The most offensive joke thread

[horizon]

Why did Jesus die?

He forgot the safe word.

[superstator]

re-de-lurk, for some generic insert-a-stereotype jokes:

Two Mexicans are walking down the street, when they see a dog licking its own balls. "Man, I wish I could do that," the first ones says. And the second one replies: "Shouldn't we pet it first?"

An Italian, a Chinese, and a Mexican are marooned on a desert island. One day, they stumble across a lamp in the sand. They give it a rub, and out pops the genie. "Since you found me together, I'll grant one wish each. Decide!". The italian hardly hesitates before he says "I wish I had a big fancy yacht to sail home in!" Poof, a 100 foot yacht with full crew appears, and the italian sails into the sunset. The chinese man says, "I wish I had a graceful old junk to take me home!" Poof, a beautiful junk appears, and the chinese man sails away. The Mexican is left scratching his head. "Gee, it sure is lonely here now. I wish they hadn't left..."

Q: What do you have when you set 20 Mexicans on fire?
A: A good start.

And I saw some no-arms-no-legs jokes, so here's a couple more:

What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a bush? Russel.

What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a mailbox? Bill.

What do you call a hooker with no arms and legs in a pot of boiling water? Blanche
(full credit to my chef friend for that one)

(edit) Forgot my MJ:
Q: Why did Michael Jackson get fired from McDonalds?
A: They caught him slipping 40-year-old meat into 9-year-old buns.

[Mustafa]

A little black kid is helping his mother make cookies. He takes a handful of flour and throws it on his face and says "look mom, I'm white now!"

mother slaps the kid across the face and yells "go show your father what you've done"

kid runs into the next room and shows his father "look daddy, I'm white"

father belts the kid across the face and says "go show your grandfather what you've done"

kid runs up to his grandad and says "look grandpa, I'm white"

grandpa slaps the kid once again

Kid backs up and starts yelling "I've only been white for 2 minutes and I alREADY hate you niggers!"

[yonskion]

why does Micheal Jackson like twenty eight year olds?
Because there is twenty of them.

[Mr. Belvedere]

A prostitute was having her appendix taken out and told the doctor not to stitch up his incision. The doctor asked why.
So I can make money on the side.

Why do gays wear ribbed condoms?
Traction in the mud.

[Woolybeastman]

OK, I'll play.
The Mayor of the town has a pigeon problem. There are so many of them, and they just fly around disturbing the tourists and crapping on everything. He wants very badly to get rid of them. He takes an ad out in the paper saying "I'll pay anything to the person who can get rid of all these pigeons!" The next day, the mayor gets a call. "I'm your guy", the voice says. He continues, "You'll have to pay me $50,000. But, you can't ask me any questions. If you want to ask a question, it'll be another $10,000. Meet me in the park by the pond. I'll be sitting on the bench there." So, the mayor goes to the park and sees a man sitting on the bench with a small box on his lap. "You must be my guy" the mayor says. "Yep" says the stranger. He then opens the box and a pink pigeon flies out. The pigeon flies in big circles around the pond, over and over. Suddenly, all the pigeons from the town are following this pink pigeon in the big circles around the pond. Suddenly, the pink pigeon does a nose dive into the pond, and all the other pigeons follow it, and they all drown. No more pigeon problem! The mayor hands the stranger $60,000. "Ah, I knew you wanted to ask me a question," says the stranger. "Yeah," says the mayor, "you got any pink niggers?"
Thank you very much, I'll be here all week.

[Helldawg]

Drunken sailor stumbles into the brothel with 3 bucks to his name.

Business is dead, so the madam sets him up with her oldest, skankiest whore, 'ol Hazel.

He climbs the stairs, and enters the dark, musty room where Hazel plies her trade. "C'mon in sonny, let's get to it!"

He puts it in, and exclaims, "Ugh, that thing feels like sandpaper, can't ya get it wet anymore?"

"Hold on sailor, I think I can do something..."

He puts it in again, and it feels great. "Ah, that's better, whadja do, squeeze some KY on it?"

"Sonny, for three bucks, you don't get KY. I just picked the scabs and let the pus run."

[skibuminwyo]

^^^That kinda made my stomach turn a bit. Good stuff.

[advres]

What do assholes and 9-volt batteries have in common?













You know you shouldn't but everytime you see one you just got to put your tongue on it.

[rileybri]

one male rafting guide talking to another male rafting guide:
"Whats the difference between a washing machine and female raft guide?"

"You can drop a load in a washing machine and it wont follow you around all summer!"

[Keegan]

This needs reviving...

[BruteShred]

How long does it take a black woman to take a shit?

9 months.

[ODHGABFE]

So my gf and I saw Lisa Lampanelli the other night, funniest shit ever. First, an aside. She was making a joke about how she needed to get a Mexican to clean her kitchen, and she says, "Oh wait, that's a nigger's job." First and only time she uses nigger in her set, and this is a good 25 minutes into it. So about 5 minutes go by, she's onto another joke and from the upper level this guy yells "Lisa, you can't say nigger!" So Lisa stops her current joke, looks up towards him very annoyed, yells, "Shut the fuck up, nigger!" and tries to continue with the current joke. Guy doesn't shut up, so she says, "Look, shut the fuck up before people start thinking this is a nigger problem when it's really just a problem of you not being able to keep your fucking mouth shut when it's appropriate to!" She then went into a spiel about she makes jokes to ease the tension and remove the hate, yadda yadda, and the whole theatre stands and cheers and yells.

Now, onto the joke. This was right at the end of the show:

"So, I have the house lights turned up so I can see every one of you fuckers in here. Because, I like to know I'm making people laugh, because if you're laughing I don't have to worry about apologizing to anyone. But there's these 5 ladies, way in the back, who haven't cracked a smile the whole time. They probably won the tickets on the radio, they're probably like, 'oh my god, this lady is filthy, I can't wait to leave.' So, I'm gonna tell one clean joke, just one, just to please these uptight broads in the back. Ready? Ok, here goes.
So this dad was helping his little son and daughter take a bath together. The little boy looks at his sister and asks, "Daddy, what is that between my sister's legs?"
And the dad replies, "Well son, that's where god hit your sister with his magical golden ax."
The little boy's eyes grow wide in amazement, and he exclaims, "Wow, god sure does have good aim. He hit her right in the cunt."





After telling a black joke: "Are the blacks laughing? Are they? Oh good, I can see teeth, they must be."

[Andy_B]

A guy comes home to find his wife packing her bags.

Honey, what are you doing?

I'm moving the Vegas.

Why?

I heard you can get $50.00 for a blow job there.

Husband scurries off to the room and starts packing his bag. His wife walks in and ask him why he is packing...

I'm going to Vegas with you, I want to see you live off $100.00 a year.

[Helldawg]

If you don't live in the NY metro area, you may need to Google "Sean Bell" for this to make sense...

Q-What's the difference between Sean Bell and an Irishman?

A-An Irishman would have still made it to his wedding after 51 shots the night before.

[Smokey McPole]

^^^^^^^^

I remember that guy.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it had Full-Blown AIDS.

[total_immortal]

What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippy chick?

A hockey player showers after 3 periods.

[Pow4Brains]

What do you call ball sweat when you’re fucking your sister?

Relative Humidity.



A plane is going to crash. A dood grabs the black stewardess and starts fucking the shit out of her. A passenger screams, “What are you doing!” The dood answers, “The black box always survives the crash and I want to be in it.”

[DharmaBum]

Kid walks in on his parents going at it. Dad has mom bent over the dresser and is pounding hard from the rear. They both spot the kid and gasp, and junior leaves the room. After finishing, the woman tells her husband to go talk to junior and explain what was going on, so he won't be scared.

Dad searches the house: upstairs, downstairs, the basement, but can't find junior. Finally, he looks in the guest house. When he opens the door he sees that junior has grandma bent over the dresser and is really letting her have it. "See" says junior. "Not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"

[_Aaron_]

One now and maybe one later if I feel like typing it out.

So this boy from Kentucky comes home one night and says to his dad
"Dad I found a girl. I think shes the one."
Dad says "oh yeah tell me about her"
the boy then replies "well shes blond, 5'4'', shes a christen and a virgin-"
The father then interjects "wait, wait, shes a virgin?"
the boy says "yes"
Then the father replies "well if shes not good enough for her own family then shes ain't good enough for ours"

[Alyeska_Skibum]

Q: Why did Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A: So she could moan with the other one

[KillWW]

What's the difference between jelly and jam?








I can't jelly my cock down some chick's throat

[phatmike]

I have to say, i'm really sensitive to the holocoust jokes, my grandfather died in a nazi concentration camp.........he fell out of the tower.

[TAHOEDOWN]

A chick walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "give me 12 budweisers." The bartender looks at her funny, but lines them up on the bar. She pounds all 12, goes to the back of the bar and passes out. One of the locals sitting at the bar sees this, goes to the back and fucks the shit out of her.
The next week, the same chick comes back and says, "give me 12 budweisers" and the bartender lines them up again. After she passes out at the bar, 3 guys have their way with her.
Another week goes by and the same chick walks back into the bar. The guys in the bar can't believe it. The bartender says, "Let me guess, 12 budweisers?" The chick says, "no make it coors. Budweiser makes my pussy hurt."

[Caucasian Asian]