Some damn Chick just sent me this...

[Bodhi]

Men are like....

1. Men are like Laxatives...They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like Bananas...The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather...Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders...You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars...Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials...You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores...Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like Government Bonds...They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara...They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn...They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms...You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps...Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots...All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[snowsprite]

She obviously wants you, bad.

It's her way of saying "Pooperhausen, please!"

Sprite

[bagtagley]

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[PTracy P1]

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

1234567890

[EPSkis]

HER DIARY:

Tonight I thought he was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing.
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled & kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior.
I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV.
He seemed distant and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed.
About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted & his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
.
.
.
HIS DIARY:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.

[MeatPuppet]

You should reply with this:



Beer vs. Vagina

1.Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.
One point to BEER

2.Warm beer tastes awful.
One point to VAGINA

3.A really cold beer is satisfying.
One point to BEER

4.If after taking a swig of your favourite beer you find a hair
between your teeth, you may vomit.
One point to VAGINA

5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a
scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife
may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point
to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal
circumstances. I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.

6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in
one night and you don't want to drive anywhere. One point to VAGINA

7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may
suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.
One point to VAGINA

8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If
you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer. One point to VAGINA

9. You normally don't find old beer.
One point to BEER

10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much
vagina and you'll think you've seen God. One point to VAGINA

11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is
fun. One point to VAGINA

12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
One point to VAGINA

13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off. One
point to BEER

14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle
or a can. One point to BEER

15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it
settles down. One point to BEER

16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark,
pilsner,ale,lager,etc One point to BEER

17. You always know how much beer is going to cost One point to BEER

18. Beer doesn't have a mother
One point to BEER

19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you
drink it One point to BEER

FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10 VAGINA: 8

That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER

PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or
discriminated against, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them, an extra point for BEER

[splat]

I laughed at all of them - but the ATM is so true.

Forgot the part where she is too far away from the machine and has to get out of the car to punch the buttons.

[mntlion]

great thread

[BLOOD SWEAT STEEL]

Pretty rare for vagina to be able to open a beer. Fortunately, beer usually opens vagina.

Point for BEER.

[Mtn Man]

It's her way of saying "Pooperhausen, please!"

Sprite

How do you come up with this stuff?!?
Classic...

B)

[Alkasquawlik]

Dogs don't cry.

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs understand that flatulence is funny.

Dogs love red meat.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Anyone can get a good looking dog.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.

Dogs like beer.

Dogs don't hate their bodies.

No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.

No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

Dogs don't worry about germs.

Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.

Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk and the back of your sock drawer.

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

Dogs never want foot rubs.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

Dogs can't talk.

Dogs aren't catty.

Dogs seldom outlive you.

[SnowHot]

If we are going to discuss Gender differences with a smile, read this:
The development of the weaker sex....hmmmm...

We started to " bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training
bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with
those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies,
had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed
cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the
first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus
through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his
little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was
about.

Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers
and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over
Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we
learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking
our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have
Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we
pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the
dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of
the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain
all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop
screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push
(more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the
%*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling,
mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole!

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all
that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking,
jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.


Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in
our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of
all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now
seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog
in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off
anything that moves.



Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off
so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the
woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a
tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me

[MeatPuppet]

^^^^^

PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or
discriminated against, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them, an extra point for BEER

.........

[freshie247]

Pretty rare for vagina to be able to open a beer. Fortunately, beer usually opens vagina.

Point for BEER.

Obviously you've never been to Thailand.Neither have I, but I've heard stories.

[SnowHot]

^^^^^^^^^

That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER

Gender differences with a smile

[Jack]

If we are going to discuss Gender differences with a smile, read this:
The development of the weaker sex....hmmmm...

We started to " bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training
bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with
those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies,
had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed
cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the
first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus
through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his
little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was
about.

Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers
and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over
Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we
learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking
our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have
Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we
pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the
dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of
the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain
all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop
screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push
(more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the
%*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling,
mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole!

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all
that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking,
jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.


Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in
our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of
all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now
seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog
in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off
anything that moves.



Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off
so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the
woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a
tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me

WOMAN..... I so didn't want to know any of this shit. Oh damn I need a beer
Hey once those got tough enough for my hands I heard no complaints just a bit of moaning
.Oh baby that feels so goooooood

[Schmear]

My mom of all people just sent me this.

Why women have two hands...

[Schmear]

Why men have two hands...

[ak_powder_monkey]

holy shit those last 2 posts are awesome!