Overcome by Fear

**mtcham** · 05-01-2007, 08:40 PM

That brought tears to my eyes to hear your pain. Last year I yielded a big chunk of skin to this crap and crossed that line of uncertainty.

I truly hope you can focus your anger to strength and beat this shit into submission! You will do it!

**BeanDip4All** · 05-01-2007, 08:46 PM

sent you an e-mail. hang in there.

**TJ.Brk** · 05-01-2007, 08:50 PM

Originally Posted by Plakespear

I’m stuck back at my parents’ house, living in the town I never liked living in. I don’t really have any friends here anymore, nobody to talk to or go out with or just to do things with to take my mind off of all of this shit.

Nils both you and I know about this feeling. But it is not as bad as you might think. Your friends are always with you and just a keyboard/phonecall away. It's not as bad a living situation as you might think. Maybe it is just what you need.

.

I’m trying hard to be positive, I really am. But it’s not easy. The fear is overwhelming, nearly paralyzing. I feel like I’m looking out into a void, wondering what is out there. I’m looking for some light, but for now all I see is darkness out there. Even if there is light at the end of this tunnel, I know it is going to be a rough road. The IL2 treatment beats the shit out of you. If it works this time, I’m certainly willing to take it. A few days in hell is a small price to pay to get this shit out of my body. And it showed signs of working the last time. And in conjunction with the last round of therapy, it might be just the combination I need to defeat this once and for all.

Sounds to me Nils that your still strong deep inside and you do have a postive handle/outlook still. Never quit or doubt yourself buddy. Stay strong man. We are all here.

**bklyn** · 05-01-2007, 08:55 PM

Hard times for sure. You should allow yourself some time to be afraid, people who say they are positive about things 100% of the time are full of bull. Just don't let despair get a grip on you for an extended period of time.

Nils, I miss you.

I have to work tomorrow, but not Thursday or Friday. I can get on a bus, train, plane, whatever to meet up with you if you want some company. I have a rain jacket and am willing to get muddy.

**buckethead** · 05-01-2007, 08:55 PM

damn, nils!
very sorry to hear about this current upheaval.
am sending positive vibes and wishing you much spirit and energy for the fight ahead.
and am sending PM,
your neighbor to the north,
mike

**TJ.Brk** · 05-01-2007, 08:56 PM

Originally Posted by Oldtimer

truly thinking, visualizing, convicing yourself, believing and feeling that you've rid yourself of the cancer.

Very wise words doc

**Buster Highmen** · 05-01-2007, 08:59 PM

This is where you can win. Remember you can win, we are all here, pulling for you.

Believe, continue to believe and know that your pals are here for you.

**4matic** · 05-01-2007, 09:02 PM

Your strength and attitude is beyond inspirational. See you in Tahoe next winter!

**Vets** · 05-01-2007, 09:03 PM

Positive vibes sent your way to be added to the positive vibes that you continue to generate yourself.

Uplifting from the down times.

**jibij** · 05-01-2007, 09:04 PM

Trayc's words are wise. Allow a little sadness in. It's nothing but normal. Then kick the crap outta that C-bitch.

**powderchick** · 05-01-2007, 09:04 PM

keep your head up man
praying for you
stay strong and positive
you can overcome anything

**snowsprite** · 05-01-2007, 09:12 PM

Nils, I don't know what to say or do to make you feel better but I do want you to feel better and get better...

Please know that I'm thinking positive thoughts for you, and I'm here to listen, pray and lend my support whenever you need it and as often as you need it.

Let me know when you're in for your treatment, and I (and the other area mags) will come in to cheer you up and cheer you on.

Hang in there, lots of people care about you and are pulling for you right now.

Hey, if it rains tomorrow and you feel crappy, pick up that phone and start dialing!

Your Friend,
Sprite

**MrsG** · 05-01-2007, 09:14 PM

. . . having only met you recently at the BMMC . . . your courage and strength in words are incredible . . . we'll keep you in our thoughts and prayers . . .

**Plakespear** · 05-01-2007, 09:18 PM

Thanks for the words, everyone. It's been a long day. I'm tired, but don't want to sleep just yet. Maybe I should listen to that Dinosaur Jr. album now. J and Lou probably won't put me to sleep (most likely they will have the opposite effect), but at leeast it will keep me from dwelling on things.

I'll post a TR of my ride tomorrow. Even if I only do 10 miles.

**The Dad** · 05-01-2007, 09:28 PM

Wish I knew what to say. Or that I could help. IIRC, you're at Columbia Presbyterian, right? If for some reason you end up at Einstein or Sinai, let me know and I'll pull whatever strings I can.

In the meantime, weaksauce though it is, ++++++++ vibes.

**smitchell333** · 05-01-2007, 09:35 PM

Fight the fight man.

We're with you.

**benrex** · 05-01-2007, 09:41 PM

Keep pushing stay strong. +++++++++++++vibes

**Squirrel99** · 05-01-2007, 10:23 PM

Originally Posted by powder11

hang in there Nils, your going to lick this thing! try to think past this shit and envision yourself on a kick ass ski trip back in whistler next year. stay strong buddy.

Channel in that good energy. Block out all the shit going on- and think about getting back here- where you were in your element.

I can relate a bit, but certainly not to what you've gone through. All I can say is to power through this shit and stay strong. Focus on getting back to "happy"

I know you've climbed mountains before
(Crystal- Silver King Peak)

Pushed your skiing to the next level

Risk for reward
(Baker)

(Whistler)

It might seem like a long track you've been on, but like every climb- you will reach the summit if you keep moving forward, one step at a time

Hang in buddy, keep your spirits high and keep moving forward. See you next year out West.

**The AD** · 05-01-2007, 10:29 PM

Originally Posted by Plakespear

Can’t help but think if only I had caught this sooner I wouldn’t be in this situation.

You've probably discussed this here before, but can you tell us how you found out you had cancer initially? This is important info for others and maybe someone else will catch it sooner and won't have to go through what you have.

We're all still confident you'll beat this!

**HotCarl** · 05-01-2007, 10:39 PM

I fuckin hate cancer. Fuckin hate it! Kick that shit in the balls,man,and get better. Show em who's boss

G · 05-01-2007, 10:46 PM

Get better, goddamit.

I know you will. be strong and be patient.

And finishing a planned bike ride on a rainy day can often make you feel really good.

**doublediamond223** · 05-01-2007, 11:19 PM

That was tough to read. I don't know what to say except that your attitude determines your reality. Keep focused on KICKING CANCER'S ASS, and stay positive.

All the best,
G

**rehabit** · 05-01-2007, 11:45 PM

I recently had to pass on some words of strength to my Mom as well and I know they can sometimes ring hollow... I also know it's hard not to focus on the negative stats or odds, but just remember, you got the maggot odds breakers tilting the scale for you.

Remember us west coasters are up late, so call me anytime.

**divegirl** · 05-02-2007, 01:12 AM

Nils, Lego and I are thinking about you. We hope you maintain some positive outlook through it all. Seriously: keep kicking its ass. I can't imagine how tough this is for you, but fuckin eh, please keep trying. Is there any way Courtney could push you while still in your bed hooked up to the meds in the triathlon??

This is not the news you wanted to hear, but I know you will push through this.