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Its really about the need and the situation.
If its an all hands on deck gonna wreck the world shit a'comin.
Go for the first, slay the shit out of it, and be proud.
Otherwise its a quick visual inspection if possible and snag what looks to be the safest.
Selection criteria in priority order:
1. Adquate supplies for the job (TP, Ass gasket, etc.) Reasaon: You can hover or mop up stray splashback off the seat in dire situations, however your ass cannot be mopped up without the proper tools. This is a controling factor in selection.
2. Cleanlyness. Reason: Only second to supplies since the hover method or DIY cleaning can be applied when necessary.
3. Door locks. Usually simple to defend against, however, it's not something you want to be worrying about mid-grunt
4. Post grunt supplies. Need to check preflight that there is enough material to wash up proper after killing it.
5. Ventilation. Best not to fall on your own sword, let alone the green clouds of others. Related to #6 and #8
6. Estimated traffic flow (any paticular stall). The less likely the toilet is used, the better. Usually the stall closest to the urinals is the paranoid pisser's stall, and the farthest is the highest use for squatters. A solid middle stall is key. One holers are not recommended.
7. Space. Bigger = better, though handicrappers see more traffic. See #4, comprimises can be made for cleanlyness
8. Estimated traffic flow (entire restroom). Unless 5Lay!ng restrooms is a point of honor at the watercooler, quite ones are prefered.
9. Intangables. The executive's toilet, granite counters or tile, funny messages on the wall, etc. All the minor plesentries.
The toilet paper must be feeding from the top of the roll. If it feeds from the bottom of the roll, I MUST move to the next stall.
I am positively frightened to say that as I was scrolling down and saw slider had posted, I knew this would be his post. I remember it from a related discussion (only because I suggested the next time he has mags over his house, we make a point of flipping all the rolls of TP).Quote:
Originally Posted by snow_slider
If I could, I would save all my can-time until I got to Snowbasin :D
We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate
pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in
your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from.
Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been
expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for
other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.
Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if
they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop
in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If
you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If
you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear
it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a
joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen,
do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare
everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in
and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not
exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see
an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet
Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes
Off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
Expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This
will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force
The door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye
contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are
in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential
Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you
are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied.
If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can
poop in peace.
WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended
lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle
Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always
wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the
other bathroom attendees.