St. Patrick's Day TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

[Tippster]

SYMPTOM
CAUSE
CORRECTIVE ACTION

Feet cold and wet
Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

Feet warm and wet
Improper Bladder Control
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training

Beer unusually pale and tasteless
a. Glass empty.
b. You're holding a Coors Lite
Get someone to buy you another beer

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
You have fallen over backward.
Have yourself leashed to bar

Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
You have fallen forward
See above

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
a. Mouth not open
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror

Floor Blurred
You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Get someone to buy you another beer

Floor moving
You are being carried out
Find out if you are being taken to another bar

Room seems unusually dark
Bar has closed
Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside

Everyone looks up to you and smiles
You are dancing on the table
Fall on someone cushy-looking

Beer is crystal-clear
It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
Punch him

People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup
You're in the ladies' room
Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
You have been in a fight
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
You've wandered into the wrong party
See if they have free beer

Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
a. You're in jail
b. You're in the navy
Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach

You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps
You're in a gay bar
Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs

Your singing sounds distorted
The beer is too weak
Have more beer until your voice improves

Don't remember the words to the song
Beer is just right
Play air guitar

[PTracy P1]

Nice

[Art Shirk]

I will laminate this to my forearm like an NFL quarterback before I leave the house. Much appreciated.

[edg]

Great.

Speaking of which - post your Irish Drinking Games and Recipes.

edg

[wicked_sick]

That was good. I'll try to get all that on a t-shirt for tomorrow night. (GOing to BC/DC concert)

[fridge]

I've posted this before, but I thought it could be useful knowledge for tomorrow night:

Beer Scooter

How many times have you awakened in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you can't piece together your return journey from the pub, or that party, to your
house.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter. The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman God of liquor. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices.

The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness at this point the
"slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his
many subcontractors will detect this pheromone and send down a magical Beer Scooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger, and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of
the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are said
to be responsible for over 90% of all Unidentified Drinking Injuries
(UDI). An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of
time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals
dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a
third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing
Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending
order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT
is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is
regained in discussions and comparisons over a future period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause
the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the
passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a
scooter drive-thru food chain specializing in half eaten kebabs and pizza
crusts. Another question answered!!

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked
from other people's gardens and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These
boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tiptoe up
the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special antigravity
springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the
CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the
TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can
apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the onboard heater, which allows you to comfortably
get home from the pub in subzero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

[wicked_sick]

Thanks fridge.

Mystery solved.

[PaSucks]

"Fields Of Athenry"

By a lonely prison wall, I heard a young girl calling
Michael, they have taken you away,
For you stole Trevelyan's corn,
So the young might see the morn.
Now a prison ship lies waiting in the bay.

[Chorus:]
Low lie the fields of Athenry
Where once we watched the small free birds fly
Our love was on the wing
We had dreams and songs to sing
It's so lonely round the fields of Athenry.

By a lonely prison wall, I heard a young man calling
Nothing matters, Mary, when you're free
Against the famine and the crown,
I rebelled, they cut me down.
Now you must raise our child with dignity.

[Chorus]

By a lonely harbor wall, she watched the last star falling
As the prison ship sailed out against the sky
Sure she'll wait and hope and pray, for her love in Botany Bay
It's so lonely round the fields of Athenry.

It's so lonely round the fields of Athenry.

[PaSucks]

"The Dirty Glass"

Murphy, Murphy, darling dear
I long for you now night and day
Your pain was my pleasure, your sorrow my joy
I feel now I've lost you to health and good cheer
Darcy, when I met you I was five years too young
A boy beyond his age, or so I'd tell someone
Anyone who'd listen and a few who couldn't care
Still I welcomed you with open arms, my love I did share

[Chorus]
Darcy, Darcy darling dear,
You left me dying, crying there
In whiskey, gin, and pints of beer
I fell for you my darling dear

You shut me off and you showed me the door
But you always came crawling back begging me for more
I showed you kindness, a stool, and a tab
Then you poured me my pain in a dirty glass
(Yeah, you left him bloody, battered, penniless, and poor)
You know, I often stopped and wondered how you made it through my door
With my brother's new non-duplicate registry ID
Well you bit off more than you could chew the first day you met me.

You weren't the first to court me mister you won't be the last
Oh, I'm sure I wasn't honey, I know all about your past
Listen to the big shot with his pager on call
You spent most of those nights in my bathroom stall
(Yeah, you got him high, but you left him low)
Mind your own business, boy, how was I to know
That he was just a fiend and a no-good cheat
Well it's all in the past bitch 'cause now I've got it beat.

[PaSucks]

"Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced"

I play in a band
We're the best in the land
We're big in both Chelsea and France
I play one mean guitar and then score at the bar
There's a line of chicks waiting for their chance
So come on now honey, I'll make you feel pretty
These other gals mean nothing to me
Let's finish these drinks and be gone for the night
'Cause I'm more than a handfull you'll see

[Chorus:]
So kiss me, I'm shitfaced
and i'm soaked and i'm soiled and brown in the trousers,
She kissed me!
And I only bought her one round

I can bench press a car
I'm an ex football star
with degrees from both Harvard and Yale
Girls just can't keep up
I'm a real love machine
I've had far better sex while in jail
I designed the Sears tower
I make two grand an hour
I cook the world's best duck flambe
I'll take the pick of the litter
And girls jockey for me
I don't need these lines to get laid

[Chorus]

I'm the man of the night
A real ladies delight
See, my figure was chisled from stone
One more for the gal then I'll escort her home
Come last call, I'm never alone
I own a house on the hill with a red water bed
It puts Hugh Heffnor's mansion to shame
With girls by the pool and italian sports cars
I'm just here in this dump for the game

[Chorus x2]

Ahh, fuck it. Who am I shittin'?

I'm a pitiful sight
And I ain't all that bright
I'm definitly not chisled from stone
I'm a cheat and a liar
No woman's desire
I'll probably die cold and alone

But just give me a chance
Cause deep down inside
I swear I got a big heart of gold
I'm a monogamous man
No more one night stands
Come on, honey, let me take you home

[Chorus x4]

[wicked_sick]

As I went home on Monday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a horse outside the door where my old horse should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that horse outside the door where my old horse should be?

Ah, you're drunk,
you're drunk you silly old fool,
still you can not see
That's a lovely sow that me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But a saddle on a sow sure I never saw before

And as I went home on Tuesday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a coat behind the door where my old coat should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that coat behind the door where my old coat should be

Ah, you're drunk,
you're drunk you silly old fool,
still you can not see
That's a woollen blanket that me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But buttons in a blanket sure I never saw before

And as I went home on Wednesday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a pipe up on the chair where my old pipe should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that pipe up on the chair where my old pipe should be

Ah, you're drunk,
you're drunk you silly old fool,
still you can not see
That's a lovely tin whistle that me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But tobacco in a tin whistle sure I never saw before

And as I went home on Thursday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw two boots beneath the bed where my old boots should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns them boots beneath the bed where my old boots should be

Ah, you're drunk,
you're drunk you silly old fool,
still you can not see
They're two lovely Geranium pots me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But laces in Geranium pots I never saw before

And as I went home on Friday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a head upon the bed where my old head should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that head upon the bed where my old head should be

Ah, you're drunk,
you're drunk you silly old fool,
still you can not see
That's a baby boy that me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But a baby boy with his whiskers on sure I never saw before

And as I went home on Saturday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw two hands upon her breasts where my old hands should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns them hands upon your breasts where my old hands should be

Ah, you're drunk,
you're drunk you silly old fool,
still you can not see
That's a lovely night gown that me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But fingers in a night gown sure I never saw before

As I went home on Sunday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a thing in her thing where my old thing should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that thing in your thing where my old thing should be

Ah, you're drunk,
you're drunk you silly old fool,
still you can not see
That's a lovely tin whistle that me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But hair on a tin whistle sure I never saw before

This and kiss me i'm shitfaced are the only ones I still know when I'm drunk

[iceman]

It's so lonely round the fields of Athenry.

Athenry is where my Father's family came from, it's just outside Galway and I still have tons of cousins there.

As a full-blooded Irishman (all four of my grandparents were born in Ireland, you can't get much more Irish than that without being born there), I wish all a happy St. Patrick's day, even you bloody Sassunach.

[fridge]

While I'm not quite as pureblood as Mr. Icemang, I wish everyone a happy St. Patrick's day as well.

I plan on being drunk in 10 hours and my face is going to be as red as ever.

[PaSucks]

Athenry is where my Father's family came from, it's just outside Galway and I still have tons of cousins there.

As a full-blooded Irishman (all four of my grandparents were born in Ireland, you can't get much more Irish than that without being born there), I wish all a happy St. Patrick's day, even you lousy damn Brits.

Athenry is also the subject of my current favorite song about the potato famine, which is why I posted it. My moms family is from Omagh, County Tyrone, Northern Ireland. My dad's family is German, so I get the best of both worlds, St. Pattys day and Octoberfest!

[edg]

I'm just hear to celebrate British Imperialism - you natives just enjoy your quaint, primeval traditions...

eddg

[Oarhead]

enjoy your quaint, primeval traditions...

eddg

Like bombing the english?

[edg]

Like bombing the english?

Meh, I'm Welsh, do your worst

edg

[Oarhead]

Meh, I'm Welsh, do your worst

edg

You're right, that welsh accent is more horrific than anything the irish could hope to do.

[Woodsy]

he meant there is nothingin Wales to bomb,and they hate the English as much as you, Jock just never had the stones to do anything about it.

I have always loved St pats, but looking outside my window right now scares me a bit, bridge and tunnel irish for a day loonies.
That and I went to drop into the Pub I frequent near work to watch the NCAAs and have a pint, it was mobbed, totally loony.
I walked right back out
i think I may go home and curl up with a bottle of Powers and March Madness......

[edg]

he meant there is nothingin Wales to bomb,and they hate the English as much as you, Jock just never had the stones to do anything about it.

Jock's Scottish. But I suppose it's not suprising; all you 'Irish' Americans have trouble with the realities of the UK, Eire included.

edg

[wicked_sick]

The Welsh are the ones who are down with sheep, right?

Or is that the New Zealanders?

[edg]

The Welsh are the ones who are down with sheep, right?

Or is that the New Zealanders?

It's more a case of both. Though the New Zealanders are principally of Scottish stock, if I'm not mistaken.

edg

[Tippster]

blah...blah...blah...blah...blah...blah...blah...b lah...blah...i think I may go home and curl up with a bottle of Powers and March Madness......

I knew I liked you for a reason.

[edg]

I can't believe you sold me out to lik, tipp

edg

[Free Range Lobster]

he didn't.