Darwin Awards

[Honc]

This will take you through the entire gamut of emotions.

Darwin Awards are out for 2003.....
Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. It's an annual
honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by
killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's
winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled
over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And the nominees this year in reverse order are:


7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed
gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill,
and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting
explosion and fire burned his house down killing both him and his
sister.



6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home
died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2"
tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white
bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that
he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also
wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a
rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was
connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in
diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for
reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found
the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family
very awkward.



5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low
altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided
to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own
aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with
their pants around their ankles.



4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after
he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad
trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker,
taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one
foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park,
jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman,
said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found
nearby. "The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the
distance between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police
say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."



3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he
and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as
ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was
hospitalized.



2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the
smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building,
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they
had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of
the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the
technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that
resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like
object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to
three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the
lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician
suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by
his peers.



AND THE WINNER.....


1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt
Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local
golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad
mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum
in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante
by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place,
thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately
passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than
a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance,
and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped
open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and
remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed
and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and
the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke
a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and
was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for
surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.



NB: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't
die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act
of stupidity, we have allowed it.

[ak_powder_monkey]

Originally posted by Honc

7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed
gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill,
and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting
explosion and fire burned his house down killing both him and his
sister.

ROTFLMAO

[dipstik]

some seem like BS, but if it's true that last one is priceless! I love the description of how is nutsack was mangled.

[snowsprite]

[VTskibum]

Originally posted by ak_powder_monkey
ROTFLMAO

PFDACPPS

(Potential Future Darwin Award Candidate Post Preservation Society)

[grrrr]

Don't know whether they are true or not, but some of those stories (including the ballwasher one) have been floating around the internet as the "current" Darwin winners for several years. www.darwinawards.com has a different list.

[skifreakcne]

I still like the one about the guy in aspen that grabbed the yellow chair lift pole cover off the slopes.

he then hiked the mountain and sled down on makeshift sled

He hit the pole that he stole the cover from and died

[repeat]

number 5 is halarious... also something I would probably do.

[watersnowdirt]

Originally posted by Honc
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed
gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill,
and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting
explosion and fire burned his house down killing both him and his
sister.

this is like some grossly exaggerated, far gnarlier version of lph's flaming sambuca shots.

Ugh.

[ak_powder_monkey]

Originally posted by VTskibum
PFDACPPS

(Potential Future Darwin Award Candidate Post Preservation Society)

I'm not that dumb

[bluewood_skier]

hahahahahahaha

I sent that to all my friends.

[fridge]

I got most of those sent to me last year. As funny as that golf ball one is, I'm pretty sure it's not true.

[iceman]

Originally posted by fridge
As funny as that golf ball one is, I'm pretty sure it's not true.

Snopes would agreee with you.

[laseranimal]

giving new meaning to the phrase "dirty sanchez"

[truth]

Death at the Masonic Lodge
Induction ceremony was to frighten, not harm, father of five.
Advertisement


BY SAMUEL BRUCHEY
STAFF WRITER

March 10, 2004

The secret induction ceremony in the basement of the lodge on Monday night was only supposed to frighten William James, and build trust between the burly father of five and his fellow members of the Southside Masonic Temple by letting him think he was placing his life in their hands.

There were large rat traps, which James, 47, was made to place his nose beside. A six-foot replica guillotine. And a plank he would be forced down, as if walking off the side of a ship.

Then, there were the guns.

Wearing a white cap, white pants, but no shirt, in accordance with the ritual's traditions, James was seated along one side of the temple's large basement. Behind his head, tin cans were placed on a platform, Suffolk Homicide Det. Lt. Jack Fitzpatrick said.

And, 20 feet away, Albert Eid, 76, a trustee of the Fellowcraft Club, the club James was hoping to join, stood with two guns in his front pants pockets.

In his right pocket, he carried a loaded .32-caliber handgun, which he had told James would be used to knock over the cans.

In his left, was a .22-caliber gun, similar in size and weight, but filled only with blanks. It was the gun he was intending to fire, Fitzpatrick said. The plan was to fire the blanks at the same moment a member standing behind James would knock over the cans with a stick.

But, in a tragic misstep, Eid reached into the wrong pocket and pulled out the loaded pistol, then fired a single bullet that struck James in the nose and killed him, Fitzpatrick said.

"We believe that it was completely accidental," Fitzpatrick said. "Clearly it was a poor decision to have that weapon in that proximity."

James' death appears to be one of only two in the secret society's 250-year history in this country, the first since Ben Franklin's era.

Eid, of 155 Jayne Ave. in Patchogue, was arrested and charged with second-degree manslaughter. The charge, defined as reckless taking of another life, is a felony punishable by up to 15 years in prison.

Eid, a retired plumber, has been a licensed pistol holder since 1951 and owns five handguns, which were seized by police after the shooting.

"I don't understand what happened," James' wife, Susan, said yesterday afternoon from her Medford home. "He left for the meeting and was in a fine mood. I'm doing terribly right now ... I know as much about it as you do," she said.

When her husband left home around 6:30 p.m. Monday, Susan James said, he did not mention the ritual to be conducted that night.

Approximately 10 other members of the group were present during the ceremony, police said.

'Bonding experiences'

The club is composed of local Patchogue Masons, and is responsible for repair work and maintenance to the lodge, said Andrew Boracci, a former master of the Sag Harbor Mason's lodge.

"It's an independent social group, independent of masons and independent of the lodge," Boracci said.

First, dinner was served. Then, about 8:30 p.m., the ritual for James and a second inductee, who was not identified by police, began.

Eid's attorney, Jim O'Rourke of Hauppauge, said his client had been a member of the group for years and had taken part in dozens of induction ceremonies. "They are supposed to be joyous, bonding experiences," he said.

O'Rourke said he did not know if those prior ceremonies involved the use of a loaded weapon.

The purpose of the ceremony was to startle James with loud noises, fill him with fear, but ultimately show him he could trust his "brothers" to protect him, Boracci said.

Loud sounds, shoving and other techniques traditionally have been used in the society to give initiates the sense of having undergone a journey or transformation, according to Steven C. Bullock, a professor at Worcester Polytechnic Institute in Massachusetts. He said he had never heard of the use of a firearm.

"There is that sort of attempt to scare, to heighten the emotion. When the blindfold is taken off, the entire lodge is supposed to clap," said Bullock, the author of "Revolutionary Brotherhood," a recent book on Freemasonry's role in forming the American democratic system.

"But," he said, "I had no idea that something like this could happen."

Ronald J. Steiner, a public relations official with the New York Grand Lodge, based in Manhattan, said the Patchogue ritual was an aberration. "What happened last night was not sanctioned by the lodge ... I've never seen anything like that. And I've never heard it either," he said.

Even after the shot was fired, some may not have realized it came from the loaded weapon, Fitzpatrick said. James slumped over on his chair, then fell onto the floor, but did not start bleeding immediately. He died within minutes, however, police said.

One of the members ran upstairs to use the phone, and spotted a police car passing by outside on Oak Street, Fitzpatrick said. The officer ran inside and rendered first aid.

"It was clear from the outset that very little was going to be able to save the victim," Fitzpatrick said.

Two of those present during the ceremony declined to comment. One said only, "We lost a brother, I am upset."

Donn Larson, an assistant civil engineer in the Town of Brookhaven Planning Department, has known James since he was hired in 1988 and considered him "a good friend." Over the years, James had attained the status of map drafter 3.

An 'easy-going guy'

At 6-foot-2 and about 260 pounds, with a full beard, pony tail, and Harley Davidson jacket, James might have looked rather menacing, Larson said, but in reality, "he was pretty much a teddy bear ... a very mellow, calm, easy-going guy."

His father had been a Mason, Larson said, and James was drawn to the idea of providing charitable work for others without drawing attention to himself.

Eid provided investigators with a written and videotaped statement, and appeared "distraught" and "apologetic" throughout the night, police said.

He was arraigned yesterday at First District Court, where he pleaded not guilty to the manslaughter charge and was released on $2,500 bail. Eid declined to comment about the shooting.

O'Rourke, Eid's attorney, said his client was torn up by the shooting. "We are hoping to convince the district attorney and authorities that this was a horrible mistake," O'Rourke said, "but not a crime."

Jessica Fehrenbach, 26, who lives across the street from Eid, said he was always friendly. He interceded recently when two neighbors' dogs got into a fight, she said, and routinely kept an eye on other houses on the block when neighbors were away. In a written statement, Grand Master of Masons Carl J. Fitje, the highest ranking mason in the state of New York, said: "On behalf of all Masons in New York, I extend our deepest condolences and sympathies to the family of the Brother who lost his life so tragically.

"This was not a Masonic Lodge meeting and no formal and approved Masonic ceremonies were scheduled to take place this evening. Firearms play no role in Masonic Lodge meetings or Masonic events of any kind," according to the statement.

Staff writers Indrani Sen and Joseph Mallia contributed to this story.
Copyright © 2004, Newsday, Inc.

[KQ]

Originally posted by iceman
Snopes would agreee with you.

I dunno - Snopes doubts someone would be this dumb but do you remember that article I posted from a medical journal about the guy who used the belt sander to masturbate?

The guy liked the vibration and used to "rub up against it." On day his scrotum got stuck in the machine and ripped his sack open jettisoning one of his testicles. He used a staple gun to put it back together (minus the errant testicle) and went about his business for several days until he could no longer stand the pain from infection (and the rusting staples).

He ended up in the emergency room, which is how the story ended up in the medical journal.

It's scary how stoopid ppl can be.