NSR: How to “Look Strong” while Climbing Indoors: A Four Step Guide To Success

[Franz Klammer]

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

http://northeastclimbing.blogspot.com/
posted by David Wetmore


How to “Look Strong” while Climbing Indoors: A Four Step Guide To Success

Is your level of climbing not quite up to expectations? Feeling down and insignificant due to your inability to crush? If you have been desperately searching for a few quick, easy ways to step up your climbing game, then look no further! This simple guide will make you look and feel like the strong climber you have always dreamed to be. The ladies will be swooning over your every step, eagerly waiting for the chance to say hello as you confidently stroll on by to the next boulder problem…

Step 1: Essential Outfitting
1. Go to the nearest REI or EMS to purchase a brand new pair of Prana pants. This will give you a dashing Chris Sharma look. Fold the bottom pant legs over ever-so-slightly because that is what Chris does.
2. Buy a colorful chalk bag, but be sure to have at least one Metolius brush in the side pocket. Sophistication is essential.
3. Don’t bother purchasing a T-Shirt, they only inhibit your ability to show off the guns. Showing off the guns while climbing is a must.
4. Do not take your shirt off until you have developed a slight sweat. A moist, wet body will make you look more defined.
5. If you're feeling overly rambunctious, buy a Beanie. Any good climber knows that Beanie’s make you climb harder than a gosh darn steel monkey.

Now your ready to hit the gym harder than ever before! Make sure your hair is slightly disheveled upon entering. This will give you the rugged, hardened look of a true outdoor climber as opposed to the quintessential gym rat. Abstaining from shaving also helps achieve such an appearance.

Step 2: Pre-Session Rituals
1. After quickly flashing your membership card at check in, throw your North Face backpack down on the gym floor with some authority to show everyone that you mean business. Remember, climbing is not about having fun, it’s about climbing hard.
2. Proceed with an utterly ridiculous stretching routine. I’m talking about stretches that would scare the pants off a yoga instructor. This will intimidate other fellow climbers and entice the ladies to join in. Perfect.
3. Find the rings and do some pull-ups with a very serious face. Lets face it, serious is just plain sexy. Take Zoolander's Magnum pose for instance. Untouchable.
4. Tape up all your fingers with as much tape as possible. This just says, “Bad-ass”.
5. Lots of pre-climbing push ups will not only warm you up, but will also pump up your chest so that when it comes time to take the shirt off, you will be primed and ready to go. Once again... you must remember that its all for the female foxes of the climbing world.
6. When warming up on the actual wall, remember to keep your sneakers on. Hard climbers do not wear rock climbing shoes on easy problems. Please.

Now don't get too antsy just yet! You are almost there young Jedi, but first you must learn the ways of the climber discourse.

Step 3: Hip Lingo
1. When others are climbing shout things like, “Stay tight!” and “Breath dude!” or my personal favorite, “Solid man! So solid!”. Try to be as genuine as possible in these remarks even if you couldn't possibly care less.
2. Make sure to spray as much “beta” as possible. This means telling as many people as possible how you climbed a certain problem. You can say things like, “Oh, I used a toe hook there, but that’s just they way I did it. I haven’t seen anyone else do it that way.”
3. It is crucial not to tell the boulderer exactly how you completed the problem, but be confident in your explanation so that it sounds like you truly wish to help. Being ambiguous will make it harder for a repeat.
4. While resting in between problems, tell others about past road trips and particulary difficult sends. The stories and sends can be entirely fabricated. The only limit is your imagination!

You have now reached bonnified stud-muffin status. Time to crush…

Step 4: Fundamental Rules of Crushing
1. Be sure to intermittently grunt and growl while climbing to make the problem look harder than it really is.
2. Whenever possible, preview certain problems the night before a training session. When you come in with your partners, pretend as though you have never seen the problems before, asking questions like "Damn, who put this monster up?" and "I guess I'll give it a try." Meanwhile, you should have each sequence dialed and ready to fire. Fake onsighting is a clear indication of a seasoned climber.
3. After grabbing the finishing jug, do a pull-up accompanied by a small grunt before dropping to the ground. This will surely get the babes to turn their heads your way. Remember, it's all about the babes.
4. Use as many figure 4's as possible. The more unnecessary the figure 4, the better. In fact, make sure your technique is as obnoxious and absurd as possible. Useless heal hooks work perfect in this respect. Basically, just climb like a Frenchman.
5. Once you are back on the ground nonchalantly tell everyone who was watching that “It was super easy. Definitely soft for the grade.” This will make you look cooler than the far side of the moon.
6. If you fall, you can blame it on a number of different things: shoes, chalk in the eye, the spotter, greasy holds, Dave Wetmore, or even a bee sting.
7. Do a double-dyno. This will make your babe's heart stop for a moment.
8. But do not fall. Strong climbers don’t do such things.
9. If you do happen to commit this sin, remember to say, "I'll get it next time." You are allowed to use this phrase indefinately. You can also say, "I did this problem last night when you weren't here. Seriously."

Now you have what it takes to truly be a strong indoor climber! And if you are daring enough, you may even be able to apply these principles to the foreign world of outdoor climbing, a mysterious and ominous place that could be potentially fun and challenging.

Who climbs outside anyway?

Keep on crushing!

[Orange Julius]

Don't forget your sidi dominators, even if you didn't ride to the gym!!!

[yentna]

Laughing. My. Ass. Off.

Truth!

So many of the dudes used these techniques at my last gym. Hysterical! I'd smile and nod politely while they told me about their conquests and explain why they'd just fallen off a problem, shirtless and trying to impress, then I'd hop on the wall and chick them. Made my day.

[Mtn Man]

hehe, this is funny stuff. I'll have to change my whole game plan now! I'll have this dialed in by Thursday....

B)

[bbirtle]

Ha! There was a dude the other day in our gym that must have read this one 'cause he was IT.

Climbed fer shit and did dangerous things like toproping off a quickdraw but I admit he was ripped and I think the girls bought it.

[nhtele]

Fucking hilarious. And to think, I was about to join the new gym across the street from my office.

[Reticent Marvel] Going to a climbing gym? That's about as close to REAL climbing as playing fiddledick in the enchanted forest.[\RM]

[Hacksaw]

Oh, now I see what I have been doing wrong all along.......

I can't wait to run on down to the gym now....

LMAO.... This is why I think I have gotten away from rock climbing......

[KnuckleDragger]

Nice work. So solid!

6. When warming up on the actual wall, remember to keep your sneakers on. Hard climbers do not wear rock climbing shoes on easy problems. Please.

I thought the real bad asses warmed up barefoot.

[doublediamond223]

That was great. You forgot, "When approaching a boulder problem that is harder than you can do, do the first move, scream really loudly, then fall. Proceed to spray about how that is at least V12 or higher. Of course, you must be shirtless during the attempt."

[sfotex]

That was great. You forgot, "When approaching a boulder problem that is harder than you can do, do the first move, scream really loudly, then fall. Proceed to spray about how that is at least V12 or higher. Of course, you must be shirtless during the attempt."

Did you make it out to Roger's Park yet? Don't make me come out there and drag your ass out there.

[Orange Julius]

Once you have the above mastered, take it to the next level by putting a nut tool on your harness.

[sfotex]

Once you have the above mastered, take it to the next level by putting a nut tool on your harness.

In the winter swap it out for a v-thread tool to look extra core.

[Froman]

HAHAHAHA! That is 'effin hilarious - thought the guy was writing about the BRC.

[brice618]

You forgot to add -

When watching other climbers fall be sure give them help on how to fall, not that you ever do. Use the phrase "that will fuck your shit up" as much as possible in any context to intemidate said lesser climber.

In example:

When the climberous inferiorous take a lead fall say -

"Factor one falls can fuck your shit up! I heard it can snap your head so hard you can seperate your brain from your cerebellum" (Don't bother with having correct medical terminology just make sure it sounds confusing, they won't ask questions).

Also:

If a wall employee is giving a belay course make sure to interject with statements often -

"I watched a guy get dropped from 30 foot to deck once, it fucked his shit up!" Followed by more injury related jargon.