Older parents-WWYD?

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Originally Posted by Art Shirk

Major vibes to everyone posting in here.

I’m lost on my end so I’m not sure what to expect by posting but any small thread that I can pull will maybe help me or provide a lifeline.

My MIL has gone from a confident independent woman to a near vegetable in the last month. She has finally been diagnosed with a very rare form of lung cancer that is not only rare due to type, but due to the effects it is having on her body.

Her body is fighting itself and she now cannot walk at all, is incontinent, cognitively slow etc. she is living with my wife and I know for the last month and we are on call 24/7 and also at constant dr appointments. Maybe sleep an hour at a time and I need to do everything including hoisting her on the toilet.

We are exhausted. We are awaiting them to start treatment and this cancer is so rare they have no idea if she will ever get her faculties back even if she goes into remission.

We have two kids, full time jobs, and we aren’t equipped to keep this up. My MIL has no real money to speak of but has a house worth a few bucks. Immigrant who did what she needed to do to raise her girls by herself and then scrape by to the end of her days.

She has Medicare with no other supplements. Every single person I talk to from the various social and resource offices and from her insurance have stated that there is zero support they can wrap in that would be in any way covered.

Of course if we have to, we will pay out of pocket but that will bleed us completely dry, especially as the healthcare system is so fucked that her appointments for treatment are so far out. When they do start, my wife will have to quit her job and be with her full time as she will have radiation 2 times a day for 21 days straight. She won’t see her kids, work, do anything else.

Does anyone have any leads for what sort of resources I could tap into to help with in home care, appointment driving etc that isn’t completely out of pocket?

That’s an unfair question as you don’t have all the details, but I am flabbergasted that Medicare doesn’t have some sort of coverage. If she had no family, would she simply rot in her own home?

Fuck I’m lost


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Vibes to you, your wife and your MIL Art. Have you been working with a social worker? They may be able to help but be warned, I found they will give you the worst case scenario so you need to push them.

As asked above how old is your MIL? Does she have a health directive? Is she able to make decisions re: her care? What does her doctor think about moving forward vs. Hospice care?

I know it's a lot for all of you. Try to take it one day at a time, let go of any guilt and do find time for yourself.

((((Hugs))))

Posted in the Covid thread. Reposting here -

Mom just tested positive for Covid. Second bout in 6 weeks. Third time total. She's had all the vax.

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Originally Posted by mcski

How old is she? Honestly, from your description it sounds like she’d be better suited for hospice than trying to fight a cancer battle. I know that’s a hard pill to swallow though when it’s your loved one but your description doesn’t sound like a lot of upside. I highly recommend the book/documentary “Being Mortal” to anyone facing their or a loved ones mortality

If she is in hospice, there are a lot more services available

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Wow. Just reading the reviews for this book on Amazon is enough.

In other news.... just heard from yet another friend going through this with her parents.

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Originally Posted by KQ

Wow. Just reading the reviews for this book on Amazon is enough.
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It’s really good. The documentary is really well done as well and you see the people facing the decisions interviewed at the different stages of their journeys. Highly Recommended

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Originally Posted by mcski

It’s really good. The documentary is really well done as well and you see the people facing the decisions interviewed at the different stages of their journeys. Highly Recommended

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This comment from one review pretty much sums it up:



Older adults may become less capable of caring for themselves in various ways, but for the most part they still want the things they always wanted: autonomy in their schedules and surroundings, community, privacy, a specific and concrete reason to get up in the morning. It’s a hell of a demand, to ask people to adjust to completely new surroundings and routines when they’ve never been older and/or sicker.

That’s part of it but it was also really good at detailing end of life decisions and how easily best intentions get derailed. Everyone says I don’t want to fight if I don’t have quality of life. Almost all of them took it too far. It was fascinating/cautionary/human

My mil was found dead at the foot of her bed today by her husband after he got home from work. My wife is absolutely devastated.

I’ve not dealt with many deaths close to me. I’m feeling very lost right now.

Vibes. Support your wife.

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Originally Posted by Buzzworthy

My mil was found dead at the foot of her bed today by her husband after he got home from work. My wife is absolutely devastated.

I’ve not dealt with many deaths close to me. I’m feeling very lost right now.

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Oh shit, that's awful. Just do your best, we're all lost in that situation. We're pulling for both of you.

Been there done that. It’s awful and a brain fog is normal. Just keep taking deep breaths and don’t let the shock speed up ur decisions. Big vibes

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Originally Posted by Buzzworthy

My mil was found dead at the foot of her bed today by her husband after he got home from work. My wife is absolutely devastated.

I’ve not dealt with many deaths close to me. I’m feeling very lost right now.

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Vibes Buzz, take it easy, better days coming.

Condolences.

Sorry Buzz :(

Even though he's an asshole and a moron I'll always feel bad for my brother for walking in on my mom sitting in her chair with a book in her hands in her lap but she was dead.

Sorry to hear that, and for yours and your family’s loss, Buzz.

Thank you for the kind words.

Echoing above thoughts. Hang tough brother.

Thinking of you Buzz. Take the time to grieve, celebrate her life, and of course be there for your wife. There’s just something different about life without your parents.

Very sorry to hear Buzz. Best thing you can do for your wife right now is to hold her and let her know that she is loved.

I think you have kids, hold them too. This can be a difficult time for them. Be prepared for family members to process their grief in different ways, and be supportive of everyone.

In my case, I held my Mom in my arms as she lay on the floor and I felt the life force slowly leave her body while we waited for the ambulance crew. My grieving was short and I was able to get on with business, handling her estate, etc. My brother on the other hand, was overwhelmed by grief even though he lived 1,500 miles away. It took him six months to get back to normal.

I bring this up because you mention your MIL’s “husband”. If he does not appear to be grieving adequately, do not hold it against him. People process their grief differently. He found her dead body, that may give him closure as it did me, or he could go the opposite direction and be overwhelmed. I have no idea what your wife’s relationship is with this man, but it is important to recognize him as family during this time too.

Most surprising to me was watching my Moms cat grieve. Kitty would sit patiently in front of her empty easy chair waiting for my Mom to reach down and pet her. This lasted at least 3 months.





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My mom is still doing quite well at her age, but she fell last month. I'm not super concerned about it- she fell asleep watching TV and fell getting up out of a rocker-style Lazy-Boy. We made her get a more solid chair so it's easier to push off of when she gets up, but we think she should probably have some sort of watch or medi-alert necklace just in case.

Anybody have something to recommend? Some of these cost a ton for the subscription, too- which she can afford but I feel like they're just gouging seniors and it annoys me.

A cell phone?

my mom was 90 had lots of money but wouldn't pay for the medic alert thing wouldn't take her meds, collapsed on the kitchen floor overnight

At that age what would seem to be dementia is induced by the trauma so the pro's look for the dementia to lessen as the patient gets better

ended up in hospitol and never really made it out

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Originally Posted by SB

A cell phone?

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You keep your phone in your pocket all day? Mine sure isn't, let alone my mom's.

Seems the subscriptions are $29-50/month? Seems worth it. My 80+ pop fell and probably wouldn't have spent the night on the living room floor waiting for a neighbor to find him if we had it.

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Originally Posted by goldenboy

My mom is still doing quite well at her age, but she fell last month. I'm not super concerned about it- she fell asleep watching TV and fell getting up out of a rocker-style Lazy-Boy. We made her get a more solid chair so it's easier to push off of when she gets up, but we think she should probably have some sort of watch or medi-alert necklace just in case.

Anybody have something to recommend? Some of these cost a ton for the subscription, too- which she can afford but I feel like they're just gouging seniors and it annoys me.

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My MIL is going through some health issues, my wife and siblings settled on placing a few alexa units that can call by voice command.
they considered medic alert but didn't love that it always dispatched 911.

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Originally Posted by Cisco Kid

Seems the subscriptions are $29-50/month? Seems worth it. My 80+ pop fell and probably wouldn't have spent the night on the living room floor waiting for a neighbor to find him if we had it.

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yup and when that happens they get really screwed up

something on a lanyard around the neck hopefully

which does not necessarily mean they will wear it or use it

buy exspensive hearing aids but they need batteries

we used to say even my mom could hear

she wouldn't listen

edit: the alexa thing sounds pretty smart should work well if they don't go out