Man, that was a gripping read!Quote:
Originally Posted by DDsnake
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Man, that was a gripping read!Quote:
Originally Posted by DDsnake
Tears - thank you. Fucking hilariousQuote:
Originally Posted by DDsnake
Ok I got one.
So in high school my younger sister raced cross country skis. Since she couldn't drive herself to an area where she could practice, that duty fell upon me. (I didn't really mind this though since there were a lot of hot girls to talk to who XC skied.) Anyways, while she would XC ski I would do a little trail running loop near the track, mostly to kill time but it was also quite a fun trail especially in the winter.)
One of these days I decided to grab a breakfast burrito on my way to take her to practice. She starts skiing and I start running. It was a VERY cold day (for running), like 15 degrees. But I'm like, "what the hell, if I keep moving I won't get cold". While this is true, I still produced a lot of sweat that day.
I have been running for around 45 minutes and am getting near the end of my loop when I feel it. The shart. It's coming.
"I can make it back to the parking lot and unload my trunk in the pit toilets there." I think to myself. "Yea, that's not bad at all."
I turn of the trail and hit the home stretch of my running loop, a half mile stretch of single lane road leading back to the XC ski trailhead. My pace has quickened with the urgency of the situation. The slight run has quickened to a fast run, and two strides later it becomes a full-on sprint for those pit toilets. Cheeks clenched as hard as possible.
But I still have more than a third of a mile to go.
That's when all shit broke loose.
It started coming out. It didn't care that I was clenching as hard as my gluteus allowed me to. It didn't care that Annika (the hot XC skier) would say hi to me when I got back to the parking lot. IT did NOT care.
I ran to the side of the road and pulled my shorts down to my legs and squatted. It ceased to fill my Synthetic underwear and began to pile and splash on the snow and dead foliage.
Then I experienced the most odd emotion I have ever felt. There was terrible shame and extreme relief at the same time.
Then the wind picked up a bit. It was slight at first and then all at once. I was sweaty and poop-stained. And I quickly became damn cold. I tried to clean myself up but it wasn't doing much. I could not stop shivering anyways.
A Suburban, full of youth XC skiers drives past the scene of the crime. My boxers got thrown into the bushes, so there I am standing with my running shorts in hand, shivering, and naked aside from my fleece pullover. What a sight I must have been.
I pulled my shorts back on and free-balled it all the way home. I never told my parents or my sister.
I was going to write but for some reason all of a sudden
DDS, that was phenomenal. and miserable. and thoroughly entertaining.
This is some next level shit.Quote:
Originally Posted by TomCrac
Shits gettin real
Best thread on tgr
Not nearly as epic as some of the tales in this thread, but since I can't post skiing related content...
12 years ago. Living in Portland with my GF at the time. We had some visitors that were soon to be arriving. Cleaning up the APT. Walked into the kitchen to vent the ol' poop shooter and out came a chocolate pudding torrent. As I stood there wondering about how I came to be in the situation and how I was going to hide my shame, the GF comes walking around the corner. I tell her to stop and turn away. Being a stubborn lass, she continued on intrepidly to investigate the situation. Stopping suddenly in her tracks once she noticed the brown stream coursing down my legs from beneath my shorts. A look of horror crossed her face before she wretched and spewed into the sink. Just then the phone rang. Twas the friends letting us know that they were parking in the lot out front. They were at the door a few minutes later probably wondering about the overwhelming odor of shit and vomit. Married that lady just a few years later.
HAHA -- Wow. Where did my night go?
this content is basically why I subscribe to the forumsQuote:
Originally Posted by river59
Never trust anyone who says they’ve never shit their pants.
My brother once asked me, “Is it better to shit your pants with them on or off?” My answer “depends”.
I have a recent story. I was at the dog park with the wife and kid (and two dogs) a couple weeks ago. This dog park is about 5 blocks away from our house. Turns out it was one block too far. The dreaded rumbling struck me at the park. I handed the leash over to the kid and took off down the hill. Walking quickly turned into a slow run. Not sure if running or walking is the best. Remains to be seen for me. As I was crossing the last street before my house it became painfully obvious I was not going to make it. I still had a small amount of hope in from of my nextdoor neighbor’s house. “Maybe we can contain this to the underwear”. Nope. Full shit down both legs. I actually left a shitty trail on the sidewalk by my driveway. Finished what little was left in my shower whilst rinsing off. Running shoes went into the garbage. Thank god it rained the next couple of days to wash my shame off the sidewalk. Cleaned the shower for about an hour. First time I’ve ever shot my pants sober and it was epic.
If you’re ever wondering if you have to take a shit or not...go for a run.Quote:
Originally Posted by DeepHelmet
good bump, sacred place
i started running again, so should have content shortly
Way to bring back a classic.
I wasn't the shitter, but someone in my group trusted an untrustworthy fart all the way over on Legends chair at Purgatory a couple months ago. Wasn't a full blown leg runner, but wet enough to be "bad news". It was only our 2nd day ever on this mountain, and he's on a snowboard and I'd say a strong intermediate. It's mostly long flat/uphill cattracks back to base. It was a powder day so we pointed him in the right direction and bid him good luck. He thought he had the right trail to get over the last ridge.. he was wrong, the in betweener lifts weren't running and he ended up back at Legends. After loading Legends the first time with "bad news" it was a good 45 minutes by the time he got to the room.
11 years old. Had been hanging out with a cousin who had impressively loud farts. I asked about technique and he said, "when you feel a fart coming on, just push as hard as you can." I had always been a careful farter to keep the brown torrent at bay, but took his advice to heart.
For roughly 3 days I enjoyed a concert of foghorns and broken exhaust notes from my anus. It was glorious.
Then, one morning I felt the mother of all farts stepping up to the plate. Instincts kicked in and I braced, gripping the arm of the couch tightly while increasing inter abominal pressure to magnify the clearly glorious cacophony of gaseous noises that were about to happen.
Instead an explosion of what felt like hot refried beans shot down my legs, out the bottom of my pants. I tried to pump the brakes, but it was too late. My sister shrieked in disgust. I waddled to the bathroom with glue like bean shit down both legs.
I was no longer enthralled with chasing loud farts after that point.
Beautifully written.
I can almost smell it.
Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums
If I recall (very memorable moment obviously, being the first time I shat myself) it smelled of Kentucky Fried Chicken and burning tires.Quote:
Originally Posted by AK47bp
Subsequent pants shittings have not been nearly as memorable, mostly in the "shart" camp. And of course, many near misses.
Thank you for this. It brought me some much needed laughter.Quote:
Originally Posted by The Artist Formerly Known as Leavenworth Skier
Oh man, W. Feel like I was there with you after reading that. As we age - definitely take’r easy with the abdominal pressure and use the brake taps for safety.
some life lessons smell worse than others.
Never trust anyone who says they’ve never shit their pants!Quote:
Originally Posted by kush1
What a glorious tale of exuberant pants soiling!
Many people shit their pants. Many successfully suppress the memory.Quote:
Originally Posted by skizix
Slightly off topic.
At my wedding, one of the groomsmen comes up to me during the reception wearing his street clothes and says “hey buddy, hope you don’t mind if I changed into some other clothes?” Odd, but we’re into the drinking and dancing portion at this point so who cares…no objection offered.
A few days later he gives me the backstory. At some point prior to our reception interaction he had felt the urge, or rather THE GURGLE URGE. Long story short, the targeted bathroom for relief had an occupant which delayed deployment. Ended up aaaalmost making it, but in the final moment explosively half and half shat his tux and the bathroom itself. Called his wife from the bathroom and she went to the car and brought in alternative garb.
Further explained how he had wisely taken the tux insurance option at rental, so on return he walked in, threw the bag of shitty tux at the counter, and ran out without saying a word.
She's the real wingperson.Quote:
Originally Posted by dgilligan02
That seems to be entirely on topic.
Good times. Or was it bad times?
Bump
I've had two memorable situations where I managed to get my pants down but shit all over the back of the toilet and wall. Like a bean dip cannon.
One was at home. It bothered me for 20 years until we finally gutted and remodeled that bathroom.
The other was in the side lobby near the cafeteria of a work location that I was visiting for a week. I was on the phone after eating and waited way too long to run to the bathroom. How I didn't get any on my white pants is beyond me. Dog had a change of heart and didn't completely punish me
. The only wardrobe hit was a small speck on a shirt cuff corner. I washed that as best I could and tightly fold rolled my sleeves. I didn't have to duck out to my hotel room. The bathroom however was a complete loss. Sl8y3d. All over the wall. I got out of there as fast as I could and avoided even the elevator on that side of the lobby on the off chance I got recognized.
What are you doing out of the PR?Quote:
Originally Posted by riser4
Dude, you gotta stay and make an effort to clean it up. That's just wrong.
Back in college.. I was pretty sick once but still went out to play pick up basketball. Made a strong move in the post and shat myself. Ran to the locker room and cleaned myself up and got rid of my shat draws. As i was leaving I had to pass back thro the court so I got pressured to joining the game again. 10 mins in the same thing happened.
There are two types of people:
1) People who have shit their pants
2) Liars
I shit my pants one day on the Bath Bridge heading towards Bath, ME while going to pick up my buddy from rehab. Traffic was locked up tight and I did the deed mid span and had to stew for quite a while. Not fun.
Somebody left the gate unlocked.Quote:
Originally Posted by Meadow Skipper
Almost shit myself in waders the other night. Honestly wasn’t sure I didn’t until I got home. I tore the straps of my wading jacket clean off when I got my hands caught trying to get the fucking thing off right outside the bathroom. Thank god my wife was asleep and didn’t see any of this.
You'll know it when it happens for sure. the doubt just leaves your mind and you say to yourself, "I just shit my self. FUCK!!". And then you feel the unmistakable feeling of turd where it ought not to be. As far as shitting myself in waders well that's whole next level of shit. I usually keep a zip lock of paper towels in my pack for those moments. Maybe a few pieces of paper towel soaked in witch hazel for the clean out.
I haven't read this entire Hall of Fame worthy thread, so maybe this is a repost. It's a classic either way
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Qv25_DFR2k