I have this alien body lodged in my hand...

**snowsprite** · 03-05-2008, 04:49 PM

I swear, I'm not joking!

As I was reading beandip's crafty thread and MTM mentioned chicks and powertools...I remembered about this horrific thing I'm going to have to endure next week: the removal of a calcified splinter out of my left hand. Ewww!

This thing is gross--and feels so weird. It gives me the chills because when you run your finger along it you can feel the shape of the splinter all encased in whatever cartillagenous gunk my body has produced to surround it. :::shudder:::

I first noticed it back in January. Of course I thought it was a tumor or rheumatoid arthritis (you know, the power of positive thinking? Well I'm the QUEEN of that

). I was so busy with my fucked up life though, that I figured "why don't i just ignore it and see if it will go away?" So I did. It didn't.

Anyway, it keeps acting up...like it swells up and then it semi goes away (but not really). And it's rather bothersome and borderline painful at times. So last week I show it to my boss who tries to comfort me by shrieking "HOLY FUCK! It's probably a spider that somehow tunneled into your skin and laid eggs and now baby spiders are all going to burst forth in the middle of the night while you sleep." (I luv this guy)

Finally I go to my doctor on Monday and he's like "Oh yeah, did you build something recently or handle broken glass? You have definitely got some kind of splinter lodged in there and your body has built up a layer of gunk around it and we better get a hand surgeon to go in and pluck it out. If it gets infected, and it could, it would be bad. We have to remove it."

Nice! Just what I always wanted...my hand sliced open during lunch hour to remove a foreign body.

He saw my face and said "Don't worry, the guy will probably give you a shot of novacaine." I felt much better of course, because I just LOVE to get shots.

I've got it narrowed down to that I got this splinter either (a) building a ski chair (not the Ullrfest one, I built another one on my own back in November...I should post a picture it came out pretty good) or (b) when somebody knocked over a candlestick during Christmas eve dinner and I offered to clean it up and remember getting a few shards in my hand (possibly one is still in there).

If you read this far, I am not sure what to say other than you must be kind of interested so I guess I may post up a TR of my doctor visit. I'm morbidly curious about what this "thing" will look like when it's removed. Maybe I'll post a pic?

I have to be coaxed though...

Sprite

**4matic** · 03-05-2008, 04:53 PM

Ask for Valium to get you through the trauma...

**mrw** · 03-05-2008, 04:54 PM

There is always an upside. At least it's only a splinter

Listen to this...

I spent a few months in Africa on an extended safari about 15 years ago.

One of the guys on the trip came home with what felt like several large boils-pimples. One day one of them burst and some kind of maggot, worm thing came oozing out.

he had to go and have them lanced and this worm thing pulled out of his arm and leg

**MOHSHSIHd** · 03-05-2008, 04:55 PM

Yeah, I read all that. Pics!!!

G · 03-05-2008, 04:57 PM

Could be worse, I suppose.

But try not to think of this when you're at the doctor.

.

**BigDaddyLionfish** · 03-05-2008, 05:03 PM

Geoff it shows up as a red x but I'm dyin to know what you posted

**snowsprite** · 03-05-2008, 05:12 PM

**MakersTeleMark** · 03-05-2008, 05:17 PM

Don't let them fuck with your love line.

**FrankZappa** · 03-05-2008, 05:17 PM

1) I "let one go" once when I was a lil kid cuz I didn't want my mom to did it out.... Wrong move. Nasty doctor visit. Lesson learned.

2) Real "craftsmen" dig their own splinters out.

3) Real "craftswomen" use a brass pole instead of wood to avoid this very problem.

4) That was a long book. I almost skipped to the end to see how it turned out.

5) There's potential for a whole series of books (and then Speilberg movies, cuz everybody knows that dude needs some new ideas to work with) in this thread.

**Nanuq** · 03-05-2008, 05:21 PM

I hope you give your boyfriend hand jobs with the other hand and not that freakish thing.

**MOHSHSIHd** · 03-05-2008, 05:42 PM

Originally Posted by Nanuq

I hope you give your boyfriend hand jobs with the other hand and not that freakish thing.

Hand jobs? What is she 14 years old?!

**jibij** · 03-05-2008, 06:35 PM

Splinter story...

We were a very classy upstate NY family, and had one of them ultra-swank above-ground vinyl pools. To further swankify it, my Dad built a wooden deck alongside it. Before he got the ladder to the deck put in place, the only way to get on the deck from the pool was to jump up high enough to grab the top of the deck and pull yourself up, dragging your stomach across the wood. Which was untreated and unfinished.

I wound up with 50+ splinters in my stomach by the end of the day. Dad held me down while Mom plucked.

**Nanuq** · 03-05-2008, 06:38 PM

Originally Posted by MOHSHSIHd

Hand jobs? What is she 14 years old?!

Hand jobs, much like the maligned dry-hump, have never gone out of fashion. They are used for special occasions, like when you are watching "SOuth Park" and don't feel the need to give her any extra energy. She can just reach over and take care of things for you while you guffaw and chuckle.

The dry-hump, however, is reserved for the special occasions, like when riding in a limo to a funeral and you can't mess up the clothes, just a quick dry-hump and no one is the wiser as you put dear old shrivelled up Aunt Dricraque into the grave.

**timvwcom** · 03-05-2008, 11:28 PM

If it wasn't plainly obvious before that I might, um... well... I might have a dirty mind? (Duh!) When I saw Sprite posting a pic with flesh, well... um... my mind saw what it wanted too I guess? Sorry!!! (Though this probably looks much more like MY fat ass than hers, of that I am certain!!!)

**skibuminwyo** · 03-05-2008, 11:43 PM

Tim, you are a severely disturbed man. But that's ok, it's why we get along.

**Provocyclist** · 03-06-2008, 12:38 AM

Sprite: Pics! yes please! You should get it encased in polycarbonate, and when people ask what it is, you could say somthing like "its the biggest piece of remains from the last guy that asked what it was" Hopefully you can think of something better than that.

One of my buddies got a 1" piece of sagebrush wood in his leg. It got all infected and nasty. When the nurse lanced it, pus went everywhere, and then she proceeded to dig around in the cavity and pulled this goo-encased bit of wood. I was enthralled and very impressed.

Im sure though, you dont want to hear everyones horror stories, so good luck with that, and scream bloody murder when the blade gets close to you.

G · 03-06-2008, 05:48 AM

I was walking barefoot across my living room, and poked myself in the foot with a piece of toothpick that had somehow been dropped in the shag carpet. It left a little puncture wound that was sore for a few days, but nothing serious.

A few weeks later, after a day of skiing, I looked at the spot on the bottom of my foot, and it was a little irritated. I poked at it a bit, and gave it a little squeeze. I squeezed it again, and it exploded. Across the room shot a 1/2 inch shard of broken off toothpick. The thing popped loud, like an over-ripe zit, and it expelled a stick had been completely covered with a capsule of slimy gook. It was pretty rad.

**snowsprite** · 03-06-2008, 08:47 AM

This thread is shaping up nicely...like my alien life form I'm incubating.

I'm intrigued by your responses, especially the gory ones. Whoa...

I'll let you know how next Thursday goes, and post pix. Should be fun!

Sprite

**InspectorGadget** · 03-06-2008, 01:06 PM

Take photos.

This one was taken right after the cast came off, but before they removed the stitches and pulled out the pins.

**milton** · 03-06-2008, 01:54 PM

Holy flash back! Same thing happened to me in 8th grade. It had just rained and I was walking down the sidewalk with a friend. We came up to a tree with some low-lying branches so I took a few steps ahead of him and grabbed the tree branch as he walked under it hoping to soak him and get a good laugh. Turns out the tree was covered with thorns and I stuck one in my hand between my pinky and ring finger. Pulled the thorn out but must have left the very tip of it in there. It healed over and eventually formed a cyst type "layer of gunk" around it. I didn't notice it until a started playing sports the following school year, every time my hand got jarred it would start throbbing. Doc had to cut a nerve in my hand to remove the damn thing and to this day I have very little feeling in my pinky finger. Being in 8th grade, I thought it was pretty cool to watch the operation with my arm locally numbed!

++vibes Sprite

**snowsprite** · 03-06-2008, 01:59 PM

Wow mtnlion! Freakiness! Did you get to see what he took out? What did it look like??

I'm just glad I never got a boob job...apparently my body likes to encapsulate stuff that does not belong in it.

Fake bajongas in my chest would probably get as hard as unripe honeydew melons. Ewwww!!!

Sprite