Dynastar unveils new ski

[Innominatus]

Just got this industry press release via email. I'm not sure what the hell to think.

Dynastar North America

4/1/2004 - For Immediate Release

Dynastar North America is pleased to usher in a new paradigm in ski construction.

Today's freeskiers demand burly equipment: a stiff flex, wood-core construction and minimal sidecut. The 2x4 Bigs — the latest evolution in big-mountain weaponry — answer these demands with aplomb, by being stiffer, straighter, and stronger than anything else on the market. They look as good as they ski, too: in keeping with current marketing trends, the topsheets sport a stylish wood-grain veneer.

Where cap and sandwich construction techniques have downsides in being difficult to repair or costly to manufacture, there are no such compromises with the 2x4 Series.


The 2x4 Big.


The 2x4 Bigs' proprietary Dynamic Unibody Monocoque Backbone (D.U.M.B.®) construction ensures that structural loads are distributed evenly to each edge. Each ski is hewn from structural-grade fir in a Weyerhaeuser mill using cutting-edge laser-guided saws. The wood core in these skis is larger in diameter than any competing ski, giving superior vibration-damping characteristics.

D.U.M.B.® construction methods also boast exemplary economies of scale, as these skis are also widely used for construction framing throughout the Western world.

Advanced computational fluid dynamics were used to shape the 2x4 Big's low-drag asymmetrical tip, which takes advantage of the snow-eddy wash from the ski next to it to improve tip float in deep powder, rendering a conventional upturned tip obsolete. This also permits the use of low-drag aerodynamic tips as found on speed skis.


The advanced tip of the 2x4 Big.


Tricky big mountain lines need not compromise skier safety, as the 2x4 Big has been designed in conjunction with Marker, whose venerable M51 Titanium bindings ensure maximum releaseability at all times. As a further bonus, wide brakes are not necessary, nor, for that matter, are brakes at all, as the ski has too much friction to slide away on its own.

This high coefficient of friction also permits pushing the envelope on steep technical descents as one can now strap on a pair of 2x4 Bigs and straightline 65-degree couloirs in a full tuck at 3 mph.

Core shots are easily field-repairable using 600-grit sandpaper, twigs from nearby trees, and wood glue.

This ski will be released in limited quantities via our Race Room skunk works, due to both forecasts of limited demand and also as a way of artificially inflating prices a la the DeBeers diamond cartel.


Specs:

2004-2005 Dynastar 2x4 BIGS

Length: 190 cm
Sidecut Radius: ∞
Tip: 89 mm
Waist: also 89 mm
Tail: again, 89 mm

Wood Core
Wood-Grain Veneer Topsheet
Vertical Sidewalls
Minimal Sidecut
Cracked Edges
Stiff Flex (~500 on the Igneous scale)
D.U.M.B.® Construction
Field-Repairable using nearby trees and that pointless saw thingy in your Swiss Army Knife
Fully burnable at Ullr parties, ten years hence
Maximum flotation for snow encountered in liquid form
Patented low-friction bases allow for safe 10-mph straightlining of 65-degree couloirs, even in a full-tuck
Available in custom lengths
MSRP: $15/pair

[dipstik]

Originally posted by Innominatus
as the 2x4 Big has been designed in conjunction with Marker, whose venerable M51 Titanium bindings ensure maximum releaseability at all times.

[trainnvain]

Are these the same dimensions as last year's Super Duggan?

[crashnburn'd]

It's got those low profile racing tips on it. I bet you could easily do 115 mph with those, assuming you were wearing a speed suit and a cool helmet.

[seldon]

wow. a REAL april fools joke unlike that debacle over seth morrison. though it didn't last longer than the first couple of lines, im glad to know that someone on this board has a sense of humor that is not related to great skiers dying or raping of families. thank you!

[CaddyDaddy77]

Originally posted by trainnvain
Are these the same dimensions as last year's Super Duggan?

Thank you , glad someone remembered the Super Duggan, thing of beauty, a thing of beauty.

[dipstik]

that guy is a BEAST!

[Potsy]

When are these bad boys going to be available here in the U.S.?

[Lostinthetrees]

Guess that is what the factory reps mean when they start talking about the new boards* coming next year. Guess they really mean it this time.

* also, planks, lumber, sticks, etc.