Butterface (possibly NSFW)

[Bodhi]

I posted this in the Get Drunk Thread as well...

What... exactly... is a "butterface"????

Asandygal, here’s a lurid story you and others MOMNHH...and it happened sort-of right across the street from your house in Canyon Lake one night...

Disclaimer: this is long and Penthouse Forum-ish, maybe NSFW





“The Reluctant Wingman” --by Bodhi Smith

So it is a Friday night and I see my neighbor, Steve, pull in his driveway...the poor lug is a big Dallas Cowboys fan and they had lost the week before in an embarrassment, so I, of course, had to give him some grief about it, as well as a sympathetic brew and some convos...I hang out at his place too long as usual and his fridge stock goes to nil (obviously he was not expecting any drink company).

So I inform him about some mondo sweet quaffs I picked up from back east that I have cold on the shelf--some mouthwatering Magic Hat #9. Unlike him, I always have drinking stock in the fridge and spirits in the freezer, and before we know it, we are plowed and talking about hitting a few of the local pubs in our area.

We choose Pepe's--a total dive across the street from the gate Nazi’s of Canyon Lake, and proceed to do beer, Jager bombs, and a plethora of other garbage can drinks...

After about half an hour or so sitting at the bar getting more shit-faced and shooting the shit with the barmaid tossing back alcohol left and right...these two chicks materialize on the dance floor. My buddy is ogling the good looking one, and of course, she is liking his clean-cut upstanding look and not my goofy-ass hippy-ski-bum-in-a-beanie persona...

But we, of course, are looking at two chicks dancing, just not paying any attention to the ugly one. Unfortunately my friend scores stare-lock with the cute one...so the eye-bender thinks I am looking at her, and unlike her hot friend, she seems to dig goofy-ass hippy-ski-bum-in-a-beanie personas.

But, this chick is just plain facial-fugly...however as a cruel joke, she does have a great body, actually one hella a fine toned bod--abs with a sixer, c-cups, sweet-ass pooper, fantastic legs with a nice kwei at the top. If she had her back turned to ya, you'd want her to turn around to check out the front, but then an avalanche would bury you in the nastiness bewilderment of her face.

But her face. My god, her face. Oh, the humanity of it all. One tries to focus on her fine form, and she has one of the best bodies you will ever see...but your eyes would be mystically drawn to the manglement above her shoulders...just exactly the same morbid fascination of the compulsion to look at blood-strewn carnage of a car crash as you drive by on the freeway--you do not want to look at it, but are compelled for some freakish reason, and then find yourself staring unforgivingly.

Maybe this is why the Venus de Milo has her head cut off?

Anyway, I think Miss Ugly thought I was staring at her boogie-ing on the dance floor because I was enamored in her. Nope. She had a really hot friend I would love to bed down. I was watching Miss Hottie bop and bounce. Not wanting to be-gaze Miss Ugly's butt-nasty face, which was just by far the weirdest thing I have ever seen on a lady.

She was a physical oxymoron.

Her facial-form is just plain wrong. Her hair is a shoulder-length tanglement of dirty-dishwater blonde locks--probably a mess from a perm gone wrong, her forehead is massive enough to project a widescreen horror movie, she has a semi-unibrow hovering over caveman cheekbones--and cheeks with huge pits from a long-lost battle with acne in her teens, her nose is too damn large and pointy and bends to the left like Rocky Balboa, she has nose hairs dangling out that could make her look like a party favor if she happened to sneeze, she has a trippy upside-down smile with badly crooked yellow obnoxious Austin Powers teeth, and a cleft chin--how in the fuck is a poor unsuspecting little girl born with a cleft chin? She did have soft-sweet blue eyes with long eye-lashes--the only managed oasis in her list of awful face features.

A most shitty song comes on that clears the dance floor, and these two chicks make their way over to us at the bar, probably to start with some meaningless small talk. As they are approaching I comment "Oh, great. I guess this means I get the ugly one."

Non-verbal communications between the guys ensues...no answer from Steve, just a smile like the cat-who-knows-he-is-about-to-eat-the-canary. I shoot back a look stating that I knew my role as the wingman and that Steve would be dearly owing me BIG for this one. Big.

First thing that comes to mind after Miss ugly is almost nose-to-nose with me and she opens her mouth is, "Thank god her breath does not reek."

Then 5 long seconds after listening to her, I decide I cannot stand her annoying voice.

Then 10 seconds later, she up and grabs my 6-inch goatee hard enough to force my head to nod downward and then proceeds to blurt out with a yellow-toothed upside down smile,
"Let me cut off your goatee."

I deadpan back emotionless,
"No."

She thankfully releases her grip, freeing my head back into its correct position, but says,
"Come-on, just let me shave it for you."

"No."

"Let me shave it."

"No."

"Why not?"

"No. I do not want you to."

"It would just be..."

"No. Please stop it."

"You really need to have that thing removed from your face--it would make you so much better looking." Ha! This ironically coming from the ugliest woman I have ever been face to face with.

"No. Please leave me alone."

Buddy Steve shoots me the look of, "Are you fucking this up, are you fucking up my chance of scoring with the hot chick?"

Then the persistent stupid nasty one,
"Come into the lady's room with me--I have a razor in my purse, I can shave it in a few minutes, you will love me for it."

"No. Please stop. Stop Now."

The feeble one track minded bitch keeps it up,
"Let me just shave that thing off your chin..."

[in my mind] Snap...Almost the same sound of her hitting every damn one of the branches on the ugly tree as she fell helplessly to the earth.

"I am telling you, I will quit bugging you if you simply agree to let me cut it off, right here, right now."

The bad reference to a Van Halen song pushes me beyond the edges of wingman.

Snap. Snap, Snappidy-snap-snap.

"No, means no. I will state it again. NO! Leave me the fuck alone, please. I beg of you as politely as I can at this point, Go. A-W-A-Y."

"No need to get all pissy about it, Mr. Sensitive. I was just trying to have some fun and give you a better look at the same time. What is wrong with me just shaving that off for you?"

[in my mind--Ahhhggggggg!!!!! Make her stop, please god, make it stop]

"You mistake my meaning, I guess. You annoy me. Please just walk away from me and go away. Please do it now. Go talk to the fake palm over there or order some tacos and stuff your face. Leave me the fuck alone!" I almost said "ugly face" to her ugly face, but somehow politely refrained from it.

She walked off almost crying and her hot friend had to follow her.

Steve is pissed at me and flies off the handle with a shitload of vile obscenities directed at me for fucking up what he saw was a plush situation that had getting laid written all over it.

"Try doing tandem with the ugly. I am out."

Me, amazed to hear that it came up in Steve's conversation with the hottie, but that ugly was not into chicks. Which is mind-boggling shocking, to say the least, with all of Miss Ugly's manly facial features.

He walks away from me, pursues Miss Hottie and they have some discussion...he come back to me and says,
"Let's get outta here."

Cool, fine by me.

continued below...

[Bodhi]

We go and check out another bar in the same plaza for a bit, but there is no prospect of Steve or I getting laid unless we want to roll a few fatties in flower and go for wet spots...we left out best chance at Pepe's. He knew it and I knew it.

But I did not want to go back. Great for him to have a chance at a fine piece of ass, but what was on my slate was not so appealing to me, and I was fubar rocked from all the drinks. Even with me bestowing views through extreme beer-goggles, she was too goddam fugly.

But Steve was driving, he was my ride...so he drove the grueling .1 miles across the short plaza parking lot to return to the scene of my macabre--Pepe's.

I should have just started walking home at that point, but did not want to get arrested for a WUI, "walking-under-the-influence"--a crime in Canyon Lake it would seem. Looks like I had to play wingman for him one last time this night. See it though to the end, stay the course... he emphasized that I did not have to lay the Ugly, just be nice to her.

We go back into the bar, nightmare deja-vu for me. He goes over to the girls and talks to them while I down three more Jager bombs at the bar and get told by the kind barmaid that after a fourth I would be cut-off.

Steve is still talking to the women, and then abruptly finishes. He comes back over my way with an indescribable mortified look of confusion on his face and says to me,
"They will not have anything to do with either of us unless you apologize to the girl."

Steve shoots me a most pathetic "Pretty-Please" begging look.

My jaw hit the top of the bar, and stammer out some nasty superlatives and finally say,
"No fucking way. Lets go. We can still make it outta here alive and leave while I still have a pair of testicles."

Steve is thinking with only his dick and bribes me with hard to resist bait--a promise to special order a whole case of Magic Hat #9 and have it delivered to my doorstep.

"Ah, man, fuck. Shit. Christ to hell. Goddammit. Fuck-me."

Steve then sets the hook,
"Dude, you are a great friend, do this for me."

"Ok, but.."

"I know, I know."

I walk over to the girls and kneel down next to Miss Ugly and whisper an apology in her massive right ear, so as I did not have to look her in the face,
"Sorry about being so rude with you earlier, I know you were just trying to have some fun with me. I can easily be an asshole at times. I am just a guy after all..."

Miss Ugly Smiles.
Miss Hottie Smiles.
Steve Smiles.
I smile.

[in my mind--let me just take off and start running right now, escape, get outta here, run for your life NOW!!!]

Talk goes well, I stare at the wall behind the fake palm tree mostly...Steve is definitely going to get laid, and he knows it. I, well, I do not have a clue where my night is going to head at its fruition.

I have visions of going home and cleaning the toilets, or cleaning out the dog-shit receptacle, or doing my taxes early, or organizing my sock drawer, or scrubbing the floor, or washing my dirty undies--anything but balling down Miss Ugly. Please, god do not let me do it. Dick, stay down tonight, do NOT do give my mind any ideas. Down Boy, down.

Then it happens like a train-wreck.

Miss Ugly says,
"I know you got pissy before, but I just have to say this again--let me shave off your goatee."

But I did not snap. Holy shit, I still cannot believe I did not snap when she had the gall to ask me one more time, after all I said earlier, and then my apology, she then said it one more time. F-u-c-k, me.

"Let me shave it off." Cranky.

Maybe it was the sedation from the alcohol, or just my fuck-it attitude at that point of the night...or just maybe my dick had some secret subconscious treaty with my mind.

I cannot believe what comes next out of my mouth,
"Let me shave you, and I will let you shave my goat."

Faster than fast was her reply with a huge smile.
"Yes! Sure, lets go now."

Steve and Miss Hottie had been dry humpin for over the past ten minutes and had no objections to getting outta there then and now, and fast.

Steve navigates us home and throws some reggae in the car stereo for the ride to appease me a bit, he knew I was getting the raw end of this deal.

I try to be Mr. Stoic as Miss Ugly is nibbling on my ear, which of course, is getting me to think about things differently than earlier in the night as blood flows into other areas of my body...she is beginning to look "not that bad" to me.

Steve pulls into his driveway and bids me and my prize adieu through mumbled liplock with his hottie.

Butterface and I walk across the street to my abode.

Dude (my pup) greets us at the door and gives her a sloppy wet kiss--so I guess Dude did not care she was a bit un-pretty.

We strip, and I am loving her body. Wow, fantastic. I throw her down on the bed and motion for her to lay there and wait a moment as I got up to fetch a disposable razor, shaving cream, and a box of prophylactics. I return in full salute in honor of the excitement of doing a deed I had only ever dreamed of doing...

I lather her up and start shaving her--noticing how her belly is flat and toned. This gal has to have to best body of any girl I have ever been with...but her face, uhhhg.

I continue with the task, just focusing on her perfect body. She actually had a pretty sweet patch of nether, which I was going to carve a landing strip into. She has a bit of boniness in the middle of her hump and I accidentally cut her (just a little nick), she moans but not in pain...

I finish the deed, really enjoying the trimming below, and managing not to hurt her in and around any of the delicate pink areas. I got her baby-smooth. She orgasms a few times during the whole thing, which of course gets me going beyond belief...

I bring her a hand mirror and she admires my job above and below...she is all over me, wanting to get busy and finish things for me before she shaved me...cool with me.

Best sex I think I have even had. Almost like we had been life-long lovers keenly in tune with each other...we went at it for nearly 3 hours with me managing to squeeze out three times--have not done that many since I was 19 yrs old!

She did shave off my goatee that night in between the first and second time, and I hate to admit it, but I do agree it does make me look better. I saved it in a baggie for some crazy gross reason (I have no answer), maybe to freak out too-drunken house guests, or maybe to auction off at some TGR garage-sale someday.

In the morning I made her some homemade French toast (in bed), and bid her off soon after that. We got together one more time the next week for some more heated sex, but now I have been seeing a pretty-faced 23yr old, and have not called her since...

But it is all in all one bitter-sweet memory.

peace,
D.

ps--yep, I still have her number saved on the cell, just in case. er as well

[smmokan]

That was some good reading while I sit in my cubicle here at work.

[Tippster]

[DJSapp]

Was it her?

[fridge]

You don't have to fuck the face!

[Joey Bag O' Donuts]

Haaaaa!! Thats some funnt shit D

[NorCascader]

Gawd that is some top notch quality shit.
THAT should be published in Powder.
Amazing to read shit like this while getting paid....

FUCKING A+++++++ SELLER

disturbingly real.

[Bodhi]

...disturbingly real.

Ummm, err, uh, problem is, it was real...and *that* fuckin freaks me out....

Joey Bags--somehow I knew you would get a kick outta this one, another crazy chapter in my weird ass life beginning I guess...

DJ--looks like married life is treating you well, so I would never make your wife cheat on you bro ...and dood, make that woman shave upstairs damn you!

peace,
D.

[soul_skier]

you couldn't just give her the "flip over" motion?

[Egon]

hah! great read.

[jonesy]

A man will go places with a hard-on that he would not go with a machine gun.

[lemon boy]

dude, that is pure awesomeness. A buddy that I used to work with always said: She's just a light switch away from beautiful.

[snowsprite]

lol...it's stories like these that make me appreciate being un-male!

Sprite

[rideit]

lol...it's stories like these that make me appreciate being un-male!

Sprite

Cause you have an innie, and we have outies?

[P_McPoser]

So, you no longer have a goatee? I CANNOT picture that haha.
Great read man!

[jed peters]

Greatest

Trip Report

Ever

[GBB]

I was cracking up at the cleaning the dog shit receptacle part of the story.

Great stuff.

[Donkey Punch]

The worst advice I ever got from a fellow dirt bike racer. "Dude don't waste your time with hott chicks, just go ugly early." He made fork leg stickers that say Go Ugly Early, kind of freaks me out. I guess ugly chicks need loving to.

[str8line]

She was a physical oxymoron.

Her facial-form is just plain wrong. Her hair is a shoulder-length tanglement of dirty-dishwater blonde locks--probably a mess from a perm gone wrong, her forehead is massive enough to project a widescreen horror movie, she has a semi-unibrow hovering over caveman cheekbones--and cheeks with huge pits from a long-lost battle with acne in her teens, her nose is too damn large and pointy and bends to the left like Rocky Balboa, she has nose hairs dangling out that could make her look like a party favor if she happened to sneeze, she has a trippy upside-down smile with badly crooked yellow obnoxious Austin Powers teeth, and a cleft chin--how in the fuck is a poor unsuspecting little girl born with a cleft chin? She did have soft-sweet blue eyes with long eye-lashes--the only managed oasis in her list of awful face features.

You are a good man for making her breakfast.

[soul_skier]

at least you got a case of magic hat #9 out of it, the one thing i'm truly going to miss about VT when I go

[bklyn]

Three words...
Hall of Fame

[BeanDip4All]

A man will go places with a hard-on that he would not go with a machine gun.

BWAA!! 1234

[Atrain505]

Hilarious...but the Venus de Milo does not have her head cut off.
She has butter arms.

Thought I'd add...priceless...holy shit priceless.

[erica_z]

bravo, my compatriot...bravo.


still can't believe you let her shave your extended-soul patch, but hey, you got to shave some beaver, and thats fancy.

jolly good show.