Tammy Wynette cannot be reached for help-Divorce advice

yeah, it sounds like you are in for a fight

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Originally Posted by Kevo

Why does she deserve half of your income, full custody and the house? Why is that the default arrangement?

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Probably isn't but it is the start of a negotiation however.

So he will come back with - I get the house, full custody and don't pay a dime.

Then she will come back with something, and he will and she will and he will- and the lawyers get it all.

It's an amazing system.

Hey counselor got a bud who was a lawyer in a nearby town, he had lots of assets, there were no kids she left, everbuddy told her she was entitled to half, he said no that is not the law because this is a modern marriage

> 2 years and 100 k in legal fees and he was right, he kept all his shit and she came out of it with < 50K, as you well know a good lawyer likes to deal and stay out of court so if she had dealt with buddy she could have come out of it with 100K instead of owing 100K which would have paid for most of a house up here 20 yars ago BUT she wanted the last word

but this is of course in BC and I think the law may have even changed since then, the op should get a legal opinion where ever he lives eh

fuck man. my only advice is to try to be both a little selfish and strategic when stuff gets real in negotiation/court. i watched my parents settle peacefully but my dad got bent over on a lot of points trying to be the nice guy, largely due to the asset mix and the implications of it. focus on what it will take for you to live a normal life (immediate and long-term) post settlement and work backwards.

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Originally Posted by XXX-er

the op should get a legal opinion where ever he lives eh

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Ya - I think he said he did. But if he didn't I definitely agree with you he should.

It's the starting point in a no-fault state. Courts strive for an 'equitable' financial resolution. Like it or not.

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Originally Posted by Kevo

Why does she deserve half of your income, full custody and the house? Why is that the default arrangement?

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Wouldn't half the house and half the kid be closer to an actual equal?

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Originally Posted by AK47bp

Ouch. Full custody, the house, and half your income for a decade?

You're getting fucked if she gets that.

That sucks ass

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LOL LOL LOL

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Originally Posted by anonalias

So… definitely getting divorced.

We finally separated a few weeks ago. There was some ridiculous back and forth the first couple days… where she moved to the guest bedroom…or started to, but decided sex made more sense. Then I moved out for a night…told her I needed space, and I didn't know for how long… but the next night she decided sex made more sense. I tried several times to shut it down that last time, but she wore me down. It was not a good experience, though. Part of that was because in between, she told me that I'd "basically been raping her for years" on account of how she didn't think she could really say no, even though she wanted to, to the once every week or two schedule we were on. Her batshit FB friends thinking that is one thing…but her taking it to heart pretty much killed any desire I have to ever be intimate with her again.

Some of the FB group stuff was genuinely hilarious, for a while. Things like "give him a couple weeks of doing his own laundry and feeding himself, he'll come crawling back" or "see how much luck he has finding somebody who wants to have sex with him every day and pretend to enjoy it" or "lock your bedroom door, he's obviously a sociopathic sex addict!" They also went off on some really crazy prepare for divorce tangents, like scheduling consults with all the lawyers in a 100 mile radius so that I couldn't get one, or documenting all the shitty mean things I've said or done in the past decade, or whatever. All of which she did (I'd already consulted a lawyer, and my state is no fault, so…she wasted huge amounts of time).

Anyhow, the sex was only ever a part of it, and even that was under the broader umbrella of general physical affirmation and intimacy. At/around the point of separation, she told me she finally, truly recognized that she had basically been a shitty person for years, and that she was going to change. I don't want to question her ability to change for the better - and I really hope she does for the sake of our kids and her future relationships - but I'm just not interested in seeing that through with her.

I'd told her that I need space and time to figure out my head, which she found impossible to give…. Which was always another big issue. I haven't been able to have space, guilt free, for years. This just reinforced that…and eventually she pushed to where I had to tell her I wanted a divorce. I'm not sure that's where I would have ended up, given time, but that's where it is now, and damn is it a relief.

Now we're going through the negotiation phase, which isn't fun. She would like the house (meaning she would like me to make the mortgage payments indefinitely), and she wants full custody, and she wants alimony approximately equal to half of my take home for the next decade. She says her lawyer consults and therapists and everybody else assure her that this is pretty much what the courts will give her. So that's fun….. In the meantime, I live in the guest bedroom and things are just generally fucking weird. But… I have time and space, and opportunity to connect and reconnect with friends I've neglected for years, and things are generally feeling better, even if it's stressful as hell.

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Sorry it worked out like this.

She made some very serious allegations and I'm not sure staying in that house is a good idea, but you need to follow a lawyers advice before you vacate.

She's asking for a lot. If you think she is reasonable try to negotiate to something reasonable and spare yourself the fee's and experience.

But she may be listening to people now that have no skin in the game, are not paying the lawyer, and may even have something to gain.

If Danno permits me saying, I regret being nice. Because sooner or later people have to learn to be reasonable, the sooner the better and hopefully not with your cash. Why? Because you have to raise kids together, and playing the lawyer bullshit for the next 20 yrs is no good for anyone.

I paid for her lawyers and mine (worst scenario ever), and she didn't stop for a second to think until it was all over, and she got her cash But then a late bill arrived from her lawyer, 8k, for some stupid guardian she requested, and as soon as it was her cash being spent, her tune changed.


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Originally Posted by LHutz Esq

Ya - I think he said he did. But if he didn't I definitely agree with you he should.

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Yeah its even worse down there cuz they got 50 states eh?

and when you do get the legal opinion the 1st thing you do is go to the #1 lawyer in town (in PG it was some guy named Robin H back then) that you don't wana be up against for a legal opinion so he can't act for your spouse

Everyone always sez " don't leave the house! " which has to be bulshit from some drug store lawyer named guido ... there is one in every in the lunch room.

AnonAlias - Sucks to hear it's going down that way for you. I'm close to the same stage as you but we listed the house for sale yesterday and we've only been in the house part time and never at the same time. She kept on texting me what she was up to and asking about me all the time, had to nip that one in the bud and told her we should only be discussing the kids, house and separation agreement, no personal communication. That has helped with the healing process, you get so used to downloading your day on a partner, it's going to take some time to get used to it.

Hopefully she figures her shit out in Therapy, that facebook group sounds like cancer to me. You sound like you get what's going on, that's great starting point for healing. I leave the house on my off days, it's been the best choice for me. We're also no fault here but like I said, neither of us wants our boat anchor of a house anyway.

here is my two cents, hang in there and get out, don't stay in the guest room unless you think the marriage can be put back together

I feel for you

most women want the marriage, want your money, want the comfort that your relationship has provided them, they don't want to be out there all alone broke and poor, so she's probably having second thoughts now that everything is becoming a reality instead of some online ranting

the problem is dating sucks just as much as marriage, but the pussy and tits varies so thats the plus, kinda like a candy store with......

had an ex come by to pick up a few of her things the other day, I thought I hid most of the new girlfriends shit, but couldn't remember if the pink bike helmet was hanging in the mud room or not, whew it wasn't there when I opened the door, the ex is all crying asking me if I'm seeing anyone and I tell her no, trying to get her out of the house but it's just not working, then I'm thinking about fucking her, then I realize that's not a good idea, even though she's A plus in bed, just nuts in real life, we're kissing and shit and I wanting to prop her up on the granite counter top, finally she looks in the sink and there is two coffee mugs in there, busted, she says "someone was here this morning? There is two mugs?" Naw.....

This is what you have to look forward too, enjoy being 18 again, most women in their late thirties and forties know how to fuck and don't have many hang ups when it comes to sex, but they all want money and emotional attachment, meanwhile I like to get high ride my bike and ski, they don't get it

POTD!

they just don’t get it

Vibes brutha

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Originally Posted by anonalias

She would like the house (meaning she would like me to make the mortgage payments indefinitely), and she wants full custody, and she wants alimony approximately equal to half of my take home for the next decade.

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Man, money is one thing, but full custody of the kids would make me see red.

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Originally Posted by fastfred

here is my two cents, hang in there and get out, don't stay in the guest room unless you think the marriage can be put back together

I feel for you

most women want the marriage, want your money, want the comfort that your relationship has provided them, they don't want to be out there all alone broke and poor, so she's probably having second thoughts now that everything is becoming a reality instead of some online ranting

the problem is dating sucks just as much as marriage, but the pussy and tits varies so thats the plus, kinda like a candy store with......

had an ex come by to pick up a few of her things the other day, I thought I hid most of the new girlfriends shit, but couldn't remember if the pink bike helmet was hanging in the mud room or not, whew it wasn't there when I opened the door, the ex is all crying asking me if I'm seeing anyone and I tell her no, trying to get her out of the house but it's just not working, then I'm thinking about fucking her, then I realize that's not a good idea, even though she's A plus in bed, just nuts in real life, we're kissing and shit and I wanting to prop her up on the granite counter top, finally she looks in the sink and there is two coffee mugs in there, busted, she says "someone was here this morning? There is two mugs?" Naw.....

This is what you have to look forward too, enjoy being 18 again, most women in their late thirties and forties know how to fuck and don't have many hang ups when it comes to sex, but they all want money and emotional attachment, meanwhile I like to get high ride my bike and ski, they don't get it

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Some very impressive run-on sentencing going on here.

fastfred does not disappoint

fastfred is living the dream, as always


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Originally Posted by fastfred

meanwhile I like to get high ride my bike and ski, they don't get it

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Pure.
Fucking.
Gold.

I'm not really sure if she's using her asks as a starting point in negotiation or if she's drawing a hard line. I'm seriously willing to meet her at an acceptable compromise, but she isn't really the compromising type. Given that…it's feeling more and more like I'm going to have to draw my own hard line and see where that goes. Feels ugly….. I was willing to accept reduced custody if it put us in a functional place for co-parenting, but I kind of feel like that is a pipe dream at this point and probably an unreasonable concession just to achieve functional adulting. Half of our assets are fair, not that we have much. She can have them and I'll smile as I hand them over. Half of my ongoing income? C'mon now…. Giving up my parental rights? ……

I'm not agreeing to make the mortgage payment. Gcooker's description of a boat anchor of a house is probably appropriate. It's a nice house at the corner of 2 cul de sacs, and it'd be great if the kids could stay there. I'd be willing to give up something to let her stay in the house, but not a monthly mortgage payment for the foreseeable future and I'm not willing to stay on the mortgage and wait for her to make the payments. I wouldn't be averse to staying in the house, but the truth is it's probably way too much house for a divorcee who has his kids half the time.

The rape thing really is a horrible thing to get past. To be really clear, I've never been physically or emotionally forceful. Every so often (a couple times a year for the last several years) I'd bring up the fact that my needs weren't getting met, and I'd tell her that it hurt to go weeks without any kind of physical intimacy; that's something I needed in a relationship and if she wasn't interested or there was something else I needed to be doing, well, that's a conversation we needed to have. She, then, felt like she "had to" or face me…being sad….? Anyhow, yeah…didn't put me in a very good place.

My lawyer recommends staying in the house until after conciliation, which should only be a month or so out. At that point, I'm looking to buy some shitty house (but still adequate for kids) to fix up and eventually flip or rent out. We're in a rapidly growing area and the housing market is a little crazy… we'll see what pans out there. Renting is crazy around here, and will run me quite a bit more than a mortgage payment. In the meantime, I'm spending as much time away from the house as possible, which I'm trying to balance with making sure I'm still spending time with the kids…. Brings me to my final gripe: She has the kids sleeping with her in (what used to be) our bedroom. It's weird. It also more or less freezes me out. So I can sort of hang around and be there, but it's awkward and she's almost literally always in physical contact with one of them. The kids seem to like the attention, and she's doing this big "we're a team" thing with her and the kids. I can't really horn in on that without making a silly scene…. So I kind of just awkwardly hang out when I'm there and breathe a sigh of relief when I have somewhere else to be. Normal stuff where I'd actually have some one on one time, like taking my son to basketball practice, isn't happening. This last time, when she realized that I was going to stay and watch the practice, she decided to stay too. Or, when it's time for my daughter's piano lesson, my son would usually stay home with me. No more… he has to sit in the piano teacher's living room and watch the lesson, which sounds fucking awful if you're a 10 year old boy who just wants to play basketball and football.

Thanks for reading and responding, all. It really is helpful. Also, fastfred wins the thread.

Also, too, aside from the stressful bullshit I feel really, really good these days. Back to fighting weight and looking forward to living life.....

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Originally Posted by anonalias

Also, too, aside from the stressful bullshit I feel really, really good these days. Back to fighting weight and looking forward to living life.....

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Great to hear!

You got yourself a vindictive bitch. The best vengeance is living good

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Originally Posted by anonalias

She has the kids sleeping with her in (what used to be) our bedroom. It's weird. It also more or less freezes me out. So I can sort of hang around and be there, but it's awkward and she's almost literally always in physical contact with one of them. The kids seem to like the attention, and she's doing this big "we're a team" thing with her and the kids. I can't really horn in on that without making a silly scene…. So I kind of just awkwardly hang out when I'm there and breathe a sigh of relief when I have somewhere else to be. Normal stuff where I'd actually have some one on one time, like taking my son to basketball practice, isn't happening. This last time, when she realized that I was going to stay and watch the practice, she decided to stay too. Or, when it's time for my daughter's piano lesson, my son would usually stay home with me. No more… he has to sit in the piano teacher's living room and watch the lesson, which sounds fucking awful if you're a 10 year old boy who just wants to play basketball and football.

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that is bullshit and super manipulative

I would have a discussion with her out of ear shot of the children and discuss that you get alone time with the kids

If she doesn't go for it, start taking notes and bring it up with the lawyer

it will come up in court, it sounds like you are in for a rodeo

who is going to pay her lawyer bills, you?

does she work?

It's called parental alienation and you should be documenting it and telling your lawyer.

It's a good reason for her to NOT get primary custody

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Originally Posted by mtngirl79

It's called parental alienation and you should be documenting it and telling your lawyer.

It's a good reason for her to NOT get primary custody

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^^^ ditto what she said.