Older parents-WWYD?

[KQ]

There was a guy at the VA hospital who jumped out of bed, stood at attention and saluted every morning when we came around on rounds. I hope he knew WWII was over.

My friend's Dad thought he was getting ready to ship out and that the memory care facility was barracks

[DBdude]

There was a guy at the VA hospital who jumped out of bed, stood at attention and saluted every morning when we came around on rounds. I hope he knew WWII was over.

There is a funny saying in German about army discipline - it is like the dead jump to attention or something… kadaver blah blah blah

Sorry my German is atrocious


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[Cisco Kid]

A medical procedure will make them loopy sometimes. Once, dad asked me to bring his rifle the next time I visited him. Can't walk and in a bed at a nursing home. "Why do you need a rifle dad?" "Son, every night there's kids out in the parking lot stealing carburetors. I need to shoot them". Wasn't until he died and I studied his war I put it together. He was a truck driver at the front in the war and they had to guard the vehicles from pillage 24/7. Night noises in the home must have fired off old synapses.

[XXX-er]

nothing like a divorce for a good decluttering

[gravitylover]

So now that I got the copy of my dad's will a bunch of shit makes sense and I'm more pissed at him than I was before. The way I was written out is fucked, he even called out my wife to exclude her and fucked my kids out of anything too. The last 8 years since Mom died have been fake and it's like him and my brother were keeping this little secret from me. Fuck both of them. Why did I put so much of myself into shit, why was he such a wussy that he couldn't even communicate shit like this with me. WTF

[Buster Highmen]

Condolences gl. I get the suckage at the realization of late parental disinformation.

And tough as it is, try to let it go, it's sweetly in the past and we have our lives with which to go forward.

[gravitylover]

It's not even disinformation it was straight up fucked. I feel like I was hoodwinked, like it was all a sham. There was never any intention of having that dad<>son thing, that went out the window when I was about 20 or so and then mom fucked everything up when I met my wife 10 year later. She just disliked her from the get-go and made things difficult, then she made things suck and we hardly spoke for the last few years of her life. I knew things were going to be difficult after seeing her will but I always thought that my dad and myself, and to a lesser extent my brother and I, would go back to being like a family and that sort of happened. Dad would invite us to things, I'd go see him and we'd hang out and talk, we took him out to dinner a few times... It was almost normal but there was always a tension in the air, like something was supposed to be discussed but it wasn't going to happen at that time.

When it really came down to it over the last year of his life he became even more disingenuous and distant, like he was happy that I hadn't bailed out on him and was still going out of my way to see him every week but he still wasn't going to fully open up, and me not wanting to bring the hurt let it slide because it seemed like he didn't want to talk about it because things were ok. Then when he really started to slide he let it slip that things were going to get difficult again when he told me that he'd fully explained his final wishes to my brother so I asked if he could let me in on some of that and he said "No, you'll find out depending on what your brother decides to tell you". He hasn't spoken to me since the funeral.

Now I need to decide if I feel like contesting the will and spending a bunch of money I don't have on a lawyer to handle that. Even if I still end up with nothing it would feel good to fuck with him, make it expensive for him and make him wait for the money so his unemployed ass has to pay for upkeep and taxes on my dad's house out of his own pocket while he sits on it and can't sell it. Little fucker has even held back the car I was gifted before dad died, who knows it might end up with a couple of flats a few times so it becomes a hassle for him and his fatass cradle-robbed wife.

[Buster Highmen]

IMHO, a bitter retribution mostly consumes its progenitor.

Condolences in any case and may you find peace and resolution.

[gravitylover]

Yeah I know you're right. It sux.

[Harry]

IMHO, a bitter retribution mostly consumes its progenitor.

Condolences in any case and may you find peace and resolution.

^^ this.

Shitty deal gravitylover, but forget about it and move on with your life.


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[gravitylover]

*sigh*

I just can't believe how he managed to say "Fuck You" from the other side. Too bad he couldn't man up and get it done from this side.

[riser4]

I think we all want to know what your wife did that was so terrible. Not that it's any of our business. But we love a juicy story.

[gravitylover]

I wish I knew. We didn't find out until after she was gone but a few days before the wedding my mom tried to get my best friend to talk me out of it.

[Bronco]

My 80 year old dad and 81 year old step mom have decided to divorce after 20 years of marriage. He's planning to move into senior housing and has some health challenges that will require some expensive care in the next 5 years. She's trying to take 100% of their $1mm condominium value (acquired 2 years ago and the 4th home they've owned together). She had a multi-million dollar inheritance from her older brother 5 years ago and doesn't need to be greedy but she's a relatively mean spirited person. She's also pushing him to move out quickly. I think there's a certain amount of shame and humiliation that he's wallowing in and is embarrassed by the situation. As a result, he's refusing to consult an attorney and just wants to get the divorce over with. Trying to get him fired up to fight seems to make him more embarrassed. Reminding him how hard he worked to get financially secure seems to get a little traction but then he won't follow through with seeing an attorney. I've gone so far as to find an attorney and fill out the client intake form for him but he balks at the retainer and scheduling an appointment. He has the $ so that's not the issue. Any suggestions?

[gravitylover]

Pay the fee and get it done for him. I bet he'll 'get it' once the process starts and want to follow through.

[Meadow Skipper]

Have him declared incompetent and take over?

I’m only half kidding, but google it.

[KQ]

My 80 year old dad and 81 year old step mom have decided to divorce after 20 years of marriage. He's planning to move into senior housing and has some health challenges that will require some expensive care in the next 5 years. She's trying to take 100% of their $1mm condominium value (acquired 2 years ago and the 4th home they've owned together). She had a multi-million dollar inheritance from her older brother 5 years ago and doesn't need to be greedy but she's a relatively mean spirited person. She's also pushing him to move out quickly. I think there's a certain amount of shame and humiliation that he's wallowing in and is embarrassed by the situation. As a result, he's refusing to consult an attorney and just wants to get the divorce over with. Trying to get him fired up to fight seems to make him more embarrassed. Reminding him how hard he worked to get financially secure seems to get a little traction but then he won't follow through with seeing an attorney. I've gone so far as to find an attorney and fill out the client intake form for him but he balks at the retainer and scheduling an appointment. He has the $ so that's not the issue. Any suggestions?

Show him what it costs to live in a SNF that should make him fight.

[KQ]

*sigh*

I just can't believe how he managed to say "Fuck You" from the other side. Too bad he couldn't man up and get it done from this side.

Really sorry you're going through all this.

[riser4]

I wish I knew. We didn't find out until after she was gone but a few days before the wedding my mom tried to get my best friend to talk me out of it.

While I get the urge to make it difficult for your brother, don't. But, you still don't have to lift a finger beyond what the law says. I think karma will intervene based on your description. Just go live well. Let it consume your brother, not you.

[m2711c]

wouldn't hurt to consult an attorney to see if you even have a valid reason to contest the will. if the attorney thinks you have a case, then let him pursue it. seems like your relationship with your brother is already shot, so what have you got to lose?

https://www.nycbar.org/get-legal-hel...llenging-will/

https://alberlaw.com/blog/success-ra...esting-a-will/

[gravitylover]

^^ It seems that nothing good would come from contesting it so... Onward>>>

In fits and starts Is it weird that every time today that I want to miss my dad the words he used in his will enter the picture and I don't miss him. Fuck, this is gonna take a while. grr

Don't leave anything unsaid no matter if it hurts or not even if you think it's the right thing to do at the time. Get it done.

[PB]

It does sound like things kind of lead back to your Mom and her hatred of your wife. Not unheard of - mother-daughter in-law relationships often start off bad and get worse. Had to threaten any Mom with choosing my wife over her to get her to back off. Perhaps Mom poisoned the well? In which case, probably far too late to do anything about it.

[riser4]

^^ It seems that nothing good would come from contesting it so... Onward>>>

In fits and starts Is it weird that every time today that I want to miss my dad the words he used in his will enter the picture and I don't miss him. Fuck, this is gonna take a while. grr

Don't leave anything unsaid no matter if it hurts or not even if you think it's the right thing to do at the time. Get it done.

I'll wager a beer that over time you'll slowly get more of the picture from your brother. I've never met the guy and he sounds sanctimonious and smug in a way that he won't be able to help himself. The less you pry, the more he won't be able to stand it. And of course, not knowing shit about your family, I could be way off base. Find your own peace.

[gravitylover]

Both of you are right. Thanks for listening folks

[frorider]

I found this worth a read: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeands...edundant-carer

Next morning, the care worker made an astute but painful observation: I was the problem. This level of confusion would happen only when or after I came home, as if my spending the night in the house I had grown up in opened up too many pathways into the past, at the expense of Mum’s frail connection to the here and now. I started staying elsewhere, visiting for just a couple of hours when I was in town. Mum improved accordingly.

The comments are worth a read too of course; every article on elder care seems to trigger an avalanche of personal responses.