INDUSTRY NEWS!

[Sluff Vertigo]

NEW SKI MAGAZINE TO CATER TO KIDS MARKET!

Boulder, Colorado, November 10, 2005—In a bid to regain the younger demographic they’ve been hemorrhaging to reality for years, Tempest-in-a-Teapot Publishing, creators of the bumps ‘n’ boobs industry standard SKIERFREER, today announced the launch of Nap Time, a ski publication aimed squarely at hard-to-impress young rippers in the four-to-eight age bracket.
“We’ve been aiming pretty low with SKIERFREER,” says editor-in-chief Fagford Gayfield, “but apparently not low enough. We’re still losing these kids to Builder Bob and Sesame Street.”
Gayfield, who has a degree in young-youth marketing, says the biggest challenge was finding a title that both appealed to the sensibility of the targeted demographic and described the content in short, easy-to-comprehend language for early readers.
“It came together fast,” he recalls. “We were holding a focus group in a giant Coors Light®™ hot tub with some super-hot babes like we usually do, and I got the ball rolling by asking, ‘What could be more interesting for kids than SKIERFREER?’ And this kinda drunk Canadian guy said, ‘Nap time, you idiot,’ and it stuck. We were thrilled.”
As for its business model, Nap Time won’t be battling it out on an already-crowded newsstand. Instead, given the target group’s financial status, the magazine will be distributed free in schools, where Gayfield guarantees it will be in high demand.
“We’ve done our homework,” he says. “Visited early-learning centers and Cub Scout meetings, tried PlayStation. We know what kids want. Hey, have you heard Baby Beluga? Wicked tune...”
Nap Time’s content will consist mostly of pictures of famous ski athletes, especially women (“They’re mother figures,” insists Gayfield, “and kids naturally key on breasts.”) and kid’s menu-style word games, puzzles and colouring. Reading material will be kept to a minimum.
“If we extrapolate backward from the teenagers… er, people who buy SKIERFREER, it’s pretty clear these kids aren’t interested in, or even capable of reading,” summarizes Gayfield. “So our mission is to show what skiing is all about: hero worship and hucking hot chicks… I mean, hero worship, hucking and hot chicks. After all, kids are the future of our sport.” —Hamish Kinney

[Rontele]

This looks to be entirely too much effort for something entirely not that funny.

[cuzinick]

My jongness prevents me from laughing.

[Tippster]

You lost me at "Tempest in a Teapot."

[splat]

Yeah, all the cool kids read those canuckian mags......