Relationship help

My gf and I have been together for 7 months now. In August she is going to be moving to Cali to go to graduate school (both from MI). I still have one more year left of college before I go to medical school and I am considering applying to the same school she is at. Just curious how hard it is to have a long distance relationship. We have a serious relationship and have made it so far this summer not seeing each other everyday like we did while in school. Just want some advice from those who have had long distance relationships or who are in one. What can I do to make things as good as possible?

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Originally Posted by tranzformer

What can I do to make things as good as possible?

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Hookers and blow. Lots.

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Originally Posted by tranzformer

My gf and I have been together for 7 months now. In August she is going to be moving to Cali to go to graduate school (both from MI). I still have one more year left of college before I go to medical school and I am considering applying to the same school she is at. Just curious how hard it is to have a long distance relationship. We have a serious relationship and have made it so far this summer not seeing each other everyday like we did while in school. Just want some advice from those who have had long distance relationships or who are in one. What can I do to make things as good as possible?

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i have never been in a long distance relationship, and frankly i couldnt handle it. I have seen many good couples get destroyed by distance. Just saying be prepared for shit to go south....it just happens. And my advice is to not apply to a school JUST because your GF goes there. Good luck.

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Originally Posted by MOHSHSIHd

I have seen many good couples get destroyed by distance. Just saying be prepared for shit to go south....it just happens. And my advice is to not apply to a school JUST because your GF goes there. Good luck.

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It sucks man...I was in a perfect relationship, I moved to Cali. She was supposed to come move out there too...We didn't make it 3 months apart. Good luck. Oh yeah my buddy transfered from the University of Georgia to chase his girlfriend around, said it was one of the biggest mistakes of his life.

girl guide and I are apart for most of the winter with her guiding, it sucks, but she loves it and being together for 13+ years we have some history.

do-able, just hard and sucks (not in the good way or hard/sucks)

Unless you are 1000% convinced you are going to marry this person and would kill yourself if they were to pass on from this world, then give up and move on. You will do nothing but thank yourself for it later. If you are convinced you could not live without them, then hold on with everything you've got, be prepared for some serious hardship, but know that it will work out roses in the end.

I say give up and find someone else.

Yeah I know it will suck and be hard but we both want it to work out. In retrospect, a year isnt that long.

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Originally Posted by tranzformer

Yeah I know it will suck and be hard but we both want it to work out. In retrospect, a year isnt that long.

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thats what EVERYONE says....


a year IS long dude...

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Originally Posted by Lane Meyer

Unless you are 1000% convinced you are going to marry this person and would kill yourself if they were to pass on from this world, then give up and move on. You will do nothing but thank yourself for it later. If you are convinced you could not live without them, then hold on with everything you've got, be prepared for some serious hardship, but know that it will work out roses in the end.

I say give up and find someone else.

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Why would you say give up? Just caue it will be long distance. I mean neither one of us wants it to be this way but this is how things turned out. We cant really do anything about it. I wanted to be with this girl since my freshman year and it took me two years to get her. I dont really know if it is worth it to throw all that away.

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Originally Posted by MOHSHSIHd

thats what EVERYONE says....


a year IS long dude...

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hahaha I know. I was trying to psyc myself up.

i say SIIHB and move on. Once the anal barrier is broken whats left? i mean really.

Since I dont know the future, isnt it better to just let things play out? I would hate to be 20yrs in the future and wonder how things might have been if we stuck it out. Just to break up becauce of distance is kinda dumb in my opinion. But I have never done this before so I have no clue what I am getting into. I have heard that distance/seperation makes the heart grow fonder. Some seperation is good to test out the relationship. We will see each other for major breaks like Thanksgiving, Xmas, Summer...etc. And I will try to fly out on any long weekends we have.

Ignore the people who admit they've never been through this. Its easy to give cliched advice without ever having gone through anything like it.

Is long distance easy? No, not really. I've been away from my GF for almost a year now (2000 miles apart). The times between visits suck, and not being able to be a part of her daily life is a bummer. That said, its not the terrible hardship that the drama queens would have you believe. You get used to not seeing each other but for 4-5 days once every month or so, and you learn to make the most of your time together. I think its given me perspective and helps me not take things for granted.

If the special lady friend is truly special, give it a try. But both of you should have a good talk before you leave: make sure you're on the same page about the expectations you'll both have about the upcoming months. Open communication will be the key to your sanity, and whether or not the relationship survives.

Anywhos, just my 2 cents.

Maybe try taking a break while she gets settled . . . take te expectations out of the relationship, let her get settled (hard to do if your heart is in another place), apply to the school she's going (all CA med schools are great + CA is a great state for recreation, so you can't really go wrong), and see where it goes. Don't force things.

Long distance sucks royally, and it's really hard to move to a new place while wishing you were somewhere else . . . I tend to agree with Lane Meyer.

On the other hand, it is clear from your posts that you have no desire to end this relationship and you're going to make it long-distance. So perhaps you should be asking for tips on how to make that work . . .

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Originally Posted by stump832

Ignore the people who admit they've never been through this. Its easy to give cliched advice without ever having gone through anything like it.

Is long distance easy? No, not really. I've been away from my GF for almost a year now (2000 miles apart). The times between visits suck, and not being able to be a part of her daily life is a bummer. That said, its not the terrible hardship that the drama queens would have you believe. You get used to not seeing each other but for 4-5 days once every month or so, and you learn to make the most of your time together. I think its given me perspective and helps me not take things for granted.

If the special lady friend is truly special, give it a try. But both of you should have a good talk before you leave: make sure you're on the same page about the expectations you'll both have about the upcoming months. Open communication will be the key to your sanity, and whether or not the relationship survives.

Anywhos, just my 2 cents.

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Thanx for your advice.

Do you want opinions and advice or are you just looking for people who will agree with you?

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Originally Posted by Kellie

On the other hand, it is clear from your posts that you have no desire to end this relationship and you're going to make it long-distance. So perhaps you should be asking for tips on how to make that work . . .

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Any pointers that might be helpful for me? I really want to make this relationship work out.

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Originally Posted by iceman

Do you want opinions and advice or are you just looking for people who will agree with you?

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I want some adivce and what other people have experienced.

My two experiences were bad. Perhaps you and the lady are more mature than I and my friends were at the time. Perhaps not.

Good luck, I wish you the best.

try it... if both of you are truly committed then things will work out fine (probably with some bumps in the road but nothing you cant get over). If she finds someone else than your obviously not the guy for her, if you find someone else than shes obviously not the girl for you. It gives you both a year to figure out if your right for each other.

my opinion though is that this could be the greatest thing to happen to you. go crazy and fuck all the ass you can get your hands on. She doesnt have to know about it and if things still work out than youll know that you got all the pussy you could before she makes you realize youll be stuck with that same peice of ass for the rest of your life.

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Originally Posted by hucksquaw

try it... if both of you are truly committed then things will work out fine (probably with some bumps in the road but nothing you cant get over). If she finds someone else than your obviously not the guy for her, if you find someone else than shes obviously not the girl for you. It gives you both a year to figure out if your right for each other.

my opinion though is that this could be the greatest thing to happen to you. go crazy and fuck all the ass you can get your hands on. She doesnt have to know about it and if things still work out than youll know that you got all the pussy you could before she makes you realize youll be stuck with that same peice of ass for the rest of your life.

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ha....paragraph one is totally positive, paragraph 2 is totally depressing...

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Originally Posted by MOHSHSIHd

ha....paragraph one is totally positive, paragraph 2 is totally depressing...

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i like to cover all my bases

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Originally Posted by tranzformer

Since I dont know the future....

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You better get over that attitude before you go to med school.

I say give it a shot. But that's just me. The one thing that can really suck, though, is if the year apart works fine but then when you move out there it goes to shit.

Give it a whirl, but be realistic. You'll grow apart if you move apart, it's inevitable, but that doesn't mean you can't get it together again.

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I have heard that distance/seperation makes the heart grow fonder. Some seperation is good to test out the relationship.

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that "distance makes the heart grow fonder" line is a load. not seeing someone does not nuture a relationship. don't expect to maintain nearly the same level of intimacy that you have now and maybe you won't be as disappointed as you invariably will be. just accept that fact now and try not to dwell on your thoughts of her or your relationship with her. if you do get back together with her, treat her like you've just started dating and build things up again.

if this is your first long distance relationship, go for it. when you come out in the end, for better or worse, you'll have that experience for later.

Where are you considering med school, Tranz? Just curious.

Of course I'm in no position to tell you what to do with respect to initiating a long distance relationship, but I'm can share some pain.

When I left San Diego to do, what I was hoping was going to be a two year postdoc in Portland, I left an incredible woman behind. I knew that I was going to be pretty busy and she had some stuff going on in her life, so it seemed prima facia that we might just make the long distance thingy work out. It didn't. It hurt. Badly. For a long time, too.

A few years later I was in a relationship with someone even better and who was only a three hour drive away. But when shit happens, and it did in multifarious ways that, until that time, I could never have imagined possible, even that seemingly short distance is too far.

So, what am I trying to say? I dunno. Long distance is hard. Even when you've got your shit together, it's hard. But if you've got someone really special, then I say go for it. If it wasn't meant to be, then at least let the relationship run it's course. You did all you could. No regrets.

As someone who is about to successfully end an 18 month separation from my significant other I can tell you two two things:


1. If it's going to work you have to set aside time everyday to talk to eachother. At least 1/2 an hour, at the same time, everyday, no excuses. It's the only way to remain a significant enough part of eachother's lives and it makes the transitions from being apart to being together much more smooth.

2. If it's not going to work you'll know pretty quick, these things deteriorate quickly if they're not meant to be. Pay close attention and you'll see the signs, they're really pretty obvious.

Hang on to the one woman you know loves you. Not b/c you're a doctor or have a great car.

Long distance is hard. Talk every day & try not to stray.

I ain't touching this with a 10,000 ft. pole! ;)

The failure rate is pretty high in L/D relationships, so it's gut check time, homes. I don't think anyone else can tell you how to do it since each relationship is unique.

Best of luck to ya.

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Originally Posted by Dantheman

As someone who is about to successfully end an 18 month separation from my significant other I can tell you two two things:


1. If it's going to work you have to set aside time everyday to talk to eachother. At least 1/2 an hour, at the same time, everyday, no excuses. It's the only way to remain a significant enough part of eachother's lives and it makes the transitions from being apart to being together much more smooth.

2. If it's not going to work you'll know pretty quick, these things deteriorate quickly if they're not meant to be. Pay close attention and you'll see the signs, they're really pretty obvious.

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This is right on.

I never thought that I could do an 18 month LD relationship with DTM, or anyone for that matter. But like Dan says, if it's meant to be you will know pretty quick. We started off as just ski friends and it developed into us getting married in just 3 short months from now.

It's been hard no doubt...but so, so worth it.

I've seen them go both ways. One friend went to school away from her s/o for a year, called him everyday and was simply miserable until she caved in, gave up her goals and moved back home to marry him. I guess that's the upside. I've seen other friends try the long distance thing and fight during phone calls, and when they visit, it's a cry/argue/sex fest that eventually blows up. Doesn't seem like good times. Personally, I did three months away when I was dating my soon to be wife for four years. It was freakin hard for me, but I had enough distractions (at school in NZ, being a tourist as much as possible) to keep my mind off of her. She had a much harder time with it, but we were very commited to each other at that point as we were living together.

You've been with her only 7 months, and you are trying to do the l/d thing? Good luck, you'll need it if you're gonna make this work (or a shitton of cash and free time for plane tickets and phone bills).

I've never been in this situation but I've observed closely a few times.

My observations lead me to believe that they fail for one of two reasons: lack of trust or personal growth.

It just can't work out if you're not a trusting person. That's tough to do, but you HAVE to do it. If you don't think you can do that, I wouldn't bother trying to make it work.

The other reason things don't work out is a good and bad thing. Time apart allows/forces you to think and find out what's important to you. You'll change (for the better) and you may find that your significant other isn't that significant anymore.

A year is a long time... and it will be a tough year, but I sense you're prepared for lengthy challenges if you're considering medical school.

Open communication is definitely the way to go. You won't have the non-verbal cues to sense when each other is having a problem, so you have to say what's on your mind.

I went through the long-distance deal last year, for a solid year, and at the time we'd only being dating for about 7 months too. As a couple others said, having clear expectations and setting aside time to talk as often as you can are key to making it work. The biggest thing that we found to help was always having a goal in mind on how long you would be apart. Open-ended long distance is much harder to maintain, because you're always wondering if it's worth it and when you'll be together. Keep those goals for the relationship, and even for how long it will be between visits. We set a goal to not be apart for more than a month or so at a time, and found that that was really the longest that we could go. Both of us were unsure in the beginning how it would go, but it worked, and now I am very happily living with my girlfriend.

If you move for the relationship and later find out it didn't work out for the best, that will be a prime part of your life you can't re-live over again.

But, if you separate, and just put the relationship on simmer via long distance for a while, that might be the thing that triggers a 'we were really meant for each other' awakening.

conjugal visits = cross-country trips made in a ld relationship.

Been through in several different ways.

First time not so good, just married 4 months and a month after her parents were in plane crash, one face smashed in and one head fucked up. So she had a lot to deal with whereas I was just going on courses. She was in school and we didn't have a ton of cash so only one visit over 5 months. For me it was like a vacation , most of time stayed with parents other time in Montreal with 20 other guys so just had fun. Talked a far bit but she still has bad feelings about it.

Second time-6 months, worked out pretty well. Decided to move west and she found job first and moved out. I stayed until house sold. Lots of visits as I had a ton of miles and a high status so could use anytime I wanted to. Talked a ton on phone , probably more than if I'd been there. Actually worked some things out so over all good for relationship.

I can see it working as she will be busy as hell and so will you. As someone stated need to make time for each other to maintain contact.

pessimistic dick/ Good luck getting into the UC med school loop from out of state (if it is a state school you are looking at). You will need a 3.9, 34, at least one published paper, and at least a few years of solid volunteer service. Not to rain on your parade (you may be einsstein/mother theresa/john holmes) but there is a good chance you wont be going to the same school she is at. Hookers and blow it is. /pd

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Originally Posted by nest

Good luck getting into the UC med school loop from out of state (if it is a state school you are looking at). You will need a 3.9, 34, at least one published paper, and at least a few years of solid volunteer service.

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What's this based on? And what's that "34" supposed to mean?

34 is MCAT score
From UCSF web site (admittedly the most competitive school in Cali but still fairly representative). Keep in mind that only a few slots are saved for out of state students so you have to be waaay above and beyond the averages shown below.

What are the average GPAs and MCAT scores of the entering class of 2003?
Our Successful Applicant Profile states that:

* the average overall grade-point average was 3.76.

* the average science grade-point average was 3.76.

* the average scores on the MCAT were 10 on Verbal Reasoning, 11 on Physical Sciences and 12 on Biological Sciences. (MCAT score 33)

What does the Admissions Committee consider in the initial reviews of my application?
The Admissions Committee looks at:

* GPAs
* MCAT scores

* state of legal residency

* personal statement of the applicant

* the extent and depth of extracurricular activities

* work experience

* honors and awards

* the background of the student

I think Kellie has had the best advice so far. Not a "break" so to speak, but just tell her to have fun--don't ask, don't tell style. Take the pressure off and give her the freedom to do whatever she wants. Because if she wants to, there's nothing you can do about it from far away anyway. The last thing you want is for either of you to feel "stuck" in a long-distance thing. Seven years is a long time to be together, so there's obviously some strength in the relationship. Her heart is obviously with you. Just make sure to turn your imagination off.

Once that's established, follow the "hookers and blow" advice. :)

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Originally Posted by nest

34 is MCAT score

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MCAT! Forgot about that fucker!

Look on the bright side; if the long distance thing doesn't kill your relationship, medical school probably will. :FIREdevil