THANK YOU EVERYONE!

[shmoesmith]

You guys have been great. As buzz said, I'm slowly coming back to the world. Today was really rough (being valentines and all). The morning was rough, and it was worse when I dropped off roses for Britt.

I've come along way with your support and love. For the first 3 or 4 days after my wife killed herself last week, all I could think about was killing myself to be with her. I am no longer constantly thinking of that. I'm to the point where for a few hours at a time I feel like I'm going to make it....like somehow I will have the strength to weather this storm. I'm still going through moments of intense pain and anger.

I now know some of the reasons my wife did it, and although they are incredibly painful(she was leading a double life that goes against many of my values in more than one way and I don't want to go into it here.) at least I know that despite what she was doing to me behind my back, that she still loved me. It wasn't something I did wrong and it was because she loved me and didn't want to hurt me that she never came clean with what she was doing and how she was living. It hurts like hell knowing what she was doing, but at least it helps me make sense of it all.

I'm far from out of the woods...last night I was having thoughts of murder and feeling it just punishment to those individuals that were involved in influencing her to do the the things that she did that drove her to such pain and guilt that she would kill herself. There were also others that knew she was thinking about killing herself, but did nothing...they thought they could handle it themselves and didn't want to break her confidence. I know that revenge is not right and in the end it was her decision..there were other ways out of the mess she had put herself into. Still, I know that having thoughts like that mean that I'm still horribly messed up. I know that it wouldn't solve anything and would make matters worse. The scary part was that last night it felt perfectly reasonable.

Tonight I will try and sleep in my house for the first time since it happened. Some friends will stay with me in case it is too much and I need to get out of there. I feel like I can't just abandon the place though..it is my home, despite what happened inside there. It was OUR home. Britt was so proud of it when we bought it. I just hope there is some way I can save it. I'm hoping to be able to get some roommates or something that can help pay for the costs.

Still even with roommates, it would be incredibly tight..I don't think i could rent out my two spare rooms for much since they are so small, so I don't know if it is even financially feasible yet.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know that you have been a great great help to me..knowing that people actually give a flying fuck whether you live or die helps you get through the day more than you can ever imagine....I want to personally thank Yentna and snowsprite who both listened to one of my rants one night and helped me see some reason when my mind couldn't, and helped me vent when i was having a really really bad night. The financial support gives me some sort of hope that somehow I will be able to get through these next months without losing everything I have worked my entire life for to get(a house, car, etc)..Thank you so much for that. you have no clue how scared I have been about losing everything and being out on the street(living with the fam is just not an option)

The maggots have given me hope..something that oddly, my family and friends havn't been able to provide...somehow because the support has come from alot of people that don't know me well, it means more...it makes me believe that there is still good in this world and that this world is still worth being part of..

I'm rambling now because I don't really know how to thank you guys. I don't really know what to say. For those that have listened to me, thank you..for those that offered, I still may call you yet as i'm still suffering from very intense moements of pain an danger that are lasting for hours on end.

Thank You everyone.

[Tippster]

Hang in there Doug. We're all pulling for you.

[GBB]

Hang tough shmoe. We all hope for the best and we know you will make it.

[grskier]

Hang in there man, if you need to get out of dodge, say the word and you can stay in CO for a while.

[Kya]

Hang tough dude. I was thinking about you today.

[InspectorGadget]

...it makes me believe that there is still good in this world and that this world is still worth being part of.

There is so much good in the world and the Maggot community exemplifies all that is right in the world today.

One day at a time.

[iskibc]

I admire your strength, will, and perseverance through all of this. Stay on track my man.

[leroy jenkins]

The fact that you can talk about everything like that, and say all that stuff to a bunch of jackasses on the internet says a lot about you. You seem like a strong person. Hang in there, and look at the good things in life. I really believe people are inherently good.

[Telenater]

being out on the street

While I live several states away, I don't think that was a significant risk with the obvious friendships you have with those close to you and the shear goodness within this community.

You've got friends here and support for the asking. I still go back and look at the thread started by my fiance after my accident and it never fails to bump my faith in humanity up another notch. The recent outpouring of support has only multiplied my regard for this strange, wonderful bunch of friends.

[iceman]

You can call me, 240-888-5475, anytime man.

People who know me know I'm not a total idiot, I'd like to at least try to help.

edit: I'm gonna take the number down in a while to keep the bots and the freakjobs from findng it, but I'd be happy to talk to you, I've gone though a lot of loss in the past few years, maybe I could help you a little.

[Viva]

Take care, mang. We love you- in a platonic way, of course.

And keep writing! Posts, new threads, PMs, whatever, just keep doing it. Stay connected. We aren't going to have all the answers, but we're good listeners and give us a chance in that capacity we we may just lead you to some resolution.

[rideit]

Thanks for the honest assessment. I think a lot of us were touched deeply by the random kindness, which to me is in some ways as astounding as the random tragedy. I certainly have been personally quite moved by what has happened in this twisted little corner of the internet. As you know, D, you are always welcome here for a respite, and furthermore an anonomous donor has offered Targhee tickets if and when you could enjoy them. I also do possibly have a nice, cheap apartment available off of 400 and 14th, If you do need it. Please use us for whatever strength you may gain..many hands lift a burden, and all of that.
Peace.

[skadams.ca]

Great to hear from you Shmoe - thanks for the update....hang in there and know that this entire community is behind you

[altachic]

You will get through this. It will take a lot of time, but you will.

I'm so glad for everyone here that could provide some sort of help to you whether it's talking to you, donating money or just hanging out with you when you need it.

We care.

Stay strong Doug.

[Deep Days]

Still praying every night for you, D. Sorry as hell you had to/are having to endure this mess, but from what I can gather, you'll be just fine. Hopefully we can help you make sure of that.

If you need to vent, feel more than welcome to PM me. I'm 19 and kind of a dumb ass, but I'd love to do what I can to help you out.

Bottom line: stay strong. We've got faith in you, and we hope you continue to have faith in our support.

[AsheanMT]

You're sounding much better Shmoe. Far from good but much better. Thank You for sharing your thoughts with us and please continue to do so whenever you can and want to. We all want to see you find some solid ground to stand on. There is nothing wrong with how you're feeling, its part of a process that needs to be worked through and you're doing a good job of doing just that. Please don't be ashamed to ask anyone for help, as you can see by the posts we all have been affected deeply by this and want so badly to help you to feel better.

[splat]

Hey, Schmoe, I've never posted to you before and would never presume to know your pain. I hope you find forgiveness in your heart, reach deep into your spirit for strength, and live a full life in each moment going forward, brother.

Things really do have a way of working out

[birdman829]

Never met you Doug but definitely hang in there. I've been moved by this whole story with the outpouring of support.

[powstash]

stay strong mang. have you considered a ski tour? If you're up for a walk in the mountains, PM me. It sure helps clear the mind.

[GoldMember]

No thanks are necessary from you, only thanks to you. Thanks for being rational in an irrational time. Keep hanging in there and so far as those who led Britt astray, take the high road. Their values obviously don't reflect yours and don't let them drag you to their level. Hang tough.

This has been difficult enough for us who don't even know you or Britt so we can only try to imagine what you're going through. Seek out your true friends and those who love you to get through when it seems the pain will get the best of you. Time will make this better, even if it may not entirely heal what you're feeling, it will at least make it manageable at some point. At least you will eventually find a way to cope. Take control of the situation, don't let it control you. Be strong and know that there are a lot of people who've never met you that care more than you may ever know.

[G]

Be strong. Pain eventually fades, and there is still more happiness for you to experience in your life. Be ready for it.

[oftpiste]

Hey Doug,

We've never met or corresponded but I've been following your story and I can't even imagine what kind of things you must be feeling. I have not posted on any of the other threads for no other reason than the lack of ability to put my empathy into words.

Please know that even those of us who don't know you give a serious flying fuck that you live, and live, and live some more. If you're ever in the PNW you have a warm bed, good food and drink, and a pretty fuckin' crazy family to hang with. I truy hope we meet sometime.

Be well, and strong as you have already proven yourself to be.

OP

[GFP]

Keep going friend. There are many people behind these monitors and keyboards who think about you, care about you, and wish you well.

[MeatPuppet]

Still, I know that having thoughts like that mean that I'm still horribly messed up.

No, it doesn't. It means that you are a normal person. I think thoughts like that are normal for someone in your situation. There are people who would have acted on those feelings, but you didn't. That should tell you something about who you are. Have faith in yourself. You are going to be OK. It will take time, and sometimes it will be really tough, but you will be OK.


All of this has struck a very personal cord with me, for reasons I won't go into. But I'm pulling for you man.


It was good to hear from you.

[amyzilla]

Doug, I admire you for being able to write such an articulate and honest post despite what you're going through. So many people care about you - just take things one day (or one hour) at a time. Talk things through as often as you need to. Feel free to PM me anytime - I've been through a lot in the past year or two, and although it's nothing like your experience, maybe we could relate anyway.