Ninja's never forget, now you must die.
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Ninja should never enter the Ultimate Fighting Championship.
Never scream just before attacking another ninja from behind. This will only alarm the ninja that you are about to do something funky.
Always wear a mask. You never know when you will see someone that you don't want to see you. TIP: (read this over and over till it makes sense)
Always carry a spare ninja uniform. You never know when you will need to change into something less dirty in mid-battle.
Never store shuriken in your underwear.
Try to use the swords of your enemies whenever possible. This way you can throw them into other bad ninja without having to worry about retrieving it later.
When trying to stop a run-away golf cart its best to pick up the back end (with hand if possible) so the wheels just spin in the air while the occupants start to get scared.
When fighting on the golf course, crushed golf balls make a good blinding powder. Just grip the golfball firmly between thumb and for-fingers, and then squeeze!
When necessary, the ninja star can be thrown with ninja toes. For example, say you are trying to gain entry into an airborne helicopter. You are using both hands to hold on and you want to plant a shuriken in the eyeball of the pilot, what do you do? Shuriken with ninja feet!
Instead of forging your own calthrops, you can simply use the kids toy "jacks". If you are a evil ninja, you can just steal them from a child, or even a lesser-ninja.
Simple way to tell what time it is without a clock is to call the local phone operator and ask them. Simple, but effective. Don't tell them your name.
When preparing for battle, take some time to do all the hand signs of kuji-in. You will feel better and look cool at the same time.
Always run sideways when possible. With proper application you can run through walls.
When jumping far distances, always roll up into a ball. It will give an extra 50 feet of jumping height.
Want to jump higher? Plant a corn stalk. As it grows each day jump over it. Gradually you will increase your jumping height as the corn grows.
Always use your ninja names when speaking to each other in battle. Don't let sneaky golfers listen in to your conversations and wreck your plans.
Try to fight in mid-air whenever possible.
Try to keep your weapons on display, even in storage. You never know when you will need them to look pretty for a pre-revenge scene.
Wearing black eyeliner is good for blending in with the environments. Especially good for public missions where photo ops may arise. Don't forget to wear your mask.
Guidelines for stealth walking
- Maintain balance control by allowing your body weight to sink and be carried by deeply flexed knees.
- Remember to breathe along with your movement. Unconsciously holding your breath can unknowingly produce unneeded muscle tension, and could result in gasping release of breathe if you are startled or accidentally unbalanced.
- Stay alert to the entire scene. Do not become so engrossed in watching your feet that you do not notice other people an elements entering the surroundings.
- Use all joints for movement, emphasizing fluidity through the engagement of the ankles, knees, and hips for stepping. Avoid the lazy and dangerous habit of stiffening knees and swinging the entire leg from the hip.
- Maintain your weight and balance on your grounded leg while you move the other leg into position to bear the weight. When absolute silence is a must, avoid distributing your weight over both legs at the same time.
- If practical, allow your hands to float lightly in front of and beside your torso, one arm higher and one arm lower, to detect possible obstructions before your committed body weight encounters them.
- Pause and hold your position if you feel that you have accidentally caused too much noise. Listen for signs that you were heard, such as the movement of others or the immediate silencing of background noise following your slip. Sink a little lower on your knees to physically relax that could normally jump into your body with alarm. Take a deep breathe and release it slowly to further relax. Continue your pause for as long as you feel is necessary to regain composure and allow possible listeners to decide they did not hear anything after all.
- Be as patient as possible. If speed of travel is not important, take as much time as you can. Impatience and the resultant hasty movement that it encourages are the greatest dangers to the person who must move silently without detection.
- Keep your movement appropriate to your surroundings. Do not go to greater lengths than necessary to conceal your movement, while at the same being aware of what others entering the area may see if they cannot hear. Total silence may not be needed when moving through wooded or densely populated areas where scattered noise is a natural part of the environment. Also be aware that low profile crawling or sliding ma be the only way to move silently without being seen in some locations.
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING PICTURES ARE QUITE GRAPHIC AND MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR WUSSIES
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Every now and then, you are going to encounter an idiot. These guys are everywhere.... but for some reason they seem to congragate near coffee shops. You can usually spot an idiot by their poodle. Another dead give-away that you are dealing with an idiot - the medallion they wear on their bare chests.
Some idiots are pretty harmless and will keep to themselves. Some idiots must bother people, like it is their personal mission in life to piss people off. Well, be that as it may, even an idiot should know better than to fuck with a ninja.
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The first thing you have to do when an idiot attacks is to block the attack. This particular idiot chose his beer bottle as his main weapon of choice, backed with a polka-dot poodle. This is a very dangerous combo. The bottle is easily blocked, but the poodle can be used as a throwing device, an explosive, a swinging-club-like weapon, or it may even fire projectiles! Nobody really knows for sure but the idiot wielding the poodle.
You must stop the idiot and his bitch by any means necessary. In this case, a swift kick to the pants does the trick. Make sure to kick hard enough to take the idiot up off the ground. If done properly the idiot should drop the poodle.
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Now, most idiots would just give up after a swift kick in the pants, but not this one. This medallion wearing idiot pulls a gun and gives no choice but to use the poodle. The very polka-dot poodle that was used against you now makes a fine weapon. Beat him stupid with his very own bitch. (We do not advocate animal abuse in any form, but we are talking about poodles here. Do they even count as an animal?)
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After giving the idiot a good beating make sure to place him in plain view for everyone to see. Make him a display for all other idiots. Take this opportunity to teach the idiots that you just DON'T FUCK WITH A NINJA!
This pretty much goes without saying, but make sure to strike a really cool pose and hold it for a while. Remember, you are representing all ninja out there, and it is your responsibility to look awesome!
