It sucks being Dad today

[teledave]

I had to take the day off from work to take one of my dogs to be put to sleep. He's been in a bad way for a while but has just recently taken a turn for the worse and I know its time. Hell it's really past time, but how do you really know. So my wife took the kids out and is supposed to stay gone until everything is done. I've spent the last hour digging a grave in the backyard in a downpour. Now, I'm just waiting to leave for the vet's in a half hour or so. This is one of those times when I don't know how to deal with things with my kids, what to tell them, how much to tell them, how to tell them, etc. It always seemed like my Dad knew how to do stuff like this, but I am really clueless and just faking my way through it. Sorry for the drama, just venting a little.

[Mr.Scruff]

Sucks, I had to bury my cat today, also in the rain

[MarsB]

That's a tough one. What age are the kids? Having the dog buried before they get back might be easier for little ones. When the come home, take them aside and explain that your dog has passed away, and answer their questions from there. Explain to them that he was sick and that he is now at peace. That the vet trys to help dogs, but yours was in too much pain and that putting him to sleep stopped that pain. If they are older, they may want to say their goodbyes before you bury him. Either way, you should have a little ceremony, talk about the good times you had with him, and make a marker of some kind for the grave. Hopefully this will help ease their grief a little. You sound like a good dad.

[The Dad]

Dave:

In the space of a year, we put down our 14-year-old dog (he was my wife's before we even met), moved, and put down our 10+ year old cat (adopted as an adult, so we didn't know his true age). My kids had basically never known a house without those animals.

The kids know your dog is sick. You might not have talked about it, but they know.

We basically told the kids that their pets were going in to the vet, and might not get better, so they should give them big hugs. Then a couple of days later, we told them that they had died. They took it reasonably well, but have fond memories of the animals, and have named stuffed animals after them.

It was a little easier for us, because we opted for cremation -- neither my wife nor I are big on graves. You can't wait to tell the kids, because you'll have a hole in the backyard.

If it's not too late, give the kids a chance to say goodbye, though.

Oh, and in case you haven't realized it yet, our dads were just figuring it out as it went along too.

[cinnepa]

damn, i'm getting choked up just reading these stories.........i can't even imagine how i'm going to deal with this when the time comes for our dog.

[fez]

my wife (Becky) had a dog from childhood. a little bichon named Louie. Becky is 5 to 7 yrs older than her siblings and had moved to Red Lodge and left the dog with her family. Louie wasn't doing too well, so Becky's parents waited until the weekend of state football championships when all the kids would be out of town. Then took Louie to the vet to be put down.

When Becky's twin brother and sister got home her parents sat them down and told them about putting Louie to sleep.

Becky's brother and sister got very upset, asked their father how he could do that.

Dad explained that Louie wasnt doing well, was in pain, it was time.

Becky's brother responded 'But it is Becky's birthday!'.
Dad had forgotten.

So Becky's dad put her dog down on her 22nd birthday.

so i what im saying is check the calendar and make sure it isnt anyones birthday. that and get it done before christmas i guess.

and dads dont have all the answers.

[Buzzworthy]

Dave,

I am sorry to hear about this. You know how much I love dogs and kids. I am going to have a real hard time with Taylor and Zanik when he goes. She is only 2 and knows "puppy" real well and loves him to death (he is old and not as into her as she is him).

How to deal with a 2 year old saying "puppy" in a sad voice is going to be hard.

You are a wonderful parent and it all will come to you. AlpineDad, I do like reading your posts as a younger father here. You have a lot of wisdom that I can learn from.


Yes, the kids know the dog is sick. Roll with it and I feel you will do just fine. I hope the kids take it ok and understand that their puppy loved them very much.

[The Dad]

AlpineDad, I do like reading your posts as a younger father here. You have a lot of wisdom that I can learn from.

Thanks, even if you're better off learning from my mistakes, or from the fact that you're not alone, than any so-called wisdom. One of the realities of being a parent is coming to terms with the fact that perfection is completely unattainable, and minimizing major screwups is all you can really aspire to. (That, and avoiding ending sentences with prepositions.)

I don't think there's any great way to handle this kind of issue, and with few exceptions (e.g., putting the pet down on a kid's birthday), there aren't that many awful ones. It varies from kid to kid how they're going to take it. Trust your instincts, and hug the kids.

[fez]

so Becky is a lurker who won't post, but she read what i posted above and cursed me for making her cry. she also added this:

Just tell him, that when his kids grow up and have their own pet’s life expectancies to deal with they will understand how hard it was for him and think he’s the bravest dad ever.

[mnflyfish]

I too might be having one of those talks. We took in a cat in early Nov. I did everything I could think of tofind the owners and found nothing. Went to the vet to have the cat scanned for a micro chip, and finally called out local police to see if anyone had reported their cat missing. Found nothing. So this cat has become part of the family, the kids bought gifts for the cat, convinced my wife that the cat needed a stocking, etc. Get a call today from the police about a missing cat. They left a message, I returned it leaving a message for the officer that had called, still waiting to hear back. I hope they are looking for a different one, I'm really not looking forward to the conversation about the kitty going back to her home.

As for your situation, vibes and prayers. I don't know what you should say to your kids. I'm trying toremember what my dad said to me when I was little but I'm at a loss. It will come to you though.

Good Luck,
Jay

[PNWbrit]

Vibes ++++

Sorry about your pooch and the tough talk to the kids.

[hutash]

I have dealt with this on both sides. The simple solution is to be honest, and answer you kids questions. Don't assume to much, let them direct the conversation. Kids a tougher than we dads think, and handle this things amazingly well. When there is a problem, it is usually because we as parent try to shelter our kids too much.

I just had to put a families cat down. The whole family was there, and each kid dealt with it differently. I just explained why it was time, and answered each kids question in turn. There were tears all around, but we all got through it. I have had to put my own pets down, and deal with my own kids, but I feel they are stronger for it in the end. My daughters still want to be vets, so I must have done some thing right.

Don't under estimate your kids, regardless of age, they are sharper than you think.

Good luck.

[smmokan]

So sorry Dave... I know how it feels to have that happen, just went through it earlier this year. Losing my best friend was the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and because of it I'm always sure to give my two dogs now the most attention and love they can handle.

[warthog]

Don't worry Dave, you Dad was just wingin' it too. They all do. Just go with your instinct, your kids will remember you handling it well too.

I dread the day either of my dogs get to that point. I can imagine your pain.

On a positive note, at least it happened this way. We had a dog get hit by a car in front of our house. Really fucked us kids up for a while, and is still the only time I have seen my father full on lose it. He didn't even cry that much at his father's funeral.

So you have that going for you, which is nice.

[cl1953]

Pets, while giving us a lifetime of joy, leave us with heartbreak. Grwoing up our dog was ill and while I went off to school, my Dad had to deal with having her put down. Years later, my wife's dog got old and sick and I had to take her to the vet. Hardest thing I have ever done. It is a life lesson for Dads and kids,

Now I have 2 dogs. The lab is almost 10 and I know in a few years it will be time. I dread it now, but wouldn't change the time with CJ for anything.

[StokeSmack]

We buried our cat recently,who was older than both our girls. It was the first time I've ever seen either of them experience real grief. It was bitter and sweet and sad to see them dealing with a brand new set of emotions and lose a little more innocence. We made a marker and now everyone who visits has to pay their respects. Of course, having a few other cats hanging around helped things a bit.

[MrClean]

damn, i'm getting choked up just reading these stories.........i can't even imagine how i'm going to deal with this when the time comes for our dog.

Yeah... man... I have thought about this (rarely I try) cause my dog is a rescue, but has managed wormed his way into both me and my familes hearts in under a year.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ vibes

As a single guy, all I can say is that I know my father was winging it and altough at the the time I might've bitched or whined, to this day, I appreicate the honestly he presented of any situation.

Sorry you have to go through this.

[teledave]

Thanks for all your well wishes and prayers guys.

My kids are 7 & 10. I really was wanting to wait until after the holidays, but in hindsight it worked out as well as it could. Doing it right before Christmas made the grieving period much shorter just because everyone got so busy. My daughter is already wanting a new dog to keep our other dog company. I want to wait until Spring on that.

I probably took it harder than anyone. This was the second (and last) of mine and my wife's original dogs we had when we got married. He was 17 (old thread here- http://www.tetongravity.com/forums/s...buried+friend), our other dog (and still my favorite) died two years ago at 15.

Now we have Sparky, a mutt we got from someone giving away puppies at the soccer field. He howls and eats too darn much.
Sparky

[yentna]

Got me tearing up at work - so sorry for what you had to go through. Sounds like you did a good job of handling it.

Good luck and vibes for your grief passing, and for a new pup to find a place in your home and hearts.

[The Dad]

Sparky is adorable.

Good to hear that it went as well as it could.

[jtran10]

I'll be going through this within the next year I'm guessing, although I don't have to play the dad roll. Still heartbreaking though.

Hope everyone gets through it. +++