About to turn 50 and am too tired to continue

[Whiteroom_Guardian]

I write in one of these just about everyday. It's a good morning and PM little habit. Gratitude is so fucking huge for me. When I get out of that headspace things can get blue pretty quick. When I'm in it things are generally pretty smooth. It's not the only solution, but boy does it help.

https://www.intelligentchange.com/co...minute-journal

[Buzzworthy]

👀👋🏼

[bennymac]

happy birthday to you Buzz - whenever that milestone might be - glad to see you posting in here

[goldenboy]

About a month ago I was contemplating my life and realized I had neither cured cancer nor created world peace but I have some time on my hands and maybe I should do something for the good of the world. I decided on SAR given my skillset, and my first training is tonight. Not sure what the exact point of this post is other than to say this is a direction I decided to go while contemplating stuff...

[stuckathuntermtn]

About a month ago I was contemplating my life and realized I had neither cured cancer nor created world peace but I have some time on my hands and maybe I should do something for the good of the world. I decided on SAR given my skillset, and my first training is tonight. Not sure what the exact point of this post is other than to say this is a direction I decided to go while contemplating stuff...

Not a bad idea. Depression can creep up when one is idle.

[EWG]

We all still have your back Buzz.

And that is not gonna change.

[adrenalated]

About a month ago I was contemplating my life and realized I had neither cured cancer nor created world peace but I have some time on my hands and maybe I should do something for the good of the world. I decided on SAR given my skillset, and my first training is tonight. Not sure what the exact point of this post is other than to say this is a direction I decided to go while contemplating stuff...

Rock on, GB. I just did the same - two trainings in so far.

[schindlerpiste]

Just saw this. +++++VIBES+++++ sent your way. Lots of good advice. Best that I can do is to tell you to get outside in the mountains. It doesn't have to be skiing or riding. The most important thing is to get outside and breathe in that fresh mountain air. It gives you time to think and heal. There are more than a few people on this board who enjoy your company and like seeing you around. When I first moved out here I was going thru some serious stuff, and I always felt best for those few hours outdoors each day. Listening to The Grateful Dead a lot also helps

[Buzzworthy]

happy birthday to you Buzz - whenever that milestone might be - glad to see you posting in here

Mid July. Thanks man.
Trying to stay busy and not get into my head too much. But wondering about a lot of things, including why things are going haywire. I’m reading your posts, just don’t have a lot to say. There’s always going to be that embarrassment factor and I know it’s dumb but it’s still there. Hopefully time will help.

[Buzzworthy]

I appreciate each and every one of you. The words help make me feel a bit more worthwhile.

[MarsB]

Listening to The Grateful Dead a lot also helps

Always sage advice. I know Buzz abides.

[Meconium]

Buzz, did you go by the handle Board like 25 years ago? Sorry for the drift.

[Buzzworthy]

Buzz, did you go by the handle Board like 25 years ago? Sorry for the drift.

Nope always been buzz.

[TWINS]

Mid July. Thanks man.
Trying to stay busy and not get into my head too much. But wondering about a lot of things, including why things are going haywire. I’m reading your posts, just don’t have a lot to say. There’s always going to be that embarrassment factor and I know it’s dumb but it’s still there. Hopefully time will help.

When I decided to start loving myself again the embarrassment factor disappeared with my addiction issues.
It could be anything that we try to hide from others.
Problem with hiding shit is that we don't fix it.
Human nature is to just ignore it as its painful to fix.
Being open and vulnerable goes a long ways to healing what's bothering you.
Orhers like myself are drawn to that energy and want to help if possible.
Glad you acknowledge that feeling so you can work on opening up.
Dance like nobody is looking at you.
You will be surprised at how many will join you on the dance floor.
Wishing you a peaceful weekend.

[bennymac]

In this meta-analysis exercise was found to be comparable to therapy or medications. Exercise worked even better when it was more intense exercise.

Not posting this directly at Buzz - this is just for anyone wanting to know about what the research tends to show works.

[beaterdit]

Damn Buzz Just saw this and I'm glad you're hangin in there. I think we've only met once but I've certainly appreciated your voice in here over years and I share a lot of your sentiments. I turned 50 a few months ago and really relate to a lot of your feelings. That milestone seemed to amplify them for me too. I'm fucking tired. Many days it seems like the minimum requirements to sustain day to day life are nearly insurmountable and I really don't have it that hard. I don't take the kind of joy in the things I used to (anhedonia, they tell me) for a variety of reasons and it saps my motivation to do them. The body's nowhere near as resilient as it used to be. My back hurts, my knees hurt, I have high cholesterol and and a cardiologist. My attitude at work is terrible and I feel like I can't do it anymore.

I don't know shit but I have some thoughts on this shit that may help in some small way, if only in commiseration. I think no matter how it appears, most of us deal with all this shit to some degree or another. It's easy to lose sight of that in the instagram age. My shit came to a head like eight years ago. Crippling anxiety and depression, and insomnia. Crazy intrusive thoughts and random crying all the time. It does feel embarrassing to bring it all up here, or talk about it at all. Went to therapy and a Psychiatrist, went on all the meds etc. (Including benzos, and man could I get addicted to those, fuck, prolly a close one there). It all got me over the hump. Since then I eventually decided I didn't like the meds and gradually weaned off them one by one. At the time they were like a miracle to keep me in the game though. Still been in therapy of and on. Still have a lot of those feelings but to a lesser extent, mostly. It's helped to know how common these things are and also talking about it with anyone. I don't have a ton a of close friends either, always been kind of a loner. But I do have a few, and that all you need. I've got a Lady who's been though it too and continues to fight with more or less success like me. In my field, my coworkers are pretty open about this stuff so that helps too.

Mostly though, I just keep on keeping on and know that whatever it is at the moment, this too shall pass. I abide. Just like in the movie. Sometimes, sometimes even most times, it's not too fun or pretty but I abide. That doesn't sound awesome but there it is. If you've been in therapy or not you've prolly heard the term "fake it till you make it". It's lame but it works. In faking it, sometimes I'll get surprised and remember just how much I used to love something and maybe still do and how it's always been a reason to keep going and maybe still is. IDK if any of this makes sense but I know it's fucking hard Man, and it doesn't seem to get any easier, but I abide.

Other things I've learned for me:

Alcohol is a literal depressant. I really underestimated the effect it had on my mental health. I ended up with EXTREME moderation and it works for me, like one beer/week. Couldn't tell ya the last time I had more than one in a sitting but total abstinence would prolly be better.

Weed doesn't work for me anymore. At all. I'm prolly a pussy but it spins my head out and amplifies the worries and self doubt. Sativa strains less so than the indica or blends but still.

Bennymac's post above is spot on. Excercise is the best thing ever, always. Preferably outside but I have a bike trainer set up that I can hop on any time. I can bike with bad knees, it's even good for them. The more intense the better but anything is good, whatever you can manage. At our age (haha? uggh) I have to start slow if I've been off it for a bit but if I get on a consistent habit the intensity comes. My fitness went to hell with my mental health and a string of injuries left me broken and afraid. I'm just *starting* to overcome this but it's slow and you can't rush it. Also, I have to accept a new normal for 'gettin after it'. This is ok.

You're a smart guy and prolly know all this but I hope you read it just for commiseration. Also hope it doesn't come off as sanctimonious and douchy. Like I said I don't know shit, including how to communicate effectively, ha. Hit me up if you want to chat. Better yet, if you want to get out, we can rustle up a Bird ticket for ya. I'm a weekday skier till mid April though. Turnin pedals is good too. Hit me up if you're game.

Like I tell myself all the time, Abide, Dude.

Sam

[skiJ]

Damn Buzz Just saw this and I'm glad you're hangin in there. I think we've only met once but I've certainly appreciated your voice in here over years and I share a lot of your sentiments. I turned 50 a few months ago and really relate to a lot of your feelings. That milestone seemed to amplify them for me too. I'm fucking tired. Many days it seems like the minimum requirements to sustain day to day life are nearly insurmountable and I really don't have it that hard. I don't take the kind of joy in the things I used to (anhedonia, they tell me) for a variety of reasons and it saps my motivation to do them. The body's nowhere near as resilient as it used to be. My back hurts, my knees hurt, I have high cholesterol and and a cardiologist. My attitude at work is terrible and I feel like I can't do it anymore.

I don't know shit but I have some thoughts on this shit that may help in some small way, if only in commiseration. I think no matter how it appears, most of us deal with all this shit to some degree or another. It's easy to lose sight of that in the instagram age. My shit came to a head like eight years ago. Crippling anxiety and depression, and insomnia. Crazy intrusive thoughts and random crying all the time. It does feel embarrassing to bring it all up here, or talk about it at all. Went to therapy and a Psychiatrist, went on all the meds etc. (Including benzos, and man could I get addicted to those, fuck, prolly a close one there). It all got me over the hump. Since then I eventually decided I didn't like the meds and gradually weaned off them one by one. At the time they were like a miracle to keep me in the game though. Still been in therapy of and on. Still have a lot of those feelings but to a lesser extent, mostly. It's helped to know how common these things are and also talking about it with anyone. I don't have a ton a of close friends either, always been kind of a loner. But I do have a few, and that all you need. I've got a Lady who's been though it too and continues to fight with more or less success like me. In my field, my coworkers are pretty open about this stuff so that helps too.

Mostly though, I just keep on keeping on and know that whatever it is at the moment, this too shall pass. I abide. Just like in the movie. Sometimes, sometimes even most times, it's not too fun or pretty but I abide. That doesn't sound awesome but there it is. If you've been in therapy or not you've prolly heard the term "fake it till you make it". It's lame but it works. In faking it, sometimes I'll get surprised and remember just how much I used to love something and maybe still do and how it's always been a reason to keep going and maybe still is. IDK if any of this makes sense but I know it's fucking hard Man, and it doesn't seem to get any easier, but I abide.

Other things I've learned for me:

Alcohol is a literal depressant. I really underestimated the effect it had on my mental health. I ended up with EXTREME moderation and it works for me, like one beer/week. Couldn't tell ya the last time I had more than one in a sitting but total abstinence would prolly be better.

Weed doesn't work for me anymore. At all. I'm prolly a pussy but it spins my head out and amplifies the worries and self doubt. Sativa strains less so than the indica or blends but still.

Bennymac's post above is spot on. Excercise is the best thing ever, always. Preferably outside but I have a bike trainer set up that I can hop on any time. I can bike with bad knees, it's even good for them. The more intense the better but anything is good, whatever you can manage. At our age (haha? uggh) I have to start slow if I've been off it for a bit but if I get on a consistent habit the intensity comes. My fitness went to hell with my mental health and a string of injuries left me broken and afraid. I'm just *starting* to overcome this but it's slow and you can't rush it. Also, I have to accept a new normal for 'gettin after it'. This is ok.

You're a smart guy and prolly know all this but I hope you read it just for commiseration. Also hope it doesn't come off as sanctimonious and douchy. Like I said I don't know shit, including how to communicate effectively, ha. Hit me up if you want to chat. Better yet, if you want to get out, we can rustle up a Bird ticket for ya. I'm a weekday skier till mid April though. Turnin pedals is good too. Hit me up if you're game.

Like I tell myself all the time, Abide, Dude.

Sam

not sanctimonious,
not (too) douchy.


I was on skis on Sunday for the first time in seven years without it feeling Bad -

only took two runs, but two was enough.

This is what happens with a degenerative spine, accelerated by traumatic injury
( pro tip << protect you C-spine )


Alan asked,
' How did it feel ? '

tj thought for a moment -

' like an old friend, ' was my reply.


I probably won't ever ski! again the way I did -
But If I can block the Pain ,
There is nothing for me like the feeling on-skis. !

Thank you, Buzz-
This thread is important (!)

I shall go through CO next year, on my way to montana. IF I am still 'ticking' ...
( Thanks! for this, mir- )

skiing. my old friend --

Thank you, magg.s -- skiJ

[Buzzworthy]

Wow Sam. Feels all too familiar reading that. Thanks guys. In my head again tonight. I’m definitely on the avoid things, keep busy train. Working helps. Looking forward to this sunshiny weather coming. Even looking at a midweek Basin pass next year. A 50th bday present to myself. I’m oddly semi ok on a gondola vs a chairlift anymore.
A sunny spring groomer day(s) in the near future would be fun if I decide to pull the trigger.

[Buzzworthy]

And I found out we have an EAP benefit at work today. Now I gotta actually try to calm them.

It’s a lot easier to talk when everyone is asleep.
I hate this shit.

[bennymac]

Not telling you anything you don’t already know - but there’s no commitment with therapy or counseling - if someone tries it and it’s not doing anything for them then they could consider moving on and trying something else.

And unlike say with your dentist or your knee surgeon it is very helpful to feel like your on the same wavelength as your counselor - so sometimes it’s worth trying more than one out if there isn’t a connection with the first one.

Also sunshine and groomers are an effective form of therapy so definitely seek that out if you can!

[Buzzworthy]

Yep, if I don’t jive I’ll try another. It’s free for several visits including telehealth. I’ll do that.
Shit, skiing is expensive. I have JJs. I need groomer skis. I want to ski again I think.

[bennymac]

As a result of reading this thread I’ve ordered a journal for myself. Gonna try this out - see if it helps.

Also gonna add in more short walks outside throughout the day - even if just for 4-5 minutes - maybe reach for the door instead of my phone screen.

Baby steps!

[Buzzworthy]

Well it’s clear I’m not the only one. Hope starting the conversation helps others too.

[Foggy_Goggles]

Well it’s clear I’m not the only one. Hope starting the conversation helps others too.

It does. We all have our challenges. I like to think that life isn't easy for anyone. For many, myself included, the game is me versus my brain. I say that because frequently, what works doesn't need to be explained or pass some test of making sense.

You know all to well what the darkside looks like. So when you get even the smallest sliver of hope, happiness or whatever that feeling of relief, peace and calm feels like to you, take a moment to realize that and soak it in. That may help you get a bit of momentum and start substituting a good though or minute for a bad one.

Anywho, from one imperfect human to another, thanks for checking in and keep fighting the good fight. That goes for the rest of you as well. In this crazy corner of the internet, I've got a lot of respect for all that keep it real.

[Bunion 2020]

Well it’s clear I’m not the only one. Hope starting the conversation helps others too.

It does, it did and no you are not.

Peace of mind is not a cheap commodity. Best wishes and thanks for starting this thread.