THANK YOU EVERYONE!

[dirtybryan]

If you need someone to talk to, my AIM screenname is dirtybryan. I'm only 19, but if you need someone to vent to, consider me all ears. I'm up late doing some work and am willing to listen if you want someone to.

[Flexon Phil]

It's not your fault.

[geo039]

Hey Doug....most of the mags are probably asleep, but us Euro mags are here for support! I will start off by saying, I cannot imagine what you have gone through, but I have experienced some of the the same type of feelings you noted above and that is why I am writing now......about a year or so ago I was asking the same questions and saying "I just want my life back" ...your comment resonated with me.....I wanted those things back too and still do in some ways, but all I can say from experiences is that there will be nights like tonight, there will be days that are unbearable,....but it does get better....that is the only hope I can give you...it does get better..I know these comments are not going to get you to bed or take the pain away, but hopefully somewhere in the back of mind you will feel comfort to know that there are other people that have experienced lose and pain similar to yours and that there are better days ahead.....postive vibes to you... all the best, G

[Mrs Roo]

Are you at home at the moment, Doug?
Insomnia will be a problem for a while. Don't be afraid of getting professional help for this and your emotional wellbeing. It won't solve things but just think of it as a crutch to support you through these difficult early weeks.

Everyone here is rooting for you and just giving the best advice that they know. Some of it will not be right for you but when you are ready just utilise what suits.

[shmoesmith]

Are you at home at the moment, Doug?
Insomnia will be a problem for a while. Don't be afraid of getting professional help for this and your emotional wellbeing. It won't solve things but just think of it as a crutch to support you through these difficult early weeks.

Everyone here is rooting for you and just giving the best advice that they know. Some of it will not be right for you but when you are ready just utilise what suits.

Yes, I am at home. I have a friend here with me, but he passed out about 5 hours ago. BTW Mrs Roo, I never thanked you and your hubby. You two are the reason I found this place. Looking up beta on 4 shadows in the cody bowl. Britt really wanted to hit it and central this year since conditions wouldn't allow it last year. Thank you for bringing me to this community....If Roo ever gets thinking of leaving again, remind him of what you guys have done for me. Remind him that this is an odd family that can bring hope when there seems to be none.

[Mrs Roo]

Next time I'm there I'll hit it again and dedicate it to Brit.

You may also remember from that same thread that we lost a very dear friend in a car crash just as we arrived in Jackson. I have been supporting his fiance over the last two years since and have seen how difficult grief is to express to yourself and others around you. There were many times when she told us that she wished she had died in the crash with him (she suffered serious injuries but obviously pulled through).

She got to the point when sleep deprivation and anxiety forced her to seek professional help and wished she'd done it earlier. It was only for a finite period and she is now getting her life back together. It's taken time and there are still occasions when we will cry like babies together over a bottle of wine. It's a difficult, tumultuous, wrenching path but there is a new, different life at the end of it. You don't want it right now. That's understandable and believe me everybody around you will wish so badly that they could wave a magic wand to return everything to normal for you. Your next move is up to you but you don't need to make it yet.

Doug, don't underestimate the care and tenacity of people on this board. There is a wealth of people from different lives and who have had different experiences. Use us and abuse us for anything you need to help you through this.

Mrs R x

[Cono Este]

Shmoesmith

Allthough a road trip can be a great a idea it often mean's alot of time spent alone. Try to stay around good friends right now if you can.

Also I must say that I am very inspired by your courage right now. The fact that you want to get back to work, resume your old life, and not run away, shows alot of stregnth.

Try to stay busy, get out and make some turns, get back to work when your ready, and most of all, hang in there bro.

[skiing-in-jackson]

Hang in there. Prayers 4 U

[H-man]

If Roo ever gets thinking of leaving again, remind him of what you guys have done for me. Remind him that this is an odd family that can bring hope when there seems to be none.

Nice Doug. This is the type of stuff that shows that you are an important part of this community and why people can't think of a better guy to help out. You will be fine. Use us and others to get any and all the support you need.

When things calm down for you, if you ever feel like taking a trip to Austria, call me. I mean it.

Keep on keepin on man!

Peace.

[Mrs Roo]

When things calm down for you, if you ever feel like taking a trip to Austria, call me.

Via London, of course.

[erica_z]

hold on there, doug.

whenever I go through something bad in my life, I try to go someplace where I feel free and where things make sense. If you can take some time away, maybe head to the mountains? The collective is sure to put you up wherever you decide to go.

you're in our thoughts,
erica

[snobound]

Shmoe,

I understand completely what your going through. When I lost my fiance 3 almost 4 years ago I went through much of the same your going through now.
I know that you would sell your soul to the devil to make things go back the way they were (i know I would of).
Everyone is right though, you need to get out, go somewhere, do something. Yeah the thought of that isn't even a good one, but in reality it's true. If it weren't for my friends dragging (litterly dragging) my sorry, sobbing, not wanting to go on ass to the mountain and making me ski, I don't know how I would of made it. I honestly don't. I only wish I had found this Mag community 5 years ago to have this type of unwaving support as you do.
Do as someone said, go on that amazing quest for pow. Pow don't care if theres tears while your skiing it (I know). Just do something!
If you'd like to talk you can PM me, I'm usually online most of the day.

Please keep talking to us!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ sent you

[Jer]

Do what works for you, shmoe. People are so different in the way they work, there's no generally correct solution.

In a similar situation, I probably wouldn't want to cut loose and travel the world; I probably wouldn't be able to, mentally; I don't know if it'd do me good or kill me. Free travel amplifies the highs and lows a lot for me - not necessarily a good thing.

On the contrary, I would probably draw back to my foundations. Away from risks and challenges for a while. Take it easier on myself; give myself time and space to do whatever - stare out the window, ruminate into a journal, annoy my friends with endless chatter - whatever seems natural. I'd draw on whatever those things are that I know I can count on. I'd look for simplicity and automatic routine - easier on the mind, for me.

Some soul-searching seems likely, regardless of whether you like it or not; but maybe not much. Maybe you'll do best by getting back into a steady, progressive schedule of work and play.

'Course the problem is you don't know what will work to get you back to where you want to be. I doubt anybody does.

Sleep disturbance is a common symptom of such an experience; though I tend towards fatigue, not insomnia. You might consider short-term use of low-power sleep meds. Only with a doctor's advice, supervision & consultation about the surrounding situation.

Regular physical exercise and consistent healthy eating and drinking habits often perform as well as various medications for problems like this. Sometimes it's worth paying a trainer to keep you on track, or taking an exercise / yoga class, or finding a reliable hiking / skiing buddy & making it a rule to get out at a set time, rain or shine.

That's my free advice, it's worth what you paid for it. I hope you have some more valuable advice handy.

But if you find yourself up at 5:00 am with nobody to scream at - seriously - give someone a call. I'll take the call if necessary (pm for cell #), and I'm sure I'm not the only one who would. With enough potential contacts, you'll only have to kick each of us out of bed once or twice.

[mnflyfish]

I just want my life back. I don't want to go out and have some sort of god damn soul search. I don't want to travel. I just want my life back...I WANT MY FUCKING LIFE BACK!

Doug,

It's easy for us on the outside to look at your situation and say "hit the road, ski some pow, etc.". My first thought was to tell you the same thing. Then I stopped and looked at my own life, how would I handle loosing my wife, having my whole world turned upside down, who would I turn too, etc. Not to read anything into your post, but you want life to be normal. You want to go to sleep, wake up, have a shitty cup of coffee, feed the dog, and go to work. A normal day. I've never experienced anything as life-altering as you are going through but I have lost very close family members and remember thinking "I wish when I ran into a friend/co-worker/neighbor I couldn't see sympathy in their eyes". I wish I could write some profound advice that would make everything go back to normal for you, but that formula is different for everyone. For me it would be grabbing my guitar and curling up on the couch with my dog or taking a long walk(more than likely with my dog), I really don't know. For others it might be taking off into the mountains and skiing or hitting a bar, hopping on a ship and sailing out to sea, or just plain going back to work. I agree with others that seeing someone that could help you with the sleep thing is a great first step, though in my experience it seems to come one all of a sudden. When I lost a close family member I didn't sleep for a number of days, then one afternoon my body made the decision for my mind and I slept for 15 or so hours. But it might not hurt to talk with a pro and get some advice. I would also suggest you speak with a third party about what you're feeling. Not necessarily a doctor, could be clergy, a distant friend, old college buddy, random guy/gal at the coffee shop, or someone here. But I've found it's nice to talk to people not directly involved. They have little or no emotional ties to the situation and are just there to listen. In my past I've found the dog to be my best listener, she's the one I turn to.

Finally, yeah I can get long winded, things will get better, your life will go back to normal, or what normal will be going forward for you, and you'll deal with these feelings and all the stuff that comes with the day to day of moving forward.

Good luck,
Jay

[mrryde]

Doug,

Glad to see that you checked in. Keep your head up. I am in the process of getting the funds out of my account and to you.

JB

[Tye 1on]

Doug,

Glad to see that you checked in. Keep your head up. I am in the process of getting the funds out of my account and to you.

JB

JB-Think i speak for all [bravely as a jong] with thanks and 2 thumbs up to ya for taking the lead on this and facilitating for us all. Props!!!!!!

[Jax]

As well, I've never met you, Doug, but have been greatly saddened this past week just reading about everything. But, I've also been enlightened and have renewed faith in mankind, based solely on what good has been brought out by many of the folks on this forum. It is very inspiring, and seeing your recent posts makes it even moreso. Your spirit to get through this is evident. I *hope* it's not the case, but somewhere out there, someone else may be reading all of this, experiencing similar thoughts and feelings, not knowing what to do or how to cope with tragedy. Your openness and honesty about your feelings may very well be the inspiration for someone else to get through it all. Never give up!

Likewise, if you EVER find yourself in the Boulder area, you will be welcomed with open arms. My fiance is a southern boy, a total wacko and comic relief, and a fantastic chef with a wine problem. We also have two fuzz-bots named Shadow and Ullr who would love to show you their tennis ball collection. You may not be ready for travel yet, but you will. Corn harvest should be great come June!

As someone else said, keep on keepin' on! +++++++++++++++++++

Jax

[slippy]

I feel cheap just donating money and saying nothing at all, so I'd like to say I'm sorry what happened and I wish you luck.

My advice is to spend as much time with other people. Even if they fall asleep early. When you are alone is when the demons come out. Alcohol makes them come out quicker and much stronger. Sometimes a simple thing like watching a depressing movie or hearing a certain song can be the trigger of another bad, emotional day. Try to avoid negative things and people.

I wouldn't have your dad hold any gun just for a few months. Relapses come out of nowhere, sometimes years later. I would sell the guns. Try to be strong, and again, try to be around people even if it is a simple phone call to someone. I hope your friends are there for you. You may be at the bottom of the bottom right now, but there is only one way to go, up. It will get a lot better if you hang in there. (And lots of exercise will make you sleep better and clear your mind for a bit.)

Words seem cheap too, but I honestly wish you the best.

[Art Shirk]

Doug, just another guy here who is in your corner. My door in Seattle is always open to you.

[hutash]

I am sorry you can not have your old life back, but there is still plenty of good life a head, give it time, it will come.

Mostly I just want to saw becareful with the alcohol, it is an easy crutch to use, and easy to abuse. Remember it is a depressant, which is the last thing you need. (it makes me sleep like crap, so it is not even good for that)

Good food, good friends, good activities (skiing or otherwise) are all things that will help you feel better.

Good luck, stay strong, there are one hell of a lot of people pulling for you.

[rungsp]

Doug....I cannot say that I know what you are going through, because it is your own unique experience. However I do know what it is to loose (too many) family members and perhaps you wil allow me to offer a little advice?

Having shared the loss with other family I saw each of us deal with it in very different ways. For example my Aunt bottled it all up and has never spoken about it at all. My sister had counselling and found it such a help that she has subsequently trained t become a grief counsellor. I cried a lot and then found it incredibly important to get back to work and into the routine of life. Counselling to me was a farce.

What I realise now is that there is no Right Way and no Wrong Way.
There is just Your Way.

You want to travel and climb mountains? You want to go back to work? You want to speak to friends? You want to speak to a counsellor? You want to speak to no-one?

Whatever works for you is Your Way. You'll find that way and it will help you to get through this incredibly shitty time. Time is a healer, that may sound stupid right now, but believe me...

My thoughts are with you...

[Monique]

I am sorry you can not have your old life back, but there is still plenty of good life ahead...

When my friend Rob died it was just staggering how alone I felt with the knowledge of who/what was gone, despite the fact I was surrounded by caring friends and family. The moment I grabbed the phone lying on my housemate's mattress and heard my brave friend Susie's voice saying "It's about Rob...he killed himself" divided my life in two like the biblical story about adam biting into an apple from a tree of knowledge--in this case not knowledge of "good and evil," but knowledge that Rob was gone and he was gone because he killed himself. There would never be another second in my life I didn't know that, and it changed everything. I have been lucky and my life is very happy and full, but after more than seven years I understand it is a fundamentally different good life than I would have had without that experience. Doug, you have been so good at reaching out and have so many people pulling for you I absolutely believe you will have a good different life. I'm sorry you can't hit "fast forward" to the time when it will feel that way.