Hi - my name is frozenwater, or alias & my life as I know it is over

[RootSkier]

Yo frozen (you'll always be frozen to me), bummer. Sounds like a real shitty situation. It's tough to polish a turd but keep your eye on the prize - your daughters and yourself.

It probably doesn't seem like it right now but after spending all of your adult life with someone else this is quite the opportunity to find YOURSELF. Anyways, keep it together and keep lettin' us know how it goes. Because even though I've never met you I've known your crazy ass for years now and we care what happens. So stick around and keep us in the loop.

[Making a Pizza]

I can not stress this enough to you, as much as you feel like it is, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You were together since before you guys knew what you wanted in life. I've been in that situation, just broke up over it in fact. Your wife is feeling like things didn't turn out the way she wanted them to be, if both of you were unhappy she with the situation, and you with being super husband trying to fix things, there is a really good chance that you will be SO MUCH happier in the long run to have done this now, instead of turning life into a more bitter loveless place for your daughters. It hurts, no doubt, it will for a while. Reach out to your friends, hold on to your daughters. Get along with your wife through this, make it as easy as you can on your daughters, agree with your wife to not talk to them about break up issues, no trash talk, it would make things unfair for them. Make them sure that you love both of them, and that none of this is because of anything they did. Take it one day at a time, some days will be better than others, reconnect with your friends and go to counseling alone, it would still help you to have someone to talk to about it.

[advres]

Fred,

You know me... I may not be the best shoulder to cry on but you are my friend and I am here for you. Anything at all you need, I will be here. My phone number hasn't changed from when we saw each other daily and my gmail and tgr e-mail account are still active. Really, don't hesitate to pick up the phone if you need someone to talk to instead of type. I'm sure you heard about my fall from grace when I decided to runaway from Wyoming. It is a different thing all together but unlike you, I didn't have kids to keep me hanging on. It was a fateful call from a good friend who heard I was missing that helped pick me up. It wasn't an easy path back and still isn't but I really hope and pray you can do the same. Stay strong brother!

love you man,
take care of yourself!!! remember you got friends here.

[Tye 1on]

Hey frozen we got yer back. Some great thoughts above from mags way smarter than me. One day at a time. Don't forget to believe in yourself. You are the only one that made the greatness you see in what has happened so far in your life, and you can take that forward and find peace as well. Your kids have faith in you, we have faith in you, your friends and family have faith in you, so put 2 and 2 together, believe in yourself and look in the mirror and smile, because you are the mang. The only thing stronger than you, apparently, and only in the short run, is a snowcat with a winch attachment.

[oftpiste]

Good shit from rootskier below.

Get through this for your kids, and then for yourself. All three of you will be the better for it in the future.

Best wishes from a perfect stranger, albeit an empathetic one.

Yo frozen (you'll always be frozen to me), bummer. Sounds like a real shitty situation. It's tough to polish a turd but keep your eye on the prize - your daughters and yourself.

It probably doesn't seem like it right now but after spending all of your adult life with someone else this is quite the opportunity to find YOURSELF. Anyways, keep it together and keep lettin' us know how it goes. Because even though I've never met you I've known your crazy ass for years now and we care what happens. So stick around and keep us in the loop.

[atomicboy]

Frozen - Hang tough man. It may seem like you are trying to stay afloat with 50lb weights tied to your balls while the current is pushing you in every direction but it will get better. As bad as things may seem you have to keep it simple and you have three things going for you 1) the love of your daughters 2) air in your lungs 3) the beating of your heart. Find the positives of those three things and use them as a foundation or stepping stone for the next chapter of your life. Believe in yourself as you have an opportunity for greatness.

[summit]

Fred, hang in there bud!

[shmoesmith]

Hey Fred,

You can make it through this. If you need to talk, or want some ideas, send me a PM and I'll give you my number. There is nothing worse than losing the love of your life. Seriously, lean on the maggots if you need to. I can't tell you how much they meant to me when I lost my wife. Seriously, they were the difference between life and death with me. Many of them took calls in the middle of the night from me when I had a gun in my hand ready to end my life. We are here for you. Don't hesitate to call on us for help.

[ProHoHater]

Duuuude. Hope Im not out of line here, but sounds like regular old life right here. It aint always pretty, but fuck, thats life. Go spend some time researching stories out of Darfur or anyone on of the bizzilians of stories of rising up out of suffering from some god awful situations to get some perspective. Or even worse the stories of those whose situation are so bad that rising up isn't even a choice.

Life aint that bad dude. Sometimes no matter how much something sucks you just have to suck it up and be a man. Stand on your two feet, take the cards as they fall, and be a man. Just ask yourself what would the Duke do. Thats the advise Ive given to probably a hundred people, most in hella worse situations, but I think it applies here. Count your blessing, I think you'll find you have em.

[BeanDip4All]

Dear Alias (who has had many aliases),

You know what keep hearing over and over as I read through your posts in this thread (and infact, I remember also echoing when you posted before as oltimer)? A whole lot of you trying to change for her, trying to improve yourself for her, worrying about what she thinks and feels, but NONE of you trying to take care of and protect yourself. ARRRGH!! It pains me. It is clear how much you love her, and how greatly devoted you are to your family, but I think it’s time to concentrate on taking care of YOURSELF for a bit. In addition to helping you get through everything, this will probably make you a better father and allow you to be stronger for your beautiful girls during this rough time.

It might be hard to hear, but she is treating you pretty horribly. The fact that she won’t go to therapy with you because she “doesn’t believe in it” portrays her as very selfish. If she cared about you, she would suck it up and go, out of respect to you, regardless whether or not she thinks they’re all useless, spewing quacks. You don’t have to “believe in it” to give it a shot, at the very least humor someone you've spent your life with and built a family with.

The first thing you should do is get off the internet and go enlist the help two real life advocates- a good therapist and good lawyer! They will help your bottom line a lot more than any of us TGR peeps... and we'll still be here for you when you get back.

You stated it yourself- you’re not going to die from this. You know that eventually you will come through it okay. But it’s going to take a while. It sounds like, for lack of a better expression- you’re getting hit with a bit of a perfect storm right now. A similar tsunami hit me in Fall 2007 that also came out of nowhere. Within about a few months span, I lost my best friend to melanoma, lost my closest uncle to bone cancer, had a big drama/falling out on TGR, poorly navigated a very nasty breakup, was having misgivings about my professional life and where I wanted to take my career, and then lost my four-year long 1st love college boyfriend (who I was no longer dating but still very close with) in a freak car accident when his bronco flipped over on the Merritt Parkway. All of it combined to develop into this awful, soul devouring mess, and I was grief-laden and lost in a deep fog for a while.

This might be come across as totally cheesy, but here’s what helped me. To paraphrase a post from Brklyn that she wrote a very long time ago, (and I doubt I could even find it again if I searched), "use 1 part up from your bootstraps action and 1 part hippy dippy insights" or something along those lines. Basically- I concentrated on finding my own inner strength, worked to nourish it every single day, then took concrete actions, fueled on that fire.

Find your survival instinct; that force that will get you through anything. I channeled Jon Blais, one of my heros who was a brave Warrior Poet in the face of a horrendous, life-taking disease. Whatever works for you- Harness that energy, foster that survivor within your soul.... Are you an artistic type (I kind of feel like you might be)? Write it all down. Draw or paint that energy and hang it up somewhere that you’ll see it every day. Find a quotes you identify with, something that inspires you; write it on an index card, leave it right where you can see it all the time. I like is this one from Churchill:

“Then turn again to your task. Look forward, do not look backward. Gather afresh in heart and spirit all the energies of your being, bend anew together for a supreme effort. The times are harsh, the need is dire, the agony seems infinite, but the power of commitment and perseverance hurled united into the conflict will be irresistible.”

Meditate. Do whatever you can to develop your strength and protect yourself. I was going to also suggest you throw yourself into books, but it sounds like you are already doing that, which is great. Take on some projects- Pick up some consulting on the side, or even account temping. If you can't get extra work on the side, why not volunteer? You have a skill set that so many non profits could really benefit from... particularly at this time of year.

Accept it's not going to be a quick solution to this and you're going to have to muddle through for a while. If this goes through to divorce you're looking ... two years or so? Ugh. Others on this forum can speak to that with more authority than I.

I don’t know if you remember, but we met at TGR HQ a few years ago. You seemed like a great guy with quite a bit going for you- and no matter how wrecked you feel right now- all of those qualities that make you awesome are still going to be there. This isn’t going to take away your wry sense of humor, ability to be a great Dad, or ability to love down the road. You still have dreams to be realized, lots of living to do, and most importantly love to give- hang in there and get through this, particularly for your daughters.

Sincere Best Wishes,
C

[jondrums]

hey - we don't know each other, but I really feel for you.

I can't believe that nobody else suggested you consider going to therapy! I really think it could do you wonders - many clinics have group sessions that don't cost much. I really think that it might help you find yourself. If the first therapist or group you try doesn't jive with you, ditch it and find another one.

Think about finding someone who can work with you on mindfulness. You will have to learn to accept the things that you cannot change. By doing that, you will recognize the things that you can change, and you will feel control over those things.

I hope that you get yourself the help you so desperately need before things find a way to get worse. Isolation from your friends/peers is NOT a good thing, no matter how stressed or depressed you are. These are the people who will help you check yourself.

[rehabit]

it get's better... be nice to each other.

ski pow!

that's all I got for ya... and +++vibes

[snowsprite]

Frozen, I'm sorry that your heart is hurting. We're here for you during your storm.

Keep on keeping on, brother. This is the part of life where you have to hunker down and find your strength. Good times will come again, believe it.

You'll do it, get through this. And you're a good man, don't beat yourself up. Again, so sorry...

Sprite

[bklyn]

You can get through this, but it's not going to be easy. Sending you lots of love, PM me if you need someone to talk to.

[hop]

Sucks to hear it man. I still think of you every time I watch Anomaly, Soul Purpose, and Shack Therapy since you're the guy that sent them to me in Mexico.

Hang in there.

[brotherofedg]

More condonlances and advice from a perfect stranger here. Only weighing in because a very good friend of mine has just come out the other side of something very similar. He survived it and is stronger because of it.

It may sound callous but the two words you need to learn to embrace are 'fuck her'. If you've done everything you can to make this right, if she won't go to councelling or at least try and make it work for the sake of you kids then fuck her. Don't leave your house, if she wants out make her leave. Lawyer up big time (I know it costs alot but in the end it will cost you more if you don't).

You've got qualifications up the yin yang, putting food on the table will not be an issue. Trying to support two households could push you into personal bankruptcy and you can avoid it by getting her out of the house or at least refusing to leave. It's time to be tough, not in the swaggering macho way but in the protect your children way. They've got to be the priority and you cannot affoard to be pushed around at this stage.

To quote Chris Rock 'I'm not moving in with my mother because you ain't in love'. The pair of you built this life and she cannot force you out of it, if she doesn't like it she can leave.

This may sound anrgy woman hating crap but as I say I've watched it happen. It was painful for all involved but only when he stopped trying to be the nice guy did things start to work out for him. This may be a no win situation but there are ways to mitigate your losses, use tehm now before it's too late.

[XtrPickels]

Froz-
My condolences.

There's a lot of good advice in here and most of that advice centers on being true to yourself. I've experienced a similar situation in that I was trying very hard for something to work and it just wasn't going to. Realizing that sometimes 2 people aren't right for each other, that neither of them is the bad guy, was a breakthrough. Its corny, but my phone has "Semper Fidelis" (Always faithful) on the screen to remind me to always be faithful to myself.

Don't lose any more of yourself than you already have. Find yourself again.

[bmg97]

The way I see it as I have been through something similar without the kids. You will need to be sad, you will need to be depressed, you will need to be angry. These are all symptoms of dealing and getting over this. Believe me when I say this, there is someone out there better for you then your soon to be ex. It may not feel like it but there is. Now you have to focus on what you have and not what you don't have. Two daughter who love you, a house, friends on the internet you have no clue about but still feel your pain. Life is hard and life throws shit it your face. Its your job to persevere and get through it. Ski, spend time with your daughter, get in shape for the new hottie that will enter your life when the time is right. Things will work out for the better.

[Woodsy]

Fred
I have never wished I was in Utah more than i do right now since I moved
I would like to take you to lunch at some strange hallway arcade where they make great italian food.....

i have missed you, but now i get it.
i guess I got it before.
odd I thought this had worked through when i saw you 2 in Disney last year.
things seemed back to
well
you know.

call me or e-mail or PM or whatever.
I dont have any answers but I have known you for a while and
well I am here
you have a good friend in west jordan too.
he also misses you.
we talked of you often on the Sunday i was there.

be well sir.
you are good people and always will be, no matter what this may bring.
remeber that song i played you?
focus on your little girls.

[EarlyWood]

You can do this.
Does the person you're in love with have a history of building your self esteem or knocking it down subtly and constantly? This may not be all your fault..if you stop blaming yourself, moving on could get easier.
Good luck, man..
oh, and I may need a couch out your way, so don't fuck up

EarlyWood/train07

[iceclimb]

Frozen condolences. This is a hard row to head down, and this place will be here to get your back when you need it. IF nothing else it's a 24/7 distraction from the real shitshow.

I do have a thought though. You mentioned that you were trying to be super husband, and I have to think that would get annoying after a while.... and at the same time it would drive someone away, it would make it harder to accept they want to go.

Some things can't be fixed by trying, they need to be fixed by being. Ideally being yourself, being confident, and being the person you love to be. That's difficult during and after depression, as you lose a bit of who that person is. Like Beandip said, meditate or go out and find that person again. "Be the ball" my friend. I wouldn't go as far as someone said and constantly think "fuck her", but rather to be selfish, to do what you need and not what your wife or family needs all the time. Only because what they need, is you to be yourself.

Good luck with this...oh and why the hell did you have a nitrogen cylinder when you were camping?

[lemon boy]

Dear Fred,

Much Love.
Much Respect.

There is nothing anybody can say that’ll take the hurt away today but that doesn’t change the fact that eventually it just won’t hurt that bad at all.

[gatorboy]

Hi Fred, I'm Alex (37 yrs. old) and I just sent you my phone number in a PM. Call me whenever you'd like to talk.

[weibo]

Hey Frozen, I remember the day I ask this question to the old Powdermag board. It's a hard situation to accept let alone ask people for help about. I remember the advice I received but it came down to me needing to be able to move forward and no one can tell you how that will go. Listen to the Mags and take weigh the advice and how it really applies to your situation. There will be great advice, especially the painful practical relationship ending lawyer getting advice, and there will be advice that doesn't apply to you. All I can say is take the situation as it is not as you want it to be and don't ignore things because you don't want to deal with them. This helped me when I remembered it. Good luck and talk to your friends their perspective and strength will help immensely.

[mr_gyptian]

..................