Pants

[Buster Highmen]

So, what about pants? Why are there no bright orange, red or yellow pants? How about the Eldridge Cleaver pants? Or the pant suit?

Do pants bind us? Are they the root of society's ills? Or do we seek protection in pants?

[bagtagley]

I pant dance and I pant sing, but I make a mean margarita.

[gincognito]

I'm sure the english folks are having a good laugh right about now.

Sick and ashamed and happy (and trying not to picture bad_roo in bright orange pants),
d.

[The AD]

Why are there no bright orange, red or yellow pants?

[Pinner]

PANTS THROUGH THE AGES:
A HISTORICAL ROMANCE

VOICEOVER BY NARRATOR (should be someone everyone loves and trusts. Bob Hope, Carl Sagan, or Ed MacMahon would be good. Don't even think about rone): "Pants."

[Hold on TITLE for a few more seconds. Fade into NARRATOR seated at a desk.]
NAR: "Yes, pants. Everybody knows about them ... "

[Sudden crashing music. Zoom in to tight shot of NARRATOR'S eyes, narrowing]

" ... or DO they?"
[Music stops abruptly. Zoom back to previous shot of NARRATOR]
"Today on our historical docudrama, we take a look at ... pants. Pants throughout history. Their role in weaving the fabric of modern life. Pants in philosphy. Pants in war. And ... "

[Music starts to fade in: something orchestral by some baroque guy.]

" ... pants in love."
[Music continues up. Picture fades away from NARRATOR, fades up on closeup of JULIET, looking very intensely into camera]
JULIET: "Romeo, oh Romeo. Wherefore art thy pants?"

[Pull back slowly. JULIET is on a balcony. Beneath her is ROMEO. He is not wearing any pants.]
[Back to NARRATOR at desk.]


NAR: "But let's start at the very beginning. Let's look at ... the DAWN of PANTS!"

[Shimmery bit of camera work, scene changes to a shot of jungle, loud bird noises, monkeys hooting in background, that sort of thing. Hold long enough to establish shot, then GROG runs past as fast as he can. Immediately behind him is a Tyrannosaurus rex. GROG is not wearing any pants. The tyrannosaur is wearing pants.]
VOICEOVER: Is THIS ... where it all started?

[Scene changes to a PANEL OF EXPERTS sitting at a long table. Camera starts at far left, pans right. As it picks up each new person's head, that expert speaks. Very serious.]
MATT: "Yes."


IAN: "No."


GROG: "No."


CARL SAGAN: "Billions ... er, yes."


TIGER WOODS: "My putting was good, but my drives were short."


TYRANNOSAURUS: "Yes."

[Cut to graphic. Three pairs of pants are stacked to show "Yes,", one pair of pants is stacked to show "No," two pairs of pants are stacked to show "Putting." A pair of cut-off shorts shows "Drives." Hold on graphic for three seconds. GROG'S finger reaches in, picks up the other pair of pants that has fallen down, holds them above the other "No" pair.]
[Scene changes back to NARRATOR at his desk.]

NAR: "But pants didn't really enter history until the Trojan War, when the cunning Odysseus suggested the Trojan Pants."

[Scene changes to outside ancient Troy. A huge pair of wooden pants stands on the plain outside. After a minute, the gates of Troy open and the Trojans come out and pull the pants inside the walls with a giant pair of suspenders.]
VOICEOVER: "And not until Roman times did pants really become part of the mainstream of history."

[Camera moves smoothly along a Roman road. It passes a series of stone pants to the side of the road. Chiselled on the pants are the following inscriptions:
WHEN THE ROMAN LEGIONS
CONQVERED FRANCE
THEIR WHISKERS CAME OFF
SO DID THEIR PANTS
BVRMA SHAVE
[Scenes change to various examples of Roman architecture. An aqueduct is supported on arches; camera zooms in on an arch, we see it is a pair of pants made of stone blocks. Closeup of a stone gate: Zoom back so we can see it is the fly of a pair of mostly-buried pants. The Colosseum: the arches are carved as pants. A series of temples; pillars are in the shapes of pants.

[Scene changes again. JULIUS CAESAR in a chariot driving through cheering crowds. An old SOOTHSAYER totters up to him.]

SOOTHSAYER: "Beware ... the pants ... of March!"

[Caesar looks puzzled.]
[Scene changes to show Caesar surrounded by rebels. BRUTUS turns around, drops his pants and moons CAESAR.]

CAESAR: "Et tu, Brute?"

[Back to NARRATOR at his desk again.]
NAR: "But Rome and its pants fell, and Europe entered into the Dark Ages of Pants. Attila the Hun, known as "The Scourge of Pants," and his hordes swept mercilessly across Europe."

[Scene: a peaceful village, peasants thrashing grain and doing other peasant things. Thunder of hooves in the distance, very rapidly approaches, the horde of Huns charge through the village in sped-up motion, thunder past the peasants and disappear into the distance. Peasants are in the same places as before but are now pantsless.]
[Camera shows a map of Europe, dotted here and there are bearskins, togas, and loincloths.]

VOICEOVER: "Europe slowly recovered from the Dark Ages of Pants ... "

[Here and there bearskins, etc., change into pants.]
" ... and with the new wealth came new religious fervour. Europe gathered itself together and launched the Crusades to recover the Holy Pants from the grasp of the Mohammedans."
[The pants gather together, march in unison toward the Middle East. Stirring martial music. Scene changes to knights riding past. They wear chain mail shirts and pants. One passes with a banner, a pair of pants tied to a pole.]
[Back to NARRATOR at his desk again.]

NAR: "Meanwhile, in Spain, the Inquisition spread terror everywhere ... "

[Scene changes to Cardinal Ximinez sitting in a chair. He looks up wearily.]
XIMENEZ: "Bugger off. Just bugger off, you hear? I can't say it."

[Camera holds for a moment expectantly. XIMENEZ ignores it.]
VOICEOVER: " ... and witches were being tried across Britain."

[Scene: A crowd of peasants around a pond. One throws a shape in, there is a splash and a gasp from the crowd. Camera shows the pond: A pair of pants are floating in the pond.]
CROWD: "Oooh ... I knew it .... they're the Devil's pants ... the water won't have them ... burn them! Burn them!"

[Back to NARRATOR at his desk.]
NAR: "And so to today. But ... what of the future? Where will our pants be tomorrow? Will there be ... "

[Music (Also Sprach Zarathustra) has been building beneath this. It reaches a climax as NARRATOR slowly rises to his feet.]
" ... PANTS ... IN ... SPAAAAAAAACE!?"
[NARRATOR is not wearing pants.]
[Hold shot for a moment.]

[Closing credits start to roll. Behind credits we see a launching pad; a huge billow of flame and smoke rolls across it. Trailing flame from both trouser legs, a pair of pants lifts off and reaches for the horizon.]

[Buster Highmen]

Are those pants or a carefully folded red garbage bag?

I mean really, are we so restricted that we can't find orange jeans?

[snowsprite]

Did you ever have a really good pair of pants? I mean, they fit great and they don't bind at the waist. You actually look forward to wearing them and they look cool too. And then one day just as your happiness is at its pinnacle, they get ruined in the wash. That really sucks.

Sprite

[Zeedashbo]

i'd wear orange pants if i wanted to let all the other hunters know i wasn't a deer.

[Buster Highmen]

[el_jefe]

Brick Tamland: Excuse me, Veronica?
Veronica Corningstone: Yes? What is it, Brick?
BT: I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.
VC: Excuse me?
BT: [struggling] The... party. With the... with the pants. Party with pants?
VC: Brick, are you saying that there's a party in your pants and that I'm invited?
BT: That's it.
VC: Did Brian tell you to say this, Brick?
BT: No! Yes. He did.
VC: Okay. No. I don't want to go to a party in your pants.
BT: Very well. Ian, would you like to go to a party in my pants?
Ian: No, Brick.
BT: All right. Let's go!

[yentna]

One of my favorite pairs of pants are orange. Another is pink cordouroy (sp?). And my old favorite pair was orange, they wore out, I took my sewing machine to them, they wore out again. Anyway, they're out there, you've just gotta be brave!

[wicked_sick]

I have orange pants, and some yellow bellbottom corduroy pants.


I rarely wear either.

[Buster Highmen]

I want orange pants. Where can I get some? Jeans, cargos, it doesn't matter.

[CS]

One of my favorite pairs of pants are orange. Another is pink cordouroy (sp?). And my old favorite pair was orange, they wore out, I took my sewing machine to them, they wore out again. Anyway, they're out there, you've just gotta be brave!

[wicked_sick]

I want orange pants. Where can I get some? Jeans, cargos, it doesn't matter.

gear swap?

what's your size? I could send some to you

[truth]

Insert link to tonghands pant suit saga here.

[Buster Highmen]

I'm a fat assed 34/34.

[yentna]

My current pair is Gap, my old pair Old Navy.

PS Nice pics CS, thanks for the photog-ing.

[Crinkle]

isn't spats our current pants expert?

personally i think they are over-rated

[truth]

I'm a fat assed 34/34.

orange pants

orange coveralls

orange fishermans pants

[fridge]

Don't you hate pants?

[Monique]

Why is it that, when one has taken off one's pants to engage in the kind of naughty behavior known to increase respiration, said heavy breathing is called panting?

[grrrr]

So, I should wear orange pants with my hoody?

[snowsprite]

Why is it that, when one has taken off one's pants to engage in the kind of naughty behavior known to increase respiration, said heavy breathing is called panting?

Yeah Monique! They should call it de-panting!

Sprite

[Oarhead]

So, what about pants? Are they the root of society's ills?

I don't think pants are the root, I would be more likely to lay the blame on the doorstep of SLACKS myself.

Fucking slacks. Always messing with a good thing. Couldn't leave pants alone.