Shitting in the dark

[bio-smear]

Driving along in my truck yesterday, in this primo fall weather, everything seemed merry and bright. Something was amiss though, as it usually is after lunch. My bowels are famous for unpredictable instability, and that turkey burger coated in Chaka's Mmmmm sauce and Campbell's Cream of Mushroom that I had for lunch finally catalysed to make an uncontainable human thermite-like substance.

Quickly scan the database for shitting safehouses. This list includes my house, most Starbucks', newer office buildings, freshly pumped porta-potties, and REI. Yes, it has been my experience that REI usually has a quality restroom with good cleanliness, and a nice big ADA-compliant stall that is larger than my bathroom at home. In Reno it has a nice orange smell that puts me at ease.

Walk in and I'm accosted by no less than 3 REI employees in serial who eagerly want to answer my questions about the items that I'm pretending to browse on my way back to the restroom.

So, I make to the stall and unleash my fury, bathroom slay3d, etc, yada, yada, yada. Yesterday was not the point of this story. It only uncovered a repressed memory from 10 years ago. It gave me shivers.

Location: Eugene, OR REI
Year: 1996

I had made my periodic sojourn to Eugene from Corvallis to visit my girlfriend who was going to college at U of O, and these visit always included a stop at REI to check stuff out. On this day my stop included my natural urge to purge, so I took full advantage of the quality REI restroom.

There I am, sitting nobely on the throne, lost in thought, no carved graffiti to read on the nice REI stall, just me and my dreams of outdoor activities, when somebody comes in to use the facilities. My ears detect the sound of urination, a quick hand washing, the door opens, then everything went black.

The fucker had turned out the lights. There were no natural light sources in this restroom, and it was pitch fucking black. Did he do it on purpose? I dunno, sounds like something I would do to a buddy as a joke. But, I wouldn't do it to a stranger unless they deserved it. My karma was pretty clean, this is was bullshit.

I'm not some sort of Navy seal or the Brad Pitt character from Spygame, so I don't usually make a habit of visually memorizing the layout of a bathroom I am about to slay. I had to finish shitting(why pinch it off?), find the toilet paper, wipe my ass using only my tactile senses (no visual confirmation of completion), all the while obeying my obsessive neurosis about touching bathroom "juice." You know, it's the invisble layer of gelatinized urine that one must assume is on every surface, even in the nice REI bathroom.

I bumped and stumbled my way out to the sink, where I washed my hands in the dark. Sure, hindsight is 20/20 and I should have just found the lightswitch and turned it on, but I was determined to prevail in the dark and that didn't really occur to me.

I made it out, I can shit in the dark in a strange place. I never got visual on the guy who turned the lights out on me, lucky for him Not sure what I would have done other than confront him and tell him what it's like to shit in the pitch dark.

So, while in the Reno REI bathroom yesterday, I had just finished washing my hands when I spied the lightswitch, and this whole flashback occurred. I tested it. Lights go out, it's pitch fucking black in there.

Keep this one in your bag of tricks. Not recommended for use on bosses, father-in-laws, or officers of the law. The real piece de resistance would be to pull it on multiple victims. It would be shitting in the dark chaos.

[roosta]

Nice story. For a minute I thought you were gonna tell the one about the KW/JG Eugene adventure from high school. Your worst ride home, right?

[~mikey b]

I do that to people all the time. Great way to fuck with them.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't know anyone was in there."

[Orange Julius]

The worst is when someone else comes into the bathroom while you're sitting there in the dark. Do you try to explain the situation or just keep rustling around over there and lift up your feet to remain anonymous

[snowsprite]

That was funny as hell, both stories! You do need to make better lunch choices though, okay?

Sprite

[seanyob]

I pull that one on coworkers all the time.....watch them head to the bathroom, wait for them to hit the stall, crack the door open and hit the switch. Casually walk back to my office and snicker. Most still haven't figured out who is doing it to them.

[bio-smear]

Nice story. For a minute I thought you were gonna tell the one about the KW/JG Eugene adventure from high school. Your worst ride home, right?

I was an innocent bystander for that one. My policy is only to tell embarrassing shit stories about myself. Let's just say that KW had shit on his bike, his helmet, and his kneepads, and the Amazon park creek will never be the same.

[Van_skier]

For some reason, the light-switch is outside the bathroom at my parents house. When we were growing up, my brother did that trick on several occasions, and in one case, I was taking a shower... A wet porcelain tub is not fun in the dark

[bagtagley]

The lights here work on motion detectors, strangely enough, so do the vending machines in the break room. Anyway, no switch = no fun.

[fez]

The lights here work on motion detectors, strangely enough, so do the vending machines in the break room. Anyway, no switch = no fun.

i worked in a place like that. after a particularly long night of cheap beer and cheaper mexican food i was on the stool longer than the timer on the motion sensor. and i guess i was pretty still.

[cj001f]

i worked in a place like that. after a particularly long night of cheap beer and cheaper mexican food i was on the stool longer than the timer on the motion sensor. and i guess i was pretty still.

You aren't the only one. They did the same thing to our cube farm - sit at desk >20 minutes it went off (nice excuse to get up and walk around)

[DrRy]

My ears detect the sound of urination, a quick hand washing, the door opens, then everything went black.

I felt like the story was going to take a real demented turn after this.

Even though it didn't, this line is still a gem.

[StormRider]

Back in college a buddy and I were unleashing some double-barrel action on a two stall john. Another friend comes in uses the urinal, knows we are in there, and intentional kills the lights on us on his way out. After yelling a few insults, my buddy asks “how do you know when you’re done?” The only repose I had was “Wipe ‘til you’re chafed.”
I still don’t know what else to do in that situation.

[roosta]

My policy is only to tell embarrassing shit stories about myself.

So does it logically follow that I could tell shit stories about yourself? The best ever was the post-grape incident on Slate Creek. I realize now that this all took place upstream of the swimming hole. Slate Creek was never the same.

[golden powder]

I have a dark bathroom story.

It was a couple of years ago, and I was living in the dorms. My suitemates and I were a bunch of jokers and were pretty close. We were also pretty good friends with the girls across the hall. Our bathrooms had those doorknobs with a hole in the middle to unlock the door in case of emergency. Well, it became common practice to open the door on someone pooping and then just walk away, or, a favorite, open it while they're in the shower and turn the lights out. Pitch black. Well, it became so common, a deterrent had to be devised. So people started running out of the shower nude and chasing whoever flipped the switch. (Seeing you suitemate running after you flopping around in the nude is a pretty good deterrent).

At this point me and one of my more mischevious friend's had a great idea. We went over and convinced the girls that we had something important to show them in our suite. We pop the door, turn off the bathroom light, and out comes my suitemate with the "you're gonna get it" look on his face. The girls see him and one starts laughing and the other screams and turns away. He goes running into his room with a look of complete shock on his face.

At the time he wasn't so pleased, but now he thinks it's hilarious.

Oh, and I recently forgot about a planned power outage our building was having. Yeah, bad time to be in the shower.