(NSR) Republican Humor

[The Reverend Floater]

Things You Have to Believe to be a Republican Today
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
“Standing Tall for America” means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.
A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.
Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s driving record is none of our business.
You support states’ rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the ’80s is irrelevant.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.


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How To Be a Good Republican
You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.
You have to be against all government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time.
You have to believe that AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs.
You have to appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun.
You have to believe everything Rush Limbaugh says.
You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor.
You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.
You have to believe society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.
You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit.
You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.
You have to believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really faithful husbands.
You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.
You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.
You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company, corporation, or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bail out.
You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.
You have to believe government has nothing to do with providing police protection, national defense, and building roads.
You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher.
You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles have killed more Americans than handguns, alcohol, and tobacco.
You have to believe that the ACLU is bad because they defend the Constitution, while the NRA is good because they defend the Constitution.
You have to believe that socialism hasn't worked anywhere, and that Europe doesn't exist.
You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but that large corporations should be free of all regulation and interference.
You have to believe that government should stay out of people's lives, yet you want government to regulate same-gender marriages, access to birth control, and what your official language should be.
You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.

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John Ashcroft goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the the Patriot Act.
After his talk, he has a "question and answer" period. One little boy raises his hand and the Attorney General asks him for his name.

"Paul."

"And what is your question, Paul?"

"I have three questions: First, why has the White House cooperated so poorly with the Congressional probe into 9/11 intelligence failures? Second, why haven't you been able to figure out who publicly "outed" Valerie Plame as a CIA spy? And third, how on earth did you manage to lose a Senate election to a dead man?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Ashcroft informs the children that they will continue after recess.

When they resume he says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up. Ashcroft points to him and asks him for his name.

"Larry."

"And what is your question?"

"I have five questions: First, why has the White House cooperated so poorly with the Congressional probe into 9/11 intelligence failures? Second, why haven't you been able to figure out who publicly "outed" Valerie Plame as a CIA spy? Third, how on earth did you manage to lose a Senate election to a dead man? Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, what happened to Paul?"


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George W. Bush chokes on another pretzel but this time, he's not so lucky and he dies and ends up at the Pearly Gates.
"And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter.

"It's me, George Dubya Bush, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World."

"Oh... Mr... President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter.

"I'd like to come in," replies Bush.

"Sure," says the Saint. "But first, you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?"

Bush bites his lip and answers, "Well, I signed up for the Texas Air National Guard to avoid Vietnam but I left my unit without permission but you can't call me 'AWOL' because it takes a court-martial to determine that and one was never held. I also lied to the country about weapons of mass destruction and terrorism so that I could invade Iraq and steal their oil but you can't call it 'bearing false witness' because I wasn't under oath. I also cut services to the poor to fund tax cuts for the rich but you can't call that 'stealing' because it was all done perfectly legally."

With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, "Okay, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell'. You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity'. And when you enter, you don't have to abandon all hope, just hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."


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On the first day of third grade, George W. Bush's teacher asked the students to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But George Jr. did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only three mistakes. At home, he told his dad, George H.W. Bush, how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's because you are a Bush, son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but George Jr. outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only the letter "m". That evening, once again, he brought his dad up-to-date, and his father explained, "That's because you are a Bush, son".

The next day, after Physical Education class, the boys were taking showers. George Jr. noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed quite "well-endowed". This confused him. That night, he asked his father, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm a Bush?"

"No, son," explained dad, "That's because you're 18."

[Trackhead]

Thank you for several minutes of entertaining, cynical, but sadly, mostly true observations.

[Dr. Gaper]

Two liberal psychologists were walking down the street discussing starvation in the United States when they came upon a man laying in the street. He had been beaten, stabbed with a knife, and shot and he layed crying for help. The one liberal looked at the other lib and said "We got to find out who did this and help them".

[Dr. Gaper]

Question - What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?

Answer -A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

Question - What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?

Answer -A competent liberal President.

Question - Why do the male members of the Kennedy family cry while having sex?

Answer - Mace.

Question - Who was the first liberal Democrat?

Answer -Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going,got there not knowing where he was,left not knowing where he'd been and did it all on borrowed money.

Liberals are like seagulls: all they do is squawk, eat crap, and they are protected by the government.

[Dr. Gaper]

Q: How do you tell the difference between a liberal and a conservative?
A: Easy. Watch a man drowning fifty feet offshore.
The conservative will throw out 25 feet of rope and shout "swim for it!"

The liberal will toss out 50 feet of rope, drop his own end, and go off to do another good deed.

[Dr. Gaper]

Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a .357 Magnum and you are an expert
shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer: Well that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that s inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to
wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.


Conservative Answer: I shoot the SOB!!!

[tuffy109]

looks like someone was hurt by your post rev.

[Dr. Gaper]

http://politicalhumor.about.com/libr...eatesthits.jpg

http://politicalhumor.about.com/libr.../spineless.jpg

[Dr. Gaper]

YOU MIGHT BE A DEMOCRAT IF...




* You feel Fidelity means not cheating on your mistress.


* You cry every May 4th over the four people killed at Kent State, but have never been to the Vietnam Memorial.

* Along the same lines, "Four Dead in OHIO" by Neil Young gives you goosebumps, but "19" by Paul Hardcastle means nothing to you.

* You know of the stockpile of biological weapons in Iraq, but think that the US is wrong for not signing the land mines treaty.

* You want to know why we don't offer schooling in prisons (hey, isn't that what public schools are for).

* You think those stupid ribbons actually accomplish something.

* You tout the NAACP, but criticize anyone referring to a black man as a "colored person."

* You feel that being convicted of treason is an infringement on your first amendment rights.

* You honestly feel that alcoholics deserve social security disability benefits.


* You think it is ok for a President to commit perjury on his sex life, but criticize Dan Quayle for spelling potato/potatoe wrong.

* You stood on a soapbox demanding that Anita Hill be heard, but want Paula Jones' accusations to be swept under the rug.

* You think the guy who drops out of High School and builds your jeep deserves more money than the doctor who went to college for 10 years and saves your kids life.

* You sang along to "Give Peace a Chance" during the Gulf War.

* You've filed for unemployment within two weeks of getting out of high school.

* You went to Woodstock II and felt that it was a significant historical event, changing the way our country thinks.

* You own something that says, "Dukakis for President," and still display it.

* You've tried to argue in favor of anything based on, "Well, they're gonna do it anyway so..."

* You've ever said, "We really should call the ACLU about this."

* You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.

* You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..."

* You've ever argued that with just one more year of welfare that person will turn it around and get off drugs.

* You think Lennon was a brilliant social commentator.

* You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.

* You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.

* After looking at your pay stub you can still say, "America is undertaxed."

[char]

You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.

It's a good thing Boise Cascade et al, had already fucked the loggers up the ass with their unsustainable logging practices so I can sleep at night.

[tuffy109]

that last one was pretty weak dr. gaper.

[dipstik]

Originally posted by Dr. Gaper
YOU MIGHT BE A DEMOCRAT IF...

* You've ever argued that with just one more year of welfare that person will turn it around and get off drugs.

quality.


Just beware, there are only 4 republicans on this entire board. Trust me.

[iceman]

Illiterate prep school boy speaks.

[char]

Originally posted by dipstik
quality.


Just beware, there are only 4 republicans on this entire board. Trust me.

Please feel free to define "Republican."

[Samwich]

Dr Gaper-

instead of posting lists of why democrats are morons, can you categorically deny every single one of the points made in Rev's 1st list?

I am neither democrat nor republican (i'm undecided, and only 17) so i'd like you to attempt to persuade me that the republican viewpoint makes sense. As of right now, for all of the democrats' failings, their side looks more reasonable. Make a republican out of me in time for the next election, which I will be old enough to vote in.

[char]

Sam-

Don't buy into either side. They all are pretty much scum sucking leeches, but I'm pretty sure you've got that figured out.

[Dr. Gaper]

Originally posted by Samwich
Dr Gaper-

instead of posting lists of why democrats are morons, can you categorically deny every single one of the points made in Rev's 1st list?

I am neither democrat nor republican (i'm undecided, and only 17) so i'd like you to attempt to persuade me that the republican viewpoint makes sense. As of right now, for all of the democrats' failings, their side looks more reasonable. Make a republican out of me in time for the next election, which I will be old enough to vote in.

Do your own dirty work.

[Honc]

This thread is awesome.

Based on Samwich's demands/cry for help, he appears to have "Lefty" written all over him. See you at the polls.

[EPSkis]

Just out of curiosity:

Ummm - if we're stealing Iraq's oil for America's consumption, why am I paying $1.79 for regular?

[Viva]

Probably a rerun:

Curriculum Vitae

George W. Bush

The White House, USA

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

LAW ENFORCEMENT:

I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.

MILITARY:

I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL.
I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

COLLEGE:

I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:

I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock. I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. With the help of my father and our right-wing friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:

I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America. I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money. I set the record for the most executions by any governor in Ameri can history ith the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court,I brecame President after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record. I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.

I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.

I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.

I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period. I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market. In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.

I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.

I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.

I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations. My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron. My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. SupremeCourt during my election decision.

I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history.

I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.

I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.

I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts. I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in U.S. history.

I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.

I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.

I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.

I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law. I refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.

I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).

I set the record for fewest number of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.

I set the the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.

I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.

I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues(15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.

I am t he first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupationof a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S.. citizens, and the world community.

I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families -- in war time. In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq, then blamed the lies on our British friends.

I am the first President in history to have a majority of
Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.

I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.

I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view. All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004.

[Dexter Rutecki]

Originally posted by Dr. Gaper
Do your own dirty work.

In other words, no, he can't refute any of it. You've already got it figured out Sam, the Republicans want you to vote based on jingoistic sentiment, but if you use your head you'll see through it.
That's pretty much it.

[lemon boy]

Sam-- While I am certainly not advocating the libertarian party (I am not a "free market" proponent but do generally like their social stances) they have some really wonderful tools to help folks get a handle on what party best fits them:

http://www.theadvocates.org/quiz.html

The worlds shortest political quiz- gives you a quick compass, in the US it roughly translates to: West = Dem, North = Lib, East = Rep, South = Nazi ( )

Platform Matcher:
http://www.lp.org/issues/platform/compare/

Nobody can (I hope) convince you to fly one way or another choosing a political philosophy takes a good amount of work and thought about you beliefs and convictions. Lots and lots of people's pol-phil changes over their lifetimes as different issues start to take priority in their lives.

Also, another really wonderful resource: http://www.vote-smart.org

[Clack]

Originally posted by EPSkis
Just out of curiosity:

Ummm - if we're stealing Iraq's oil for America's consumption, why am I paying $1.79 for regular?

Bush doesn't have the balls to colonize the place. Sure he'll go in and fuck around with it, but he lacks vision.


Good links LB. I give the Libertarian party my throw away vote when I really dislike the other candidates.

[DaveTV]

And for those who throw the term "Liberal" around like it's something to be ashamed of:


liberal --adjective
1 relating to or having social and political views that favor progress and reform

2 relating to or having policies or views advocating individual freedom

3 giving and generous in temperament or behavior

4 tolerant of other people

5 abundant; lavish
example: a liberal helping of cream

6 not strict; free

7 of or relating to an education that aims to develop general cultural interests and intellectual ability
noun
8 a person who has liberal ideas or opinions
[ETYMOLOGY: 14th Century: from Latin liberalis of freedom, from liber free]
'liberally adverb(ial)
'liberalness noun
***

conservative --adjective
1 favoring the preservation of established customs, values, etc., and opposing innovation

2 tending to be moderate or cautious

3 conventional in style or type

4 a person who is reluctant to change or consider new ideas; conformist

5 a supporter or advocate of conservatism
adjective, noun
con'servatively adverb(ial)
con'servativeness noun

[Eve Rest]

Just to add a Brit flavour to this (oh and if you're phucked off at the price of gas - it's over $6 a gallon over here

President Bush is hosting a formal dinner at the White House where many heads of state and leading Ambassadors are attending. After a sumptious meal and some of the finest wine on the planet, the dinner breaks up and George Bush walks out onto the terrace for a quiet cigar and to contemplate the goodwill he's garnered from such a splendid occassion.

As he stares out accross the White House lawns, he is approached, almost apologetically by the Saudi Ambassador, who thanks the President for his hospitality.

"No problem, Mr Ambassador, you're more than welcome, but I sense there is another pressing issue that you would wish to discuss"

"Indeed there is Mr President" replies the Amabassador, continuing "As you know, my son is a big fan of Star Trek, and he's raised a question that I wonder if you could help me with"

"Certainly Mr Ambassador, fire away, I'll see what I can do"

"Well Mr President, in the show, there are many characters and aliens, and amongst the humans there are Frenchmen, Americans, Afro-Caribbeans, Russians and even Chinese."

"OK, Mr Ambassador, what seems to be your point"

"Well Mr President, my son wondered why there are no Arabs in the show"

"Hah! That's easy Mr Ambassador............it's set in the future!"