Pretty good Boulder rant....

[rideit]

The Gore-Tex Vortex
Think life in America's favorite outdoor mecca would be dreamy? Careful what you wish for.
By Marc Peruzzi

So you want to move to Boulder, Colorado, the perennial best town in America for (circle one or all depending upon your level of outsideness) roadies, rock jocks, organic consumers, backcountry skiers, mountain bikers, trail runners, ultrarunners, whitewater boaters, alpinists, credit-card environmentalists, New Agers, sellers of waterproof-breathable canine accessories, and those who support prairie dog emancipation at the expense of baseball fields. It's a great place to live, because everyone looks and thinks exactly like you.*

Except they're better than you. Get that straight and you'll fit in. But you'll matriculate quicker if you come with some attitude. Pose if you must. It's the best town in America, for Christ's/Buddha's/Ganesh's/Chris Carmichael's sake. Step up.

But what's it like to live here? Well, Boulder exudes a unique blend of over-the-top liberalism and extreme fitness. How to describe it . . . If Lance Armstrong and Amy Goodman had a love child, the prodigy would drive his Audi A4 to Boulder, buy a Maverick to decorate the roof rack, and then not ride the $5,000 bike because he didn't want to encroach upon mountain lion habitat. Are you feeling the zeitgeist? Some more Boulder color might help:

A Buddhist monk moved into our condo complex. Shaved head, full regalia, real deal. He drives a 30-cylinder pickup truck named after a subarctic ecosystem where trees don't grow and frost lingers.

Two strangers have said the word excelente to me in the past four months.

My barista (Oh, dear Lord, what's happening to me?) to a fellow barista:

"Cuba is, like, this paradise. Nothing has changed since, like, the fifties. They drive these old cars and play this great music." Me: "Cuba? They put AIDS patients in concentration camps and throw journalists in jail for printing the truth." Barista: "Uh, yeah, but the people are so happy down there. Who had the tall rice-milk latte?"

Need more telling details? The Dunkin' Donuts went out of business, but the oxygen bar next door to the gay-and-lesbian bookstore seems to be doing well. The panhandlers on the Pearl Street Mall sport $70 sandals and pull in upwards of 25 bucks an hour. Did anybody mention that the median sale price of a home here is $525,000? That's $302,000 more than the national figure. The best don't come cheap. If that's too pricey for you, maybe you should check out Burlington or Santa Fe. Oh, right: bad sushi.

OK, that's all lifestyle stuff that comes with living in a town that has a large contingent of soft-palmed check- of-the-month-clubbers. Could just as easily be Marin County. Buy a meditation table, slap a GO VEGAN! sticker on your roof box, and you'll blend. You're here for the fitness pursuits anyway.

Except that's where Boulder gets weird. In most American towns, outdoor-sports aficionados are part of an elite counterculture minority.

Mountain bikers and climbers have cachet. Not so in Boulder. Recreating outdoors is the norm here, and it's in your face. There's always some horse-toothed mountain-town equivalent of Laird Hamilton ready to kick your athletic pride through the dirt. Remember the 2005 Tour, when T-Mobile kept attacking Discovery, trying to break Lance? That's what a casual bike ride is like in Boulder. Strangers attack. Old guys with gray beards and steel bikes attack. Reach for a shot of Gu and even your friends attack. And women: Women always attack-they're the worst.

Even slow guys like me attack. The other day I was reeling in a pro cyclist on a brutal local climb. My heart rate was near its max, but I was feeling good. I was in the zone. Maybe four years of living in Boulder have paid some fitness dividends, I thought.

Then I figured it out: He's between intervals, and once his heart rate drops below 65 bpm, he's gone. At least he said "No offense" before he accelerated.

It doesn't matter what sport you do; you will suffer similar humiliation. Go nordic skiing in North Boulder Park and two Olympians shout "Track!" from a meter back. Climb the Flatirons only to learn that someone once ascended in Rollerblades. Get Maytagged in a hole while paddling Boulder Creek and a World Cup champion slalom kayaker will toss you a rope bag. Running? Not me, not in Boulder. Boulderites run like gazelles. Fancy yourself a mountaineer? The waiters at Sherpa's have summited Everest. But at least those guys are nice. If Reinhold Messner himself walked into south Boulder's mountaineering shop to buy a carabiner, the sales staff would give him attitude. It's enough to make you revolt against the blue sky (300 sunny days a year), pull down the blinds, and watch NASCAR.

I know what you're thinking. If you don't like it, why don't you get the hell out? I'll tell you why: It's pretty damn nice here, actually. I just bought a German automobile-gonna chip it. My four-year-old has attended two birthday parties in climbing gyms-little dude will be free-soloing soon.

Maybe it's the endorphin equivalent of a contact high, but I've never been in better shape. The sun is shining. The prairie dogs in the infield arechirping. One more round of whitening strips and my choppers will be gleaming. Everything's, like, most excelente.

[kb1dqh]

Nice. My attitude at sports I'm good at:

Better than most, worst than many.

Might be good to remember in Boulder.

[warthog]

That about sums Boulder up for me.

At first, it was great to be surrounded by like-minded outdoorsy types. Soon, I realized that most were snobs, just the opposite type of snobs I was used to. They were bike,climbing,skiing, name your outdoor activity, snobs. The psuedo hippy types, and the pseudo outdoorsy frat boys were my least favorite. Add those to the "you just don't get it man!" hippies on Pearl Street, and it was almost too much to take after a while.

I did enjoy my time there, I just had to learn to take the whole place with a grain of soy.

I guess that is why living in FL is so great. I talk about skiing, and people think I am crazy. "You mean like, on SNOW?". I am core to them, just cause I don't really like to ski on "the trails". We get more sunshine here, too. Which is always cool.

[steve]

where are places where you get that outdoor-lovin' vibe without the kooks and snobs?

[cj001f]

where are places where you get that outdoor-lovin' vibe without the kooks and snobs?

the grave. they are all over the globe, just with regional variations.

[Plakespear]

where are places where you get that outdoor-lovin' vibe without the kooks and snobs?

Norway. But the taxes are pretty high.

[Sphinx]

the grave.

But we all know that you'll piss and moan there, too.

Seattle kicks major ass as far as a nice city combined with good skiing nearby.

[Lurch]

Boulder has it's minuses but they are still better than most other places pluses.

[Dr. Gaper]

Sometimes people from Boulder leave the city limits and visit reality. Usually after their parents money dries up.

[cj001f]

But we all know that you'll piss and moan there, too.

I've come to accept anywhere that has lots of 'outdoorsy' people has lots of kooks, snobs and poseurs as well (you are free to define them however you want) and steadily becomes part of the outdoor/extreme/funhog monoculture. Like it or lump it; it's the ying and yang.

What can I say - if I've heard of it, it's probably on it's way to sucking or already sucks.... because people like me have heard of it. Nothing like going half way around the world to spend time with a bunch of other people who've come half way around the world to avoid other people like themselves.

[stupendous man]

last friday I rode my old mtn bike down to the boulder theater where the mountain sun had $2 pints and brought in karl denson, kyls from sting cheese, george porter jr. on the base and guitarist from soul live, just cuz. called it the pearl street all stars. still can grab a slice of 2 buck pizza and head home to my dog/yard/cat.

that's not too bad.

[Dr. Gaper]

What can I say - if I've heard of it, it's probably on it's way to sucking or already sucks.... because people like me have heard of it. Nothing like going half way around the world to spend time with a bunch of other people who've come half way around the world to avoid other people like themselves.

[Particle]

Every outdoor-centric place is like that to some extent. Boulder is just overwhelmingly so. Which is a big reason I don't ever see returning to the front range.

I liked it there (Denver), but just too many people spraying constantly about how extreme they are.

[LIP]

I love bacon, hate bluegrass, eat vegetarians (they taste great) greatly prefer PBR to micro, and my poo smells. Therefore, they don't let me into Boulder.

[rideit]

.

I liked it there (Denver), but just too many people spraying constantly about how extreme they are.

Nobody EVER does that here!!

[lemon boy]

Which is a big reason I don't ever see returning to the front range.

Front range > Columbus

[smmokan]

I think all this Boulder bashing is pretty funny. You know what? If you come across outdoors-snobs when you talk with people in Boulder- DON'T FUCKING TALK TO THEM ANYMORE. Its your choice, you're an adult, you can hang with whoever the fuck you want to. Its not like you're forced to ride your bike with people you dont' like.

Seriously, besides the cost of living in Boulder, there's not much bad about it. Granted, they could use some more mtn bike trails, but that's really about it. Great college scene, one of the best downtowns I've been to, great location, perfect weather... a lot of people would kill to live in a place like that. Its just funny because you've got some people who think they just have to tear apart the good places to live, just for the hell of it. If you don't like Boulder, then move back to Aurora and live in the suburbs.

[Dr. Gaper]

Boulder isn't the suburbs? Hmmmm . . . news to me.

[bdog]

Could just as easily have been written about Bend.

[rideit]

And who says front-rangers don't have a sense of humor!!!

[cj001f]

there's not much bad about it.

Except all the people who think that Boulder is the only place like it on the fucking planet.

[smmokan]

Boulder isn't the suburbs? Hmmmm . . . news to me.

I'm pretty sure downtown Boulder (and anywhere near Boulder) doesn't count as the suburbs. Anywhere inbetween Boulder and Denver- there's your suburbs.

[smmokan]

Except all the people who think that Boulder is the only place like it on the fucking planet.

Again... if you don't like these people, why are you talking with them? Its not like you walk down Pearl Street and people tell this to you to your face. I've been in Boulder or around Boulder for almost three years, and I guess I've just been fortunate enough to not run into any of these people you all speak about. Everyone I've met is pretty damn cool and fun to hang out with.

[homerjay]

Bottom line: Boulder has enough hot ass running around to more than make up for any other issues with its populace.

[bagtagley]

The best part about Boulder is the diversity. You've got the really white white kids and the really tan white kids and all the varying shades in between. It's like New York without all the scary minorities.

Yes, I live in Salt Lake, but this thread is about Boulder bashing. Stay on track!