About to turn 50 and am too tired to continue

[leroy jenkins]

My child is an adult. I’m no longer needed.
Skiing isn’t fun anymore. Mountain biking isn’t fun anymore. Life hasn’t been fun for a long time. Caring has become difficult. Fuck I don’t even enjoy beer much anymore. I just don’t give a shit anymore and it’s scary.

This is silly. My dad was a huge dick, died a few years ago when I was already an adult for decades, and I still miss the shit out of him. Broke my fucking heart finding his suicide notes to my brother and I while I was cleaning out his house after he died, even though he did not actually die by his own hand, he seemed to have little will to live left and I think might have neglected to seek medical attention towards the end. At the very least he wrote those letters a couple years before. My brother was being a dick trying to pressure and even manipulate me and fuck with me to get me to just throw all my dads stuff out so we could sell his house faster when i found them, and a whole bunch of other shit happened around that time and it was one of the very worse couple months of my life.

My dad had a lot to feel grateful about, and enjoy in life, as I am sure you do. He was old though, 77, but he was a pilot and was still flying just about a week before his death. He lived in a beautiful life, and had people who cared about him, although he didn't feel as close to them as he would have liked, and no longer had the plane that made him the happiest to fly, the plane that was really the love of his life, he still had a less nice plane and could fly and do other things.

I'm sure you have stuff going for you in life, and I'm sure you have people that would prefer you not to die. You have no idea what you mean to people around you. Like I said my dad was a dick, but he also had redeeming qualities. We spent many hours flying planes together, and he was pretty much a perfect father while he was teaching me to fly. He was less good at controlling his emotions at other times, but something about planes made him both feel more need to control and discipline himself, and also, made him happier and more at peace with the world. He had the good fortune and good taste to be able to purchase a two seat Mk IX Supermarine Spitfire back in the eighties, and operated it for over thirty years if I remember correctly. I learned how to fly in it and a piper cub. But then the Spitfire got damaged at an airshow, an on the ground collision with another airplane, and my dad didn't have the money to fix it and had to sell it as a project. This loss, and the loss of his wife to divorce years earlier, really broke his heart. Bla bla bla bla leroys walls of words, but my point is, the loss of that plane broke my heart too. I'll never fly another spitfire. I have like, a half a dozen landings in it that I did 100% myself and there will never be any more. And now, years later, I can finally financially swing getting a pilots license but flying doesn't feel as easy. My stomach is very much unused to several hundred foot changes in elevation in a matter of seconds. It seems more stressful. And my dad will never be there to teach me again. Turns out, not only are the memories of us flying something I cherish, but he was actually better at teaching me to fly than any instructor I've flown with since and created a better atmosphere to learn. I felt safer in his airplane than I ever have in another, because I trusted him as an aircraft owner, and knew and trusted his mechanic.

I could ramble on some more, but the thing is, time feels so cruel doesn't it? Time feels like it takes things from us? You're no longer needed by your kid supposedly, we have things, opportunities, experiences, moments we cherish, and then they're gone. But this can also be such a fixation, the seeing it as in the past, instead of just thinking fuck that happened how cool is that. It wasn't just that my dad was heartbroken by the loss of that plane, but also he just struggled with depression, and as it turns out, its hard to feel like oh whoa is me how hard and cruel is my life when you get to fly a WWII fighter plane, and teach your son to fly it with you as well, but after losing that, he struggled to cope with existence.

I think though, we get wrapped up in our own heads, and can forget what we mean to those around us and what they need us for. I also think, as cheesy as it sounds, the choice to be grateful for what you have and especially, have had and lost can be very powerful. Like, you don't have to stop feeling cynical or depressed or hopeless etc, but just stop and think of something cool from your life and be like fuck yea that shit happened. If you do that, it can really start to rewire your brain, preventing the negative feelings like hopelessness and meaninglessness, and it seems to make the weight of the cruelty of time less heavy, and our perception of time as linear and irreversible as less imprisoning.

Also, maybe old doors that were open have now closed, but there have to be some new doors opening somewhere. Most halfway decent authors don't write anything worth reading till they're at least sort of old and somewhat crusty and bitter. There has to be something left to learn or do or fuck.

[tgapp]

tgapp, I hope we cross paths one day, 'cause this, along with all of your other selfless acts, are something to be admired; drinks on me. Thanks for looking out for one of our own.

thanks but all I'm doing is the same that many of you would do for me

plus buzz has awesome dogs

and a great wife



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[neufox47]

Yo Buzzworthy - We’ve never met but I’ve always appreciated your contributions to this community, it’s better with you than without you. I’m sure this little forum isn’t the only thing that’s better for having you. Hang in there.


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[Supermoon]

Buzz, I feel what you’re going for so deeply. A year ago I was in your place. Lost, depressed, felt like I had nothing to keep me going. I found a therapist I saw regularly and it for sure was the best thing I’ve ever done. It’s not all sunshine and roses, but I have hope again for the future and I know you can too.

It may not feel like much to have a bunch of internet weirdos in your corner but we are here for you.

[Viva]

Love you, Ron. Always here for ya.

[stealurface831]

there are miracles every day, buzz.

[garyfromterrace]

Hey Buzz! Just a northern geezer here to say take it day by day brother. Hey man you got a bunch of internet ski weirdos on your side, not everyone can say that! Celebrate the tiny wins buzz. Thinking of you.

[bad dancer]

You are 5 pages deep of mags and fellow weirdos that are all saying that they care about you. Reach out for help if you can. Take it day by day. I am hoping things get better soon.

[Core Shot]

I get it.
My little black dog has been following me for decades.

Be strong. Steady your hand. Tomorrow is a new day.
Skiing doesn’t thrill like it used to. But it’s still fun.
Live to ride. Ride to live. Godspeed snow slider.

PS. Rode this morning with an old 69 year old friend. Caught a Gondi with frosty with a new knee. Keep sliding. Social skiing ain’t bad.

[Aldo]

Good morning Ron.
We love you.
WE need you, you are us.

[gravitylover]

What are you thinking, your kid doesn't need you anymore? Kids like when their dad is at their wedding. Kids like when Grandpa watches their kid(s). Kids need grandpa to watch their kid(s) so mom and dad can get away for a few hours/days or even just go out to dinner. Kids always need. Always.

You don't even realize how much you want to be there for that but when it happens you'll be glad you're there. Or so they tell me. I'm waiting to find out and so should you.

[sb]

Take moar happy pills asshole.

Sea how being a jerk comes back to haunt you?

[sb]

there are miracles every day, buzz.

FTW

[jerlane]

Good morning, Buzz. I hope you wake up this morning and feel a little better with maybe a little hope. As others have said, the fact that you started this thread is a sign that you want help. Hang in there! I’m just another random mag pulling for you.


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[shera]

I have a grown son and he told me something yesterday that surprised me. We debate pretty regularly and sometimes strongly, but are both confident that the relationship cannot be damaged by it. Anyway, he told me that I'm the only person he can talk straight to, without sugar coating, and that it's important to him to have that freedom.

So I guess my point is that they do still need you, for some reason or other...

[Hood26]

Morning Buzz. Another person here who you are in my thoughts. You matter. The world is better with you in it. Good on you for starting this thread.

[grinch]

Just wishing you well Buzz. I enjoy you in this little corner of the interwebz. I guess im in the habit of reading the Buzz posts
I guess it was at about 50 after family deaths i just took a step back from smoking and drinking. They were just distractions i figure. Unproductive escapes. I didnt want to waste time being in a daze. Good or bad i want to take it all in. Be present, soak it all in and try to make it fun. Im not sure how much time i have left but it seems like its speeding up. Turns out even shit fuck turns on an icy east coast mole hill are a productive escape because im having fun and its still the ultimate in freedom. Hope you can look past the bs and just have find enjoyment in whatever youre doing. I keep reminding my self, one foot in front of the other , go outside and have fun. Don't be too hard on yourself. We all have to make little corrections as we go along

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[Foggy_Goggles]

Nothing but love Buzz!

It seems like empathy may be more helpful than advice. You are not alone. I'll be thinking about you and rootin' for ya the next couple of days. Please don't go dark.

And Tgapp...legend bro. Keep on being you.

[slcdawg]

Hey Buzz, I read your post yesterday and it got to me. I'm rooting for you and hoping you can work your way through this. I had a good friend in college who after a couple of years confided that they lost their sister to suicide in high school. The lifelong impact to my friend and their family was catastrophic. They were broken shells, alcoholics and the most unhappy people I have ever met. Since college I lost a friend to suicide. Their daughter and my daughter were close friends at one time and it really hit hard. Please take care of yourself. While you may not think your kid cares, they do and what you are considering would have a huge impact on them and those that love and care about you.

[Danno]

Yo Buzz, count me as another internet kook that's never met you but thinks this place is better with you than without you. And you do have loved ones that need you. Please keep fighting.

[TBS]

Hey Buzz, it hurts my heart to know you’re in such pain. I’m happy you chose to reach out to the community. It takes courage to admit weakness, especially us guys.

Thirteen years ago this summer I was sitting against a big old fir tree in a beautiful spot overlooking the Columbia Gorge. With a 9mm in my mouth and my thumb squeezing the trigger. I’d been scouting locations to do this for months. Like you describe, life was just too hard to get through and I felt pretty alone.

Still don’t understand what pulled me back from the brink, but I’m glad I did. Thanks to a cool therapist and Ms TBS I reoriented my mindset and changed the scenery. The years since have been the most psychically rewarding of my life.

I can tell you from experience that choosing suicide leaves major lifelong scars among the survivors. My brother ate a gun when he was 26. It killed my mother-slowly-as she tried to drown her grief and guilt in a bottle. I miss him to this day and still beat myself up that I couldn’t change the outcome. RIP Steve.

So kudos for reaching out. You will find lots of people who care deeply about your well-being. Including me, a random asshole you’ve never met. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

Peace

[Meadow Skipper]

Another “never met you/don’t know you” guy here, but I’m pretty much a fan. I want to offer my support for you Buzz, and offer any support that I can to anyone that can help.

[Art Shirk]

Man, this thread. So many stories of people with internal struggles that we would never know when you walk by them on the street or interact on the tubes. It’s a good reminder and a good exercise to recognize the sometimes unspeakable. Peace for everyone on their journeys trying to find contentedness.


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[stalefish3169]

Plus one for another person who barely knows of you, but wants good things for you.

[MontuckyFried]

Hope you're doing better today, Buzz. Wish I was closer to stop by and lend an ear, but at least you got all of us here to do what we can. No judgment from anybody here. All love, no hate. Praying for you, bud.