I need to attend EpicSki Academy (caution- rant)

**snowfire** · 02-23-2004, 11:30 AM

So I had my senior patrol test on Saturday at Sunlight. I was tested over 4 toboggan runs (two in the horns, two on tailrope)on their steepest mogul run (which was, I suppose, decently steep, although not near as long as Pali or something) and then skiing two longish mogul runs top to bottom and demonstrating short, medium and long radius turns on a groomer.

Well, it dumped snow all day, and after digging two platforms and hauling a bunch of heavy-ass guys down the mountain, it was time for the skiing portion. I was exhausted by this time, but the powder had started to accumulate a bit, so I was kind of excited to ski. I skied the mogul runs down the fall line, they were soft and nice although my body was about dead I felt like I skied alright.

So evaluation time comes at the end, and it takes FOREVER for all the judges to debate over the candidates so in the meantime we all got plowed. I found out drunken darts is fun but very dangerous...so is drunken pool... I accidentally nutted an old guy wtih my pool stick as he walked by- shit was I embarrassed!!

When time came for me to go up for my evaluation, I was pretty much drunk enough that I couldn't sit on the high "hot seat" they make you sit on... I was clutching the sides for dear life. Then I listened to them tell me that I had mad skill with the toboggan, that I was excellent both in the horns and with tailrope...blah.

Then they told me that, well, basically I don't know how to ski. They said "you passed toboggan with flying colors, but unfortunately you failed skiing." Which at this point my drunk self busts out laughing. Then it sunk in and I say "uh, why?" Apparently, when I skied the bumps, sometimes the tails of my skis came off the ground when I turned. Now, I readily admit that I am NOT the most graceful bump skier, but I can ski them in the fall line, quickly and confidently without losing my balance. They said "if my skis leave the ground, I have the POTENTIAL of being off balance" I ask "do you feel that I was off balance?" ... "no, but you have the potential to be." The judges voted 7 to 3 to pass me, but it got overturned when the 3 said that overall I was a good skier but I am "fundamentally flawed." I failed because of my "potential." aaaaaarrrgh!!!!!

So... sign me up for GapicSki academy so I can learn to keep my skis on the ground. And yes, I am probably SUPPOSED to keep my skis on the ground when I ski, but they can go fuck themselves. I guess that's the way I ski, and it does me damn fine when I'm skiing groomers, the Alta Chutes at Jackson or anyplace else. Plus, keeping your skis on the ground is boring!

End of rant...sorry.

Oh yeah, Farmer, the reason I didn't call you was because I got drunk at 5 pm and lost my cell phone. I think it's in the patroller's car I was riding with.

oops. I'll call you when it comes back to me. We had to stop about 7 or 8 times on the way back for me and the other candidate to piss in the ditch. It was amusing to say the least.

BTW, those tests are hard... only 4 people out of 15 passed, and I was the only one who "half-passed."

After I get "skiing lessons" I will be allowed to attempt another test. On a good note though, At least I got the toboggan portion out of the way. That's (supposed to be) the hardest part.

wow, I hope no one read all of this! haha.

**road trip** · 02-23-2004, 11:36 AM

Originally posted by snowfire
wow, I hope no one read all of this! haha.

I did...

...and was quite amused!

**Tippster** · 02-23-2004, 11:42 AM

Originally posted by snowfire
... I accidentally nutted an old guy wtih my pool stick as he walked by- shit was I embarrassed!! ...

If I had a dollar for everytime I nutted someone...

Too funny! (except for the "can't ski" part)

**snowsprite** · 02-23-2004, 11:43 AM

Yep 2nd that roadtrip!

What I don't get is how you can have "mad skills" w/ the sled and yet they nail you for some little technicality in skiing bumps. Personally, I don't care if my ski patroller is skiing away gracefully or not...or even if he falls down in the moguls as he skis away. only that if he does fall down, that he can get the heck back up and hot-tail it to get me some HELP--stat!

You should have told them you have great balance anyway if you can sit on a little hot-seat in front of people while you're piss drunk and not fall down. A testament to your balance IMO! Better luck next time...
Sprite

**Beaver** · 02-23-2004, 11:46 AM

Originally posted by snowfire

So I had my senior patrol test on Saturday at Sunlight. I was tested over 4 toboggan runs (two in the horns, two on tailrope)on their steepest mogul run (which was, I suppose, decently steep, although not near as long as Pali or something) and then skiing two longish mogul runs top to bottom and demonstrating short, medium and long radius turns on a groomer.

Well, it dumped snow all day, and after digging two platforms and hauling a bunch of heavy-ass guys down the mountain, it was time for the skiing portion. I was exhausted by this time, but the powder had started to accumulate a bit, so I was kind of excited to ski. I skied the mogul runs down the fall line, they were soft and nice although my body was about dead I felt like I skied alright.

So evaluation time comes at the end, and it takes FOREVER for all the judges to debate over the candidates so in the meantime we all got plowed. I found out drunken darts is fun but very dangerous...so is drunken pool... I accidentally nutted an old guy wtih my pool stick as he walked by- shit was I embarrassed!!

When time came for me to go up for my evaluation, I was pretty much drunk enough that I couldn't sit on the high "hot seat" they make you sit on... I was clutching the sides for dear life. Then I listened to them tell me that I had mad skill with the toboggan, that I was excellent both in the horns and with tailrope...blah.

Then they told me that, well, basically I don't know how to ski. They said "you passed toboggan with flying colors, but unfortunately you failed skiing." Which at this point my drunk self busts out laughing. Then it sunk in and I say "uh, why?" Apparently, when I skied the bumps, sometimes the tails of my skis came off the ground when I turned. Now, I readily admit that I am NOT the most graceful bump skier, but I can ski them in the fall line, quickly and confidently without losing my balance. They said "if my skis leave the ground, I have the POTENTIAL of being off balance" I ask "do you feel that I was off balance?" ... "no, but you have the potential to be." The judges voted 7 to 3 to pass me, but it got overturned when the 3 said that overall I was a good skier but I am "fundamentally flawed." I failed because of my "potential." aaaaaarrrgh!!!!!

So... sign me up for GapicSki academy so I can learn to keep my skis on the ground. And yes, I am probably SUPPOSED to keep my skis on the ground when I ski, but they can go fuck themselves. I guess that's the way I ski, and it does me damn fine when I'm skiing groomers, the Alta Chutes at Jackson or anyplace else. Plus, keeping your skis on the ground is boring!

End of rant...sorry.

Oh yeah, Farmer, the reason I didn't call you was because I got drunk at 5 pm and lost my cell phone. I think it's in the patroller's car I was riding with. oops. I'll call you when it comes back to me. We had to stop about 7 or 8 times on the way back for me and the other candidate to piss in the ditch. It was amusing to say the least.

BTW, those tests are hard... only 4 people out of 15 passed, and I was the only one who "half-passed."

After I get "skiing lessons" I will be allowed to attempt another test. On a good note though, At least I got the toboggan portion out of the way. That's (supposed to be) the hardest part.

wow, I hope no one read all of this! haha.

RPPS (Rant post...)

"they can go fuck themselves."

**Mountain Junkie** · 02-23-2004, 11:49 AM

That's perhaps the most gaperish thing I've heard. I wouldn't sweat it-sounds like a bunch of old-schoolers who dinged you for your bump skiing.

[EpicSki]I usually spend about 30% in the air when I ski bumps. It's a hell of a lot easier to air over troughs then it is to ski through them.[/EpicSki]

**snowfire** · 02-23-2004, 11:55 AM

The funny thing was...

I watched them all ski down after the candidates were done... I'd be willing to bet a lot of THEM wouldn't have passed by their standards. There were some who looked really good. And then, there were some...

It's all quite amusing, really. It just sucks that I have to go through it all again.

**Viva** · 02-23-2004, 12:03 PM

Originally posted by snowfire
Apparently, when I skied the bumps, sometimes the tails of my skis came off the ground when I turned.... They said "if my skis leave the ground, I have the POTENTIAL of being off balance" I ask "do you feel that I was off balance?" ... "no, but you have the potential to be." The judges voted 7 to 3 to pass me, but it got overturned when the 3 said that overall I was a good skier but I am "fundamentally flawed."

First off, I am not a skier- I try, but I have a long way to go. I was a competitive runner for almost a decade, however, as well as a cyclist and rode frequently with professional cyclists and triathletes.

What I can say is that there is no correct way to run or to ride, everyone has a form that works for them and this rarely precludes one from reaching the pinacle of their sport. I don't think that skiing is any different in this respect.

We're talking about your ability to negotiate a specific challenge on the hill, not to score "pretty points". How presumptuous of those three! I would have spat on them. Go find another mountain to patrol on, these aren't the kind of people worth associating with.

There's no way I'd ever attend an Epic Academy event. With a couple of exceptions (e.g., Ott G.), those instructors are insufferable, which is one of the reasons I left that board and only venture back occasionally now.

**half-fast** · 02-23-2004, 12:03 PM

the skiing part of the nsp senior exam is very subjective-next time you take the exam-ask the t/e what they're looking for-and ask for a demo-then do it just like they do

**snowfire** · 02-23-2004, 12:43 PM

Originally posted by Viva
We're talking about your ability to negotiate a specific challenge on the hill, not to score "pretty points". How presumptuous of those three! I would have spat on them. Go find another mountain to patrol on, these aren't the kind of people worth associating with.

Oh, it was a senior NSP test, not an A-Basin specific test. That was why it was at sunlight.

The A-Basin gang is great- the AB judges told me they were confident I could easily ski anything at AB. Unfortunately that holds no weight, it's all on how you perform that day, and the judges were from other ski areas as well- AB, SUnlight, ski cooper, and somewhere else.

edit- I was being sarcastic about the epicski thing too, I think I'd probably be denounced from the maggot community if I did that

. I'll just go to the next test, try my damndest to ski just the way they want me to, pass the fucking test and go back to skiing the way I like it.

**altagirl** · 02-23-2004, 01:15 PM

Talk to your local guys and get some assistance in learning the style the evaluators are looking for. While they may have thought your skiing was fine, they probably know what the other guys were looking for and can help you get there (even if it's for appearance and evaluation's sake only).

Sucks you have to do it again, though.

**Dr. Crash** · 02-23-2004, 03:41 PM

Viva, it's actually funny that you mention pretty points, especially here where the American system for skiing went to a great deal of effort to move away from "final form" teaching and judging to a skills-based concept.That was a big step to move away from pure form and towards evaluating one's skiing using the right metrics (not to mention that proper form for hardpack and powder hardly look the same at all!). But when those guys were looking at the tails of the skis being off in the bumps, they were likely evaluating a skill (balance from what they said, but pressure could be it too).

Half-fast and altagirl have it right: ask for a demo, and ask people who've passed (or better, given the exam) what the examiners will look for and why. The what is so you can adapt to pass the test, and the why is because you may just learn something and improve your skiing. I know I have by doing that, even though I wouldn't say I ski the "right" style all the time. But I've picked up more efficient ways of doing things along the way.

drC

**Eldo** · 02-23-2004, 03:50 PM

Try these handy exercises and you'll be wowing the patrollers in no time!

http://geo4.uibk.ac.at/users/fink/ho...t/schi1_e.html

I particulary like the "short turns holding hands." Those are bound to raise a few eyebrows on the slopes.

**PaSucks** · 02-23-2004, 04:01 PM

Originally posted by snowfire
Apparently, when I skied the bumps, sometimes the tails of my skis came off the ground when I turned. . They said "if my skis leave the ground, I have the POTENTIAL of being off balance"
[/B]

That is total bullshit. These guys dont know a ski from thier asshole. If only your tails leave the ground, it is actually an indication that you are in balance. If your tips are coming off the snow you have problems, but if it is just your tails you are in no way out of balance. And while it may not be optimal to pick your tails up in the bumps, it isnt going to hurt you unless you are in a comp or something. In fact, we have done a drill clinicing for psia stuff where they have you stand still and jump straight up. If your inbalabnce your tails will come off the ground first. You passed the test, those guys need to suck your balls.

**STD** · 02-23-2004, 04:13 PM

Yaknow, PaSucks is right....tell those slope cops to suck your balls. That'll convince them to pass you for your senior

**Dr. Crash** · 02-23-2004, 04:50 PM

Talk about a hairy proposition! (Insert link to shaving your package here.)

drC

L7 · 02-23-2004, 05:19 PM

I've taught and coached for years and have always gotten a kick out of patrols enforcing their 'standards'. Most patrollers ski technically like crap but they mostly all know the most important thing ...how not to fall down! Sounds like you have that dialled.
What you need to ask is, 'when Bode Miller is coming out of the start gate with skis almost vertical does he have the potential to fall'? Everyone has the potential to fall and it's all relative. If you move forward aggressively down a bump face to stay with your skis you will find your feet are light and easy to bring back under you. (see note on B Miller). On the other hand in the bumps sitting back and letting your skis take off in front is a guarantee to loose control at least for a moment. I'll bet most of them ski bumps in the back seat. Fuck 'em, they're idiots.

**Viva** · 02-23-2004, 05:25 PM

Originally posted by L7
Fuck 'em, they're idiots.

http://users.pandora.be/eforum/emoti...happy/1074.gif

**PaSucks** · 02-23-2004, 06:08 PM

What the hell, I say "those guys can suck your balls" and get ripped apart. L7 says "fuck 'em they're idiots" and gets applauded.

**laseranimal** · 02-23-2004, 08:09 PM

anyone ever see Lito Tehadawhatshisnames videos, he's like the maverick instructor guy because he teaches people to ski however they like as long as they follow some simple basics, anyway, in his mogul skiing instructional tape he claims that its EASIER to turn at the TOP of the mogul rather then in the trough because your skis will simply pivot because the tips and tails are off the snow rather then having to be muscled around/knee compression-extention in the troughs like is conventional mogul skiing. Now wouldn't we want our patrollers to be using techniques that WOULDN'T require excessive use of energy/muscle so that they would be able to use more energy towards aiding whoever was in trouble?

**iceman** · 02-23-2004, 09:09 PM

Originally posted by PaSucks
What the hell, I say "those guys can suck your balls" and get ripped apart. L7 says "fuck 'em they're idiots" and gets applauded.

Mainly because they ARE idiots, and also because she is female, she doesn't have balls.

Get it now?

**HyRUPz** · 02-23-2004, 09:32 PM

More fun to catch a little air in between bumps?

Better luck next time. So true re: do what they want to see and Ace it. Did it for Snowmass instructor job; hung out, learned the style and lingo, shadowed, and got hired.

They fired me 3 months later for political PSIA reasons, so careful, they're tricky bastards. You know, egocentric like the lot of us.

__________________________________________

**ak_powder_monkey** · 02-23-2004, 09:39 PM

wow what a bunch of losers, just go huck a 30 footer and then flip off the evaluators

**PaSucks** · 02-23-2004, 09:43 PM

Originally posted by iceman
Mainly because they ARE idiots, and also because she is female, she doesn't have balls.

Get it now?

Oh. Do I have permission to remove my foot now? The shoe leather is tasting pretty nasty. But I thought I made it clear that I thought they were idiots.

**Foggy_Goggles** · 02-23-2004, 09:48 PM

Isn't it unpossible to ski bump without having part of your ski in the air? I'm confussed. Why do you want to be NSP? I thought you were going for pro patrol? Of course I know nothing about ski patrol and they know nothing about me.