work bathrooms = SLAY3D

**Bozoskier** · 03-17-2007, 07:51 PM

My friend was once subjected to a very violent shart/slay3d truck. The two guys were in the Wendy's drive through when the driver (his boss) starts screaming, "My guts are boiling! My guts are boiling!" The once calm truck was transformed into a death bubble as all the windows went up and locked. The driver gave a push and shat his pants like he had dysentery. He hauled ass out of the Wendy's lot and drove all of the way home with the windows up. They piled out of the truck, and the driver went to get cleaned up. He emerged from the bathroom with a large bag of shitty drawers, and handed it to my friend. My friend is still pissed, and nearly heaves everytime we bring the incident up.

-Jake

**klaxed** · 03-17-2007, 11:53 PM

I'm suprised no one has mentioned this yet. Do you know who can slay a bathroom like none other? Those two chicks from Harold and Kumar go to Whitecastle who play BattleShits.

**belgian** · 03-19-2007, 02:55 AM

Some guy just dropped a deuce in the bathroom on my floor roughly the size of my forearm, girth and length. Well... I normally would have been a bit disgusted but this thing is pretty epic. Soooo I taped the stall door open and put up a sign inviting all who cared to see to "check this shit out." I think it was probably the best course of action considering the size. We'll see how long this monster sits before being flushed.

Update:

12 hours later its still there, even the janitor let it be.

**lionelhutz** · 03-19-2007, 07:16 AM

Spring Greens are great ruffage.
Law School bathroom 0, bored law student 1.

Sorry to those on the third floor. I know that ain't right but deal with it.

**TeleHoar** · 04-11-2007, 11:25 AM

A glossary for the maggots to use when discussing the slaying of work bathrooms.

ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

CRACK WHORE
Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

**mc_roon** · 04-12-2007, 12:51 PM

last night i had an enchilada for dinner and proceeded to get belligerent. After stumbling around until 3am i found and devoured one pound of chocolate covered pretzels.

This morning in class i felt something brewing. I barely made it to the bathroom where i spent the next 30 minutes making my toilet my bitch. I dont think i will ever be able to go into that bathroom again.

**Brock Landers** · 04-12-2007, 01:09 PM

Interesting experience just a few minutes ago.

Head to the stall for my daily dose, where I am in there taking my sweet time. Suddenly someone comes into the second stall (there are only 2) and pops one out with me. Certainly an UNCLE TED (see Telehoar's post) situation. I could not avoid multiple ESCAPEES. Place stunk. Finally, the other guy leaves first, I come out and wash hands and am about to leave when someone else comes into a newly double-bombed bathroom and looks me right in the eye. WALK OF SHAME situation, except multiply the stench x2. Good times!

**The Dad** · 05-03-2007, 05:49 PM

Time to revive this one.

Two burritos for dinner last night. After brewing for 18 hours, they let their presence be known.

You know you've laid a serious one when it makes your own eyes water.

I think I just created a hostile work environment.

**Rontele** · 05-03-2007, 06:59 PM

Originally Posted by alpinedad

Time to revive this one.

Two burritos for dinner last night. After brewing for 18 hours, they let their presence be known.

You know you've laid a serious one when it makes your own eyes water.

I think I just created a hostile work environment.

A Title VII dump. I love it. There has been some major last slayag3 of the library bathrooms. I call it a legacy building exercise.

**JGB** · 05-04-2007, 05:41 AM

I work at a big IT company and the ethnic diversity is pretty big. I don't know what it is about their diets, but lets just say the indian/middle easterners i work with should have their own private restrooms.

**The Dad** · 05-04-2007, 07:44 AM

Originally Posted by Rontele

I call it a legacy building exercise.

Your legacy is already secure, methinks.

**Steven S. Dallas** · 05-22-2007, 11:19 AM

Sl@73d. Unbeknownst to me, my chosen steed had a broken flush mechanism. The janitorial staff will not be excited about this one (two?)

**The Dad** · 05-22-2007, 11:29 AM

Originally Posted by Steven S. Dallas

Unbeknownst to me, my chosen steed had a broken flush mechanism.

Been there. I've occasionally been sufficiently guilt-ridden to attempt to fix the flush mechanism myself, at least when the problem is in a tank. Tankless, well, "shit outta luck" has never been a more appropriate phrase.

**Steven S. Dallas** · 05-22-2007, 11:34 AM

Tankless; has a motion-sensitive flush mechanism so I wouldn't even know where to begin (other than by putting on laser-proof protective goggles). I hit the manual flush switch a couple of times, then tried covering the motion sensor "eye" with my hand and pulling it away quickly. This method was abandoned after I realized I was playing peek-a-boo with a shit-filled robo-toilet.

**TeleHoar** · 05-22-2007, 11:40 AM

Originally Posted by alpinedad

Been there. I've occasionally been sufficiently guilt-ridden to attempt to fix the flush mechanism myself, at least when the problem is in a tank.

Yes!
I have actually repaired a Sloan urinal valve.... While I was pissing in it.

**irul&ublo** · 05-29-2007, 09:54 AM

Completely slayed this a.m.

**glademaster** · 05-29-2007, 09:36 PM

I don't have a job yet for the summer, but after last night's partying, I seriously sl3yed a friends bathroom this morning. A mix of tequila, Corona and Coors Light amounting to a total of somewhere between 20 and 25 drinks, plus the hot dogs and cheddarwurst I ate last night, and you have the makings of an epic slaying. Rocked the solid plug followed by what must have been about 4 gallons of legit mud. The fluid level in the bowl was rising at a somewhat alarming rate and got just a touch too close for comfort by the time I was done. Best feeling in the world though, but I do feel sorry for the poor son of a bitch who had to wander through that part of the house after I was done.

**72Twenty** · 05-29-2007, 09:39 PM

I'm in this habit of playing video games on my cell phone every time I take a shit at work. I usually play Tetris.

**The Jackamo** · 05-30-2007, 12:55 AM

my buddy tim has a habit of texting me while he's on the can. some notable ones:

"i'd like to welcome you to my constipation nation."
"holy crap this crap is holy."
"commencing operation dumpo drop."
"i left a floater."
"i think this public toilet seat has at least 10 cases of herpes on it."

there's more, but i think my blackberry deletes my message history after 3 weeks.

**Particle** · 05-30-2007, 05:21 PM

Busy-ass morning at the Bird. My guts started heaving. The main bathroom downstairs from the tram was PACKED. Patrollers, tourons, locals, just packed. My guts were heaving. It was all I could do not to cry out in pain. And the most noxious shit I have ever smelled issued forth. I heard some dude with a french accent mutter something in surprise as he ran for the door. And not 20 seconds later, that bathroom was dead empty.

One of the proudest moments of my life.

**tex1230** · 06-05-2007, 07:20 AM

The caterers brought bad food yesterday. The toilets here are screaming "NO MAS!!!"

Squatch · 08-10-2007, 02:48 PM

Dear Sir,

It is 1:15 on a Friday afternoon. Productivity is not high. I just blew off an unimportant meeting, and I have another meeting at 2:00 which I will simply sit and nod along to. I'm trying to stretch out my post-lunch unproductivity, and my daily afternoon visit to the can is perfect for that.

You must be of a different mindset than I. Bathroom time is me time. I'm in no hurry. It sit down, take my time, and enjoy 10 minutes of prime relaxation. You, sir, seem to be of a different bent. I knew it the moment you rushed in the door, banging your way around and generally conducting yourself in a manner absent of any tact or grace.

Perhaps this lack of tact and grace explains why you had to choose, of the 9 unoccupied stalls, the one right next to me. I understand that, pursuant to the laws of physics, there must be stalls adjacent to each other. And I understand, in times of duress, that sometimes you must use that one.

This was not one of those times.

Adding insult to injury, you proceeded to moan and grunt loudly, breathing so heavily I was worried you may have been in cardiac arrest. Basically, you ruined my overall deuce-dropping experience, and, by extension, my entire afternoon. It is only after venting on a largely irrelevant internet message board that I find some closure.

**Art Shirk** · 08-10-2007, 03:15 PM

Tutta Bella Pizza + 7 Italian Pilsners (who knew) + 7 hours sleep + breakfast burrito + two cups coffee = Round two

**G. Gordon Liddy** · 08-10-2007, 04:35 PM

I have to tell somebody this... This really creeps me out. I thought for a while it was just pure chance, but I am now fully aware that my co-worker is a habitual poo-sniffer.

I work in a small office of 6 people. My job isn't the most thrilling in the world, although it pays the bills and I tend to enjoy it more often that I hate it. My morning schedule is fairly simple. Walk in the door, fire up the computer, make a pot of coffee, eat a bagel, drink said coffee, and finally proceed to the restroom for my most peaceful part of my morning. I fit into the category of the ‘relaxed crapper’. I often grab the Journal, or maybe just my cell phone for a few games of bubble breaker. Anyhow, I tend to take my time and enjoy my peace and quiet. But, being such a small office, everybody knows when, and how long you are in there, so it can be a bit odd if you spend too much time in there. Well, lately I’ve noticed that as soon as I leave the restroom, I hardly have time to get back to my office before a gal in office is quickly out of her seat and headed into the tiny room I just destroyed. At first I thought it just a chance, but now after 2 weeks of careful consideration, I think she may be addicted to the smell. Needless to say I’m a little freaked out by this pattern of events.

So, in closing, I would like to say this to poo-sniffer: “I can hardly stay in there for 5 minutes with that smell, WTF are you doing in there!!!!!!!”

That's it.

**leroy jenkins** · 08-11-2007, 08:05 AM

Originally Posted by G. Gordon Liddy

I have to tell somebody this... This really creeps me out. I thought for a while it was just pure chance, but I am now fully aware that my co-worker is a habitual poo-sniffer.

I work in a small office of 6 people. My job isn't the most thrilling in the world, although it pays the bills and I tend to enjoy it more often that I hate it. My morning schedule is fairly simple. Walk in the door, fire up the computer, make a pot of coffee, eat a bagel, drink said coffee, and finally proceed to the restroom for my most peaceful part of my morning. I fit into the category of the ‘relaxed crapper’. I often grab the Journal, or maybe just my cell phone for a few games of bubble breaker. Anyhow, I tend to take my time and enjoy my peace and quiet. But, being such a small office, everybody knows when, and how long you are in there, so it can be a bit odd if you spend too much time in there. Well, lately I’ve noticed that as soon as I leave the restroom, I hardly have time to get back to my office before a gal in office is quickly out of her seat and headed into the tiny room I just destroyed. At first I thought it just a chance, but now after 2 weeks of careful consideration, I think she may be addicted to the smell. Needless to say I’m a little freaked out by this pattern of events.

So, in closing, I would like to say this to poo-sniffer: “I can hardly stay in there for 5 minutes with that smell, WTF are you doing in there!!!!!!!”

That's it.

One word: Poopenhausen.

Three words: Ass to mouth.