college essays

[Samwich]

Okay, before I get flamed to hell, I just want to clarify some things.

1) I'm not asking for edits

2) I am asking for impressions from people that are almost as unbiased towards me as a college admissions officer.

3) Thanks a lot.

So, without further ado, here is my application essay. It was a lot better, but I had to crop it from 917 words to 500. I'd like you guys to be brutally honest: does it suck? Can you hear my voice in my writing? Can you feel my emotions through it? Shit like that. If you want to make suggestions, that is awesome as well. I wouldn't normally post shit like this, but I've edited it sooo many times in the last two or three days that I actually have it memorized, so reading it again won't help me. Thanks.

All was silent but the clock, steadily counting seconds. I stared at that clock for a solid minute before my mother entered the room. The leather creaked as she sat down. Wearing a pained expression, she looked at my brother and me. My father seemed to be committing the pattern of the rug to memory; he would not meet my eye. It was immediately clear why we were there: it was something to do with my mother’s cancer.
For years, I had lived with the fact that my mother had a terminal illness. When I was in the second grade, my parents had sat my brother and I down in that same living room and told us that my mother had cancer, and explained what that meant. I couldn’t accept it as a reality, however, until I saw my mom in the midst of chemotherapy. My mother, the strongest woman I know, struck down by a malevolent force that I could not see, hear, or strike out at. My mother, whom I love dearly, lying in a hospital bed with tubes going in and out of her. My mother, who had wisps of hair still clinging to her pale scalp, the remnants of thick golden locks. It was then I realized she was fighting for her life. Unable to articulate my fear, I let it fester inside me until I grew accustomed to it. My mother was sick: it was a fact of my life, and hers. I had been so conditioned to my mother’s illness that I had accepted it, and forgotten that her life was threatened. I had convinced myself that all was well. Perhaps that is why my parents’ news was so terrifying.
As I looked back and forth from my mother’s profoundly sad expression to my father’s downcast eyes, I knew that all was not well. The silence was punctuated only by the crackling of the fire. My father was racking his brain for words that would not come. He started tentatively, “Cancer has become very real for us, as has death…” His voice trailed off. He began again. “The doctors have informed us that mom is going to die.” His voice broke halfway through the sentence, and tears streamed down his face. My brother and I were hugging my mom with all our strength. I was saying between sobs, “Don’t die, don’t die, please don’t die!” I was hysterical. My mother blew her nose. “I’ve been given three to six months.”
That day forever changed my outlook on life. I am now acutely aware that death inevitably awaits me. Unlike most adolescents, I do not have the luxury of imagining myself immortal. I see death as a reality rather than an abstract concept, so I recognize that life is a privilege. As a result, I try to enjoy life as much as I can, while working towards my aspirations. Life is too short to waste.

Again, thanks for your time maggots. To anyone who read this and replied with helpful remarks, consider yourself a golden god. Also consider that I owe you a beer.

[MT]

That's some serious shit. Good stuff my man.

[hopped]

Wow Sammy, that good writing. Hits home with me since my dad was diagnosed about 2 years ago.

A helluva lot better than mine. Where are you applying?

[bad_roo]

I'm not sure what the selection criteria for the essay are, but taken on its own merits that's a very powerful piece of writing. Given the intensely personal nature of the text it seems insensitive to suggest changes but from a purely editorial point of view there's one sentence in here that marks the crux of the piece.

"His voice broke halfway through the sentence, and tears streamed down his face"

This represents the point when you realised that all was not going to be OK and I think you could create a harder hitting effect by painting this moment a little more graphically, possibly teasing it into a short paragraph.

Hope you take the advice in the spirit it was meant.

[gincognito]

I wasn't really sure what to say so I didn't say anything.

And now roo has said what it was that I didn't know I wanted to say.

Sick and ashamed and happy (and, yeah, what roo said),
d.

[mr_gyptian]

WoW. I thought you were already at university.

you really layed yourself on the line. I, myself, would never tell some hump admissions officer something so personal. Unless of course I was trying to hump her. I wrote a legalization of drugs essay to Colorado College and got a scholarship.

[Cornholio]

Nice work!

If you're still looking for comments, my humble, unedumakaded one would be this:

As an admissions officer, I'm looking for what sets you apart from the gadzillion other kids. You articulate this very nicely in the last paragraph (which, is a great, short, powerful read). It's so effective, in fact, that I might have emphasized it more.

Good luck, dood, although I doubt you need it.

[Karl Stall]

Wow, Sammy. That almost makes up for the fact that you rarely, if ever, post pics.

Seriously, I was definitely moved by that story. I read for content, though, and not style, but that seems good as well. Great work. Thank you for sharing.

[Zittel]

Sammy,

Please don't apply to Middlebury, Bates or Tufts.

I will be using this essay in my application.

[Ireallyliketoski2]

Divinely inspired words should never be edited. Ready to print.

[CantDog]

Zittel, dont apply to Bates. That place blows really really hard. Blows beyond hard actually. Quite possibly the ugliest girls in all of liberal arts college land. Plus, the closest mountain is Sunday River, which sucks. And living in Lewiston you have a good chance of being raped or killed.

If you are looking at the CBB schools, check out Colby. I'm there, and the place kicks serious ass. I applied to bates and bowdoin and chose Colby because the campus is gorgeous, the kids arent deuche bags, and its 62 miles and an hour and seven minutes from Sugarloaf. Our outing club is sweet too, and nearly everyone on campus skis.

Middlebury is nice, its like Colby...in Vermont. There art gallery and concert hall is amazing too, and the town is real nice.

But please, dont go to Bates. You will truly regret it if you do.

[bad_roo]

Originally posted by Ireallyliketoski
Divinely inspired words should never be edited. Ready to print.

Sorry IRLTS - that is flat out wrong. Yes these words are intensely personal and come straight from the heart but this copy is designed to serve a specific purpose. It has been edited heavily already. A stream of consciousness may well be more divinely inspired but it sure as hell isn't going to get you into college.

[Foggy_Goggles]

Wow, Sammy that's really heartfelt. While it is a great piece of writing (coming from a shitty writer and speller), I think you should, as Mr. Hole said, expand on how this experience will ensure that your success in college. Make a concerted effort to demonstrate the positive character traits your mother's condition has instilled in you.

[this may be because I'm a shitty reader too] You may want to work on the timing of the events. Sometimes it's hard to tell if some of the events happened in second grade, now, or inbetween. If you work off an outline and has a solid objective, it will make eliminating some words and getting below 500 easier.

[house]

unless youre tryin to get into mit or somethin dont worry about it. with your good numbers they probly wont even read it. i wrote my essay in an hour the night before the application deadline and gonzaga gave me a good chunk of money too. good essay, dont worry about it.

off topic- hows your mom now, i kinda know what that shits like, my mom just beat breast cancer last year. good luck with everything

[Theodore]

First off, sorry to hear that. I went through the same thing at the same time. My dad was given 6 months to 2 years and he only made it a month and a half, so spend as much time with her as possible. As for the writing, indent the paragraphs and the start of the 3rd line in the 1st paragraph you say "my brother and me" I think its supposed to be my brother and I. Anywho, nice piece and good luck. I know I don't know you, but if you need someone to talk to lemme know. Its a shitty situation and talking can help.

Ted

[Schmear]

Originally posted by bad_roo
Sorry IRLTS - that is flat out wrong. Yes these words are intensely personal and come straight from the heart but this copy is designed to serve a specific purpose. It has been edited heavily already. A stream of consciousness may well be more divinely inspired but it sure as hell isn't going to get you into college.

Roo nailed it. As personal as this essay is, it's still about business. It sounds heartless, but papers like this are often cast aside as sob stories. But I highly doubt that will be the case with this one because it is well articulated.

The only comment I have, Sammy, (and this may sound heartless as well) is that the essay is a bit of a "downer." That's not to say it isn't effective. You may want to consider moving the last paragraph to the top, or at least emphasizing the positives (i.e. your positive life outlook) at the beginning, before getting into the drama. That may give the essay an overall more affirmative tone.

[Clack]

Tell them you want to save something (trees, whales, civil rights) and that you went to some 3rd world country to fight for your cause. That'll get you into pretty much any liberal arts program in the country.

[The AD]

Originally posted by Schmear
The only comment I have, Sammy, (and this may sound heartless as well) is that the essay is a bit of a "downer." That's not to say it isn't effective. You may want to consider moving the last paragraph to the top, or at least emphasizing the positives

Totally agree. Is your point in the essay "woe is me" or is it "I've been through tragedy in my personal life and it has made me a stonger, more motivated individual?" If it's the latter, try to emphasize the positive a little more.

That said, you've done a great job and this is a powerful essay. Just a couple minor tweaks and it will be outstanding.

[seldon]

great essay. the only edit i have is to check up on tense shifts... even though content-wise they make sense, sometimes those english summabitch people dock you for it. Ex..

"My mother, the strongest woman I know, struck down by a malevolent force that I could not see, hear, or strike out at. My mother, whom I love dearly, lying in a hospital bed with tubes going in and out of her"

from past "could not see, hear or strike out at." to present "love dearly, lying". My current english teacher bashes me all the time for this type of change. really depends on who is reading it. maybe bring the "struck down" phrase into the present?

great essay!

[Cornholio]

Psst, seldon:

The essay takes place in two time frames. It's coo.

[drdirt]

The only thing I would add- thinking about your target audience as admissions officers and not maggots, you might want to emphasize your committment to fullfilling your aspirations (and what they are) and de-emphasize that you enjoy life as much as you can.

[Samwich]

Wow, that was a lot more than i expected. Thanks a lot everyone. You hit upon a lot of the stuff I have been trying to change. The concluding paragraph was the hardest part to write. As someone told me in a PM, it sounds kind of contrived. I agree entirely... I need to rework it.

What i didn't see before is how negative it was. Of course I realized that it wasn't a happy essay, but it is definitely a good idea to stress the positive more. I guess I knew I wanted to expand the last paragraph, but I couldn't see how... I'll play around with working that into the front end.

roo: I'm definitely not insulted at all. It would hardly be fair if I asked for comments/reactions then got pissed when someone gave them to me. It's a personal subject, sure, but if i couldn't take criticism on it, I wouldn't have posted it. I really like your comments. I'm not sure that some of them work for this short version, because I have to say so much in such a short space (i.e., i don't think i can turn the 'climax' of the essay into a paragraph), but I have a longer version that I am using for all of my other college apps, and i will definitely work that in there.

Again, thanks for your comments everyone. The application must be postmarked by tomorrow, so i'm gonna do a final edit today.

house and anyone else that asked about my mom - thanks a lot for your concern. She's doing well right now. She's actually been officially cured before (to be officially cured, the cancer must be in remission for 5 years) but then, one month past the 5 year mark, she got cancer again. She had another round of treatment, and this is now the fifth or sixth time she's been in remission. It's been a year and a half so far, maybe a little more. Things are looking good for now, but I will definitely always spend as much time as possible with her, because you never know.

[dipstik]

I guess I'm a little late to give advice, but I thought it was a great essay. I would agree with everyone else though and expound on the conclusion and what you learned as a result of this hapening. It's tough though. The one thing I found when writing my essay was that I was never satisfied with it. I found a copy of mine today and found at least 3 or 4 things I would have changed. My point? You will never be happy with it, so just send it out, you'll get in

[Urbankayaker]

I love you guys that write essays... I should've but I got lazy and applied to MSU... and only MSU, I'm a big procrastinator

[powpowpowderwheels]

Sammy, good essay, i noticed one thing though in terms of revising.

"my parents had sat me and my brother..."
to
"my parents sat me and my brother..."

the change is from passive to active voice. Active voice is usually considered 'better' by college readers according to my english teacher.

good look with the college of choice