warning..... puns

**mntlion** · 10-20-2006, 10:09 AM

not at all skiing related, but I found them funny

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess
looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per
passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says,"Dam"!

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The
other says
"Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"
they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts
boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from
the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went
back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival
florist
hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so,
thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super
calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh.
No pun in ten did????

**Buster Highmen** · 10-20-2006, 10:14 AM

You missed the story about the scientist trying to give everlasting life to dolphins. In the course of his work, he found that a rare African seagull would extend the dolphin's life for a long time. But he had to go to a state zoo in Africa to get some. After procuring the seagull, he had to step around the zoo's pet lion to leave. He was immediately arrested for transporting gulls across state lions for immortal porpoises.

**Benny Profane** · 10-20-2006, 10:21 AM

I have some bad news. Because of my participating way too much in phone sex lately, I have hearing aids.

**kellen** · 10-20-2006, 10:30 AM

That was rough...

**Big E** · 10-20-2006, 10:30 AM

Exactly how much medication are you on, mntlion !?!

**Sutter** · 10-20-2006, 10:32 AM

Almost fell out of my seat for most of these. I'm a nerd.

**Buster Highmen** · 10-20-2006, 10:34 AM

In the great desert lived a band of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard was their chief.

After leading the band for many years, Benny began to fell uncomfortable wearing the beard, in this hot and dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, so he called his council together to get their advice.

When he said he wanted to shave, the councilmen were shocked. One said, "Do you not remember the ancient legend, Sire. The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware."

Benny had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he scoffed at the tale.

Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut and scraped away his once magnificent beard. As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader.

The council then knew the legend must be true. Their conclusion? "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."

**BeanDip4All** · 10-20-2006, 10:40 AM

Originally Posted by mntlion

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"
they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts
boasting in an open foyer."

hee

I love chess humor.

**ljm** · 10-20-2006, 10:59 AM

Paints were a very precious quantity in the good old days, and
British merchants could make a young fortune supplying paints to the
colonies. One company sent a clipper ship full of red paint across
the ocean. It had the very bad luck to collide with another ship full
of blue paint. As a result of this disaster, both crews were marooned.

**Arty50** · 10-20-2006, 11:13 AM

Whatever you do, don't let Kellie see this thread. She will die of laughter...literally.

**freshie247** · 10-20-2006, 11:27 AM

WOW,...Lots of puntificating in this thread!

**irul&ublo** · 10-20-2006, 11:43 AM

Hey Mntlion...are you sure you didn't get a head injury too?

BTW...You can tune a piano, but you can't tune a fish.

**DerJaeger** · 10-20-2006, 11:46 AM

Originally Posted by freshie247

WOW,...Lots of puntificating in this thread!

Well, yes, but it's not hard to see why: a good pun is its own reword.

**Kellie** · 10-20-2006, 11:50 AM

Originally Posted by Arty50

Whatever you do, don't let Kellie see this thread. She will die of laughter...literally.

This thread definitely did make me laugh out loud . . . ammunition for future stupid joke-telling extravaganzas!!!!

**davep** · 10-20-2006, 01:36 PM

#9 is pure gold

**Nohillsnearby** · 10-20-2006, 02:10 PM

Originally Posted by irul&ublo

Hey Mntlion...are you sure you didn't get a head injury too?

BTW...You can tune a piano, but you can't tune a fish.

But you can only play certain scales...

**Fatty** · 10-20-2006, 02:24 PM

keepin friday laughy

**sandytheskier** · 10-20-2006, 02:28 PM

ha!...
I don't have any jokes. I suck at life.

**Lexi-Bell** · 10-20-2006, 02:34 PM

What did the indian say when his dog fell off the cliff? Dog gone

**skimoore** · 10-20-2006, 02:42 PM

A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender says, "we don't serve your kind." The rope goes outside, ties himself up and musses up one end of himself. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "Weren't you just in here?" The rope replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

**Elrobbo** · 10-20-2006, 02:55 PM

Some wisdom from one of the kings:

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Steven_Wright

**1wsguy** · 10-20-2006, 03:09 PM

While on vacation, and looking to have one "last nite out on the town", the baby seal decides to go out and hit a few clubs.

**Nohillsnearby** · 10-20-2006, 03:52 PM

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

**lhs** · 10-20-2006, 05:38 PM

Once upon a time, in the days of primitive tribes and grass huts, there was one warlike tribe whose custom was that when they beat another tribe they would take the most prized posession of the enemy's chief.
One time they defeated a rich tribe whose chief had a prized solid gold throne. The victorious tribe took the throne, and put it in the loft in their chief's house. Unfortunately, the throne was much too heavy to be kept in a loft in a grass house, and it fell right through the ceiling, onto the chief, killing him instantly.
The moral?
People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones

**mntlion** · 11-07-2006, 05:10 PM

A lawyer and his friend from the Czech Republic went out camping in the Rockies. In the middle of the night the lawyer heard horrible screaming and roaring, only to find out that a grizzly bear had totally eaten his friend.

When morning came, he went to the nearest town, reported what had happened and a hunting party immediately set off to find the bear. They searched and searched, and finally came upon a group of bears. "Do you see the one that ate your friend?" the sheriff asked the lawyer.

He looked around and finally pointed to a large male, whereupon the hunters shot the male dead. Upon opening it up, they found nary a trace of the Czech. So, they looked around some more, and the man finally pointed to a very large female bear. They shot that one, opened it up, and lo and behold, inside were the remains of his Czech friend.

Moral of the story: Don't believe a lawyer when he tells you that the Czech is in the mail