Some facts about Chuck Norris

[Rontele]

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

when Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris doesn't rely on a "pussy ass immune system", as he calls it. Instead there is a school of piranha that inhabits his circulatory system.

[crashnburn'd]

Chuck Norris should roundhouse kick you upside the head for posting a rerun.

[A-wreck]

Who would have thought this of all things would become a rerun?

And I still call bullshit that he killed a buck using a knife while jumping from a tree stand.

[Clack]

It was only a swiss army knife too. I'm serious.

[Core Shot]

Rontele,
First rule of posting funny chain email shit is to do a search first.

This prevents having folks call you a fucktard or tardonic and shouting re-run and jong.

For example:

http://www.tetongravity.com/forums/s...ad.php?t=39560

you missed your chance to start a good thread by 4 days.

[Rontele]

Core Shot,

yeah yeah, it was an impetuous post. I am usually pretty good about using the search function, but alas, I am still a jong, fucktard, et. al.

I like your moniker, however, the Buckeyes do suck.

[Core Shot]

I like your moniker, however, the Buckeyes do suck.

Not as much as Michigan this year

[Rontele]

Core Shot,

a fellow Wolverine? I graduated in '03, miss Ann Arbor everyday, Red Hots, etc...

[Grange]

It was only a swiss army knife too. I'm serious.

Did he use the spoon?

In college I saw a video where this guy killed a huge boar with a big hunting knife. He had a bunch of people surrounding the pig with spears so it couldn't get a way. I think that was the last hunting video my roommates ever rented.

[steve]

Chuck Himself comments on this.

http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx
...and he's using it to pitch his book.

[Danno]

Vin Diesel has his own set of random facts.

[irul&ublo]

It cant be done. Screwing in a light bulb is an upper division course.

[iceman]

bwa....

IN RESPONSE TO THE "RANDOM FACTS" THAT ARE BEING GENERATED ON THE INTERNET

I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.
~ Chuck Norris

Chuck has a chat room on that site, it's got to be at least as good as the Billy Jack chat room.

heh, Billy Jack chatter vs. Chuck Norris chatter, let's get it on!

[ddsnake]

Can anyone tell me why this Chuck Norris crap is supposed to be funny ?

I'v seen people posting this weak attempt at humor for months on different message boards .....and it wasn't even funny the first time.

[gomer]

Chuck thinks it's kinda funny

edit: oops. missed that.

[vinzclortho]

Chuck thinks it's kinda funny

NICE. Rerun within a rerun!

[Godwin-Austin]

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.


oh, thats good - thats good.