Best Gaper qoute of the weekend?

[jonesy]

[tBatt]

I've had this before, just never with the face in the water. It took them getting stuck harcore to realize that they weren't on a track.



This is absurd.

I get the "how deep is the river" question 35 times a day.
Solid group today though. We've had a lot of Indians this year. Generally, they don't paddle and they don't tip. These ones paddled pretty well, gave me a $40 tip, and offered to take me out to dinner.

It's amazing how many people go rafting who don't know how to swim.

Guide -"Alright, swim back over to the boat guys"
[Looks at you wide-eyed]
Indian #1 "we don't know how to swim..."
Indian #2 "Just do it doggy style!"

Good lulz for the day.

They just tagged me in a picture on Facebook.


Solid Crew

[PulverSchwein]

those are some stoked looking Indians. Well, except for that one guy in the front left

[TurxSki]

They just tagged me in a picture on Facebook

those are some stoked looking Indians. Well, except for that one guy in the front left

"Wally Wakhbar! Death to the Infidels! ullaullaulla....!"

[snapt]

^^^Grouponers? Always see huge groups of them on the river or in the rock gym on a groupon. Always super nice folks though stoked to be trying something new.

[The SnowShow]

"if we hit the same chair 5 times in a row we get a badge on epicmix!"

And "i never fall so I'm not going to get a helmet"

[waxman]

"Wally Wakhbar! Death to the Infidels! ullaullaulla....!"

uhhh, they're Indians where the vast majority of the population is Hindu...and unless the boys in the boat are the girl's brothers or family members I'm gonna guess the paddlers are not Muslims...
but way to stay classy...

[TurxSki]

uhhh, they're Indians where the vast majority of the population is Hindu...and unless the boys in the boat are the girl's brothers or family members I'm gonna guess the paddlers are not Muslims...
but way to stay classy...

Yeah I know that...I'm a bit of a Neo-Pantheist myself...How do you *know* that they are Indian, and not Pakistani, or Sri Lankan? Or religious, even...
I realize this is the Hella Serious thread...I don't know what I was thinking...

[goldenshowers]

I'm from Calgary.

[time2clmb]

I'm from Calgary.

LMAO...QFT

[jonesy]

Any idea how icy it will be tomorrow? I'm coming up regardless. Is it always icy after a day of no snow?

[donkeykong]

This is getting way off topic, but it's still a funny read:

http://www.bloggingwv.com/corn-fed-v...good-on-paper/

wow, fantastic. thx

[donkeykong]

My girlfriend's family is from KS. They decided to go to CB for spring break, sure, why not. Good times overall, but I knew I'd have to endure a week long of gaperdom; lots of stories come to mind. Here's the blog:

Conversation with GF's sister, she knows I'm into it and trying to prove herself to me:
Her: OMG, I love skiing. Vail is the best, I used to go there all the time.
Me: Yea, Vail is fun, but I usually avoid it - too expensive, crowded, and flat.
Her: Flat? What, you didn't make it to the back bowls?

We arrive in the afternoon, the gang decides to head up to the mountain to rent gear in order to "save time" in the morning. Wow, good thinkin, I'm impressed.

They return without gear, I ask what happened. "Oh, we are all set but we left the boots there so they don't get cold. And the skis so we don't have to carry them."

Next morning, some new snow. I'm up early, get my breakfast, do my thing. Ready to go by 8. Everyone else asks why I'm ready so early. I explain that lift tickets are expensive and I'd like to get my money's worth. Plus fresh snow. Doesn't register, all taking their sweet time, the ladies are doing their hair, putting on makeup (seriously). I ask why, get no response. I have to convince every one of them to wear less layers since it's March and sunny and a t-shirt plus shell will be more than enough. They are still overdressed with fleece midlayers and the stinkeye of distrust. We leave no earlier than 10:30am.

Show up back at the ski shop at 11 to put on the gear they already rented. Somehow they still don't know what size boots are needed and trying various sizes on. I feel the pain of the shop guys. The ladies are walking around the shop barefoot shopping for deals.

I ask, "Do you guys want to ski?"
Yeah!!
Don't you need to put your boots on?
Oh...

I strongly suggest helmets. $15 to rent? No way!

Now it's 11:45, all geared up. Great, finally. Let's go skiing. Nope, nobody has lift tickets yet. OK, wait in line for 15 minutes. "How do you attach this to your jacket?" Noon, finally in line..for the beginner lift, which has the biggest line too. 12:30, finally at the "top". Awesome, only 2 runs to go until lunch.

Meanwhile, on the lift, sister notices I'm wearing a helmet.
Her: I never wear a helmet. Never needed one.
Me: Well, it's a good idea when you ski fast. Plus you never know when some idiot is gonna plow you down from behind.
Her: Yeah, whenever I fall, it's always to the side. I never fall on my head.
Me: All it takes is one time though, you don't want to learn the hard way.

VERY NEXT RUN, she collides with her sister who is a beginner and can't avoid her. Hits her head on the hardpack, ends her day. Next lift ride up, doesn't say a word to me. The next day, only she gets a helmet, the rest of the gang is unconvinced still. The shop is out of her size for rentals, I encourage her to buy since it will pay for itself over the rest of the week. Stingy husband overrules. So instead she rents an ill-fitting helmet.

And proceeds to show me how "good" she is at skiing by constantly skiing in right next to me and cutting me off. Like right in front of me, I need to speed check, as if she wants to prove how good she is by throwing me off. WTF, want another collision? Later she comments that I ski fast and smooth and asks how to improve. I explain that she needs to learn how to carve, instead of short skids. I try to teach her over the next couple runs, and point out the difference on the lift. After a while she proclaims that carving is dumb and she'd rather do it her way, and asks me again how to ski faster. Ok, didn't you just ask me to teach you? Hmm....

Wow, I guess this turned into a gaper rant, but it feels good to get it on paper. Note to self: Kansans are just as bad as Texans, just without the accent.

[guroo270]

Holy fuck. Couldn't believe my ears yesterday. On lift with old man and younger guy.
D guy - how was I 70ast night?
Me- it looked like it was aweful for anyone without winter tires. I saw 5 overturned cars on the way here.
Young guy chimes in- well I guess I'll have to stay a couple days then. I'm on a motorcycle.
Me - are you serious? Where are you from?
Yg- Miami. I just took my brothers bike while he was gone. My snowboard straps right to the back. I'm lucky my brother has a sportbike though. My military buddies tha are with me are on Harley's. You should see them trying to get up some stuff.
Me - so where do you plan on going?
Yg- I'm hitting up every ski slope I can on my way to Washington. Tahoe's next. I'm a school teacher with no school to teach at so I'm making the most of it.
Me - I have to tell you, that is the most absurd trip I've ever heard of. Stay safe, man.

Part of me wanted to tell him to go home, and that he was lucky to be alive still, part of me wanted him to get what was coming to him so he could not influence future generations. I really hope he just gets spooked real bad and turns around.

[skinipenem]

Not exactly a gaper quote but....

Wife and I are driving my steezy old non-matching capped 1997 Ford home from a bluebird (minimal snow at best) chilling cruiser hangout saturday at Alta when... With cars not even an 1/8 mile ahead of us some douche driving an audi sedan with the license plate "altabrd" illegally passes us over the double yellow line in a blind corner. I end up immediately behind him at the next next light just as he turned left. All I wanted to say was, "dude, I wish my ford had your audi's pickup so I could get home sooooo much faster." I told my wife if he was a teenager I wouldn't have given a shit. Maybe I'm just getting old or am more concerned with drinking beer in the lot after skiing than getting home two seconds earlier.

[luffski]

This last Saturday at Alta, saving the life of whatever GAPER was at the top of Rock Face, with one pole. Side slipping up to an area that was a straight drop and almost about to commit. Good thing he listened, not that I could have skied it either, but damn! Please don't ski the gnar with no helmet, no goggles and one pole.... I'm sure it won't work well, unless you are ROG.

[Shadam]

yo Donkykong,

you seemed to spend alota time with your girlfriendz sister ...

der poopenhousen ???

[jonesy]

A Gaper none the less. It's not what you drive it's how you drive............beer is more important than driving.

Not exactly a gaper quote but....

Wife and I are driving my steezy old non-matching capped 1997 Ford home from a bluebird (minimal snow at best) chilling cruiser hangout saturday at Alta when... With cars not even an 1/8 mile ahead of us some douche driving an audi sedan with the license plate "altabrd" illegally passes us over the double yellow line in a blind corner. I end up immediately behind him at the next next light just as he turned left. All I wanted to say was, "dude, I wish my ford had your audi's pickup so I could get home sooooo much faster." I told my wife if he was a teenager I wouldn't have given a shit. Maybe I'm just getting old or am more concerned with drinking beer in the lot after skiing than getting home two seconds earlier.

[nateski]

i was the gaper at brighton last weekend. we had recieved some pretty nice pow, but there was limited terrain open and it was crowded, so most everything got tracked out pretty quick. which, of course, is when the beer comes out in full force
by the end of the day, i was drinking one beer and getting safe on every lift ride. just getting plowed
well, last-ish run, i go up the main lift (not from there, dont know names) and take the traverse to the left at the top. bombed off with a bunch of snowboarders so they mustve all seen me. i see a patch of what looks like good untouched snow between some tight trees
my drunk ass drops in, IMMEDIATELY hits a huge rock, single eject, then im sliding downhill, head first, on my back, toward these trees below me. dont know how i didnt slam into them
my other ski is 200 feet downslope. so i have to get down to it on one ski. i can hardly stand upright im so drunk. falling all over the place
finally get clicked in, make it to the base, try to throw a hard hockey stop, skid out on an icy section, bounce on my side once or twice, and come to a sto

[nateski]

p in a painful, embarrassed drunken pile. sit there for a minute with all sorts of people looking on, like who the fuck is this gaper
finally get up, shake it off, and make my way to the molly green for more punishment

[leroy jenkins]

My girlfriend's family is from KS. They decided to go to CB for spring break, sure, why not. Good times overall, but I knew I'd have to endure a week long of gaperdom; lots of stories come to mind. Here's the blog:

Conversation with GF's sister, she knows I'm into it and trying to prove herself to me:
Her: OMG, I love skiing. Vail is the best, I used to go there all the time.
Me: Yea, Vail is fun, but I usually avoid it - too expensive, crowded, and flat.
Her: Flat? What, you didn't make it to the back bowls?

We arrive in the afternoon, the gang decides to head up to the mountain to rent gear in order to "save time" in the morning. Wow, good thinkin, I'm impressed.

They return without gear, I ask what happened. "Oh, we are all set but we left the boots there so they don't get cold. And the skis so we don't have to carry them."

Next morning, some new snow. I'm up early, get my breakfast, do my thing. Ready to go by 8. Everyone else asks why I'm ready so early. I explain that lift tickets are expensive and I'd like to get my money's worth. Plus fresh snow. Doesn't register, all taking their sweet time, the ladies are doing their hair, putting on makeup (seriously). I ask why, get no response. I have to convince every one of them to wear less layers since it's March and sunny and a t-shirt plus shell will be more than enough. They are still overdressed with fleece midlayers and the stinkeye of distrust. We leave no earlier than 10:30am.

Show up back at the ski shop at 11 to put on the gear they already rented. Somehow they still don't know what size boots are needed and trying various sizes on. I feel the pain of the shop guys. The ladies are walking around the shop barefoot shopping for deals.

I ask, "Do you guys want to ski?"
Yeah!!
Don't you need to put your boots on?
Oh...

I strongly suggest helmets. $15 to rent? No way!

Now it's 11:45, all geared up. Great, finally. Let's go skiing. Nope, nobody has lift tickets yet. OK, wait in line for 15 minutes. "How do you attach this to your jacket?" Noon, finally in line..for the beginner lift, which has the biggest line too. 12:30, finally at the "top". Awesome, only 2 runs to go until lunch.

Meanwhile, on the lift, sister notices I'm wearing a helmet.
Her: I never wear a helmet. Never needed one.
Me: Well, it's a good idea when you ski fast. Plus you never know when some idiot is gonna plow you down from behind.
Her: Yeah, whenever I fall, it's always to the side. I never fall on my head.
Me: All it takes is one time though, you don't want to learn the hard way.

VERY NEXT RUN, she collides with her sister who is a beginner and can't avoid her. Hits her head on the hardpack, ends her day. Next lift ride up, doesn't say a word to me. The next day, only she gets a helmet, the rest of the gang is unconvinced still. The shop is out of her size for rentals, I encourage her to buy since it will pay for itself over the rest of the week. Stingy husband overrules. So instead she rents an ill-fitting helmet.

And proceeds to show me how "good" she is at skiing by constantly skiing in right next to me and cutting me off. Like right in front of me, I need to speed check, as if she wants to prove how good she is by throwing me off. WTF, want another collision? Later she comments that I ski fast and smooth and asks how to improve. I explain that she needs to learn how to carve, instead of short skids. I try to teach her over the next couple runs, and point out the difference on the lift. After a while she proclaims that carving is dumb and she'd rather do it her way, and asks me again how to ski faster. Ok, didn't you just ask me to teach you? Hmm....

Wow, I guess this turned into a gaper rant, but it feels good to get it on paper. Note to self: Kansans are just as bad as Texans, just without the accent.

That shit is classic, and so true.

Similar story, while going to school in bozeman, I made freinds with another student. he was a decent boarder and lived in bozeman but had a pass to big sky so was a good person to carpool with since most msu students went to bridger.

Bluebird day after a sick storm cycle with very little wind which is a rarity in those parts, we had agreed it was going to be epic and we wanted to be there for the opening of the lifts. The term "bell to bell" was used. As we are approaching big sky, boarder dude gets a call on his cell and informs me his freind, xxxxxx, needs a ride. So we go to stop by dudes house, my freind gets out of the car and starts going in, I'm like, what are you doing, isnt he coming out, oh yea im just gunna go check on him, you should come in though. Ok, I go in, theres 5 people just sitting around the living room passing a bong around. None of themlook even remotely prepared for any kind of snow sport. I never bothered learning any of these kids names since they were basically all the same person anyways, so I assume whoever needed the ride MUST be downstairs getting ready. After over an hour of sitting around taking bong rips, fending off their poorly trained dog from "playfully" biting me any time I move, and making fairly unsubtle remarks about how I can't wait to be skiing, one of the kids finally stands up and says, I guess I should start getting ready huh. "Oh. So, you still need a ride?" "No bro I'll drive myself thanks though broseph". These weren't even tourists either, just bro'd out stoner locals that are too out of shape to ride for longer than a few hours at a time.

Not exactly a gaper quote but....

Wife and I are driving my steezy old non-matching capped 1997 Ford home from a bluebird (minimal snow at best) chilling cruiser hangout saturday at Alta when... With cars not even an 1/8 mile ahead of us some douche driving an audi sedan with the license plate "altabrd" illegally passes us over the double yellow line in a blind corner. I end up immediately behind him at the next next light just as he turned left. All I wanted to say was, "dude, I wish my ford had your audi's pickup so I could get home sooooo much faster." I told my wife if he was a teenager I wouldn't have given a shit. Maybe I'm just getting old or am more concerned with drinking beer in the lot after skiing than getting home two seconds earlier.

I dont pass on double yellows or blind corners, but I can empathize with that guy's lack of patience. I really do not understand why no matter how perfect the road conditions and visibility are the standard speed that the majority of drivers on that road drive is between 5-15 mph below the speed limit, and no one EVER has the common courtesy to pull off to the side and let faster traffic go by. Even gaper tourists with texas plates driving the mnt passes in CO just to sightsee understand to pull off to the side every once in a while to let people who want to drive the speed limit go by. Down in the valley, people drive 5-10mph over the limit everywhere, but no, somewhere it is written in stone that LCC must always move at a snails pace. Passing one car might not get you home any quicker but if everyone drove the freaking speed limit my daily drive would be about 40% quicker I have to think. Utah drivers don't seem to understand the whole 'use the brakes when going straight not while turning' thing though, so instead of learning how to drive they just go really freaking slowly because thats 'safer'. It is also annoying as fuck to have to drive behind people that not only drive slowly but slow down through every turn, even uphill, instead of accelerating through them which is safer, a smoother ride, and less retarded.

[DasBlunt]

Nope Leroy, that type of driving happens in Colorado now too, fucking retards.

[StuckInOhio91]

Not really a quote either, but this is a classic.

So I taught ski lessons in high school at the local hill, and often did private lessons. One family brought their four year old daughter in and paid for a beginner lesson. They basically dropped her off and left her alone at the ski school office. I come to the office after being called in, and the 4 year old is standing there in street clothes, no gear besides a helmet, and her parents had not even paid for her rental, and no word from the parents.

Long story short, the parents come back an hour later and ask how her lesson went, the office explains they had to buy a rental for the child as well, and since they didn't (and would not answer the phone) we could not give a lesson. The mother responds, "How rude, in Vail we would just drop her off and they would take care of the rest and bill us later, but this service is by and far the worst I have ever experienced." They take their daughter and leave looking disgusted. Next time I'll be sure to hook them up with the premier luxury lesson package, where I actually take the lesson for them.

We also had some parents have their kids take ski lessons just to get pictures for Christmas cards, not really to learn how to ski. Thank god my parents had some sense and shoved me down the steepest slope to knock some sense into me...

[PowerWhore7]

My girlfriend's family is from KS. They decided to go to CB for spring break, sure, why not. Good times overall, but I knew I'd have to endure a week long of gaperdom; lots of stories come to mind. Here's the blog:

Conversation with GF's sister, she knows I'm into it and trying to prove herself to me:
Her: OMG, I love skiing. Vail is the best, I used to go there all the time.
Me: Yea, Vail is fun, but I usually avoid it - too expensive, crowded, and flat.
Her: Flat? What, you didn't make it to the back bowls?

We arrive in the afternoon, the gang decides to head up to the mountain to rent gear in order to "save time" in the morning. Wow, good thinkin, I'm impressed.

They return without gear, I ask what happened. "Oh, we are all set but we left the boots there so they don't get cold. And the skis so we don't have to carry them."

Next morning, some new snow. I'm up early, get my breakfast, do my thing. Ready to go by 8. Everyone else asks why I'm ready so early. I explain that lift tickets are expensive and I'd like to get my money's worth. Plus fresh snow. Doesn't register, all taking their sweet time, the ladies are doing their hair, putting on makeup (seriously). I ask why, get no response. I have to convince every one of them to wear less layers since it's March and sunny and a t-shirt plus shell will be more than enough. They are still overdressed with fleece midlayers and the stinkeye of distrust. We leave no earlier than 10:30am.

Show up back at the ski shop at 11 to put on the gear they already rented. Somehow they still don't know what size boots are needed and trying various sizes on. I feel the pain of the shop guys. The ladies are walking around the shop barefoot shopping for deals.

I ask, "Do you guys want to ski?"
Yeah!!
Don't you need to put your boots on?
Oh...

I strongly suggest helmets. $15 to rent? No way!

Now it's 11:45, all geared up. Great, finally. Let's go skiing. Nope, nobody has lift tickets yet. OK, wait in line for 15 minutes. "How do you attach this to your jacket?" Noon, finally in line..for the beginner lift, which has the biggest line too. 12:30, finally at the "top". Awesome, only 2 runs to go until lunch.

Meanwhile, on the lift, sister notices I'm wearing a helmet.
Her: I never wear a helmet. Never needed one.
Me: Well, it's a good idea when you ski fast. Plus you never know when some idiot is gonna plow you down from behind.
Her: Yeah, whenever I fall, it's always to the side. I never fall on my head.
Me: All it takes is one time though, you don't want to learn the hard way.

VERY NEXT RUN, she collides with her sister who is a beginner and can't avoid her. Hits her head on the hardpack, ends her day. Next lift ride up, doesn't say a word to me. The next day, only she gets a helmet, the rest of the gang is unconvinced still. The shop is out of her size for rentals, I encourage her to buy since it will pay for itself over the rest of the week. Stingy husband overrules. So instead she rents an ill-fitting helmet.

And proceeds to show me how "good" she is at skiing by constantly skiing in right next to me and cutting me off. Like right in front of me, I need to speed check, as if she wants to prove how good she is by throwing me off. WTF, want another collision? Later she comments that I ski fast and smooth and asks how to improve. I explain that she needs to learn how to carve, instead of short skids. I try to teach her over the next couple runs, and point out the difference on the lift. After a while she proclaims that carving is dumb and she'd rather do it her way, and asks me again how to ski faster. Ok, didn't you just ask me to teach you? Hmm....

Wow, I guess this turned into a gaper rant, but it feels good to get it on paper. Note to self: Kansans are just as bad as Texans, just without the accent.

Holy shit, my blood was boiling throughout that entire story. I had a similar experience in Summit County but instead it was a fat friend from NJ who was convinced taking Zanex on the mountain would relax his cramping legs, being 5’ 10” 260lbs I don’t think even morphine would of taken care of him. Every fucking morning it was same thing, me ready and waiting outside by the car getting safe and him inside eating like a god damn pig and planning out which runs were closest to the best restaurants and bars while figuring out where to stuff all sorts of brownies and cookies into his jacket and backpack.

Then, he would spend more time gaping on the ground and eating, followed by pissing and shitting all day due to the eating & drinking and really not much sliding on snow at all, fuck it feels good to get this out! After EACH and EVERY run he would take off his board at the bottom of lift to stretch out his “cramps" and then contemplate if it was time to take the other half of the Zanex he took when he woke up. So finally I just ditched him and made my wife ski with him and after one run she radioed me and was like “what the fuck is wrong with your fat friend, he has been sitting in the same place for 10 minutes!”. To which I reply, "HA-ha, dangle a brownie off your ass and he might follow you” and that was pretty much the last time I went anywhere with that gaper.

Disclaimer:While I agree Texans and Kansans are special people, NewJeresyans take the cake and do it with an accent as well.
AH-YO - YEAH BUDDY

[DasBlunt]

A few of my overheard favorites:

"At what altitude do the caribou turn into moose?"

and asked at The Club in Valdez (the window behind the bar is about 50' from the harbor)......."What is the elevation here?"

Just so we remember some classics from years ago.