New field sobriety tests - your input needed

[Monique]

Last night a friend and I were laughing about the fact I “took away the keys” to his bicycle last weekend and wouldn’t even let him pedal a mile home because he was too drunk. That got me thinking about field sobriety tests that should have been used on him. To hell with asking suspects to touch their noses, recite the alphabet backwards or walk straight lines. Why not design new tests based on real-life drunken behaviors? Based on what you’ve seen or done, what would the new field tests be?

Here are a few starter ideas from the b-day party:

1. Ask the suspect to paddle you on the ass. Does the suspect successfully strike your butt cheeks or does s/he miss and smack your hamstring instead (which by the way hurts a LOT more)?

2. Hand the suspect a hula hoop. Does s/he step fully inside the hoop or attempt to hula whilst straddling it?

3. Place an open bottle of Fireball under the suspect’s nose. Does the suspect snap fully upright and grab the bottle or does her/his head fall limply backwards?

4. Examine all male suspects’ toenails. Does the slut-red polish appear to have been applied within the last two hours? Does the suspect mention how sexy he thinks his toes look?

5. Set up a portable toilet by the side of the road and observe the suspect’s reaction. Does s/he sit on it or drop to the ground and embrace it like the legs of a long-lost friend?

[P_McPoser]

2. Hand the suspect a hula hoop. Does s/he step fully inside the hoop or attempt to hula whilst straddling it?

I pictured that and giggled.

[lemon boy]

Is suspect able to fill and position for group use an 8 station 223cm shotski?
Did suspect attempt to drink two positions on the ski?
Will suspect attempt to jump a bonfire?

[fez]

when my wife and i were simply co-workers living in red lodge, i had a really bad habit of driving drunk. she would arm wrestle me for my keys. if she could beat me, i was drunk.

[GoldMember]

Dig an earthworm up out of the yard, place said worm in bottom of tequilla shot glass: Does suspect suck up the shot without even questioning the origin of the worm?

[ill-advised strategy]

"would you hit it?"....

on various levels of ugliness = surefire test.

[GoldMember]

"would you hit it?"....

on various levels of ugliness = surefire test.

I don't think this is a sure-fire test. I know too many people who would "hit it" with the ugliest while stone-cold sober.

[ill-advised strategy]

I don't think this is a sure-fire test.

oh it's surefire

[shmerham]

-Can the suspect sucessfully sit in a papasan chair?

-When given a ping pong ball, does the suspect look puzzled or does a huge grin appear on the suspect's face?

-Does the suspect think karaoke would be a good idea, right now?

-Ask the suspect what their last meal on earth would be. Is it pizza or burgers?

[yogachik]

- can they successfully tie a cherry stem into a knot with their tongue? (this test really can only be performed when the subject is so drunk as to have the idea to try, or show off that she can, in the first place)

- will she flash her boobs when asked (or show off underwear)?

- how's the singing?

[girlski0912]

Does s/he tell his/her ex that it would be a really good idea to get back together?

Is the subject so incapable of walking that they are reduced to crawling in order to get anywhere?

Do they have that "crazy look in their eye"? (You know which one I am referring to)

[GoldMember]

Does suspect have profanity or cat whiskers all over face in Magic Marker?

[lemon boy]

How does the suspect feel about making a couple of drunk dials?

[Theodore]

I really think cops should have a night where they hangout at bars giving free(and consequence free) brethalyzers so that you know how drunk you actually are based on x amount of drinks.

[shmerham]

I really think cops should have a night where they hangout at bars giving free(and consequence free) brethalyzers so that you know how drunk you actually are based on x amount of drinks.

This doesn't fit the tone of the thread, but I totally agree. If it's going to be based on a scientific number, you should have as many chances to find out how easy or hard it is to reach that number.

[fez]

I really think cops should have a night where they hangout at bars giving free(and consequence free) brethalyzers so that you know how drunk you actually are based on x amount of drinks.

i was at a bar, garbonzos maybe? in Hill City, SD and they had a breathalyzer by the door. there was a big group of guys there for a friend's wedding. we had been on a week long bender and had lots of fun trying to see who could get the highest score. i would not call the breathalyzer a deterrent.

[jwelch]

i was at a bar, garbonzos maybe? in Hill City, SD and they had a breathalyzer by the door. there was a big group of guys there for a friend's wedding. we had been on a week long bender and had lots of fun trying to see who could get the highest score. i would not call the breathalyzer a deterrent.

I give you the Tucker Max Sushi Pants story.

[Ski Monkey]

i was at a bar, garbonzos maybe? in Hill City, SD and they had a breathalyzer by the door. there was a big group of guys there for a friend's wedding. we had been on a week long bender and had lots of fun trying to see who could get the highest score. i would not call the breathalyzer a deterrent.

We had a breathalyzer in college and the same thing happened to us. Playing breathalyzer quickly became the followup to quarters or boat races. Good times.

[Monique]

-Does the suspect think karaoke would be a good idea, right now?

Nice, very nice. Should be an easy conviction.