Tammy Wynette cannot be reached for help-Divorce advice

I can't remember anon's situation but if his soon to be ex has been a stay at home mom or working making far less than him she does probably deserve something beyond child support. It's very hard for a woman to restart a career after leaving the work force for some time, it get's harder the longer she's out. If her staying at home or working part time was part of the bargain struck then she deserves something other than child support. How much is usually determined by how old she is, the length of the marriage, spouses earnings and her potential for reentering the work force and how long it will take for her to reach a parity with where you are now.

Of course you can try and be fair and work out a mutually satisfying agreement or you can fight it out. If you try and fight it out as the high earner you run the risk of paying out even more in alimony/maintenance and child support. That will depend on the circumstances of course.

Wether an ex decides to remarry or not and re-enter to workforce or not isn't really your concern after the divorce is final as long as you both abide by the term of the decree.

Best advice I got from the lawyer I consulted before I did my own divorce was 'try not to be an asshole'.
You can look at this as the dissolution of a partnership and try for an equitable, not necessarily equal, split or you can be bitter, greedy and spiteful and not consider the time you both put into the partnership.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Kevo

Anon-


-She'll have every incentive to never formally get married in the future. You'll be paying her to not formalize any relationship in the future so that she can continue to recieve your money.
-She isn't going to increase her income if you go down this path she laid out for you. Why would she go through all the hard work of bettering herself and getting a job when she can sit around and collect your money?

---

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by AaronWright

I can't remember anon's situation but if his soon to be ex has been a stay at home mom or working making far less than him she does probably deserve something beyond child support. It's very hard for a woman to restart a career after leaving the work force for some time, it get's harder the longer she's out. If her staying at home or working part time was part of the bargain struck then she deserves something other than child support. How much is usually determined by how old she is, the length of the marriage, spouses earnings and her potential for reentering the work force and how long it will take for her to reach a parity with where you are now.



You can look at this as the dissolution of a partnership and try for an equitable, not necessarily equal, split or you can be bitter, greedy and spiteful and not consider the time you both put into the partnership.

---

Possible truth in both of these. But you have to be comfortable that you're not being a complete ass. Trust me from the kids point of view. I know of a situation (not me but very close to home) where a divorce happened 30 years ago. The mom had a degree, but had been a stay at home mom for many years. As part of the divorce the dad paid for her to get a master's degree as well as alimony. He had full custody of the kids. 30 years later she never got a job (after the master's degree) and she never remarried (by design) and dad still pays alimony. Dad went on to make quite a bit more money and is living large. Mom only gets the alimony based on the income at the time of the divorce, which is pretty small based on 30 years later. Kids get so pissed at dad for living large while mom struggles. (yeah, WTF. Mom should have gotten a job after that master's degree). But it's their mom and they feel bad for her, so dad is the ass.

I don't know what the point is I guess. Just, try not to be an ass. But maybe the time limit on alimony is a good idea. Some incentive to get her own good job if it isn't already there.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by hikesalot

Possible truth in both of these. But you have to be comfortable that you're not being a complete ass. Trust me from the kids point of view. I know of a situation (not me but very close to home) where a divorce happened 30 years ago. The mom had a degree, but had been a stay at home mom for many years. As part of the divorce the dad paid for her to get a master's degree as well as alimony. He had full custody of the kids. 30 years later she never got a job (after the master's degree) and she never remarried (by design) and dad still pays alimony. Dad went on to make quite a bit more money and is living large. Mom only gets the alimony based on the income at the time of the divorce, which is pretty small based on 30 years later. Kids get so pissed at dad for living large while mom struggles. (yeah, WTF. Mom should have gotten a job after that master's degree). But it's their mom and they feel bad for her, so dad is the ass.

I don't know what the point is I guess. Just, try not to be an ass. But maybe the time limit on alimony is a good idea. Some incentive to get her own good job if it isn't already there.

---

There usually is a time limit on alimony unless otherwise agreed or the marriage was like 30+ years and the recipient of the alimony was at home. The court will take into consideration the length of the marriage and ages of spouses.

And yes, like my lawyer stated, 'try not to be an asshole'.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by anonalias

I do not give a fuck about the money. His argument is that I sure as shit will 5 years from now.... I'm not sure I'm convinced.

---

Speaking as a CPA You sure as fuck will. Attorney spot on. the most dangerous thing, the thing that makes me wince professionally, is when I watch people become emotional with money. I've watched a lot of small fortunes become an awful lot smaller, and I've watched a lot of regret over the years. assumuing your attorney has been doing this at least 10 years in your area, listen to him/her.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by anonalias

Thanks all.

Had an interesting weekend. We de-escalated a little bit, and agreed to work together to make this not blow up in everybody's face and burn everything down. Out of that came a tentative custody agreement (less than 50/50, but something I can live with), a general understanding of my plans to leave the home, and a general outline in re: to spousal support (loosely, an amount designed to leave her with approximately half of our current combined take home, inclusive of child support and any other bills that I pay, that goes away if she gets married and declines over time, but would be in effect for 10 years otherwise). The payoff for having terms that we can each live with is that we get to have a functional relationship and actively facilitate each other's relationships with the kids. Along with that we actually had a good weekend. Co-parented. Participated in stuff together with the kids. Didn't feel on edge every minute the other was in the house.... big relief.

The hearing to kick me out was this morning. We both talked to our lawyers in advance, and told them what we had generally agreed to. Then the lawyers went and had their own conference. My lawyer refused to agree to anything in re: spousal support. To be fair, she muffed up the math a little bit in her explanation to her lawyer... though I don't believe that was intentional. In any event, my lawyer kicked out that part. When she found out that my lawyer kicked out that part, she kicked out the rest of it. Claws back out. Fuck. Me.

Anyhow, tried to save it, but my lawyer wouldn't have any of it. While I'm firmly convinced that I could get away with paying a lot less if I dragged it through court, that's at the expense of our souls. I do not give a fuck about the money. His argument is that I sure as shit will 5 years from now.... I'm not sure I'm convinced.

Anyways, now looking to sort this out sans lawyers. Maybe an awful idea, maybe the only idea.... I'm not really sure.

---

spousal support is bullshit

she has a career and has made choices. it's time for her to join the real world and be a parent and have a career. spousal support is not child support. you do not in any way owe your wife money.

It goes like this (for both/any parties):

1) Ignore attorney, negotiate with spouse and force attorney to make it so- walk away feeling you gained some peace of mind through closure; bitch about it for years later dealing with your horrible negotiating skills;
2) Don't involve attorneys at all from the start (too late for you); negotiate with spouse, move on; or
3) Hire attorneys, let them battle it out; walk away thinking you overpaid, got dragged through the muck, deal with short term resentment, and long term security.

The absolute worst case scenario that will guaranty that you will be dealing with dissolution shit for many many years is when you blend the use of an attorney and your own attempts to do this your way. Guaranteed pure hell.

Take your equal custody with the kid, the child support is a pure math equation, and even if it comes down to the judge deciding, the kids interest will come first.

Pick how you want to feel about your spouse and their impact on your life 1 year, 5 years, 10+ years down the road, both financially, and psychologically.

Many will say your lawyer should go to hell, but that person is being paid by you, by your own choice, to represent your best interests in a time when you are very clearly not able to maintain an objective perspective on those interests. Very smart to consult a CPA too.

And always remember that your spouse does not hold all the cards at all. It takes only one person to bleed it out. You should always be prepared for that and consider it as a cost of getting married. You dealt with it for years, you made the choice to marry this person, now put on your last clean pair of endurance sneakers and take your medicine, it will help you hurt less.

Ultimately marriage is just a contract. How you choose to negotiate, and whether you let emotions inform that negotiation is your choice, but there are serious economic and psychological implications as to how this will impact your life from here on out (just like in the beginning). Why should it be any different?

that's good shit right there 'mark.

wow, unless your lawyer first explained to you that he thought your agreement gave too much away and then you agreed to his move to whack the spousal support, he should not go against your wishes. And while not an expert here, there are ethical issues in doing that. You had an agreement in principle and could have avoided expensive (financially and emotionally) and protracted litigation. That's fucked.

If you have a good feeling about your lawyer TRUST THEM...this is what you're paying for.

Also not a bad idea to see a CPA like mentioned. Preferably a CPA who specializes in matrimonial...yes they exist.

Not sure i have a good feeling about anything these days.

Moving this week/weekend. Not sure I’ve ever so looked forward to something i absolutely dread before. Moving out is going to be absolutely fucking miserable and heart wrenching, while a massive relief and a necessary step for us both to begin healing. If i had a vice to bury myself in i would have OD’d by now.

Hang in there.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by anonalias

Not sure i have a good feeling about anything these days.

Moving this week/weekend. Not sure I’ve ever so looked forward to something i absolutely dread before. Moving out is going to be absolutely fucking miserable and heart wrenching, while a massive relief and a necessary step for us both to begin healing. If i had a vice to bury myself in i would have OD’d by now.

---

I take possession of my new place Thursday, moving Friday and getting the house ready for the kids to come for their first night Saturday. Of course I'll have to clean up after all the hookers and blow from Friday night.
I hear ya Anon, I'm still dealing with bouts of anxiety but things are steadily improving and I've got lots of things to look forward to. Ski trip solo, with friends , with the kids, a new business venture etc. I'm trying to do as much shit as I can that I wasn't "allowed" to do while in my marriage, and honestly, it's fucking awesome.

I went through the "just want it over" and not caring about the financial part of the divorce.
It basically handcuffed any relationship I had moving forward with a large bill every month.
If you want to give more you can but "do not " sign up for it.
You can always set up a bank account for the kids,wife if you want. And deposit what you feel is fair.
Your future wife will hate the fact you sabatoged your income.
My ex never remarried but had another kid while living off my income.
It definitely happens.

Sent from my SM-N900V using TGR Forums mobile app

Right. I’m betting that it won’t. A shitload.

Related note: she’s getting wrist tats. Commentary on future employment prospects with wrist tats? I️ don’t really get to have an opinion, and not trying to.... just seems like a bad idea from the perspective of her supporting herself ever.

^^ You dodged a bullet there. Wtf?

Anon and Gcooker, hang in there. It's kind of a bitch suddenly being on your own for a while. Seems really weird in some ways, but there are definitely good things about it and you will feel like there's movement instead of stagnation.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by anonalias

Related note: she’s getting wrist tats. Commentary on future employment prospects with wrist tats? I️ don’t really get to have an opinion, and not trying to.... just seems like a bad idea from the perspective of her supporting herself ever.

---

look on the bright side ... it could have been face tats

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by anonalias

Related note: she’s getting wrist tats. Commentary on future employment prospects with wrist tats? I️ don’t really get to have an opinion, and not trying to.... just seems like a bad idea from the perspective of her supporting herself ever.

---

Sounds classy as fuck.

Maybe give DD her number?

Chicks going crazy. Wrist tattoos is a 'don't give a fuck' move. Don't support her more then you have to, since it sounds like she's preparing to live comfortably off your income, forever.

Out of curiosity, What's the tattoo say? My guess is, family initials or 'I like anal'

Happy to hear your finally moving out. It'll be an important step for closure and beginning your new life.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by anonalias

Not sure i have a good feeling about anything these days.

Moving this week/weekend. Not sure I’ve ever so looked forward to something i absolutely dread before. Moving out is going to be absolutely fucking miserable and heart wrenching, while a massive relief and a necessary step for us both to begin healing. If i had a vice to bury myself in i would have OD’d by now.

---

BTDT. Worst time of my life. But it gets better, honest.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by anonalias

Related note: she’s getting wrist tats. Commentary on future employment prospects with wrist tats? I️ don’t really get to have an opinion, and not trying to.... just seems like a bad idea from the perspective of her supporting herself ever.

---

NW_SKIER once made this comment to me while in a bar - seems appropriate under the circumstances:
"Hmmm, I see that woman has visible tattoos
That means she sometimes makes bad decisions
Maybe I can be her next bad decision..."

6 wks...?

BBI?

Please congratulate the groom and groom.

Congratulations, boys. Nice to see a bright spot in an otherwise grey thread.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Meadow Skipper

BTDT. Worst time of my life. But it gets better, honest.

---

This. It's a mother fucker of a time to get through.

“Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found.”

― Pema Chödrön