Pathetic Geek Stories: Religious Edition

[lemon boy]

AG's post in that horrid religion thread got me thinking so:

Lets have your pathetic geek stories (PGS) from your religious upbrining be it an innocent though loserific childhood misunderstanding or some diabolical doctrinal twist foisted off on you by elders...give it up.

Note: I do NOT want to hear how your priest got you to play with his winkie

Mine:

I used to be literally afraid that listening to "heavy metal" (and this was as a practical matter translated to include any "rock" music) would eventually work its subliminal magic to the point where I'd become a devil worshiper. I even prayed that it wouldn't happen to me.

[mtnbikerskierchick]

Wow, LB, you really ARE bored at work today, aren't you???

[lemon boy]

yes, I am also a world class procrastinator. GIVE IT UP, I know you have one.

[iceman]

I was seven years old and waiting to get picked up from my First Holy Communion class and me and a couple of the other kids wrote swears and stuff like "Jesus is a fag" all over the wall on the back of the church where we were waiting. Never got caught, either.

Later on, my mother always liked to go to 12:00 mass so we would ask to go earlier and then spend the colllection money on candy and read comic books at the drugstore near the church. We had to bring one of the weekly bulletins home to prove that we went so we would roshambo to see who had to go into the church and get the bulletin, which was dangerous because the priest knew us and our mom.

I really never was cut out for religion.

[Telenater]

My father is a priest.

[GoldMember]

I used to be literally afraid that listening to "heavy metal" (and this was as a practical matter translated to include any "rock" music) would eventually work its subliminal magic to the point where I'd become a devil worshiper. I even prayed that it wouldn't happen to me.

Well, maybe not a devil worshipper but you like Hamm's beer. 'Nuff said.

[mtnbikerskierchick]

yes, I am also a world class procrastinator. GIVE IT UP, I know you have one.

Since my uncle is a pastor, I turned out to be the devil-child of the family No religious stories for me!

[lemon boy]

Note to iceman-

telling your rebel stories is not equal to pathetic geek stories SHEESH!

Come on telenater, give us one good juicy detailed one.

[HugeAirDude]

When I was in high school I didn't want to have premarital sex with my girlfreind so she broke up with me and had sex with another guy.

[iceman]

Note to iceman-

telling your rebel stories is not equal to pathetic geek stories SHEESH!

Well, I kinda felt bad about it, if that helps.

[Cornholio]

My doctrine didn't inflict this on me, but my dad almost inflicted a whole ton of pain on me for doing it:

My buddy (the pastor's son) and I snuck out of service one gorgeous Sunday, and were wandering around the grounds of our church looking for trouble to get in to. We were about 12.

Being avid and aspiring climbers, we were drawn to a feature on our church that looked intriguing to climb. It's hard to describe, but on all the corners of the building, there ends up being two little chimmneys-- one on each wall. The side of the church is a stone facade.

On the inner face of these chimmneys there's stained glass. On the other side of the glass, there's about 200 presbyterians.

As you have gathered by now, we decided to race up and down these little chimmneys. With the sun sillhouetting us beautifully, we spent the service trying new ways to jam our way up in full view of the congregation. My dad had to pretend he was mad, but secretly I think he was ok with it. I had to persuade my mom that Jesus would prefer if she'd forgive.

[Steven S. Dallas]

I was so afraid of getting sodomized by my parish priest that I learned how to suck my own dick.

[mtnbikerskierchick]

That's a funny story Cornholio! Thanks for the laugh

[altagirl]

AG's post in that horrid religion thread got me thinking so:

Lets have your pathetic geek stories (PGS) from your religious upbrining be it an innocent though loserific childhood misunderstanding or some diabolical doctrinal twist foisted off on you by elders...give it up.

Note: I do NOT want to hear how your priest got you to play with his winkie

Mine:

I used to be literally afraid that listening to "heavy metal" (and this was as a practical matter translated to include any "rock" music) would eventually work its subliminal magic to the point where I'd become a devil worshiper. I even prayed that it wouldn't happen to me.

My mother came home from bible study one day declaring that Guns N Roses was satanic music. And asked if I had any, because if I did, it not only had to be gotten rid of, but burned to get rid of the evil spirits in the cassette.

I still have my GNR tapes, which I immediately relabeled as something else. Played it in the living room too, since she had no idea what GNR sounded like.

I'm not sure I even liked the music until it was declared "evil". After which it was instantly my favorite tape.

[Cornholio]

At another time, same buddy and I are getting ready for a ride (we used to race junior stuff together). He and his family (remember, the pastor is his dad) had just gotten back from a biking vacation, and his bike pump was packed in his parents' (remeber, the pastor is his dad) suitcase.

So he says to me, "run up to my parents' room and get the pump."

So I burst in, headlong, to find his parents buck-ass naked, doing things Jesus never mentioned in the bible.

If there's one thing worse than walking in on your parents having sex, it's walking in on your buddy's parents having sex.

If there's one thing worse than walking in on your buddy's parents having sex, it's walking in on your church pastor having sex.

<-- dood had nothin' on me for a good 2 years.

[Monique]

The church janitor, an old guy called Randy, was the guest speaker at our youth group when I was in elementary school. He explained (with diagrams) that the peace symbol was secretly an upside down sign of the antichrist, something about it's being a cross but with the arms distorted.

Yep, good ol' American evangelical fundamentalism at its finest.

BE VERY AFRAID:

[Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo]

I went to catholic school through 8th grade and by the time I was done I had about as many religion classes as any catholic needs(i.e. I had received all the sacraments through confirmation and had more religious education than those wimps in once a week CCD classes ever got) So off to public school I went and no more religion classes. But I did remain an altar boy(very very geeky but a good way to check out the girls in mass, and there were some lookers, and it always made mass go by faster since you had something to do)

So one day after mass the priest at the time(real old school hard ass but funny and the source of most of the dirty jokes I know) starts grilling me on why I am not still taking religious ed classes. After not being satisfied with my fumbling adolescent answers he follows me out to my car and starts asking my dad(a life long catholic) why he doesn't still have me in religion classes. So after some pleasant excuses the priest won't drop it and my dad finally looks at him and says "Father, whose kid is Pat, mine or yours?" and told me to get in the car and we left. The look on the priests face was priceless and he never asked me about religion classes again. I don't know if that is geeky but the altar boy part sure is.

[1080Rider]

In high school we used to skip mass to drink beer at my friends house. Not too geeky but prolly enough to send me to hell for sure.

[mr_gyptian]

when I was about 3.5 years old and getting baptised at the Presbyterian church. I was standing in front of the whole congregation alongside my sister. the minister dropped the water and said whatever it is they say first to my sister then me. As the minister/pastor( can't remember what they're called) leaned over to say the blessing and tap the water on my head I blurted out "That's not very nice, you're a mean man!" right into his microphone.

My mother and grandmother turned about 20 shades of red. The minister was speechless.

from that point on the J.C. and I haven't exactly been on the same page.

When confirmation came around in 9th grade, this time with the methodists. My mother proposed a deal. " If you go to confirmation meetings for the next year once weekly and get confirmed, it will be your choice as to whether you ever go to church again." to which I replied "Mom, if I go 52 times over the next year plus easter and christmas, that IS more than I will attend for the rest of my life." "So thanks for the offer, but I'm gonna pass."

weddings and funerals excluded I'd say I'm probably at around 8 church attendances to this day.

[iceman]

weddings and funerals excluded I'd say I'm probably at around 8 church attendances to this day.

Weddings and funerals and baptisms excluded (I go to those to support the people involved, not the religion) I'm at zero since I was sixteen and I aim to keep it that way.