Dumb jokes

[Buster Highmen]

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
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You can find deer nuts under a buck.

[Viva]

An abused child in Los Angeles had to appear in court. He was abused by his parents and the court could not decide on whom to award custody to since both the mom and dad were terrible and abusive parents.

The judge and lawyers huddled and then asked the child which parent he wished to be awarded custody to

After some thinking, the child said he wanted to be awarded to the UCLA Bruin football team.

The judge asked why?

The child said, because everyone knows those guys never beat anyone.

[Beaver]

A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks the car on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"
Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

[Beaver]

The U.S. Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of George W. Bush to honour his achievements.

In daily use, it has been shown that the stamp is not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special presidential commission has made the following findings:

1) The stamp is in perfect order.
2) There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
3) People are spitting on the wrong side.

[snow_slider]

more jokes than you can shake a stick at (well, ok you CAN shake a stick at them, but it's still a lot of jokes):

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over ?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found ou! t she wa s pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

[p.blz]

How do you get a Witch pregnant?
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Fuck her

[Alioops]

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac?
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He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.

[irul&ublo]

What has three legs and is worth over a billion dollars?
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Paul McCartney and his wife

[fridge]

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
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Roberto.

[yentna]

Three pregnant young women are at the doctor's office, about to find out the genders of their babies. They start chatting.

The first young woman says "I'm sure I'm having a boy. I was on the bottom, so I know I'm having a boy."

The second young woman says "well, I'm having a girl. I was on the top, that's how I know I'm having a girl."

They turn to the third young woman, and are surprised to see her crying. "What's wrong?" they ask.

The crying girl hesitates for a moment, then bawls






























"I'm having puppies!"

[KarlHungus]

Before going out one evening, a married couple made sure to put the dog out.

The taxi arrived, and as the couple headed out, the dog shot back into the house. They didn't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband went upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explained to the taxi driver, "My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he said, "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"

[Grange]

My personal favorite: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
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Because it was dead.

[Mit]

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
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Monkey See Monkey Do.

[Mit]

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
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Peer Pressure

[Pinner]

Albany, KY----- Kentucky's worst air disaster occurred early yesterday when a two-seater Cessna 150 crashed into a cemetery in Albany. Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

[Superstar Punani]

Q: What do you do to a dog with no legs?
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A: Take it for a drag

[13]

What do you call cheese that's not yours?
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Nacho cheese.