Pherotones

[Hutch]

I can't tell if this is a joke or not.

http://www.pherotones.com/index.php

Are you ready to unlock your sexual potential in an adventure of self-discovery through untamed passion and incredible pleasure? If you said “Yes,” then you’re ready for Pherotones, the ringtone secret that can make you irresistible to the opposite sex. Click on these absolutely free Pherotones and listen for yourself. Then share your favorite Pherotones with other “special friends.”*
*Warning. Pherotones have the potential to transform a friend into something more.

[A-wreck]

My ringtones cause me to get so much ass that I'm over it. I'm just sick and tired of pussy.

[Viva]

Pherotones are not intended for anyone under the age of 18

Right, we don't want 8 year olds dry-humping each other every time the cellie goes off, eh?

[Sutter]

why pay for this service? when my phone starts vibrating I place it where I want it and the rest is molding soft puddy in my hands.

[Sutter]

if your phone was on your person and no one else was around you, imagine what could happen...

New York Times
January 24, 2005
David Barry

MAN WANKS HIMSELF TO DEATH AFTER REPEAT TELEMARKETER WOULDN'T GIVE UP

A Queens man in his early twenties was found in a bathroom of an Arby's, lying in a makeshift paper towel and toilet-paper bed, covered in creamy liquid pleasure after servicing himself for over five and a quarter hours late Thursday night NYPD officials reported. The officers broke down the public bathroom door after Arby's employee Jefferson Herjinski called 911 and claimed there had been an ongoing continued disturbance in the bathroom. When faced with further questioning to describe the commotion, Mr. Herjinski claimed it resembled a rabid cow molesting a drugged coyote on the night of a full moon.

Once the door had been removed, and mops requested to clean up what officer Patrick McDick described as "one of the most gruesome scenes since Batman, when The Joker receives surgery after being horrible burned by the acid...and of course covered in jizz in this case. Pure filth, I tell ya," a medical examiner was brought in to investigate the broad and exagerrated smile on the face of the victim. Quickly the examiner, Dr. Hugh Remooter made the statement the victim fell blissfully to his own demise due to wankus-maximus, a rare condition where a human can so excessivey masturbate, it triggers a seratonin definciency, requiring, in laymans terms, "the magic button to be frequently/consistently pushed until the body goes into shock and expires."

After weeks of investigation, much media hype and the porno world mourning "a star who never got the chance to shine his white light on the faces of the public, a man with a gift that no one knew about," the NYPD testicular ballisticular unit made a surprising discovery. The victim's phone had been enhanced with a Pherotones subsonic erotic ring tone. Whereas in most cases this ring tone program is harmless and mostly triggers sex with heinous women in bar bathrooms and the occasional class action suit from a tween becoming molested by hs own dog, this particular situation turned deadly once a dedicated telemarketer became involved.

Looking at the victim's incoming call log was a series of 36 calls from a telemarketing firm that wanted the victim to shave seconds on his shave time in the morning with the revolutionary product from Japan, the "Cutchoo-up". The victim received the call after drying his hands in the Arby's bathroom and because the subsonic frequency became enveloped in the tiny bathroom space, the victim could not helping stroking his meatwad repeatedly. He attemtpted to answer each call hoping it would give him enough time to not start chaffing and geta breather, however, this only taunted the kamikaze caller from Cleveland. In his deposition, the caller stated he asked if the victim was interested in the Cutchoo-up and heard repeatedly "Ohhhh yeah, ohh yeah, that's it!!!!!!" When he lost the call, he again called feeling like he had this guy hook, line, and razor. Unforunately for this queens man, his subsonic pleasure rays landed him subterranean.