WWMD?? Major family Issues

[laseranimal]

my sad sack story......I apologize for the length and stream of conciousness writing but I really needed to vent


In short me and my parents don't even come close to getting along, they don't like my wife, my job, my friends etc.... aka they're from Greenwich, CT and I want nothing to do with the social climbing backstabing world in which they run and have told them so on numerous occasions. The only thing that BARELY holds the family together is skiing and even thats not happening since my mother has decreed that hates and has always hated skiing and all of our stupid trips and basicly now acts miserable any time skiing is REMOTELY discussed.........Blah blah blah


SOOOOOOOOOOOO

I haven't been to my house in 13 months and I really haven't had any contact with my family since my mother threw a fit worthy of a 4 year old at my wedding because she refused be announced in at the reception because "her placecards had been removed from her tables" never mind that I had personally told her that both my wife and I DID NOT want there to be placecards at the tables people could simply sit where they wanted to and I though it rude that ONLY her guests would have placecards.

My sister called me about a week ago and told me that she and my brother were both off from school and wanted to come up for the weekend to do some skiing and would I be interested in a sibling ski trip. I'm trying to be the good guy here and reconcile so I said sure I'd love to. We planed out that they would come up to my house on New Years day and we'd head over to the local hill for 2-3 hours of skiing to let them get they're legs since they haven't skiied in over a year. Friday we'd do MRG or Bush and Sunday we'd stay close to home and do Bromley so they wouldn't have a long drive back to CT.

So here I was all psyched for the weekend, I took the time off from work, spent a whole weekend cleaning up my house/getting food/readying rooms and generally getting pumped to see my siblings. We had planed for them to arrive at my house at 2-3 Pm so that we could get settled and head out to go ski. 4 PM rolls around and nobody shows, I call my sisters cell phone, NADA, really worried that somethings happened I call the house to see whats up, I get my sister on the phone who informs me that my mother just wanted to have dinner with them before they left, NEVERMIND that I had already had made dinner plans with the two of them and bought all the stuff to make dinner. I blow it off as just my families normal bullshit but am still pissed because I wanted to go skiing that day.

My sister informs me that she and my brother would be leaving at 8 which would put them up at my house at 11pm, to which I responded that I would be leaving my house NO later then 6 AM the next day to drive to MRG and if they wanted a ride they'd better be up, so my sister wisely decided to leave at 6 so they'd make it up by 9, in short they made it up and proceded to tell me how rude it was to inform them that I would be leaving that early after they've driven up so long. To which I just shrugged and said its a LONG drive to MRG and its going to snow and at this point this year on the East Coast its gone beyond no friends on a powder day its now become no friends on a SNOW DAY, plus I blew a day off yesterday where I sat at home waiting for them to get they're asses up here and I was most definately going to get in a day at MRG with or without them.

6 AM and they actually wake up and get in gear fast enough to get out the door by 6:15. We get to MRG and proceed to get lift tix, where my sister proceeds to tear my brother a new one because he forgot his high school ID which would have dropped the ASTRONOMICALLY HIGH MRG lift ticket from $45 to $35. As some background my sister IS the trendy rich girl from Greenwich you've all read about and hopefully never met.(Even she'll admit to it), my little brother is seven years younger then me and is the happy go lucky kid who just wants everyone to be happy and has no spine to ever stand up for himself because he'll roll over and die on command if it makes someone happy. He profusely appologizes and promises to pay the $10 back out of his allowence, and my sister tells him that he'll have to pay it to Mom and Dad because they're the ones paying for this trip. MRG was fun to vent my frustrations I think I hit every single mogul line that I possibly could, my little brother skied out of his mind(for him) I've never seen him handle terrain like he skiied as well as he did, so I was SUPER stoked for him!!! My sister on the other hand(who is a REALLY good skier normally) SUCKED ASS, I think she fell on every single run and spent the day making comments about the hippy types who sold granola in the birdcage and the heavy amounts of duct tape and out of fashion clothes.

When I bumped into Vinz in the liftline I had just finished explaining what the Maggots were all about and her comment was "well I'm glad to know that there is a community of freaks on the internet that talks about nothing more then skiing. You all must be so proud of yourselves that you can sit around and do nothing all day but talk about skiing" I shot back that this was coming from someone who before she discovered the wonders of underage drinking and trendy clothing wanted to move out to colorado to work as a Patroller. The fact that Vinz asked for change for a nickel and that I knew what that ment threw her for a loop, as I bet she thought I was making all of this up, that and the fact that she couldn't ski more then two turns on fall line without either falling or having her binding pre-release(yes they were markers ) Needless to say she was pretty beat up physically and emotionally and the car ride back was spent licking her wounds in stoic silence.

Got back to my house, had dinner, and my wife and I had a great time catching up with them, so I figured I'd cut them a break, it was a long day and there really wasn't any rush the next morning to get to Bromley so I told them we'd try to get out the door by 8:30 so we could be on the slopes by 10ish, after I said that I told them to make SURE that they got everything out of my car because my wife needed it to go teach skating early Saturday morning. Next morning comes, not only do they take forever packing up but sure enough they forgot to get their jackets and boots out of my car. 30 minute detour to get them, but I'm like no problem its raining out and skiings not going to be that good anyway, I'd brought my tele skis out to have a little fun and let them humiliate me down the hill for a change. We'd already decided to take their car so that they could leave right from the mountain so they could get home.

We get over to bromley at 10:30, and as I'm unloading with my brother my sister runs over to the ticket window, and comes back and says, we need to discuss this. Discuss what?, who's the unlucky bastard who gets to drive the car down to park and have to walk back??? Nope, she starts with "Mom and Dad want us to leave no later then 1:45 so we can be back home by 5:45 at the latest because we're having dinner and its fondue. And I don't think its worth it to pay $54 to ski for a couple of hours" I realize whats going on but figure I might try to salvage whats becoming a shitty weekend by suggesting that they call home and ask if dinner can be later(for those of you who don't know what beef fondue is its basicly steak cut into squares dipped into hot oil and then you can dip your square into a sauce) The meal itself is not what you would call a DIFFICULT one to either prepair OR to stall for an hour or two. Basicly you have to cut the steaks and heat up the oil which takes a grand total of about 30 minutes.

My sister replies that its not about the dinner time its the economic issue, it just doesn't make sense to spend that much to go skiing for that little. At this point I'm figuring my cheapskate parents who own a 3.5 MILLION DOLLAR house are forcing my sister to pay for her own tickets so I offer to pay for her ticket and she tells me that its not her money its mom and dads and she just doesn't feel comfortable spending it for that little skiing, I try the "what they don't know can't hurt them and the money has already been budgeted for skiing anyway so why not use it?" But its no use, I give them a hug and kiss and send them on they're way, My little brother looks like someone kicked him in the teeth at this point so I whisper that I'd bust him out of school sometime and we'd go skiing by ourselves, so he feels a little better. I simply shake my head at the bromley parking guy who gives me a smile as I walk up to go skiing.


[holy fucking long post!! Continues below]

[laseranimal]

Conditions were thin, gloppy and wet and I don't think I've ever relished skiing anymore then I did that day. But I can't dog the feeling that somewhere I got sucker punched, so under the guise of calling to check on whether my siblings made it home I call the house at 6 to see if dinners being served(my family is NOTORIOUSLY late for everything, if dinners supposed to be at 6 its usually on the table no later then 7:30) and JUST AS I SUSPECTED, dinner wasn't ready. I just stood there with my jaw open and told them I'd call them back. It was at that moment that I realized that this whole weekend had beed DELIBERATELY submarined by my parents and my mother in particular. She had made it very clear before this trip that she and my father would be out of town this weekend, which is why we picked the dates. My father was in Kentucky visiting family and my mother was supposed to go out to Arizona to visit her family. Well once my mother figured out that I was going to be spending ANY unsupervised time with my little brother(who I'm trying to convince to go to Rennslear Poly-tech so he'd be close to me) had to be made as short as possible. My mother NEVER cooks, she has maids to do that for her and to cook two meals in the space of 3 days is downright odd. She made sure that she stalled them on Thursday so they wouldn't be up until it was too late to actually sit and chat, and then forced them home on Saturday by demanding an early dinner. I hadn't realized it but my sister was on her cell phone with my mother in a hushed tone on Friday night after MRG and I know my mother and sister are two peas from the same pod, they both think I've married beneath my social standind and I should have a better job then being a glorified babysitter for lower class school children(I'm a director of a Before/After school program that mainly has middle to lower class kids in it) I love my wife, I love my job, I like where I am in life, I've told them this, I've gotten to the point where their Shit doesn't bother me that much but with my wife being pregnant, I'm really thinking about dropping the nuclear warhead on my whole family(besides my little brother who's too young to be involved in any of this). I was close to doing it after the their crap at my wedding, but my Pastor father in law talked me out of it, and given the fact that they called him and his wife all sorts of nasty names and insulted my wifes whole bridal party(two thirds of which were friends of mine) I figured if he could call off the dogs then who was I to push the button, but its now been 6 months since the wedding and my wife and I have yet to recive a wedding present from Mom and Dad, instead we got some letter stating that they were "hard up for money" and would be getting us something in the near future. This was before the TWO all expenses paid trips to France that they've sent my sister on plus paying all her expenses for her apartment down in Georgetown(after telling me to pay for mine, and then screaming at my future in laws when they took me in RENT FREE for 2 years), and the close to $1500 they've spent on my little brother outfitting him with the latest gear for his computer, playstation2, and new gear for his boat. I don't begrudge my brother and sister for they're stuff but my parents aren't hard up by any defintion of the word. Hard up is the mother who walked into my program at 7 this morning to drop one of her two kids off, telling me that her boyfriend beat her up because she got pregnant with his kid and wouldn't give up the baby. She's making $215 every two weeks and barely makes ends meet as it is, THAT IS HARD UP.....
My parents have a full time maid for 2 people plus a gardener and landscaper, they are nowhere near hard up


OK THATS ENOUGH RANTING FROM ME, I just wanna know what would the maggots do in this situation?? I've had it with my parents, I'm almost 24 years old, I have a job, a mortgage, a wife, and soon a kid, I feel like I'm doing what I love and I really could care less about them and their thoughts and opinions, and I really don't want to subject myself, my wife, OR ESPECIALLY my KID to their fucking crap anymore..................What should I do????

[laseranimal]

AGAIN I APPOLOGIZE FOR THE LONG POSTS!!!!!!

[iceman]

I guess my advice would sorta depend on whether you think you're still in the will.

[TJ.Brk]

Wow. Dude you must need two bottles of rolaids per phone call with them. But if it will make you feel better you could go to "Blurreds" bitch slapping thread and do some pretending

Anyway. It sounds to me like you have a great wife, great inlaws, great life, and a good head on your shoulders. And sometimes distance from mom and siblings can be a good thing. Believe me I know it is a good thing Maybe for your own familys mental health and well being you should keep things at a distance from them. And my gut tells me that your brother really needs you now. Keep in touch with him. I know it's tough. I was in a very similar situation (although we were white trash). I broke things off with members of my family for awhile untill they started treating people with more respect. Best decision I could have made.

Congrats on the baby.

[Blurred Elevens]

Good god that was a long post! I thought I was done reading it, and than it started!

All kidding aside, dude you're 24 years old. You're married and are supporting yourself and your family. It's time you be a man and stand up for yourself, making your own decisions. You obviously skipped that part in your life that teaches you that your parents are simply people and not gods. You need to do what you want, how you want. If I were you, I'd let them know how you feel, and if they can't live with that, than they suck and go on with your life. I pretty much did that with my Dad, I hardly ever talk to him. (maybe 3 times in 7 years)

Good luck and congrats on the baby!

[zion zig zag]

first off, i'd write this down and send it to fox, they love this shit. they made a show just like it, only the father's in prison.

second, read icemans post and move forward accordingly.

[Kellie]

All I can say is that I don't envy your situation in ANY way . . . family drama is just that, and there doesn't seem to be a clear answer. And, somehow, your family knows exactly how to get under your skin and boil your blood like nobody's business. I'm not sure what I'd say to do, except do your thing, try to cultivate what you can with the ones who will let you in (your brother). I wouldn't try to satisfy your mom and sister though. You'll never win, and it will never be enough. In my experience in this arena, the only way it worked out was by pulling away, acknowledging the disalignment, and starting over from a new base. This, of course, only works if both parties are into it, and it doesn't sound like your mom is. For whatever reason, it seems easy for parents to get stuck in a paradigm and put labels on life (social status), disregarding that life really is about being happy. So, my disorganized answer is: be happy. Do what you love (which is what it sounds like you're doing), do what you can for the family, but don't give too much (to the point that it becomes a big sacrifice). Not sure if this helps, but I hope it does :-) I am 23 and can easily imagine myself in your shoes (though husband/child is just about as far from my life as you can get!).

[Telenater]

I've seen too many of the disfunctional rich families during my summers in the 'Daks. Occasionally you see one of the kids make it out in good shape. Sounds like you're one of them and that your brother has a chance with love and support from you.

[Billow]

That sucks and the situation sucks, its that simple. Drop the bomb if you must.
Two people fuck and have babies…………..hopefully raise em good and then you have a life.
Let it out, all of it fully and honestly. Allow it to absorb for a bit and then do what you feel fit.

[The AD]

I'd say try to remain cordial with them, but keep your distance. There's really no point in having a big blowout fight. I doubt either you or them will be happier if that happens. Definitely try to stay in touch as much as possible with your bro. Who knows, in time maybe your folks will try to extend the olive branch and realize they've been pricks. Then again, maybe they won't, but it shouldn't affect you if as much if you keep them at a distance.

Also Iceman's advice is solid

One more thing, don't let petty shit like them not giving you a wedding present piss you off. You're financially independent now and shouldn't give a rat's ass about how they spend their money.

[Pinner]

I dunno. Maybe your Mom is right and just horribly misunderstood.

Rich people make me sad.

[Snow Dog]

That was so long I had to refresh to see the responses.

All I can say laser is "take a pill". Actually what I can say is I understand and I have two words for you:

POWER STRUGGLE

Your mother, for example, exerts her power and influence by inconveniencing others. Making others change their schedule to accomodate her, for example, makes her powerful. Maybe others in your family do it too. Maybe you do too.

How to deal and be happy? By setting your expectations to zero. If they show up then they show up. Bonus. If they arrive for dinner -- bonus. If they go skiing -- bonus. If they blow you off then more time for you. Take what you get and be happy.

Never, ever whine about how you've gone out of your way. That just feeds the power.

You have to detach and pretend you're watching the live version of "As the Stomach turns." That's not to say you shouldn't care. Your little brother could probably use a brother who listens and is supportive. Maybe your sister does too. There's no point ragging on them because they already get their share.

I'm super laid back so when I see it happening with friends of mine I stay cool and stay supportive. That's all I can do.

[tibaher]

yeah man, go ski first, take stock in the fact your new family loves you and they are now the most important people in your life. Take care of your new family and yourself first, and let all the family relations become what they may. SnowDog is right on it too. Don't begrudge anybody for doing only what they know how to do...

[ak_powder_monkey]

get your brother and move to alaska

[JR]

Originally posted by iceman
I guess my advice would sorta depend on whether you think you're still in the will.

LOL, perfect.

I think it is natural for parents to want to control their kids lives or at least see them live up to their standards. They do have a lot invested after 15 or 20 years of asswiping, babysitting, worrying etc. This does not justify dispruptive meddling in their kids affairs however. As the oldest of 4 kids, it kind of fell on me to break my parents to some degree of this nasty habit. Basically I ignored them for most of about 6 years and after that, I spent time with them but left or cut off contact if they tried to meddle or otherwise manipulate. I call them whenever I hear them going on about one of my siblings if I figure it is bullshit and basically I just don't feed the animal. I ignore it.

My parents have changed dramatically during my lifetime as have I. There is still hope for your folks. Maturing and growing up is not something that is over when you move out of the family home. It is a lifelong process. If you are persistent, calm and consitent with your message, eventually they hear it. And if they don't, well fuck 'em.

[Schmear]

Originally posted by JR
If you are persistent, calm and consitent with your message, eventually they hear it. And if they don't, well fuck 'em.

What he said. It's noble that you want to try to be the good guy in the family, but sometimes you just gotta get out of dodge. Distance will give you a whole new perspective. Take your wife and kid and start a new life, maybe out west.

[Dr. Crash]

I'd say have the parents sell the house and make a lift tickets / ski trip trust fund with the few millions it's worth. Then move to Europe where you'd only blow $35 for a couple hours of skiing.

No, really... Sorry to read about (some of, I skipped a couple sentences...) your situation. Don't let it turn yourself into too much worry. Take care of your own family first (wife/kids), then the rest of them.

drC

[ArmchairExtreme]

First, POTW.

Second, Get way the fuck away from all of them. I have never been so happy in all my life as when I moved as far as possible away from my entire dysfunctional nuclear (as in war) family.

[G]

I would kidnap the boy, and kill all the rest.

Or,

Just grow a F'ing sack and stop taking thier manipulative shit, and then complaining about on a ski website.*

Think: What do you gain from keeping them in your life? what would you lose cutting them out? It seems like a pretty easy decision to me. Just because they're family doesn't mean that they deserve your blood and tears.

But, whatever you do, try and save your little brother, It sounds like he still has a chance in life.


*sorry man, I'm sure that sounded harsh, but seriously....

[G]

Second, Get way the fuck away from all of them. I have never been so happy in all my life as when I moved as far as possible away from my entire dysfunctional nuclear (as in war) family. [/B]

I've found that a distance of about three to seven thousand miles is almost far enough.

[snowsprite]

Dude, it's time to fire up the war-head. You've taken this crap way too long. Who cares about the stupid will or money. Nobody should manipulate or treat you that way--even your mother. And I say this as a mom myself.

Go ahead and unleash whatever pent-up fury you have on the parents and don't hold back. It will feel good. Tell her exactly what you think of her. You are a grown man, not her little baby anymore. She needs to see what her attitude is doing to you and the rest of her kids. It might shake her up enough to change her. Otherwise she will ostracize you and that might actually be best. That wedding thing...oh man. I can't believe you didn't blow at that point. I give you a lot of credit, but enough is enough.

You're about to become a dad now, and you have the opportunity to start a different type of family than the one you came from. I get the feeling you're going to rise to the occasion, kudos to you for having a level head and apparently good values!

Also, I don't think it's bad to post this here. Obviously this has been bothering you and we are cheaper than a therapist. I'm glad you got it all out. Doesn't bother me one bit! And I hope you can weed thru the advice you're given to find a solution that's going to work best for you. Good luck dude!
Sprite

PS--your little brother sounds very cool. I hope he gets into a school near you & your wife so you guys can exert more influence on him than your parents do.

[interloper]

Still trying to manipulate you even though your an adult. I see it all the time with my wifes family. Each parent has a favorite child and sticks there nose into everything they do. Giving advice even when it's not wanted. Too many issues and personal agendas. Cut the strings and raise your own family. Now if I could just get my loser brother-in-law out of my house.

[laseranimal]

Originally posted by iceman
I guess my advice would sorta depend on whether you think you're still in the will.

LOL thats too funny given the fact that earlier in the week my 93 year old grandmother(who lives independantly by herself in Minesota, god I hope I'm as healthy as she is at 70) called me apologizing, APARENTLY there was a fund set up for my college education by her and her husband, it was in my mothers name until I turned 21 when it would be given to me, and whatever was left was to be given over to me to help me once I was out of school. Nana told me that she has inquired numerous times as to what has happend to the remainder of the money and has gotten nowhere with either of my parents. I vaguely remember being told to sign some bank papers when I turned 21 to finalize something having to do with taxes and that my parents wanted me to do it right away, at that point in my life I just thought my parents were normal and that everyones parents acted the way mine did, I'm betting that that was the college fund and I signed it over to them without even knowing it

[vinzclortho]

I agree with Blurred, if you are happy and are supporting yourself then your parents can go screw. You sound like a pretty well-rounded caring guy. Why would you want to be around someone who is so manipulative? People who get off on that stuff are generally NOT good people. I don't mean to put down your family or anything, but it's your life bro. Tell your parents you've made your decisions are couldn't be happier with them, keep in touch with your little brother and help him realize his life is his own and not to let mom and dad control him. I mean at least you can help him overcome the guilt you are obviously feeling.