A Rational Choice Model of Public Toilet Stall Selection

[Rontele]

I know everytime that numero dos comes knocking at the proverbial public bathroom stall door, each and everyone of you engages in some sort of rational choice regarding which stall to stake a claim and leave a dump in. Please discuss your rationale.

[pechelman]

always try to go during non peak hours, ie during everyones normal lunch time vs after. also choose less frequented shitters.

pick the stall that has the least chance of anyone being your neighbor.

If I ever needed it, Im lucky because I have a special access card to a restricted area that has a bathroom inside. I never see anyone use it.
I never go there myself cause the other right outside is always a good location since it has the highest stall per potential shitter ratio of any other in the building.

[GagePLoungin]

1- pre-dump conditions. Is there already a brown dragon that has laid claim to its turf? If so, did it destroy/clog the toilet?

2-blissful isolation. I'm not the kind of guy that farts in an elevator. Less people=better

3- check the tp sitch-- enough said

[Rontele]

always try to go during non peak hours, ie during everyones normal lunch time vs after. also choose less frequented shitters.

pick the stall that has the least chance of anyone being your neighbor.

If I ever needed it, Im lucky because I have a special access card to a restricted area that has a bathroom inside. I never see anyone use it.
I never go there myself cause the other right outside is always a good location since it has the highest stall per potential shitter ratio of any other in the building.

These are all good points. Like the first shitter is always avoidable because that is the one most trodden upon. But that works off the assumption that Americans are lazy and will seek out the path of least resistance, in which case, if this assumption is incorrect, then the first stall may be the least trodden upon.

There is a "special bathroom" for the "judges only" in our mock courtroom at school. Since it is never used, it is a throne upon which I coronate nearly every morning, alone and satisfied of its sanctity and cleanliness.

[cj001f]

I'm a communist. I leave little turds in every stall - and steal everything thats not bolted down.

[GagePLoungin]

Also, if you're in the car find a fast food place. Gas stations and 7-11 type places will often make you ask for a key. Fast food places have a 2nd door that's steps from the john. In/out, gone before they know you're there.

[P_McPoser]

I usually chose the one-hole bathroom around the corner from my office, a little further than the Admin. changing/shower room with its 10 stalls, but I like my privacy!

Underground I have no choice but porta-shitters,which are surprisingly the cleanest porta-shitters in the world!

[XtrPickels]

These are all good points. Like the first shitter is always avoidable because that is the one most trodden upon. But that works off the assumption that Americans are lazy and will seek out the path of least resistance, in which case, if this assumption is incorrect, then the first stall may be the least trodden upon.

I actually believe that because the first is closest to the door and see the most people walk by it... people tend to avoid using it. By going further from the door you gain privacy/ are sheltered next to the wall.

I pick the first stall after a visual inspection

[irul&ublo]

I know everytime that numero dos comes knocking at the proverbial public bathroom stall door, each and everyone of you engages in some sort of rational choice regarding which stall to stake a claim and leave a dump in. I always go to the last one, where its easier to pick up men. Please discuss your rationale.

.................

[smalls]

never the handicapped stalls, as those almost always experience the heaviest traffic. also i generally avoid the stall closest to the entrance, as that is where people will most likely take their browns to the super bowl in case of emergency. and i'm not trying to use the same toilet as those who just deposited their poo-poo splatter platter.
so i suppose one of the middle ones that is a) the cleanest and b) has bountiful t.p.

[iceman]

never the handicapped stalls, as those almost always experience the heaviest traffic. also i generally avoid the stall closest to the entrance, as that is where people will most likely take their browns to the super bowl in case of emergency. and i'm not trying to use the same toilet as those who just deposited their poo-poo splatter platter.
so i suppose one of the middle ones that is a) the cleanest and b) has bountiful t.p.

This is the correct rationale.

[ddsnake]

I stole this :

Shameful Shitters: have I got a crutch for you!
I like to call it The Ass Muffler. It's a technique I developed years ago. We all know how difficult it can be for the faint at heart to take a nice healthy crap in a public restroom. Paranoia sets in, and we are absolutely sure someone can hear us, even though the Shameless Shitters would have us think that no one really cares.

For me, the shame set in because when I crap, I always let out some extra air, and sometimes it catches the attention of my fellow bathroom occupants. Often it's a nice fart, but if I have loose crap it can sound like a babbling brook. Now, normally I like to make people laugh, but there's something about the combination of things coming from my ass and complete strangers laughing that just doesn't sit well with me. Public bathrooms usually have a great echo, and I am always certain that the sounds I make are being broadcast to the hallway for any passer-by to chuckle about. Something HAD to be done.

That's when I invented the Ass Muffler.

To tame the sound effects, I decided to wad up a huge ball of toilet paper, hold it firmly over my poop shoot, and let it rip. The result was a warm vibration in my hand, but NO SOUND! I was so happy and relieved -- now I could fart in public bathrooms without getting the attention of others!

After I realized the Ass Muffler was great for suppressing out of control fart sounds, I decided to try it once when I had a rather runny day.

I used the same technique, but this time allowed a bit more room for the slimy delivery to slip through the back door. When combined with drippy poo, the Ass Muffler completely eliminates the splashing sound that usually occurs when my ass spackle hits the back of the bowl. Since the air does not have as much room to break free, the resulting sound resembles that of a hissing snake, or a bit like opening a jar of Planter's Peanuts.

For a nice solid crap, the Ass Muffler works in two different ways. The first way is to form a toilet paper slide for the turd, to quietly help it find its way to the water without the ker-plunk. If you guide it straight to the water, you still have control of the air release. The second way -- I have to admit it's a bit grosser -- you hold the toilet paper over your shit hole, forming your hand into a cup, and basically shit into your hand, discretely dropping the package into the bowl when done.

The most important part of the Ass Muffler technique is the amount of toilet paper you use. This is not a single square job -- unless you want to spend the next twenty minutes washing your hands. Make sure you have a very generous supply of toilet paper, and don't forget to leave yourself enough to wipe afterward. The more paper you use, the less noise you will emit, and isn't that the whole point?

[G]

I shit in the sink.

[Squatch]

...basically talks about holding your own shit...

Whoever came up with that has got serious issues.

[Woodsy]

I employ the middle stall technique in our 3 hole office, pending visual inspection of course.
I ahave also been known to walk acros the street to one of 2 ginormous hotels there. AS ispend a lot of time in them for events and with clients, I know where multiple BIG bathrooms are. Depeneding onlocation and buisness levels, there is often a lot of privacy plus these restrooms get cleaned 3 times a day and there is usually a free paper in the lobby

[Buster Highmen]

To properly address this issue, we must first define the following types:
Poopeme.
Grunteme
Flusheme.

While the Poopeme can be resolved via current approaches to morphology conceive of poopemes as rules involving the sphinctorial context, rather than as isolated pieces of rectal matter. They acknowledge that

1) smelling may be directly linked to suprasegmental phrenological units, such as tone or stress.
2) the meaning of a poopeme with a given form may vary, depending on its immediate environment.

Ther remainder of the definitions are left as an exercise to the Pincher of Loaf.

[MarsB]

I like to call it The Ass Muffler. It's a technique I developed years ago...

I am a Class V practicioner of this art. Did not know it had a name. The 'mercy flush' is key to operation.

I generally go for the handi stalls 'cause I like my space. The unisex stalls with the baby changing tables are often pristine and usually unoccupied.

[72Twenty]

I just go shit out back in the alley by the dumpster.

[acostiga]

when i worked in a cubicle-filled office, the correct answer was to find the toilets closest to the executive cubes/offices. they keep the bathrooms cleaner for the big-wigs.

now that i work in a school, it's all about the staff-only bathroom in the office (next to the principal's office). nobody spends time around there if necessary

[Camilo]

Not one mention of glory-hole avoidance? My buddy found one in a 20 stall bathroom at USC, between last 2 stalls.

Question: If you do happen to find a glory-hole in a bathroom, where would you go? Nearest available stall or another bathroom altogether? I figure it depends on how desperate you are . . .

[rideit]

Wow, what an informative and useful thread!

[bc]

Not one mention of glory-hole avoidance? My buddy found one in a 20 stall bathroom at USC, between last 2 stalls.

Question: If you do happen to find a glory-hole in a bathroom, where would you go? Nearest available stall or another bathroom altogether? I figure it depends on how desperate you are . . .

The last stall is occupied. Use the second to last one.

[PaSucks]

I shit in the middle of the floor to avoid making the toilet decisions. Sometimes I use the urinal, but not since Stan did it on South Park.

[Obstruction]

End stall with the ass gasket.

There are only three in the row where I usually visit so the next shitter will be forced to occupy an adjoining stall if I hit the middle trail.

[snowsprite]

Such creative shitting techniques we have here...if we could only bottle that creativity for use at any time we'd be fucking rich! Or at least self-publish a "shitter's guide" and gain some noteriety.

Sprite