Older parents-WWYD?

[KQ]

Some friendships are stronger than others.

LOL! True dat but it was no biggie. She lives in a condo. She probably could have buried him somewhere around the stable where she kept him but I think she liked the idea of him being here better. I put him in my animal graveyard with all the other horses, cats and my parrot. *makes the sign of the cross*

[SumJongGuy]

[XXX-er]

My GF had her horse cremated and the remains shipped to me for burial on my farm. 55lbs worth of ashes.

I'm wondering about a facility big enough to cremate a horse, is horse cremation a common practice as opposed to just calling the local backhoe service ?

[old goat]

Why not put ashes in a biodegradable dog poop bag and leave the bag at the designated location. What's one more abandoned dog poop bag?

[PB]

I'm wondering about a facility big enough to cremate a horse, is horse cremation a common practice as opposed to just calling the local backhoe service ?

Generally illegal to bury carcasses of any sort in back yard, but ...... wink, wink, nod, nod, d'ya know what I mean?

[PB]

Why not put ashes in a biodegradable dog poop bag and leave the bag at the designated location. What's one more abandoned dog poop bag?

Ooooh ..... leave the bag by the side of the trail cuz yer gonna get it on the way back? If fluffy is small, just bag the carcass to leave by the trail side, avoid the cremation hassle!

[SumJongGuy]

It's more like 5 pounds than a little dog poop bag. I've not seen a dog poop bag anywhere near enough for cremated remains.. So, I guess you'd need to funnel them in to 10-15 dog poop bags and scatter them all around the park LOL!

[old goat]

It's more like 5 pounds than a little dog poop bag. I've not seen a dog poop bag anywhere near enough for cremated remains.. So, I guess you'd need to funnel them in to 10-15 dog poop bags and scatter them all around the park LOL!

If a poop bag can hold a Bernese shit it can just about hold an uncremated human.

[mcski]

Generally illegal to bury carcasses of any sort in back yard, but ...... wink, wink, nod, nod, d'ya know what I mean?

We had a lot of cats when I was growing up in SoCal. Theyre mostly all still in the back yard

[XXX-er]

My dope dealers brother in law had an anecdote about burying a horse up on the high road with his back hoe,

it couldn't have been that good cuz i don't remember it but Brad was a bit of a character

i had to dig a grave for GF's favorite dog in river gravel/ rock of her back yard,

that was not easy and then she hated me any way

I'm thinking burying yer parent in the back yard might not be kosher ?

[KQ]

I'm thinking burying yer parent in the back yard might not be kosher ?

Washington allows for composting bodies.

[KQ]

I'm wondering about a facility big enough to cremate a horse, is horse cremation a common practice as opposed to just calling the local backhoe service ?

For her, where she lived it was either send him to the rendering plant or cremation. She couldn't face the first option and chose the second.

It was an expensive service and yeah possible the ashes were some other animal but it made her happy.

[Core Shot]

Spending a day or two with mom.

She wants to die. Can’t say I blame her.

Life isn’t fun anymore. Can’t do anything.

Still in her home. But damn. If she asked for dr kevorkian I would kiss her on the cheek and hold her hand with love in my heart.

[KQ]

Spending a day or two with mom.

She wants to die. Can’t say I blame her.

Life isn’t fun anymore. Can’t do anything.

Still in her home. But damn. If she asked for dr kevorkian I would kiss her on the cheek and hold her hand with love in my heart.

Thought about this as I put my horse down today. It was time and the right thing to do given his deteriorated health and lack of mobility.

A kindness we allow for animals but not for our fellow humans.

[gravitylover]

^^ As I watch our parents fade away, with one no longer really "living", this thought often pops up.

[Core Shot]

Thought about this as I put my horse down today. It was time and the right thing to do given his deteriorated health and lack of mobility.

A kindness we allow for animals but not for our fellow humans.

So true.

Some nations in Europe have anecdotes of healthy young people that suicide legally. That ain’t right. But at end of life we should be allowed to go peacefully into the long dirt nap. Suffering and not living is cruel.

[Buster Highmen]

A kindness we allow for animals but not for our fellow humans.

Had the same thought.

Managing my dementiaed mom 3200 miles away after my dad passed sucked in so many ways.

[riser4]

[SumJongGuy]

Had the same thought.

Managing my dementiaed mom 3200 miles away after my dad passed sucked in so many ways.

Same with my mom. She did come out and live across town from us for 5 years before she made the horrible decision to move back to Oklahoma and do her assisted living sunset there.. She was trying to spare us from the hassles she knew were inevitable but only complicated them much worse as she went downhill. She was too unstable to move across the country again at that point.

[XXX-er]

old people make bad choices cuz they are old, my parents lasted to 84 & 90 they could have lived longer without some bad choices, neither one lasted long once they started the down hill slide, i think it was only 3 weeks and 3 months

[KQ]

The child becomes the parent – the saga of navigating elder care for your aging parent:

On Friday the 6th of October while cooking a pot roast in her apartment at the independent living retirement home my 92 yo mother slipped and fell sitting down hard on the kitchen floor. She wears a call button for the facility and summoned help which in turn called 911 for a transport to the ER. X-rays revealed she had a fractured pelvis for which there is no treatment but time and pain management so they called me to take her home. At first she could walk with her walker a bit but it was painful and after two agonizing trips to the bathroom she refused to move from her lift chair so I had to resort to changing her as best I could and as often as I could dealing with my own responsibilities which was not an ideal situation. Of course I immediately started inquiring about in-home care but it was the weekend and those sorts of things take time to arrange and require a patient eval before the appropriate care can be set up.

Together we struggled through the weekend but come Monday she returned to the ER this time sent by her PT person who had stopped by to see her when I wasn’t there (she is also a nurse and used to work in in-home care). The ER visit revealed she now had developed a pressure sore from sitting but again the ER returned her home saying she did not meet Medicare guidelines for a hospital admit.

At this point both my mother and I are losing our minds. She’s not eating and the Oxy is making her weird and combative. On a positive note my mother and I had met with the in-home care people (Home Instead) and they were kind and understanding. We set up a care plan to begin on Thursday and I felt there was some light at the end of the tunnel. For those wondering in-home care charges $38/hr. min or 3hr shifts up to 24hr care.

On Wednesday morning when I arrived to care for her, she was incoherent, highly agitated and ashen. I called 911 for a transport the ER (3rd trip in 5 days) where the doctor said “look she’s 92yo, does she have a DNR?” and then just stared at me with the same look I get from my vet when she’s trying to convince me it’s time to put a horse down. I’m no shrinking violet when it comes to the realities of life & death but it was a bit too frank and dismissive. To his credit he listened to me about getting her off the Oxy and onto something else and he called in a social worker to help arrange care BUT he let me know in no uncertain terms that she did not meet Medicare guidelines for a hospital admit. (Note: the minute she got into the ER she was much much better I think in part because she felt safer there than at home)

I went round and round with the social worker about what help was available out there and basically it came down to private pay at a rehab or nursing home because at this point she was beyond assisted care. Private pay for such a facility is 14K/mo and they want it upfront which sounds like a horrible amount (well, it is I guess) but when you break it down to 24/7 care for 30 days it’s only $22/hr. Still it’s a lot and I will admit I was in a bit of a tailspin. I managed to get my mind around this only to have the social worker tell me there were no beds available in any of the care facilities in town and I might need to look in other cities. Add to this the looming threat by the ER that she would be sent back home again and things started to get very dark for me.

During this whole time I’d had been trying to reach her primary care doctor multiple times as had her PT and the ER. I needed him to order a hospital bed for her apartment so it could get billed to Medicare. I never received a call back. All I managed to get from him was a script for Oxy that he called in to the pharmacy. These meds ended up being stolen by someone on the staff at her retirement home before I could pick them up.

So there my Mom is lying in the ER and me telling the ER over and over “It’s an unsafe discharge. You cannot send her home” per the advice of my mother’s PT. Finally they agree to hold her in the ER overnight because it was getting late and I go home to try and sleep.

The next morning I show up at the ER to take her home and I’m informed they admitted her! I almost danced a jig! I’m not sure what changed to allow for the admit under Medicare but praise the powers the be it was glorious news! Now all I needed was for her to get in three midnights at the hospital and Medicare would pay for 20 days at a rehab facility. Every time I visited her in the hospital I held my breath that they wouldn’t tell me she was going to be discharged until finally they told me she was going to meet her three midnights and they would hold her until a bed opened up at a rehab. She ended up spending a week in the hospital and made strides with her PT while she was there.

Yesterday she was moved to a rehab and that took a lot out of her. I haven’t been to see her yet this morning (need some time for myself and to get things done around the farm) but hopefully she’ll have adjusted a bit, she’s pretty strong for 92. Her family is really long lived with a average age of 103 so it’s not out of the realm of possibilities that she can come back from this enough to be able to get by with assistance. She def. will be moving into the assisted side of her retirement community after this which means I need to pack up her apartment and store what won’t move with her and set up her new room which will be considerably smaller than her spacious apt. (Asst costs soooo much more than independent and costs must be cut unfortunately).

I’ll tell you what – getting old is not for the faint of heart. Makes me really think about how much time I have left and the fact that there will be no one there to care or advocate for me since I’ve no spouse or children. Probably need to make an escape plan absent a massive heart attack or some accident taking me out. Hopefully it won't be dementia so I will be fit enough to make that decision.

Godspeed to any and all of you caring for aging parents.

[riser4]

My wife and I no longer have living parents. So our thoughts are turning to what our adult children will have to go through. We are in our 50's, so we are young. However, old age is just around the corner. And the health issues just seem to sneak up on you and multiply at this age. Our current homework right now is the advanced directive. Which we will have to remember to change in ten our 20 years. Of course I want CPR at this age! And making sure all of our accounts have the proper beneficiary information.

[gravitylover]

Sorry KQ We've been dealing with this for 5 years now and the costs at the facility my FIL is at are up to $12k/mo. It fkn hurts all around.

[KQ]

My wife and I no longer have living parents. So our thoughts are turning to what our adult children will have to go through. We are in our 50's, so we are young. However, old age is just around the corner. And the health issues just seem to sneak up on you and multiply at this age. Our current homework right now is the advanced directive. Which we will have to remember to change in ten our 20 years. Of course I want CPR at this age! And making sure all of our accounts have the proper beneficiary information.

My Aunt & Uncle had a great plan. They moved in to a community that had independent, assisted and nursing (a beautiful place on Mercer Island in WA on Lake Washington called Covenant Shores). They downsized their house to an apartment then eventally moved into assisted and the nursing. I don't think their kids realized what a kindness this was for them. Kids never had to make decisions or clean out a big house full of a lifetime of memories. Def. the way to go if you can swing it. I've already started to think that in 15 years time I'll probably move off the farm into town where I can walk to stores and what not. Where it not for the winters here and the isolation on the farm I wouldn't but I tend to like to play it safe.

[KQ]

Sorry KQ We've been dealing with this for 5 years now and the costs at the facility my FIL is at are up to $12k/mo. It fkn hurts all around.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

So many emotions. So much guilt for thoughts of hoping for a end to it all. Hang in there. I keep thinking there has to be a better way but for the life of me I can't figure it out.