Where would your kids go?

[Bobby Stainless]

A lot of trusts dole money out monthly, to guard against the person blowing through it.

[Timberridge]

A properly set up trust doesn't give kids carte blanche to blow the money. Ours is set up to do that when they turn 25. Then they can buy the Porsche. I'll be dead, it's their own fucken problem if they aren't reasonable adults by 25.

Understood, ours is the same. I was responding to Tippster because there's a difference between a trust and leaving things to the kids in a will.

[iceman]

We picked the people we thought would do the best job, but I'm not positive we ever told them about it. That would've been some surprise for them, eh?

[stfu&gbtw]

We picked the people we thought would do the best job, but I'm not positive we ever told them about it. That would've been some surprise for them, eh?

lol... Just make sure they can unlock your car...

[Tippster]

That's fine as long as when your kid turns 18, he has the sense to use the money to go to college rather than buy a Porsche and start an independent ski company.

On second thought, you only live once. Let him get the Porsche. Just never let him start a ski company.

There's actually a schedule outlined for disbursal over time. It happens faster if they get a degree.

[PNWbrit]

Carry a gun. duh.

Huh?

an anniversary trip that would have us flying x-country while our daughter stayed home.

[XXX-er]

To the bank

[groundcontrol323]

I'm more interested in the vacation that raises this question. Are you going to Chicago or something?

[stfu&gbtw]

My wife is going to Afghanistan and I'm going to go snort blow off a hooker's tits in Mexico for a week.

[neufox47]

If your kid is old enough. Ask them who they would want to live with.

[Cono Este]

Have two trustee's with one being a corporate trustee like a big brokerage. The bank can be held liable if the money is squandered or if even poorly invested. Their uncle cannot if he goes on a bender.

I helped two kids who lost both parents in a car wreck before they were 5. The family fought over the kids but the bank would only pay for school and books etc.

Kids will both have about 3-4mm when they turn 30. It cost and extra 3/8ths % to pay the corporate trustee.

[Supermoon]

No kids, but we agreed to take my SIL's kids if something happened to them. My wife's side has a lot of other people with kids, but we're the only ones who aren't crazy Mormons, or crazy in general. We'd probably end up moving back to Utah in that scenario so we wouldn't have to take the kids out of their school.

The process on our end was easy. They called to run it by us, then we sent some of our info to their lawyer to put into whatever documents they needed.

[stfu&gbtw]

If your kid is old enough. Ask them who they would want to live with.

What's your take on how old that is? I don't think my kid's ready for that. Or maybe I just hope she isn't. I don't want her to be saddled with sorting through that at this point... But what'd you have in mind?

[riser4]

What's your take on how old that is? I don't think my kid's ready for that. Or maybe I just hope she isn't. I don't want her to be saddled with sorting through that at this point... But what'd you have in mind?

Same answer I give my daughter when she asks how old she has to be before I will let her do various things that the kids these days are doing. 30. YMMV.

[stfu&gbtw]

Light conversation with the youngins on favorite aunties?

Oddly enough, my wife stunned me when we discussed it last night by saying she really thought our daughter should move to Germany to live with her family should something happen to us... I was completely incredulous... Her "argument" was that well, everything's in such turmoil when your parents die, what's a little more turmoil? Why not also leave all your other friends, move to a different country where you hardly speak the language, to live with people you barely know... You know, it's just a little more turmoil, right? It took every ounce of self control not to completely lose my mind. We haven't reached any conclusions yet, although I did manage to calmly tell her that I didn't agree with that idea, and that if she wanted our daughter to live in Germany, we should just all move now - we didn't have to wait until we were dead to send her by herself... Oddly though, my wife doesn't want to move back to Germany. I thought I knew that I didn't understand women, in general - and this woman, specifically - already. I learned something new last night.

The more I think about it, there's really only one good option. We have friends here who we both really respect, who have a kid the same age as ours, who attend the same school system, and who ought to be a great alternative, creating as little disruption as possible if something so unfortunate were to occur. But apparently, it's going to take a little time to get there... We'll see.. Wish me luck.

[Danno]

The more I think about it, there's really only one good option. We have friends here who we both really respect, who have a kid the same age as ours, who attend the same school system, and who ought to be a great alternative, creating as little disruption as possible if something so unfortunate were to occur. But apparently, it's going to take a little time to get there... We'll see.. Wish me luck.

One issue with a family that already has a kid the same age, especially if they're not relatives, is whether they would love your kid as their own. I realize that you know they would give her good care, but will she need more than that? That's one we struggled with, and actually went a different direction, ie the one who had a kid our daughter's age is not the one we picked.

[stfu&gbtw]

One issue with a family that already has a kid the same age, especially if they're not relatives, is whether they would love your kid as their own. I realize that you know they would give her good care, but will she need more than that? That's one we struggled with, and actually went a different direction, ie the one who had a kid our daughter's age is not the one we picked.

That's an interesting question... In this particular case, I think one of the parents would, because her whole private and professional life is dedicated to youth services... I think the other wouldn't, not because she's not blood, but because she's not a boy. I think he would care for her very deeply, but I can't see it being in all ways equivalent to how he feels about his sons. But this is a really interesting point - I'll continue to consider it. Thanks.

[frorider]

I'm not sure I understand Danno's logic. Clearly the age of your child, and other factors, can affect the odds of someone really treating them as one of their own. But similarity to the age of their existing children doesn't seem like one of those factors overall.

My brother and I were treated as part of the extended family by some close friends of my parents. I was the same age as their son.

If I think back to month-long visits to my aunt and uncle in NZ, part of why it felt like one big family was the age similarity to my cousins.

[DasBlunt]

your wife only said "back to Germany" because she wants the kids to be with family and you already ruled out Jersey. Regardless of language and friends, your kid is so young the turmoil will ultimately be way less with family. Grandparents, blood, are much easier on a child than with some random family that is not blood. It of course would make sense to have the kid stay with your close friends here until the Germans come pick her up.

Listen to instinct....always makes more sense than logic in these situations....apart from insurance salesman.

[frorider]

Parents typically celebrate when their youngest child goes off to college. Suddenly becoming a parent of a 12 yo girl in mourning seems like a rough transition.

[Danno]

I'm not sure I understand Danno's logic. Clearly the age of your child, and other factors, can affect the odds of someone really treating them as one of their own. But similarity to the age of their existing children doesn't seem like one of those factors overall.

My brother and I were treated as part of the extended family by some close friends of my parents. I was the same age as their son.

If I think back to month-long visits to my aunt and uncle in NZ, part of why it felt like one big family was the age similarity to my cousins.

Well, it doesn't depend on them having a kid the same age or not, or even any kid at all. Truly, the thing that matters to me is whether the person or people we choose is going to love my child as if she were their kid. I mentioned the kid of the same age simply because that highlights the issue to me, and could for stfu and others (including the chosen "parents"). As you note, maybe having a kid the same age helps that process, I don't know. In my situation, we just did not feel like they would be able to view both kids (theirs and ours) equally.

[stfu&gbtw]

In my own experience, I was the beneficiary of the love and caring of another family with a child the same age as I was when I went to live with them. I realize that those circumstances might be unusual... Or maybe not. Really don't know. I agree that becoming a surrogate parent to a child who just lost her real parents would likely be an incredibly difficult transition, and possibly not one that would be welcomed by someone who already emptied the nest.

DasB - my kid isn't that young... If she were 3, that'd be a no brainer. But at nearly eight, I don't think just ditching your friends and learning another language in the wake of your parents death is some kind of slam dunk - especially when she already reports feeling uncomfortable being in Germany and resists learning German. To some degree I think that actually might be what's behind my wife's perception of the issue... I know she wants our daughter to more fully embrace her German heritage and is somewhat annoyed that it hasn't happened more naturally. Not sure - we're going to discuss it further. For what it's worth, my daughter has spent 50x as much time with the family I have in mind than with her uncle in Germany. Probably also worth mentioning that my kid has lived on the side of a mountain her whole life - the German family lives in the middle of a city. It just seems like an incredible amount of upheaval for a kid who just experienced what is probably every kid's worst nightmare...

[old goat]

I'm not a lawyer, but I've been thru this process. Unless you plan to leave the kids and their new guardians penniless, you should also set up a trust for them and appoint an executor (not a guardian) for the trust. Creating/amending a will is only half of it, getting trust documents set up so that their basic needs and education are funded in the event you depart this plant can take a bit of legal knowledge and time. Then make sure you have enough life insurance and/or assets to put in that to at least pay for their upkeep and education until they're old enough. No matter how nice (or rich) your named guardian is, they won't want to take on a welfare case and the flip side is you don't want them to squander your child's money.

This nails it. I would reemphasize that the trustee and the guardian should usually be different--raising someone else's kids is hard enough without having to manage the money. Also, while you wouldn't leave your kids with someone you don't trust completely, people change, people get misjudged, people have financial setbacks that cloud their judgement. And frankly most people are better at raising kids than at managing money, especially a large sum of money that has to last a long time.. For many people a professional fiduciary would be the best option.

As far as picking a guardian--ideally that family would be someone at the stage of life compatible with raising the kids--in other words, probably not the grandparents or other people whose kids are grown and out of the house. (And definitely not with the people whose grown kids are not out of the house. Unless you want your kids to do nothing but smoke pot and play video games.)

Of course for most people having the perfect guardian available or being in a position to leave their kids financially secure is a fantasy. But if they can survive you they can probably survive whoever gets them next.

We were recently through a situation where my wife's brother, whose was in his late 50's, died suddenly though not unexpectedly, leaving a young son with a lot of problems, no mother in the picture, a very complex finacial situation, and both guardianship and trusteeship up in the air. A very difficult time.

[stfu&gbtw]

This nails it. I would reemphasize that the trustee and the guardian should usually be different--raising someone else's kids is hard enough without having to manage the money. Also, while you wouldn't leave your kids with someone you don't trust completely, people change, people get misjudged, people have financial setbacks that cloud their judgement. And frankly most people are better at raising kids than at managing money, especially a large sum of money that has to last a long time.. For many people a professional fiduciary would be the best option.

As far as picking a guardian--ideally that family would be someone at the stage of life compatible with raising the kids--in other words, probably not the grandparents or other people whose kids are grown and out of the house. (And definitely not with the people whose grown kids are not out of the house. Unless you want your kids to do nothing but smoke pot and play video games.)

Of course for most people having the perfect guardian available or being in a position to leave their kids financially secure is a fantasy. But if they can survive you they can probably survive whoever gets them next.

We were recently through a situation where my wife's brother, whose was in his late 50's, died suddenly though not unexpectedly, leaving a young son with a lot of problems, no mother in the picture, a very complex finacial situation, and both guardianship and trusteeship up in the air. A very difficult time.

^ Yeah, that sounds like a nightmare...

We've got the kid signed up for a play date today so we can hash out the rest of the arrangement. Will be interesting, but no matter where it ends up, I'll be glad to have this discussion behind us. And hopefully, that will be the end of it.

[hutash]

Another thing to think about is that living trusts can be changed. What might be better for your kid now, might not be in ten years, so review it regularly and adjust as needed. Sending a little kid to Germany is not that big a deal, since little kids are so adaptable, but doing that to a teen might be a total disaster. Life changes, just keep that in mind.