit 80, I’m hearing more stories of elderly folks who not only can’t rely on their kids, but actively get taken advantage of.

Guess I’m saying that having kids is no guarantee. I’ve seen multigenerational groups of close friends do a great job of handling this. Especially in the LBQT community when I lived in Seattle. Acting as health advocate, home nurse, whatever was needed. It takes a village and all that.

[mcski]

KQ,
My dad lived in our in law apartment the last dozen or so years of his life. He died at 89, 10 years ago this month.

During the time he lived with us, we experienced everything from his complete independence to full on 24/7 care at times.

His mantra was old age ain’t for wussies

I was never a fan of agency care. They take a huge cut and the minimum hours can be a hassle sometimes. I recommend asking around at her rehab facilities on the down low. I’d ask people that I liked if they “knew anyone that might be interested” and almost always either they or a family member or friend would take the gig. It always worked out pretty well

Being in a hospital and old is a total roll of the dice. Without an advocate, I saw a lot of elderly get written off. No doubt my dad would have been dead many times over if I hadn’t been there to educate the docs on what his baseline was prior to being admitted. That almost always got a reevaluation of the care plan because he was pretty vigorous and motivated on a regular daily basis. But on more than one occasion, he’d be in rehab, get sick w pneumonia or somethjng , be sent to the hospital and the general reaction was just make the old guy from the convalescent home comfortable w drugs and move on. Then I’d show up and tell them he was weight training that morning and the medical attitude would flip 180deg

Anyway, if you think she might be able to get back home but need some help, as around. It’s available for less than 38 per hour generally. I heard just as more shady stories of agency caregivers, so protection wise that’s not really a justification for their rate

Let me know if you have any other questions. You can get more than 20 days from Medicare but she has to show continual improvement the whole time.

[G. Gordon Liddy]

I'm so sorry KQ. The hospital/ER circuit is so brutal, but hang in there and do everything in your power to say everything positive that you want to share with your mom!

I lost both my parents this year, both 73 years old. Dad passed away in 7 days after a cancer diagnosis and I didn't get home in time to say good bye. My mom on the other hand had been sick for a long time with various ailments only to be diagnosed with cirrhosis last November. It was pretty far along, so we weren't expecting much more than a year or two. Cirrhosis is a horrible disease and she was in and out of the hospital before and after my dad passed away (in fact, she was admitted to the hospital the morning he passed). She passed away at the end of September after we moved her into a living facility when she could no longer take care of herself. It was an awful experience, and it was at one of the nicest care facilities in Bend.

I'm only sharing this story because after my dad passed away so suddenly, I was forced (in a good way) to spend weeks with my mom while we tried to get her out of the hospital and back to her home. I feel that with her finally being forced to be sober I could remember my mom as she was when I was a kid. No wild mood swings, finally asking me questions about me and my family instead of complaining about anything and everything, and actually remembering conversations from the night before. I was with her the last few days of her life and I think I said how much she meant to me. I think I told her all the things I wanted to say. It was all such a scary blur I really can't remember what I said... But there hasn't been a day since that I wished I could have just one more conversation with them both to let them know what they meant to me.

I guess, I'm just sharing because it is all so fucking overwhelming that I wonder if I forgot to say everything I promised myself I'd tell her. So be sure to step back, take a deep breath and remember to say what you want to say while you still can...

[Core Shot]

Paging dr kevorkian. Or Soylent green.

I wish we could allow assisted departure. For the old and infirm living useless lives.
My mom is ready. I would hold her hand while they pushed the syringe. Just as I would for an animal.
I dread getting to that stage.
And for myself would prefer a peaceful exit.

[KQ]

To everyone responding and sharing your stories - thank you from the bottom of my heart and all the best to you and your loved ones. My reasons for sharing this story/my journey so far were partly selfish because I needed to get it out and partly to help others who may soon be faced with this situation. I say again, there has to be a better way.

McSki - yes, I noticed a huge change in staff attitude towards my mother when I mentioned she was cooking a pot roast and not feebling stumbling along.

GGL - I have noticed that too. Mom and I have had some good conversations. Glad you were able to reconnect.

CS - yep

[Harry]

Vibes KQ. As you know, I lost my Mom this summer. I left my life in a ski town to care for her. The past two years have been the most fulfilling of my life, despite being elbow deep in bodily fluids as I changed her diaper. You have a tough road ahead of you. But the unconditional love your Mother gave you when you were young and unable to care for yourself is now your responsibility to pay back. And your soul will be richly rewarded for that.

[KQ]

Vibes KQ. As you know, I lost my Mom this summer. I left my life in a ski town to care for her. The past two years have been the most fulfilling of my life, despite being elbow deep in bodily fluids as I changed her diaper. You have a tough road ahead of you. But the unconditional love your Mother gave you when you were young and unable to care for yourself is now your responsibility to pay back. And your soul will be richly rewarded for that.

You and your mother have been in my thoughts through out this. Thanks.

[mcski]

Vibes KQ. As you know, I lost my Mom this summer. I left my life in a ski town to care for her. The past two years have been the most fulfilling of my life, despite being elbow deep in bodily fluids as I changed her diaper. You have a tough road ahead of you. But the unconditional love your Mother gave you when you were young and unable to care for yourself is now your responsibility to pay back. And your soul will be richly rewarded for that.

My dad let me know my debt had been paid in full after his umpteenth diaper disaster requiring near hazmat levels of clean up. Hard to believe in hindsight all the gross things you can get used to doing after a while. 🤪

[Danno]

I'm so sorry KQ. This is my future nightmare that I hope does not come to pass. My parents -- still together -- are 91 and 88 and living on their own and doing as well as two people their age could be. Which makes me incredibly lucky and I am so grateful. But nobody gets out of here alive, and I know it is just a matter of time.

[halliday]

Vibes KQ. As you know, I lost my Mom this summer. I left my life in a ski town to care for her. The past two years have been the most fulfilling of my life, despite being elbow deep in bodily fluids as I changed her diaper. You have a tough road ahead of you. But the unconditional love your Mother gave you when you were young and unable to care for yourself is now your responsibility to pay back. And your soul will be richly rewarded for that.

It's what family does. Or is supposed to do. Taking care of elderly parents or relatives is the most unselfish thing you will ever do. Like you said they did it for you....unfortunately some don't see it that way.

[frorider]

It's what family does. Or is supposed to do. Taking care of elderly parents or relatives is the most unselfish thing you will ever do. Like you said they did it for you....unfortunately some don't see it that way.

Their loss.

[liv2ski]

Well if it adds some levity to an otherwise difficult time, my mom is in hospice care and has requested the "End of Life" cocktail. Doc #1 said ok and she meets doc #2 next week. She told me "I hope you appreciate that you will not need to deal with my diapers", to which I responded, "never would have. It was a long walk in the woods for you". We laughed.

[Meadow Skipper]

Damn, KQ, I’m sorry to hear about your trials and tribulations. If there’s ever anything I could do…just say the word.

This whole thing has me thinking about stocking up and stashing stuff to help me to check out just as I reach the point where I’m about to become a burden. Funny/sucks how it’s easier for me to get a pistol than a bunch of opiates.

^ Nice, l2s.

[Trackhead]

When I'm not feeling sorry for myself I think of it as something of a first-world problem. Like scottyb said above, that's what life is.

* My daughter claims she's going to take me in my wheelchair to the top of a steep hill and let me go. I suggested she light me on fire before pushing me off.

Point #1 - yup
Point #2 - sounds amazing, I'd hope the same for me

[fatnslow]

It's what family does. Or is supposed to do. Taking care of elderly parents or relatives is the most unselfish thing you will ever do. Like you said they did it for you....unfortunately some don't see it that way.

Actually it was the most growing thing I have been done in my life . I consider it the greatest gift I received from my parents allowing me to be the son they always deserved as we walked the last mile together.
My parents died within a 100 days of each other and my mom only spent a week in a nursing home while we prepped the house for her and dad never left the house. However it wasn't an extended run so I'm very thankful for that.

[byates1]

I'm heading home to spend 2 months w Mom this winter. She is fine now but almost 82. A couple more yrs I figure I'll be there full time. I built a small cabin behind her house.

Best of luck KQ, and all.

[riser4]

I'm heading home to spend 2 months w Mom this winter. She is fine now but almost 82. A couple more yrs I figure I'll be there full time. I built a small cabin behind her house.

Best of luck KQ, and all.

I can't believe a small cabin is gonna be nicer than the van.

[PB]

I'm overwhelmed by the parental love and respect you've all exhibited, Dog Bless you all. Best wishes KQ to you and your Mother.

And LV2S, MS: that's my plan - going out while you can still joke about it, best way to be remembered.

[Brownski]

We went through similar stuff with my parents; my mom passed in 2020 and my dad around the end of 21. I think I might have chimed in upthread someplace. It sounds like you’re making good decisions and being a good advocate for your mom, KQ. You have nothing to feel guilty about. It’s easy to see from your participation here that you’re a good soul. Hang in there.

[BCMtnHound]

Just visited Dad and did some seasonal work on the property/house in prep for winter. Stubborn old curmudgeon is going to try ‘one more winter’. He has finally been getting a bit of help doing the housework, and had a bit of luck finding some help this summer around the property (but hasn’t secured reliable help for the winter season). Woodshed is full. His knees are getting worse and had a bad fall this summer that took over 5wks to recover (as well as an 82yo can).

We continue to make the offer for him to live in with us. My LPN wife has been working in home healthcare (govt provided) here this past summer, and has a great handle explaining what is/is not available, and why he can’t get assistance living so far out from the nearest town (30min drive, across a ferry). But, he admits he’s just too lazy to sell the place if there is any possibility of him staying another season. Stubborn fool, but I get it.

[Trackhead]

KQ, I’m that ER guy, that’s my job. At my facility we routinely admit elderly folks for “observation” then transition to “inpatient” with the plan of swing bed status for inpatient skilled nursing/rehab. I work in a tiny rural hospital so I have to cover the role of ED, and hospitalist.

We do this stuff daily, it’s almost always pelvic/hip fractures in elderly. Most get discharged to Assisted living, some long term care, some hospice, some to home. It’s tough in big hospitals to admit these folks, and it’s wrong not to at the same time. At my tiny hospital we get no push back, and frequently do “respite care” social admits for cases just like your moms.

The system is broken, but so are Americans values towards our elders. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s a brutal time universally for everyone, including the helpless ER providers.

[mcski]

It’s been a while since i had to navigate this stuff, but I recall “observation” was a real dangerous thing when it came to medicare coverage at the hospital. I recall always making sure that if he was getting any drugs to make sure he was inpatient or Medicare wouldn’t cover w a/b and part d was a crap shoot depending on the plan. At any rate, always press hard and make sure they get the inpatient stamp if your leaving them overnight or the bills go from easy to argh quickly

[XXX-er]

The boys have been doing reno's and buying RE so today i sent them some $$$$$ they can really use, why wait till I am dead ?

hopefully they won't put me in a shitty home eh

[KQ]

I am faced with a dilemma. My 78 yr old mom came down with West Nile virus about 3 years ago. It almost killed her due to the encephalitis that it gave her. Now she has nerve damage, which hampers her ability to get around and she has fallen a few times, breaking bones, which causes her more pain and lack of mobility. Where she lives, she is on the HOA board and feels compelled to be out in the gardens and yards showing the landscaping crew how to do their jobs. That is likely when the mosquito bit her to transmit the West Nile and she has been bit by a black widow which fucked her up too. I have been asking her for a few years to stop working with the landscaping crew, as she really is not able to do it anymore, but she doesn't listen to me. The bummer about the West Nile virus is it likely took about 10 years off my mom's life and she acts more like someone in their late 80's rather than 70's.

Needless to say I am always worried about her and was relieved when my step dad finally retired a year ago, so he could keep an eye on her. Wrong, turns out he is developing some mental issues (he's crazy) wasn't sleeping, drinking to much and he started to develop auditory and visual hallucinations.
So a few weeks ago his son hospitalized him. I met with him yesterday and after talking to him, I am certain he can be ok if he moderates the booze (he isn't drinking at this time) is around other people (he was very isolated the last year) gets his sleep and takes care of himself.

Normally people in their late 70's should be able to take care of themselves, but I really don't know about these two. So, what to do?

They live two hours away from me so I can't drop in on them daily. I asked my mom if I could put a webcam in her kitchen and she said "hell no". I suggested they have someone come in every other day to help out and she states they don't need that (which is true). What they need is a full time babysitter to keep an eye on them.

So, in talking to my wife she suggested we add a granny flat on the house and move them down here with us. I work from home, so I could definitely keep an eye on them and living where we do would be so nice for them compared to the hood they live in now.

Bummer for the wife and I, is there go our plans to travel in 3 years, once she retires at 63. Now she said she may as well work to 65 (which sucks) as we aren't going anywhere for the next 20+ years if we are watching the parents.

It isn't like my parents can really afford anything close to us to just move closer to us, so that is why we would need to move them into our home, if I am going to keep an eye on them.

So do we just do it or is there any other way to work this out?

end blog

Well if it adds some levity to an otherwise difficult time, my mom is in hospice care and has requested the "End of Life" cocktail. Doc #1 said ok and she meets doc #2 next week. She told me "I hope you appreciate that you will not need to deal with my diapers", to which I responded, "never would have. It was a long walk in the woods for you". We laughed.

This is your thread which started with the first quote above and the second six years later. Hugs for you both and thank you and everyone on here for sharing and caring. You guys rock.


Trackhead: Thanks. I don't fault the ER. They were sympathic and expressed their frustration with the system. The doc that was so frank with me spoke of how broken our current healthcare system is and the shortage of beds/care givers.

[halliday]

Their loss.

I moved to a part of the country I would have never even visited on vacation. The adjustment was very difficult for me but being able to be there and help out with everyday things while I am home from work (I travel for work). My wife takes care of all finances, legal issues, etc and when Im home I take care of everything else. Dishwasher install, planting, yard, cooking etc..It's super rewarding when you can see my in-laws really appreciate all of the help. They have nothing to worry about because we have it under control. My father in law passed last year and my MIL was recently moved to assisted living (still very close to us and built and managed by the developers of our community). She comes over to supper three or so days a week and we do all of her laundry and send her back with enough leftovers for days. Every time she leaves to go back to her place I always joke that she is going back the Savannah Quarters Women's Correctional Facility which is met with a prompt whack on the shin which her cane, and a peck on the cheek. Not bad for ninety. Hoping for a few more.